Chasing Rainbows: True Confession...

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

True Confession...

I have been trying to change the "About Me" section on this blog for the last four days.

Actually, I have been trying to change that section for over a year.

Gavin is dead. There's nothing more permanent than that.

Yet somehow I can't bring myself to make it official on this blog.

So I've been frozen. On my couch - with my computer on my lap - every night. I got as far as changing my photo. But not the words. I'm frozen.

I try. And I type. And I backspace.

I let everything and everyone distract me. I know what every single friend is up to on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I try some more and type less. I dust. (You know it's bad when that happens.)

The truth is I don't want to want to do it. But I want to - and I hate that. Did you get that?

The truth is: grief. It's twisted. And permanent.

One day... I'll make that change. And it will be the right time and the right day and somehow I'll find the right words to make it not so bad.

But right now, if you'll excuse me, I need to organize my closet.

8 comments:

kanitzscheFebruary 25, 2015 at 10:34 PM
Your posts are so honest, so raw.So real. Thank you for your honesty and for just being you.
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Reverand Maggie BrownFebruary 26, 2015 at 12:01 AM
Take all the time you need. Time will heal
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Margie WilsonFebruary 26, 2015 at 1:48 AM
It is a giant leap of faith. We, your readers are all there for you. When the time is ripe you will do it.
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BarbaraFebruary 26, 2015 at 4:24 AM
Kate what a beautiful picture of you! I agree grief is twisted and permanent when you lose a child. You will know when the time is right to make that change. My sons Facebook page is still up. All we can do is take one day, minute, second at a time. Sending you hugs from one grieving mother to another.
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DianeFebruary 26, 2015 at 6:37 AM
If you can't do it, then the time isn't right. You can't force grief to end...like you said, ''it's twisted and permanent ". When the timing IS right...your whole being will know it, but it will still hurt. :-( Sending you warm thoughts and cyberspace hugs. <3
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Tarah ManningFebruary 26, 2015 at 10:41 AM
*hugs* There aren't words, just support.
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UnknownFebruary 26, 2015 at 11:08 AM
You will do it, when it's the right time for you. There are no rules or timespans when it comes to grieving, my dad and my eldest sister died 11 years ago and my mum, older sister and I are still lost, going from a family of 5 to a family of 3 in just 16 weeks....it still feels raw even though it was 11 years ago, and although a lot of people have told us we should all move on, truthfully, and I know how selfish this sounds, but truthfully I'm glad my mum hasn't dated or even looked at another man, as she herself says no one could replace my dad. So even if you never change your about me, that's fine too, you will always be Gavin's mommy, and there will never be another Gavin and that will never change 💖💙xoxo
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UnknownFebruary 27, 2015 at 10:21 AM
Maybe you don't need to change it at all. Maybe it can just be a 2-part About Me:
Part 1 - "Who I was when I started this blog" and Part 2 - "Who I am now". <3
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Gavin's Playground Project

Gavin's Playground Project was born from my desire to see an "All Abilities" playground built at Nemours/A.I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware. This is the hospital where Gavin spent a lot of time during his life... and where he ultimately died, surrounded by friendly and familiar faces. To mark the one year anniversary of his death, I held a fundraiser on April 5, 2014. You can read all about it in THIS post.

We raised a LOT of money, but not enough for a playground! If you would like to contribute to help make this playground a reality - so no kids will ever have to sit on the sidelines watching their peers play - you can contribute directly to the hospital through the Chasing Rainbows fundraising page HERE. Your donation will go directly to the hospital for the playground and is tax deductible. You can also create your own fundraising team page and start collecting donations in honor of anyone you want!! There is also a mailing address on their page if you prefer to mail a check. Designate your contribution in memory of Gavin Leong - or write in that this is for the playground so your dollars will go to the right place. Thank you for your support of Gavin's Playground Project!

Gavin's Trust Project

I created "Gavin's Trust Project" to help support Gavin's friends who receive services from the Chester County Intermediate Unit in Pennsylvania. I wanted to continue to try to "make the impossible... possible" for kids like Gavin, knowing well how hard it can be to get much needed "special needs" items. It makes me happy to know that even after his death, Gavin continues to help others. Click HERE to learn more about the Trust Project! All of your donations, big and small, will be added to Gavin's Trust Project to help therapists and teachers get what they need for children in this program. You can write a check made out to CCIU and mail it to: Chester County Intermediate Unit, c/o Deb Hiller, 455 Boot Rd., Downingtown, PA 19335. Please be sure to add "Gavin's Trust Project" in the memo. Thank you on behalf of me and my little superhero!