Okay... I'm here to tell you the truth. The last day of our trip I was filled with anxiety to the point that it was hard for me to enjoy myself. On Tuesday I had myself wondering if I had felt Hope move... and from that point on, I was feeling quite frantic (inside and to myself) trying to entice her to wiggle around for me. I kept ordering frozen fruit punches and drinking ice water and poking my belly here and there. At one point I thought I felt a flutter - but my anxiety never left. I really couldn't wait to get home the next day. As soon as we got home, said hello and thank you and goodbye to Miss Sara and snuck in to see a sleeping Brian... I went into my bedroom and pulled out my fetal doppler. Before the trip, I hadn't been successful finding her heartbeat - it could be that it's just too early or she's far in there! But now I really needed to hear her - and I couldn't find the heartbeat. A week earlier I would have felt better about it - but at this point, I had myself a little worked up (internally).
I suppose I can't blame myself for "crop-ups" of anxiety like this. When I was pregnant with Darcy, I was always worried about feeling movement. And I remember the day that I decided to let go of my worries and just enjoy my pregnancy. A week later, she was dead. A freak cord accident.
Today I had an OB appointment that was scheduled and I had been planning to bring Brian (for no other reason than a lack of babysitter). But because of my anxiety - I was reconsidering!! I decided to bring him anyway and go in with a back up plan. My OB, Dr. Langan (who delivered Gavin, Brian and Darcy), brought me in first and we did a quick check. Heartbeat. Thank God. Then he went and got Brian and brought him in. (He had been in the waiting room under the watchful eye of Dr. Langan's wife, Marianne, and his daughter, Cailin. He lifted Brian up on the table next to me while Cailin took photos with my iPhone.
Brian was mesmerized...
I took a video that is much longer than this one, but for some reason the last two minutes were cut off! Dr. Langan went out of his way to go into detail about every bit of her anatomy and also did a great job explaining things to Brian in four year old terms. (In the beginning of the video he's talking about something and someone else so ignore that part!)
Enjoy your glimpse of Hope!
He also REALLY hooked me up with photos! You think??
A good shot of her two little feet together...
...and a good spot for the photo on the fridge under the watchful eye of her big brother, Gavin.
After the appointment, I suggested we stop in the hospital cafe for a snack "to celebrate," I said. Brian was definitely in agreement - especially when he saw a donut in the case!
But he also had his own idea of celebrating and suggested that we go to Toys R Us "right away." "I want to pick out a toy for my sister to celebrate, Mama." I figured I knew what he was really up to... and I was right. After choosing an adorable pink poodle that can clip onto things and jiggle and shake he proclaimed that it was now "his turn" to pick out a toy. For himself. Star Wars, of course. And this Mama was happy to oblige.
Brian loves sneaking into Hope's growing closet to play with her toys.
So... while we're "celebrating" being home and having Hope... I thought I would give you all a little treat. Ed and I move fast and we have Hope's nursery halfway done!! We obviously still need a lot - including artwork - but I love this room already. (Try not to notice that nothing is ironed yet!) In the video you'll notice a Madeline doll on the dresser. That was something I lovingly bought for Darcy and I'm so glad I saved it. And the butterflies over the mirror are from Gavin's funeral. In the crib is a little brown giraffe which was one of the first things I bought for Gavin when I was pregnant with him - and it was one of my favorite little rattles of his. And I love that we moved the chair we bought when I was pregnant with Gavin into Hope's room. I rocked him many, many nights in that big chair. And I know I'll feel him as I rock his baby sister. I sit in this room at least once a day and talk to Gavin and Hope. I hope you like it...
Ed and I miss Gavin desperately and we're trying to simultaneously grieve, comfort each other, parent Brian and expect a new baby all at once. It is not easy. But we are both really embracing this miracle from Heaven - and are so, so excited to meet Hope Margaret this Christmas.
