Brag Fest...

Yesterday's one year anniversary of my father's passing was a little harder than I thought it would be.... and a little easier than I thought it would be.  Like most things with me, that doesn't make sense to anyone but me.  But that's how it was - one minute okay, the next minute not.  Thank you for the kind comments on FB and personal notes.  It meant so much to be remembered - and to know that my Dad had an impact on some of you.  Even those that never met him!!

I'm really grateful to Ed.  He lost his parents young, so he's had a jump on this "losing a parent" thing.  He went out of his way to show me comfort and compassion and for the last several days has been such a great friend to me.  Thanks, Ed.

Gavin is doing so well in school - and today was no exception!  

Thursdays are a busy day for him as every therapist crams in their sessions on that day for some reason.  He sees his physical therapist, his speech therapist and his occupational therapist... in addition to his school activities!  He came home exhausted today and even took a short nap.  Sara told me that the principal was in for a visit the other day.  Gavin was all smiles during her visit and she even sang and played "Itsy Bitsy Spider" with him - totally winning him over!  When they told her that Gavin was doing a "Marathon" in Physical Therapy and showed her the awesome chart that Sara made to keep track of his progress - she came up with a plan.  She told them to let her know when Gavin is doing his final lap in his 5K... and she'll have the whole school come out and line the hallways to cheer for him.  Typing that makes me cry.  Can you just picture that long hallway FILLED with the entire school of Kindergarteners and teachers?  I will definitely be there on that day - with my camera.  And I may not even try to hide it.  What a moment that will be.

Brian is also doing really well.

His speech is improving every day. Miss Maggie, his speech therapist, has been writing to me that he's been helping and encouraging other kids during therapy!  What a switch from last year.  I've been very proud of his behavior overall at home, too.  Sure, we hear whining every now and then - and the occasional "Gavin is touching my toy/head/chair/foot/whatever" - but it's not anything I'm worried about.  He is such a loving child.  At bedtime he's been saying things like, "Mommy, you're my best friend."  Or, "I love you and Daddy and Gavin and Granny and Pop in Heaven and Sara and my teachers and my friends."  Or, "I had so much fun today. Thank you Mama." This kid is a total ego boost.

Tomorrow is Gavin's day for a LOVE BOMB!  In the morning we have our joint Dr. Trish appointment - and after that, we're going to spend the day together!  I only have three things planned so far - rides at Arnold's Family Fun Center... lunch... and picking up a castle/climber/slide that I purchased for his classroom.  Gavin is VERY easy to entertain - which puts a lot of pressure on me.  I could easily take him to the grocery store and he'd have a ball, but that doesn't seem "good enough" for a Love Bomb day.  We'll just have to play it by ear.  We'll be together - just the two of us - and that's all that matters.

This post was a total brag fest.  I can't help it.  Can you blame me?  I love being a Mom.  I really, really do.

Letters...

One year ago - on this day - my Dad passed away.  It was, without a doubt, a day that buckled the collective knees of those who knew him.  And it crushed those of us who loved him deeply.  This past year has taught me a lot about death - about life - about gratitude - about faith.

I realized this year that the bond that I had with my Dad while he was physically here has really not changed.  I still talk to him every day.  I still ask him for guidance.  I still brag about him just as he bragged about me.  My Dad was a wonderful listener.  I could go to him about anything - and I often did.  If I joked that now he is an even better listener - that I could go on and on and on - that would be terribly inappropriate, wouldn't it.  Too soon?  Well, he did have a great sense of humor.  I think he'd approve.

I know for sure that he is around us.  His spirit has been in my home, in my car, in Gavin and Brian's rooms and in their playroom.  He would never leave any of us behind.  His presence is so comforting to me and each and every little "sign" that I see (even if it's just me projecting my hopes and wishes onto what I think is a "sign") make me feel so close to him.

My Dad and I share a love of writing.  I have mentioned before that I have a stack of letters from him that I've saved over the years.  I decided to share some of these personal notes today.  I'm so grateful that he showed me he loved me in this way.  Thinking of him sitting down and taking the time to write these for me - it's unbelievable.  He always made me feel so special.  And having his handwriting forever is something I will treasure.  I always loved his handwriting.

This first letter was delivered to me at my 8th grade retreat in 1984.  It would be just a few months before I graduated and would head off to high school.

(Clicking the picture will make it bigger so you can read it!)

When I graduated high school, I started college immediately that summer.  It was a hot, hot summer and I was very homesick.  One of my Dad's many letters arrived before I did - it was waiting for me in my brand new mailbox.  And they continued to arrive.  This was one little piece of home that I'm particularly fond of...

This one he wrote to me after I was offered a flight attendant position with USAir!  He and my mom ended up traveling the world on my benefits... and I landed a husband!!

My Dad often ended his letters, his conversations and his phone calls with "Keep the Faith."  I want him to know that I have.  Many times I have to "fake it until I make it" - and that's okay.  But because of his example of positive thinking, persistence and faith - I have been able to keep my head above water and overcome a lot of adversity.  

A year goes by quickly.  So does a lifetime.  Treasure every moment with the ones you love.  And remember that making time for someone - to talk, to listen, to compose a note - could be the very best legacy you can leave behind.

I love you, Dad.

  

When Cash Just Doesn't Cut It...

This morning we woke up in a home.

This morning we woke up in a home that was warm.

This morning we woke up in a home that was warm that had running water to bathe.

This morning we woke up in a home that was warm that had running water to bathe and food to eat.

This morning we woke up in a home that was warm that had running water to bathe and food to eat and coats and hats to put on to brave the frigid temperatures.

This morning...we were grateful.

Since "Hurricane Sandy," I have felt helpless.  I gave money to the Red Cross - twice - something that is so easy to do.  But I wanted to do more.  Sometimes, cash doesn't feel like enough.  And when you see people on the news that are begging for diapers or blankets or clean socks - it feels like they can't wait for your cash to arrive to an organization who then has to put things together in what I'm sure is a system that they have, blah blah blah.... but that doesn't help when people need things, like, yesterday.

Last year, after my Dad passed away, I decided that one way I would honor him is to serve others.  My Dad was extremely generous with people - with his time, his money, his things, his advice, his creativity, I could go on and on.  He instilled in me a love of volunteering and giving back and we would often volunteer for special projects together.  I cherished those times with him - and will always cherish those memories.  You don't have to have a lot of money - or any - to help others.  You can donate your time. You can help your church pack or organize donated items.  You can even start a collection in your own neighborhood.  This year - the Hurricane gave me the perfect project.  I wish, obviously, it had never happened - but I'm so happy that I can do some things to help, however small they may be.

Last night, before I arrived home from New Hampshire, I stopped at the store.  I bought toilet paper, paper towels, maxi pads, mens socks, kids socks, toothbrushes for adults and children, mouthwash, plastic cups, styrofoam cups, soap, shampoo, batteries and jumbo boxes of diapers.  Later that evening, I collected from my home five wool winter coats from our cedar closet.  All of them were mine.  Why do I have five winter coats??  I also had fleece footy pajamas for kids, sneakers, books, puzzles and new games.

My neighbor, Erin, was collecting the items for a friend of hers from New York.  They had intended to fit as much as they could in their SUV - but it soon turned into a huge truck that had been donated to drive to a church in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.  I feel so grateful knowing that the items I am donating are going somewhere where they are badly needed, like, yesterday.  Not tomorrow.  The need for things - especially coats and hats and blankets before the impending storm - is urgent.

If you, like me, feel that cash just doesn't cut it and want to do more - just be smart about it.  Ask your local Red Cross or your local church if they know of a collection site for donated items.  I have collected several different places and people and shelters and ways that you can help from friends who have been sharing this information with me.  I'm happy to share it all with you here.  If the thought of purchasing items seems overwhelming to you, I have a thought.  If you have twenty bucks to spare - and know of a church near you that is collecting - head to the dollar store!  You can buy twenty things! It will make you feel like a million bucks - I promise.

Here are some ways to help New York and New Jersey that I know of.  My sister's niece, Kirsten, lives in New York and has personally verified all of those.

Councilman James Sanders of Queens has provided an address for people who'd like to purchase anything on Amazon or Drugstore.com (or anywhere, quite frankly!).  His office was demolished so he is operating out of the "Rockaway Revival Center" in New York.

Send to: Councilman James Sanders, Jr., c/o Rockaway Revival Center, 1526 Central Avenue, Far Rockaway NY 11691,

718 471 7014

There was also an Amazon "wish list" set up to go to a church in Brooklyn that has desperate and immediate needs.  You can find that wish list here.

The "Family to Family" initiative matches you up with a family in need.  They create a list of their greatest needs - and you do what you can to check things off for them.

The "Community Food Bank of New Jersey" is looking for donations of food, diapers, time and more. If you are local, you can bring donated items to their location or you can ship items to the address listed on the site.

If you know of other organizations that need help in New York or New Jersey - please share them in the comments here on the blog.  As you know, we are especially attached to our beloved Jersey Shore.  I grew up vacationing in Ocean City, New Jersey and it's Gavin's favorite place to be.  We are expecting, if you can believe this, a Nor'Easter this week.  Mother Nature's way of adding insult to injury.  Imagine if your home was washed away and you have nothing.  Then imagine if you have children with you and they are cold.  Put yourself in their shoes (if they even have shoes!) and it will put things into perspective.  People need help now.

Kirsten volunteered in a shelter just this past week and wrote a brilliant post on FaceBook about her experience.  She gives a lot of great tips and brings up things that you wouldn't necessarily think of.  I'm sharing it with all of you with her permission...

***

Still processing yesterday. The Rockaways look like New Orleans after Katrina. The neighborhood we were in is still waiting for help from the Red Cross, and things are getting pretty desperate. There's looting after dark. Our makeshift distribution center was staffed by people from the neighborhood - they had nothing but were handing out donations to other people all day. New Yorkers are so generous that we almost had too many donations (you should have seen the stack of diapers). I am humbled and inspired.

If you're planning to volunteer or donate, I have some thoughts, based on my experience yesterday and in NOLA. Just one girl's opinion, take with grain of salt, etc etc.

- If you're dropping donations off at a distribution center, show up earlier in the day rather than after 4pm when volunteers are trying to wind things down. We had to turn people with donations away as the day got late because we needed to close up before dark.

- As far as I know, every distribution center is asking people not to donate any more clothes. I saw this yesterday - WAY too many clothes. Donate something else (like blankets and pillows).

- I learned a lot about what people actually need yesterday. Top items that we never had enough of: batteries, flashlights, feminine products, toothpaste, toothbrushes, deodorant, paper towels, toilet paper, bleach. A lot of this is disposable - people will constantly be needing replenishment. In terms of food, only stuff that can be eaten without cooking - i.e. not cans of soup, pasta, dried beans. Think more like crackers, tuna, granola. Also, I sniggered when I saw that someone donated almond milk. But people were actually asking for it b/c it's not perishable and their kids wanted milk, so I learned something. ALSO - sugar-free stuff that's appropriate for diabetics (label the box as specifically for diabetics, though, to help volunteers). Use your head - don't donate things that people can't use if they have no power (like dryer sheets - saw this yesterday) or stuff YOU wouldn't want (like weird JetBlue meals).

- If you're volunteering, try to sign up for something or go to a site that is specifically asking for volunteers rather than just showing up. You'll be the most helpful if you have a defined job - and too many volunteers can be more difficult to manage than too few volunteers. The disaster situation is always changing, so sites that needed help yesterday might not today - check before you go.

- People will still need help a month from now, so don't forget about them! However, their needs will change (for example, soup will be great once the power's back on), so do some research about the best ways to help.

- Adding one more slightly delicate thing: People who have lived through a disaster aren't necessarily going to greet you with smiles and thank-yous when you go to volunteer. They're struggling to cope with an enormous amount of need/emotion/exhaustion. Stay flexible and don't have expectations about how people "should" act.

***

On a completely different note, I have something special to share.  Something that was hard for me to do - and, at the same time, very easy.  I have a lovely woman named Cindy that cleans our house and spares my arthritic body from the torture.  A few months ago, she told me she was pregnant!  I loaded up her car with gear and toys and neutral clothes and more.  This weekend she texted me an ultrasound photo and announced that she was carrying a little girl.  I knew what I wanted to do.  When she arrived today, I presented her with Darcy Claire's bedding set.  I had been holding onto that all this time.  It was something I wasn't sure I wanted to part with.  But I did it.  And I know it was not only appreciated...

 

...but it will be used with such love for her daughter - her first child.

I feel you with me this week, Dad.  I love you so much.

This Time Last Year...

Today is my Mother's 75th birthday.  I was happy to be up in New Hampshire to be with my Mom and my sisters so we could celebrate two happy occasions - my Mom's special day and a bridal shower for my nephew's fianceé.  It was great for us to be together and stay busy...

...because we all remembered that on this day last year, we experienced a devastating blow as a family. At two in the morning, my father suffered a massive stroke while sleeping in bed with my Mom.  Although he didn't technically pass away until three days later, we all know he left us that night.  He never regained consciousness.

I like to believe that my Dad orchestrated his passing.  I think his soul immediately left his body.  I believe he wrapped his arms around each and every one of us individually over the next three days as we tried to wrap our minds and our hearts around his impending death. From my oldest brother to the youngest grandchild. I believe he waited until all of us had had our time with him to let his body stop working.  He was always such a gentleman and his passing was so generous and so compassionate and so loving.

I'll never forget this day.  I'll never forget the call from my sister, Bean, telling me that he had a stroke.  "Kate, you need to come to the hospital.  Dad had another stroke.  They don't think he is going to survive this."  I didn't believe it - even though I believed it - I couldn't believe it - not my Dad.  Not now.  Your parents are supposed to live forever - how am I going to survive without my Dad?

Just hours before midnight - when the clock would whisper happy birthday to his wife - he sat at the computer and composed an email.  He wrote in the subject line, "TO ANN WITH LOVE" in all caps.  He couldn't have known how important that extra emphasis would be.  Or did he?  He wrote her a birthday email too personal to ever share - and too beautiful to ever forget.  At the end of the email was a poem - my Dad loved writing poems for my Mom.  It was almost like he knew that something was up.  He had to get his birthday wishes in before he laid down that night.

Technically, I was never able to say goodbye to my Dad while he was conscious.  And while to some, that may seem tragic - to me it didn't matter.  The beauty of my relationship with my Dad (and I'm sure my siblings and my Mom would feel this way, too) is that we never left anything unsaid.  We loved.  We cried.  We laughed.  We wrote.  We encouraged.  We fought.  We made up.  We talked and talked.  We never ended a conversation without saying "I love you."  That is the greatest gift a daughter could ever receive from her Dad...and give to her Dad.  I was - and will always remain - so lucky.

I lost my Dad one year ago today - but I never really did.  He's around me every day and I know he's still reading my blog.  And if I know him, he's printing it out in Heaven's office and passing it around with pride.

I'm sorry that my Mom has this heavy burden on her birthday.  But the truth is - I try to celebrate my Mom every single day.  It's rare that a day goes by without us talking. As you all know by now, I love my Mom so much.  She really is my closest friend.  And she is more than I could wish for in a Granny.  When I asked Brian what he loved about his Granny, he said:  "I give Granny a big kiss and a hug and she gets very very happy and laughs a lot."  Oh, and "Granny *prized* me with a cookie and gave me a Jeep from her basement."  Granny should know that the plastic garage sale jeep was like a rare treasure to him and he slept with it for a solid week.  Anything Granny touches is magic to my children.  Just like it was when I was a little girl.  And not much has changed.  My Mom still has a way of making everything alright for everyone else.  I just wish I could make it alright for her right now.

Wishing my Mother a peaceful day of remembering her husband with love.  

And remembering how much he - and her five children - and her five children in law - and her 20 grandchildren love her, too.  

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Welcome To The Family!...

I'm writing this from beautiful New Hampshire!!  My sister, Bean, and I drove up here for the weekend to celebrate two important events.  One is Granny's birthday, which is tomorrow!  

Happy 75th, Granny!!  We had a birthday dinner and presented her with a Keurig coffee maker.  We're so happy we could be together for this event.

 The other event was a bridal shower!  My nephew Dan is getting married this March.  I was finally able to meet his fiancee, Miranda, today and attend her shower.  

In two days, it will be a year from the day that Dan and I stood in a Chick Fil A parking lot as he told me all about this "girl named Miranda" that he really liked.  The whole family was together at that time while my Dad was in the hospital - days before his death.  

I remember looking at Dan's excited eyes and listening to his detailed story about how he met Miranda and how he fell in love with her and thought - this is just what this family will need.  The juxtaposition between losing our Dad and Grandfather...and watching young love turn into a family wedding.  It has been beautiful.

The shower was lovely!  My nieces, Emily and Hannah, came up with so many unique ideas for decorations...

 ...and fun activities.

 It was a rustic, fall theme.  Dan and Miranda are laid back and simple and the shower reflected their style. 

 And, of course, my sister Meg is the master entertainer.  She can throw a party on a moment's notice blindfolded.  Clearly this is not a genetic trait.  Either that or I was adopted.

I'm so excited for March!!  Congratulations, Dan and Miranda!  And welcome to our loving family, Miranda.

Meanwhile back in Pennsylvania... Ed, Gavin and Brian are enjoying "Boys Weekend" and having a lot of fun!  I talked to Brian moments ago and he told me, "I played a LOT, Mommy!"  And Gavin, he informed me, has been a good boy.

I'll be home tomorrow evening to hug my boys tight!  The next few days will be difficult for our family as we remember Pop.  If you have some spare positive energy, send it our way?

I Dreamed A Dream...

Look at this long, long hallway.  As Gavin's Mom - I have walked a thousand long hallways with him. Some looked like they'd never end.  Some were dark and dismal.  Some made it feel like I'd never reach that light at the far end.  But yesterday - this long, long hallway was like the yellow brick road.  It was a journey to a new beginning.  It was a symbol of how long his journey has been to get where he is today.  Yesterday was one of the highlights of my five year journey as Gavin's Mommy.

I spent yesterday morning with Gavin at school.  And he walked me down that hallway.  Yes, walked.

And then he walked me all the way back.

I've always been a champion of Gavin - and I've always believed that he'd accomplish much.  But for some reason, being there with him at school and walking with him holding his hand - it was a feeling I can't explain.  To say I never thought I'd see this day would not be true - but to say I felt like I was experiencing something I'd only dreamed of would be entirely accurate.

Getting to see everything that I have only been hearing about was wonderful.  Like circle time!  Gavin clearly listens and participates.  (All of these pictures were taken with my super stealthy spy camera - aka my iPhone - so excuse the quality)

Here's a video of him saying "hello" during the "Hello Song."  His little friend, Jamie, who was sitting next to him was so patient while waiting for him to push his "hello" button.  Gavin is all about the suspense...

He was given a choice after circle time.  Miss Megan held up a photo of the kitchen area (GENEROUSLY donated by my wonderful neighbor, Patti!!)...

...and the floor mats, which you can see behind him.  He's a smart kid.  He chose the kitchen - played there for a little bit - and then hightailed it over to the mats before playtime was over.

Seeing Miss Sara in action solidified my decision to insist that she go to school with him.  She is absolutely essential.  Gavin never has to miss out on anything... he can participate equally in everything... and he has a buddy who knows him so well.  

Miss Megan, Gavin's teacher, has done a wonderful job with the classroom.  It's bright and cheery and the layout is easy for Gavin (and all the kids!) to navigate.  He really loves her - I can tell.  And he is so happy at school - as you can see...

As I was in the principal's office signing out to leave, I told the secretary that my visit was one of the highlights of my life.  She turned her head and looked at me quizzically.  There was too much history involved for a short explanation, so I just left it at that.

But you and I both know... Gavin has come such a long way.  And truly, there is no hallway too long that I won't travel with him.  And truly, there really is no dream too big I could dream for him.  I'm so lucky to be his Mommy.

Not All Treasure is Silver and Gold...

I introduce to you my two Halloween treasures...

Captain Long Legged Gavin who's motto is...

"The Rougher the seas, the smoother I sail.  Yo Ho!"

He may look like a nice pirate, but beware.

 Turn your back and he'll steal your lady.

And then there's Captain Jolly Belly Brian.

His motto?

"I give the orders on this deck, me bucko!"

"Now go find a hat that fits Captain Long Legged Gavin's head or you'll walk the plank, Mommy."

And that concludes our Halloween.  No, seriously, we're done with Halloween!  I have yet to take the boys out for traditional "Trick or Treating."  I just think they're too young - for the door to door AND the candy.  Obviously, Gavin can't eat it - but I don't want Brian to be eating it (or asking for it) yet.  But have no fear - they had lots of costume fun!

Last week, we attended our neighborhood's Halloween Party and they both had loads of fun with kids from the 'hood.

Brian ran around playing the "Amazing Pumpkin Race" with his assigned team and did a great job!

One of the "pit stops" was to eat a donut off a string without using his hands...

He may or may not have cheated.

But you don't confront a pirate about such things.

Gavin was content in his stroller and even made a friend in his neighbor, Annelliot!

And he "talked" the entire time we were there.

He even spilled where he hides his treasure!

  But I'll never tell.

I think this is the last year I will "get away" with not taking the boys for that "door to door candy collection."  They have been blissfully unaware that they've missed out on anything and that's fine with me!  The parties and the dress up and the treats have been a lot of fun for them!  So they will be off to bed early before the doorbell starts ringing.  Don't report me to Child Protective Services if you know what's good for you.  I have two Pirates on the payroll here.  And they're not afraid to use that rubber sword.  Arrghh.

Happy Halloween!!

ps... do not miss tomorrow's journal.  It will be a Halloween treat from Gavin to all of you.