She never said no when I wanted her to play barbies or house or read to me or play a game.
She rubbed my back almost every night.
She was always so nice to me.
She made the best lunches.
I just always loved being around her.
She is my Mom.
Here is what she says...
"I'm not sure that's really how it went."
And then she'll dispute things that I recall.
Who's right...and who's wrong?
Here's what I think. I think, as Mothers, we may often agonize that we're doing a "good enough" job. Or, we feel guilty for choices that we might deem selfish if they take any time away from the kids. Some of us may go overboard with elaborate parties and gifts for our kids and think that is the best way to show our love. Some of us might only be able to do small things and worry that it's not enough. But here's the big secret I've learned. The best gift you can give your children is your time.
So who's right? I think we both are. My memory is my reality. I remember those special moments we shared and they are burned in my brain above any other memories. And my Mom is just like every other Mom - including me - who remembers the times that she DID say no to playing barbies... or no to one more book... or gave me a lunch I hated and then probably heard about it when I came home from school. For some reason, those times get burned in our brain - sometimes above other memories.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
My wish today is that every Mother, young or old, will let themselves off the hook. It is impossible to be a perfect Mother. It is impossible to say yes to everything. It is impossible to remain physically and emotionally healthy if you sacrifice your needs 100% of the time.
This Mother's Day, allow yourself to see why you are a great Mother. We really can't do it ALL - but that's okay. I think the only person that expects us to be able to do it ALL... is us. Our children may forget their elaborate ninth birthday party - or that you said no to an extra dessert or that new video game when they were fifteen. But they will remember how they felt when they were around you... how you looked when you opened your arms to hug them... how your eyes lit up when you saw them. Basically, what I'm trying to say is this:
Our children will remember the important things.
This Mother's Day, I remember love. And many, many years from now - I hope my children... and ALL of our children... can say the same.
Lately I have been making the big commitment - that is, hanging things on the walls of our new home. I'm taking it slow - making sure I don't hang things "just to hang things," but giving thought to what should go where.
Some of those things are photos. I created a wall that has profile photos of all three children with current photos beneath that I will change as I get new ones. Except for one...
I love this little arrangement, I do. But each time I turn the corner it is a tough reminder that there is one picture that will never change. Gavin's last school photo.
Brian will grow and Hope will grow and we will get older... but in our hearts and minds, Gavin is frozen as a 5 1/2 year old boy. It stings. Every single time, it stings.
I created another wall. I wanted to hang a family photo and individuals of the kids - but I hate the feeling that I'm leaving Gavin out. Usually I try to represent him in some little way - even if no one can notice. But in this family photo, I hadn't done that. So I decided to hang one of my favorite family photos with Gavin in it and make it an all-canvas wall. Once again, the photos will change... but the portrait with Gavin won't.
(As it turns out, it's not easy to take pictures of pictures!)
This past weekend we hosted my family for our annual Christmas party. My sister, Meg, from New Hampshire stayed at the house most of the weekend. My brother, Mike, came up from Virginia. And Tom and Bean came with their families and Granny. There were 29 of us. Unfortunately, two of my nieces and my nephew and his wife couldn't make it. And, of course, Gavin wasn't there. But boy - 29 of my 34 favorite people were there and our home was filled with love and laughter and playing and great food.
I'm grateful that we have so much space in our new home and I was able to create my "dream table." One long table that included everybody. There was no kid's table here - all of us were one unit and all the ages were all mixed up. Uncle Mike chatted with Brian and Isabella. Granny was surrounded by her adoring teenage nephews. Ed was across from his nieces. I grabbed my nieces "selfie stick" - got a quick lesson - and then promptly put my brother, Mike, in charge!
We were able to celebrate my great nephew's first birthday after dinner in a sweet way. William, the son of my oldest niece, Emily and her husband, Josh, just turned one! We all sang Happy Birthday and Brian accompanied us on his guitar with his cousin, Isabella, by his side. Those two were inseparable all day!
Before dinner, we all opened gifts from Granny (she loves to spoil all of us) and the kids opened pollyanna gifts from each other.
And the kids all gathered around when we gave Granny a photo calendar with all of her children, grandchildren, great grandchild...and another great on the way! We gave her other things, but this calendar was a big hit. She can look at all the people who love her every single day!
They all posed with her and I found it so hard to believe the beautiful little girl I carried around at my high school graduation is now a married mother... the babies I once held are now men... my nieces all stunning young women. I can't imagine how my Mom feels as she looks at each one of us!
But it was the huge group picture that I organized that still puts a lump in my throat. I set up my tripod and snapped a photo of all 29 of us. Later when I looked at it, I had to hold back my tears. Not for the missing nieces and nephew - because I know they'll make the next one. I choked back my emotion for the little frozen boy who will never again be part of pollyanna... and playing with his cousins. I'll never see him excited around all the chaos and fun... or break into a grin at the sight of his Granny. And he'll never again smile for a family photo.
But then I looked up. At the top of our tree, above all of his Aunts and Uncles and cousins and family sits the custom made angel that I had made after his death. It holds so much symbolism - the green and blue swirling together like the ocean he so loved... the starfish in her hair... the shells on her skirt. It's not the same, obviously. But it reminded me that he was there that day. I just forgot in my busyness to stop and see. But he was as there as Brian's giggles. He was there as baby William's determined crawling. He was there in our singing. He was there in our love.
It's impossible sometimes to navigate life after losing a child. It's the worst possible thing that can happen to someone, really. But somehow the great big love that we shared with him helps to melt our frozen, broken hearts.
I can still see all of us together in my mind - the love, palpable. And that picture will never change.
Lately - as I'm sure you've noticed - my posts have long gaps between them. I have a recipe for my world class excuse that I'm happy to share with you.
One part laziness.
Two parts busy children who run me straight to bed early each night.
One healthy dose of grief which, to be honest, has a strong connection to my writing.
Mix that together - add some "writing would make me miss Dancing with the Stars" or insert any mind numbing TV show in its place - and you have my decadent excuse.
I was talking to my Aunt today about my blog and explaining to her this very struggle. When I started writing, I never expected it would turn into THIS. I also never expected that Gavin would die, but that's a whole other blog post. Throughout his life, every day was filled with a new milestone or therapy or fun adventures or scary medical issues or alternative treatments... I could go on and on and on. But that's the point. I would sit down at the end of the day and know exactly what I was writing about! Now our lives are... I guess there's no other word for it than "typical." Brian's in school all day and Hope is a toddler and when I sit down at the end of the day I think, "Does anyone really want to hear that Hope has a new cup or that Brian and I did an art project after school or we made brownies and fancied them up with a bag of chocolate chips which was a big mistake?" I typically answer that with, "Wait... where's the remote?"
But then... there's the guilt. I don't want Hope to grow up and see the huge gaps in HER little life when I have Gavin and Brian's life together chronicled, in detail, for years. But on the other hand... how grateful I am that I have Gavin and Brian's life together chronicled, in detail, for years. Brian and Hope will absolutely be able to read all about Gavin and understand his story when they're older.
Anywhoo..... that's what's on my mind.
So, since I haven't written in a bit, I have a "dump" of information to catch up on. Here we go... try to keep up!! Ha!
Brian had his final soccer game and said goodbye to his coaches, Joe and Kevin.
I had to talk him into soccer - he really wasn't interested. I finally convinced him when I listed his friends that had signed up. In hindsight, I should have just led with that information - it was an instant yes when he heard who would be there!
He started off the season knowing very little about the game - and he ended up being really good! I mean, there were a few times that he forgot which goal was their team's - but that's just a small technicality.
The coaches were positive and encouraging and really came down to the kids levels. Coach Kevin would give personal pep talks to the kids and sneak a teaching moment in at the same time, which Brian responded well to.
Our little guy is on the shy side so I was always shocked to see him out on the field going after the ball. He really got in there and gave it his all!! And once we started using the inhaler for his "Exercise Induced Asthma," he was much more comfortable running up and down the field during the game.
We missed picture day (so bummed to miss those adorable little trading cards!) so I took my own picture after the final game. Brian was excited that they used HIS ball for the last game!
After the game, the whole team went to a restaurant for pizza, cupcakes and an award ceremony. The coach gave a personal speech to each child before giving them their trophy. Brian got the award for being the "best listener" on the team - because he took feedback well and improved a lot from the beginning to the end of the season. Brian, with cupcake icing all over his mouth, was grinning from ear to ear.
I don't quite understand the controversy about trophies at this age. Brian and his friends are ALL about the trophies - and it was something he was really looking forward to. I see it as a visual reminder on the shelf in his room about the time he resisted trying something new - tried it anyway - ended up having a lot of fun - learned that he was actually really good - and found a sport that he really loves! I don't see anything wrong with that. I hope when he looks at his trophy he remembers all of that - and feels pride.
I was especially proud of Brian at his final game because he was up super late the night before! He had his first Cub Scout camping trip!!
He and Ed joined Brian's pack on a "Night at the Museum" overnight. They had educational activities, toured the museum and watched "The Lorax" before setting up their air mattresses among the animals and dinosaur eggs. They had such a great time! We are really enjoying the Cub Scout experience so far.
While Ed and Brian were away, Hope and I had a little "girl's night!" The first thing she did was steal her brother's cup which is her goal every single day. This time (don't tell Brian) I didn't take it away.
She walked around like such a big shot all night!
I love spending time with this happy little girl. It's pretty rare that she's a grump!
After breaking her arm a couple weeks ago (dancing!), my Mom is doing GREAT. She'll be getting a hard cast very soon and, if all goes well, she should be cast free before Christmas! She has had such a great attitude about this temporary setback. She's a warrior!
Our new home has no shortage of beautiful, huge, old trees. Coincidentally, our yard is now filled with beautiful, huge leaves. A LOT of leaves. Want an idea of how MANY leaves? Our first time bagging mulched leaves from JUST the front yard filled 32 large trash bags. But the good news?
EPIC LEAF PILES!!
You can even SWIM through them!
We love how they look - and watching them fall like soft snow in our peaceful yard is one of my favorite things to do.
I spend my days at home with Hope and we are never bored! She loves to walk around carrying a "purse" and filling it with toys, books and her snacks - after she dumps them out of her snack cup.
We spend time outside on the driveway where she loves to push her stroller, get dirty, play with chalk and bubbles and play on the playground.
We play in her miniature playroom in the basement reading books and cooking in the "kitchen" and doing puzzles.
We lay around and practice "mothering" her dolls, practicing animal sounds and watching her recent favorite DVDs that were also Gavin's favorites - "Baby Signing Time."
Hope follows me happily everywhere I go in the house... and easily finds something to do or get into. When she is doing something that she probably thinks is naughty, you'll hear her saying "HOPE! No, No! HOPE! No, No!" That's usually my cue that I should peek around the corner to catch her emptying out a drawer, creating a tissue box explosion or dumping her snack cup. But be warned - if you hear her say "Uh oh" - it's likely too late. The damage is done so you should approach with caution... and a vacuum. She is the funniest little girl - we laugh a lot during the day!
While we're busying playing all day, Brian is having fun at school! Every day he comes home with a big smile and tells me something he learned, what he played at recess and with whom, what he did that was nice, etc. We are so happy with our choice of school for Brian. And we are even MORE excited that they just received the Blue Ribbon of Excellence Award! The Principal of Saint Norbert School, Mrs. Hennessy, and some of the teachers - including Brian's, Mrs. Korom - travelled to Washington, DC to be honored by the Department of Education. Schools that are chosen for the Blue Ribbon are those that perform at high academic levels.
That Friday, they had a day filled with celebrations. Each child brought in two boxes of cereal - one was put aside to donate to a local food pantry and the other was put on a "breakfast bar of champions" for all the kids to share as a snack!
The kids could skip their uniforms and dress down - and they were all given matching "Blue Ribbon" tee shirts! This is the entire school...
And they ended the day with a performance by a local circus act called "The Give and Take Jugglers." The parents and siblings were invited, too! It was such a cute performance - completely tailored to the children and very interactive!
They even had an aerial artist who performed on a rope and silks. This was all in the school gym!
We're grateful to be sending Brian (and one day, Hope) to a school that knows how to work hard... and play hard. And the gift they have is that the two are often combined and the kids don't even realize it! That, to me, is the sign of an excellent school.
Finally, I had a rare day out this past weekend! My friend, Claire, and I went to see author and blogger Glennon Melton from Momastery talk! She had a speaking engagement at a nearby church. It was Claire's first time hearing Glennon and she really enjoyed it. If you've never seen her, definitely watch her website for dates in your area - you won't regret it.
She's hilarious -
and real -
and touching -
and kind.
Her words are changing people. And her people are changing the world.
I'm honored to count her as a friend.
Thank you, as always, for caring about our little family.
