Chasing Rainbows: Mourning What I Wish I Knew...

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Mourning What I Wish I Knew...

He's just the best brother. He knows her favorite things. He predicts her every move. He can find her tickle spots. He brings out the best laughs. He is tender and protective and so, so in love with her.

Every time I catch him doing something sweet for his little sister...helping her or playing with her or making her smile...

...I remind him,

"Brian, you know the way you're treating Hope right now? That reminds me of how Gavin used to treat you."

He loves to hear this. Every single time. He loves to be compared to Gavin - to think that he's living up to the high standards that Gavin set as his big brother.

I'm so grateful to see Brian and Hope's relationship grow and deepen.

They chase each other around the house - he plays "peek a boo" with her until she collapses in a fit of giggles - they sit in the tee pee together and play pretend games - and he loves to hug and kiss her before bedtime. Now that he's home for the summer, he likes to come in to her room when I'm nursing her before her nap. Each morning he'll make up a new lullaby to sing to her. Take a listen to this morning's song...

But there are days when I watch them together and my heart hurts. I can't help but wonder what Gavin and Brian's relationship would be like now.

I would love to see them chasing each other around the house or playing in the yard. I long to see Gavin's face light up, as it always did, the second Brian would walk into the room. I wish I knew what I should be mourning, exactly.

I suppose that's it.

I'm mourning what I wish I knew.

Oh, how I wish I knew...

3 comments:

UnknownJune 15, 2015 at 7:47 AM
Brian is just so adorable, just like Gavin. Mourning and grief are hard, there's no manual or instructions, I wish so much that there were. I wish there were some magical words to heal your hearts, but there aren't. All I can, all any of us can, do it to be here for you and honour Gavin as much as we can xo
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LynnJune 15, 2015 at 5:44 PM
Every time I see one of your posts, I pray for God to comfort your hurting heart. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy.
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Carmen MooreJune 17, 2015 at 8:38 PM
Praying for you always, dear Kate! You are a remarkable woman. By the way, this blog somehow has me living in Anchorage, Alaska. Actually I live about 400 miles north of Anchorage in North Pole, Alaska (near Fairbanks). Hugs to you and yours!!
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Gavin's Playground Project

Gavin's Playground Project was born from my desire to see an "All Abilities" playground built at Nemours/A.I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware. This is the hospital where Gavin spent a lot of time during his life... and where he ultimately died, surrounded by friendly and familiar faces. To mark the one year anniversary of his death, I held a fundraiser on April 5, 2014. You can read all about it in THIS post.

We raised a LOT of money, but not enough for a playground! If you would like to contribute to help make this playground a reality - so no kids will ever have to sit on the sidelines watching their peers play - you can contribute directly to the hospital through the Chasing Rainbows fundraising page HERE. Your donation will go directly to the hospital for the playground and is tax deductible. You can also create your own fundraising team page and start collecting donations in honor of anyone you want!! There is also a mailing address on their page if you prefer to mail a check. Designate your contribution in memory of Gavin Leong - or write in that this is for the playground so your dollars will go to the right place. Thank you for your support of Gavin's Playground Project!

Gavin's Trust Project

I created "Gavin's Trust Project" to help support Gavin's friends who receive services from the Chester County Intermediate Unit in Pennsylvania. I wanted to continue to try to "make the impossible... possible" for kids like Gavin, knowing well how hard it can be to get much needed "special needs" items. It makes me happy to know that even after his death, Gavin continues to help others. Click HERE to learn more about the Trust Project! All of your donations, big and small, will be added to Gavin's Trust Project to help therapists and teachers get what they need for children in this program. You can write a check made out to CCIU and mail it to: Chester County Intermediate Unit, c/o Deb Hiller, 455 Boot Rd., Downingtown, PA 19335. Please be sure to add "Gavin's Trust Project" in the memo. Thank you on behalf of me and my little superhero!