Our calendars start in June in our house. Creating them is one of my favorite things to do - I look forward to it every year. I make them in June for a very silly reason - it makes a great Father's Day gift! Ed has a special one for work to recap the year in photos - and we have one in the kitchen. Every calendar - since the first year we were married - has been named. "Our First Year" "The Year We Met Gavin" "Brian's First Year"... you get the idea. I save them all - they are like mini history books.
This year's calendar was difficult to make. Gavin had been gone for two months.
I loved going through all the photos for each month - until I got to April.
Once I hit April, there were no more photos of Gavin. I remember sitting in front of my computer with tears streaming down my face. I wanted to somehow fit every single photo I had into that month. I didn't want to face that this was it.
As I flipped the calendar each month since last June, I felt so happy every time I went to the refrigerator. The pictures recounted memories that were so recent.
The summer photos were my favorite... especially the ones from the beach. But painful, as well, knowing we will never experience Gavin's joyful face as the waves crash around him.
September is his birthday month. It is so hard to believe he would have been seven on his next birthday. Yet now here we are - he is frozen. Forever five.
I know I will get excited about creating calendars again. I know that I will miss Gavin's big milestones in photos - like taking steps on his own.
His milestones will be replaced with his baby sister's big moments. And that will be wonderful.
But part of me dreads every time I have to flip that calendar now. It is a harsh visual reminder that we are moving further and further away from Gavin.
I will still add him to our calendars each year... but it will never, ever be the same.
He is frozen at five.
Because they love us we never forget
ReplyDeleteBecause I live I will never forget an when I die I will alwas watch over my loved ones.
ReplyDeleteWow!! I read this post three times. Each time more tears ran down my cheeks. You are such a good writer, Kate. It is as if I
ReplyDeleteam living some of those moments with you. Gavin was and always will be a very special little boy.
Love and love and love to you. Just....thank you. You make me cherish moments with my own kids which I might otherwise neglect.
ReplyDeleteI always look forward on your new posts.. and probably this is one is hardest to read. I feel your pain, Kate. Although I have not yet experience such a big loss, I just cannot imagine myself going thru the same battle like you do. However though, you are coping so well. You have beautiful children and they are so lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteHello Kate,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to make a small correction in your post. Hope's steps can never replace those of Gavin's. And he is not frozen at 5. Let him continue to grow in your hearts. This year he would have been 6, 7 in the next. Think, imagine and be happy aboug the milestones he would have reached each year. I am sure he would love that! To live on in your hearts! Celebrate his birthday this September, let Hope and Brian cut the cake.
Bottom line: Chase your rainbows of happiness! Let Brian and Hope love their big brother. Keep smiling! Trust me, the way Gavin was conected to your panic meter, in the same way, he will atay connected to all of you via uour hapoy thoughts about him.
P.S. Hope is a little angke, who makes me smile a smile, all these milea away, each day. And Brian is an adorable son and big brother! Loads of love and hugs!
And even though gavin is not staring back at you through the calendar, I am sure he is therw turning the pages just waiting to see Brian and Hope. Cwtching and snuggling you all up while you sleep. Xxx
ReplyDeleteThis is so poignantly expressed. Thinking of you and your family with love, Kate. xxxx
ReplyDeleteThe calendar title is hard to take in. I miss Gavin, though I never met him in person. I am glad you took lots of pictures. Gavin will always be a super hero in my heart. He inspires me so much.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have to walk this road Kate.
Hugs and lots of love.
ReplyDeleteEveryone grieves differently and that is perfectly ok... I get what your saying that he is frozen at 5, because thats what he is with your last pictures and when you say replaced by Hope's milestones, we all know (or so I hope) that your not replacing Gavin with Hope, but instead of his milestones it will be Hopes (as you said) ... Your family is so beautiful, both inside and out, and your SuperHero Gavin has become just that, a real life SuperHero<3... All of the amazing projects you have done in his name are simply awesome and I can truly see they came from a mommy that loves her children with everything that she is<3... Im so very sorry you lost your cherished baby, but I am so very grateful for all you've done for other people's family and their babies<3
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