Today was the big day!! After watching Hope shove her hair out of her eyes fifty times a day, every day... and watching her immediately remove any bow or headband or masking tape I used to a: contain her hair or b: identify her as a girl in public... I gave in and decided she needed to get a haircut.
Haircuts are a big deal in our family. Gavin and Brian had their first haircuts with Miss Silvia much earlier than Hope and went every month faithfully (Brian still does). Gavin would sit on my lap and smile through the entire thing. I would set a portable DVD player on Miss Silvia's station and he'd happily watch one of his favorite movies while Brian sat patiently in his stroller and waited his turn.
He was just as happy to sit for his cuts every time, too.
So we really didn't know what to expect from Hope. She's not one to sit still for very long unless she's strapped in! I figured I'd have to work hard to hold her still on my lap - and bring lots of bribes.
Brian was SO excited about Hope's first haircut that he made me promise to schedule it when he could be there. And he reminded me to bring that DVD player. If I look into the crevices, I bet it still has Gavin and Brian's little hairs in them. Think I was exaggerating when I said haircuts are a big deal in our family? Ed raced from work so he could be there for Hope's milestone! It was a family affair. And it was a little emotional for all of us. As soon as I pulled out that DVD player, even Miss Silvia got choked up. Gavin was definitely there with us... and I'm sure he was pleased that I chose one of his favorite "Baby Einstein" movies.
Imagine our surprise when Hope climbed into the seat and... sat there!! Silvia put the cape on her and... she didn't move!
She spent her time watching the movie...
or looking at Brian or her Daddy.
She was so good!!
Take a look!
The end result was an adorable, short "bob" with cute bangs. It can be swept to the right or the left and, most importantly, it will stay out of her eyes!
She doesn't look thrilled (it was during a suspenseful part in her Baby Einstein movie) but you can get an idea of how it looks from the front.
But once she heard her Daddy and Brian complimenting her, she was all smiles...
...and so were we. We celebrated at a nearby restaurant for dinner!
It's hard to explain moments like this - and why we make a fuss like we do. I'm not sure that we even understand. All I can tell you is that it makes us happy to do these little things as a family. And to celebrate them with great joy.
Lately - as I'm sure you've noticed - my posts have long gaps between them. I have a recipe for my world class excuse that I'm happy to share with you.
One part laziness.
Two parts busy children who run me straight to bed early each night.
One healthy dose of grief which, to be honest, has a strong connection to my writing.
Mix that together - add some "writing would make me miss Dancing with the Stars" or insert any mind numbing TV show in its place - and you have my decadent excuse.
I was talking to my Aunt today about my blog and explaining to her this very struggle. When I started writing, I never expected it would turn into THIS. I also never expected that Gavin would die, but that's a whole other blog post. Throughout his life, every day was filled with a new milestone or therapy or fun adventures or scary medical issues or alternative treatments... I could go on and on and on. But that's the point. I would sit down at the end of the day and know exactly what I was writing about! Now our lives are... I guess there's no other word for it than "typical." Brian's in school all day and Hope is a toddler and when I sit down at the end of the day I think, "Does anyone really want to hear that Hope has a new cup or that Brian and I did an art project after school or we made brownies and fancied them up with a bag of chocolate chips which was a big mistake?" I typically answer that with, "Wait... where's the remote?"
But then... there's the guilt. I don't want Hope to grow up and see the huge gaps in HER little life when I have Gavin and Brian's life together chronicled, in detail, for years. But on the other hand... how grateful I am that I have Gavin and Brian's life together chronicled, in detail, for years. Brian and Hope will absolutely be able to read all about Gavin and understand his story when they're older.
Anywhoo..... that's what's on my mind.
So, since I haven't written in a bit, I have a "dump" of information to catch up on. Here we go... try to keep up!! Ha!
Brian had his final soccer game and said goodbye to his coaches, Joe and Kevin.
I had to talk him into soccer - he really wasn't interested. I finally convinced him when I listed his friends that had signed up. In hindsight, I should have just led with that information - it was an instant yes when he heard who would be there!
He started off the season knowing very little about the game - and he ended up being really good! I mean, there were a few times that he forgot which goal was their team's - but that's just a small technicality.
The coaches were positive and encouraging and really came down to the kids levels. Coach Kevin would give personal pep talks to the kids and sneak a teaching moment in at the same time, which Brian responded well to.
Our little guy is on the shy side so I was always shocked to see him out on the field going after the ball. He really got in there and gave it his all!! And once we started using the inhaler for his "Exercise Induced Asthma," he was much more comfortable running up and down the field during the game.
We missed picture day (so bummed to miss those adorable little trading cards!) so I took my own picture after the final game. Brian was excited that they used HIS ball for the last game!
After the game, the whole team went to a restaurant for pizza, cupcakes and an award ceremony. The coach gave a personal speech to each child before giving them their trophy. Brian got the award for being the "best listener" on the team - because he took feedback well and improved a lot from the beginning to the end of the season. Brian, with cupcake icing all over his mouth, was grinning from ear to ear.
I don't quite understand the controversy about trophies at this age. Brian and his friends are ALL about the trophies - and it was something he was really looking forward to. I see it as a visual reminder on the shelf in his room about the time he resisted trying something new - tried it anyway - ended up having a lot of fun - learned that he was actually really good - and found a sport that he really loves! I don't see anything wrong with that. I hope when he looks at his trophy he remembers all of that - and feels pride.
I was especially proud of Brian at his final game because he was up super late the night before! He had his first Cub Scout camping trip!!
He and Ed joined Brian's pack on a "Night at the Museum" overnight. They had educational activities, toured the museum and watched "The Lorax" before setting up their air mattresses among the animals and dinosaur eggs. They had such a great time! We are really enjoying the Cub Scout experience so far.
While Ed and Brian were away, Hope and I had a little "girl's night!" The first thing she did was steal her brother's cup which is her goal every single day. This time (don't tell Brian) I didn't take it away.
She walked around like such a big shot all night!
I love spending time with this happy little girl. It's pretty rare that she's a grump!
After breaking her arm a couple weeks ago (dancing!), my Mom is doing GREAT. She'll be getting a hard cast very soon and, if all goes well, she should be cast free before Christmas! She has had such a great attitude about this temporary setback. She's a warrior!
Our new home has no shortage of beautiful, huge, old trees. Coincidentally, our yard is now filled with beautiful, huge leaves. A LOT of leaves. Want an idea of how MANY leaves? Our first time bagging mulched leaves from JUST the front yard filled 32 large trash bags. But the good news?
EPIC LEAF PILES!!
You can even SWIM through them!
We love how they look - and watching them fall like soft snow in our peaceful yard is one of my favorite things to do.
I spend my days at home with Hope and we are never bored! She loves to walk around carrying a "purse" and filling it with toys, books and her snacks - after she dumps them out of her snack cup.
We spend time outside on the driveway where she loves to push her stroller, get dirty, play with chalk and bubbles and play on the playground.
We play in her miniature playroom in the basement reading books and cooking in the "kitchen" and doing puzzles.
We lay around and practice "mothering" her dolls, practicing animal sounds and watching her recent favorite DVDs that were also Gavin's favorites - "Baby Signing Time."
Hope follows me happily everywhere I go in the house... and easily finds something to do or get into. When she is doing something that she probably thinks is naughty, you'll hear her saying "HOPE! No, No! HOPE! No, No!" That's usually my cue that I should peek around the corner to catch her emptying out a drawer, creating a tissue box explosion or dumping her snack cup. But be warned - if you hear her say "Uh oh" - it's likely too late. The damage is done so you should approach with caution... and a vacuum. She is the funniest little girl - we laugh a lot during the day!
While we're busying playing all day, Brian is having fun at school! Every day he comes home with a big smile and tells me something he learned, what he played at recess and with whom, what he did that was nice, etc. We are so happy with our choice of school for Brian. And we are even MORE excited that they just received the Blue Ribbon of Excellence Award! The Principal of Saint Norbert School, Mrs. Hennessy, and some of the teachers - including Brian's, Mrs. Korom - travelled to Washington, DC to be honored by the Department of Education. Schools that are chosen for the Blue Ribbon are those that perform at high academic levels.
That Friday, they had a day filled with celebrations. Each child brought in two boxes of cereal - one was put aside to donate to a local food pantry and the other was put on a "breakfast bar of champions" for all the kids to share as a snack!
The kids could skip their uniforms and dress down - and they were all given matching "Blue Ribbon" tee shirts! This is the entire school...
And they ended the day with a performance by a local circus act called "The Give and Take Jugglers." The parents and siblings were invited, too! It was such a cute performance - completely tailored to the children and very interactive!
They even had an aerial artist who performed on a rope and silks. This was all in the school gym!
We're grateful to be sending Brian (and one day, Hope) to a school that knows how to work hard... and play hard. And the gift they have is that the two are often combined and the kids don't even realize it! That, to me, is the sign of an excellent school.
Finally, I had a rare day out this past weekend! My friend, Claire, and I went to see author and blogger Glennon Melton from Momastery talk! She had a speaking engagement at a nearby church. It was Claire's first time hearing Glennon and she really enjoyed it. If you've never seen her, definitely watch her website for dates in your area - you won't regret it.
She's hilarious -
and real -
and touching -
and kind.
Her words are changing people. And her people are changing the world.
I'm honored to count her as a friend.
Thank you, as always, for caring about our little family.
It's been two years and six months and a few weeks since Gavin died.
It's been a long time - and it's been the blink of an eye.
When I think about all that has happened in the time since my world came crashing down, I can get easily overwhelmed...
On the heels of losing my Father... I lost my son and, with him, the hopes and dreams and aspirations that I had for his life.
I lost part of my identity which was wrapped up in his care and needs and happiness and health.
I was unexpectedly pregnant and thrilled about it which was, obviously, emotionally challenging.
I was pregnant and grieving and parenting a little boy who lost his brother and trying to support a man who lost his son.
I lost people - Gavin's people who were in and out of our house on a near daily basis. Therapists and aides and teachers - all of whom became part of our family. Some still are! But the steady stream suddenly stopped - leaving an absolute void.
I look back and wonder (a lot) how I did what I did in those days, weeks, months - even the first year - after Gavin died. How did I give a eulogy? How did I not lose Hope (literally AND figuratively!)? How did I give speeches and hold a giant fundraiser and continue to write?
I lost some friends and experienced a betrayal of epic proportions that I never saw coming.
As this blog grew and grew, things got weird. I would get emails - lots of emails - on a daily basis. The majority of them were lovely and thoughtful and encouraging. Many were people reaching out to ask for help or advice or tips. But boy... did the meanies, the judgers, the unsolicited advice givers - did I mention the meanies? - come at me from all angles. I even got obnoxious, hateful comments on my blog. (You wouldn't believe what people say to me - it's pretty shocking... when it's not so ridiculously funny) I finally had to start blocking people and monitoring comments, which I hated to do. But guess what? This blog is a chronicle of my children's lives... which means it's not up for critique or attacks or nasty comments. They will read this someday - and that is one of the main reasons that I started... and continue to write this blog at all!! I feel so, overwhelmingly grateful that I have Gavin's entire life in writing. How special it will be for Brian and Hope to read this someday and get an idea of what our life was like with Gavin... and what it was like in the days and weeks and years without him.
I really have wondered, as I look back at all that happened and all I accomplished, how I managed to do it all. And I think I know the answer. Adrenaline. You can never be prepared for losing a child - even if you know it's coming. And you can't predict how you'll act - what you'll say or do... especially when you have thousands of eyes on you. I feel like Ed and I were both carried by adrenaline in order to get us through the days leading up to Gavin's death... the actual goodbye... the organ donation... the viewing and the huge amount of people there... the funeral - decisions - all of it. I believe that people showed up expecting to see us wrecked - or showed up here expecting me to not show up at all or be whatever it was they "expected" was normal for a grieving Mom. It's hard to explain the adrenaline - but it got us through. It got me through for a long time. I expected to crash - there's always a crash in extreme cases like this. It didn't really come. Then I got worried and thought it would happen after Hope was born and be the worst kind of post partum there is. That didn't happen, either.
But it did happen.
I noticed it about a month or so ago... and I'm still in it. Call it what you want - a crash, a slump, a funk... stuck. Maybe all of the above. But suddenly I feel it. We are happy in our new home and I show up for everyone and we play and read and do homework and dance. But I'm stuck in grief - I feel it. I don't care to be anywhere or do anything other than stay here, holed up in my new house, and play with Hope or listen to Brian's stories after school or eat Ben & Jerry's. I've had no motivation to write or decorate the new place or make plans or put on makeup or take the amount of photos I used to take or even get out of my pajamas some days.
I haven't been me... and I know it.
I will be honest - with the blog posts so few and far between and with me being so unmotivated in general - I really thought that many of you would dwindle away. But you didn't. You're all still here. Even when it's boring you show up... and it's clear you still care about our little family.
No matter what happens down the road, it will be a very cool thing to tell Brian and Hope about the days when I wrote about our lives... and how so many wonderful people were rooting for us along the way.
I'll get through this. There's no predicting how one's grief journey will twist and turn. I am desperately missing my son and my father and I'm not expecting very much from myself during this time. The laundry can wait - the writing can wait - the kids and the Ben & Jerry's can NOT wait, but they get a pass.
Soon I will be myself again - or maybe even a better version of myself - okay, maybe not - but basically what I'm trying to say is this: Thank you for your patience and understanding and for not forgetting Gavin.
I will be completely honest - I am so relieved that the monthly photo shoots are over. I remember being equally relieved when they were over with Brian as he turned two as well. At this age, they are just too busy to sit for a picture. And every one you get turns out blurry or they're only half in the frame because they started to run as you started to snap the photo! But ahhhhh.... now the posed photos are taken on birthdays and half birthdays. That's twice a year with a beautiful six month recovery period between events. Because trust me - these photo shoots sometimes turn into events. Ha!
I'm slightly exaggerating, of course. I love taking pictures of the kids - especially on their special days. Brian and sometimes Ed get into the fun and act as my assistants - jumping around behind me to get Hope's attention or try to make her smile.
And sometimes - it really works!!
Hope grew up a little this month. She is getting more mature and interactive, which has been a lot of fun. She's still very busy and likes to get her hands on things and sometimes gets her hands on something you don't want her to get her hands on. That's when she runs away and I chase after her - which reminds me why I'm glad that we don't leave the house all that much.
Her play has changed a lot! She will sit down with me and "read" books - pointing to pictures and telling me what they are. She loves to pretend to mother her dolls - putting them in a cradle, covering them, burping them and then throwing them to the floor. (We'll need to work on that before she goes off to school.) I brought out Gavin and Brian's old "Signing Time" DVDs and she enjoys watching them and picking up some new signs. She knows the basic signs for please, more and thank you... and today we were working on drink and play.
Hope is a thinker. She studies you when you're saying something or doing something like she's soaking it all up. Next thing you know - she's trying it herself!
Her vocabulary has increased a lot this month! And she's starting to put words together to make little sentences. It always thrills me when she does things like this - making sentences, pointing to things in books and naming them - as I remember these were "markers" when therapists would come to the house to assess Gavin or Brian. I feel like I subconsciously breathe a sigh of relief - like she has passed some kind of internal test with each "milestone."
One tiny thing that is bugging me is her sudden rejection of foods she's been eating forever - like chicken!! She loved chicken!! I am hoping and praying that she doesn't turn into a super picky eater. I mean, if she does - she's out of luck. It's a miracle that one meal is made - I'm not about to make another for anyone. We've been extremely lucky so far - Gavin did and Brian will eat anything we put in front of them. I'm sure it's just a phase. I say that about everything.
One thing that has remained consistent with all of our children is sleeping. I was blessed with another great sleeper in Hope. If I say, "It's time for your rest!" during the day - she takes my hand and skips to the stairs. And she is ready for bed at 7 with Brian and we don't see her (or her big brother!) until the morning. Sometimes she's still sleeping when Brian heads to the bus stop at 7am! I am so grateful that I have good sleepers - and I know how lucky I am, trust me.
Hope loves to be independent - it's her favorite thing. From putting her shoes on (or my shoes, or Brian's or even Daddy's!) to telling you when she has a dirty diaper to climbing into her highchair or stroller or carseat to using utensils, she is on the case. Oh, and remember that "screeching to hear her voice" phase? That came and went... proving what I always say: nothing lasts forever. Everything is a phase and that one was short lived.
The other day we took the kids to a little deli nearby that we love.
Ed and I were laughing about how we've changed. When Gavin and Brian were Hope's age - you wouldn't have caught us EVER letting their hands touch a non-covered restaurant highchair or table. And oh my goodness - we would NEVER have let them eat food that had touched the table. But listen - we're older now. And Hope is faster than both of us. And honestly, sometimes it's all about survival. And watching her thoroughly enjoy eating because she is in charge is kind of fun (until we have to clean up the floor below - but it's all good).
So we let her have at it - and we sit back and all smile and laugh as she entertains us with her hilarious and happy personality.
Because there's one thing you should know about Hope. This girl is always happy.
Happy 23 months, Hope!! One more month until you're TWO!
