It's the night before Gavin's birthday. Tomorrow we will celebrate the day he would have turned eight. The truth is... we're not doing so well. Any of us.
It has been two years and five months since he left us so suddenly. Generally, as you know, I am positive. I can put a positive spin on most anything. But not lately.
Brian is especially struggling which I think has put us in a tailspin. There are just some hurts that can't be fixed.
There is not a lot worse in this world than losing a child... or watching a child suffer. I am currently experiencing both.
It has been two years and five months since our beautiful son died. And suddenly it feels like a dream. Did this really happen to us? Did I really watch Gavin die right in front of my eyes? Did I really speak at his funeral? How did we get here? And why... why... why.
The truth is, I will never get an answer to why. At least not while I'm alive.
Tomorrow we will celebrate the day my life as a Mother truly began. We will celebrate the boy who changed my life in every way. Five and a half years later my world would come crashing down when he was ripped away from us. Tomorrow I will try to remember his life - and not dwell on his death.
The truth is, right now, that is hard. For all of us.
And that is how I'm feeling on the night before my eighth year as Gavin's Mommy.
This is the hardest thing anyone has to face and it is so unfair. And it is hard for a child as sweet as Brian to deal with this loss. But you are a strong woman and you have a strong husband. Keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteWow, Kate, your writing is fantastic, and SO honest. The rainbows will be back, you just have to enjoy the rain while it is happening. Take the time to do what you have to do. I'm absolutely thrilled that you are still blogging, and sharing with all of us.
ReplyDeleteGavin has the most infectious smile. What a beautiful little boy, inside and out. I am sure that you know there is a sisterhood of sorts that you belong to and we will all be thinking of you and your family tomorrow. Birthdays are hard and this just sucks. Sending hugs from Georgia.
ReplyDeleteWe, your readers, feel your pain and are here to support and offer you strength from afar. You are strong, you have proved it. We carry you all in our hearts and minds and prayers.
ReplyDeleteDear Kate, You are an amazingly inspirational woman but even the strongest and most beautiful have their low moments. I am thinking of you and your gorgeous family and how much joy you continue to bring into this world. All the best, Gen
ReplyDeleteYou, Ed, Brian and Hope are all in my thoughts and prayers today. Happy Birthday sweet angel, the world is a better place because you were a part of it. <3
ReplyDeleteKate,
ReplyDeleteHappy 8th birthday, Gavin!!
I found your story about 6 months ago, and I went back and read the entire story from the beginning (on CaringBridge). I fell in love with you, Gavin, Darcy, your entire family. I've never commented before, but I have thought about it many times.
My prayers are with you on this special day. I hope little rays of grace shine on you throughout the day.
Christen M (sorry I don't know how not to be anonymous)
Holding space for you today.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry. Gavin really was a super Gavin and his last gift to you all was Hope, but none of that negates the grief. It's been 12 years since we lost half of our family and we are still on step one. Gavin you were and still are my hero, have a happy 8th birthday, with Darcy and 3 of your grandparents. Always in our hearts and never forgotten Super Gavin. As your mum so rightly says a little boy who changed the world without saying a word xo
ReplyDelete*hugs* I can only imagine the pain your family feels on a daily basis, my heart hurts for all of you. I hope you find a reason to smile today as you celebrate his extraordinary life and the memories he will always live in.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Kate. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. Remember that Gavin and Darcy and your dad are always with you and watching over you. They will always live in memory. I hope you find someway to be happy and smile as you remember your superhero, because that's exactly what Gavin was. A superhero. Your writing and the way you honor their memories everyday is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteOh Kate, you have lots of love from all around the world!! Anniversary days are tough ... actually every day is tough. Losing a child is nothing any parent wants to experience. I am sorry you had to go through this. Lots of love and prayers your way!!
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