Home Sweet Hope...

Okay... I'm here to tell you the truth.  The last day of our trip I was filled with anxiety to the point that it was hard for me to enjoy myself.  On Tuesday I had myself wondering if I had felt Hope move... and from that point on, I was feeling quite frantic (inside and to myself) trying to entice her to wiggle around for me.  I kept ordering frozen fruit punches and drinking ice water and poking my belly here and there.  At one point I thought I felt a flutter - but my anxiety never left.  I really couldn't wait to get home the next day.  As soon as we got home, said hello and thank you and goodbye to Miss Sara and snuck in to see a sleeping Brian... I went into my bedroom and pulled out my fetal doppler.  Before the trip, I hadn't been successful finding her heartbeat - it could be that it's just too early or she's far in there! But now I really needed to hear her - and I couldn't find the heartbeat.  A week earlier I would have felt better about it - but at this point, I had myself a little worked up (internally).

I suppose I can't blame myself for "crop-ups" of anxiety like this.  When I was pregnant with Darcy, I was always worried about feeling movement.  And I remember the day that I decided to let go of my worries and just enjoy my pregnancy.  A week later, she was dead.  A freak cord accident.

Today I had an OB appointment that was scheduled and I had been planning to bring Brian (for no other reason than a lack of babysitter).  But because of my anxiety - I was reconsidering!!  I decided to bring him anyway and go in with a back up plan.  My OB, Dr. Langan (who delivered Gavin, Brian and Darcy), brought me in first and we did a quick check.  Heartbeat.  Thank God.  Then he went and got Brian and brought him in.  (He had been in the waiting room under the watchful eye of Dr. Langan's wife, Marianne, and his daughter, Cailin.  He lifted Brian up on the table next to me while Cailin took photos with my iPhone.

Brian was mesmerized...

I took a video that is much longer than this one, but for some reason the last two minutes were cut off! Dr. Langan went out of his way to go into detail about every bit of her anatomy and also did a great job explaining things to Brian in four year old terms.  (In the beginning of the video he's talking about something and someone else so ignore that part!)

Enjoy your glimpse of Hope!

He also REALLY hooked me up with photos!  You think??

A good shot of her two little feet together...

...and a good spot for the photo on the fridge under the watchful eye of her big brother, Gavin.

After the appointment, I suggested we stop in the hospital cafe for a snack "to celebrate," I said.  Brian was definitely in agreement - especially when he saw a donut in the case!

But he also had his own idea of celebrating and suggested that we go to Toys R Us "right away."  "I want to pick out a toy for my sister to celebrate, Mama."  I figured I knew what he was really up to... and I was right.  After choosing an adorable pink poodle that can clip onto things and jiggle and shake he proclaimed that it was now "his turn" to pick out a toy.  For himself.  Star Wars, of course.  And this Mama was happy to oblige.

Brian loves sneaking into Hope's growing closet to play with her toys.

So... while we're "celebrating" being home and having Hope... I thought I would give you all a little treat.  Ed and I move fast and we have Hope's nursery halfway done!!  We obviously still need a lot - including artwork - but I love this room already.  (Try not to notice that nothing is ironed yet!)  In the video you'll notice a Madeline doll on the dresser.  That was something I lovingly bought for Darcy and I'm so glad I saved it.  And the butterflies over the mirror are from Gavin's funeral.  In the crib is a little brown giraffe which was one of the first things I bought for Gavin when I was pregnant with him - and it was one of my favorite little rattles of his.  And I love that we moved the chair we bought when I was pregnant with Gavin into Hope's room.  I rocked him many, many nights in that big chair.  And I know I'll feel him as I rock his baby sister.  I sit in this room at least once a day and talk to Gavin and Hope.  I hope you like it...

Ed and I miss Gavin desperately and we're trying to simultaneously grieve, comfort each other, parent Brian and expect a new baby all at once.  It is not easy.  But we are both really embracing this miracle from Heaven - and are so, so excited to meet Hope Margaret this Christmas.

Mommy's Having a Baby!...

Today was the big day.  Ed and I told Brian he was going to be a big brother!!!

We just couldn't keep it a secret from him anymore.  With my belly growing day by day and purchases being made and even the chance that he'd hear it from someone else... we thought it was time.  We have been honest and upfront about everything else since Gavin's death.  But... I have agonized over this.  I was fearful of telling him too soon for obvious reasons.  But then I thought, if I have decided to put my fears aside and believe this baby born - why should I be fearful at all?  I worried, too, about the way we told him.  I had every anxiety imaginable - that he'd think we were "replacing" Gavin... or that he would be "replaced"... or that he'd HATE the idea.  I seriously spent four days researching the internet for stories that matched ours.  You know, a woman with multiple pregnancy losses... the loss of a daughter... then the loss of a five year old... then finding out on the day the five year old died that she was pregnant... and had to tell the surviving four year old there would be a new sibling.

Yeah, there's no one like us.  *sigh*

So, I thought and thought and thought.  And I asked Gavin to help me.  You'll see in this video what I came up with... and what Brian thought of the whole thing.  And, you'll also notice that Brian is sitting in Hope's nursery with her bedding and curtains behind her... and the butterflies from Gavin's funeral.  Enjoy...

As promised, we immediately left after the big announcement to Toys R Us to celebrate.  Brian predictably picked out a Star Wars toy - and then we headed straight to the baby section.  That's when this happened...

I think everything is going to be just fine.

Next, we headed to the mall to throw pennies in the fountain.  My way to include Gavin in our celebration.  After all, he's getting to be a big brother, too.  And we all know he's really good at it.

p.s. - If you happen to disagree with the way I told Brian, please keep it to yourself.  This is a HUGELY sensitive topic for me - and I invested so much emotional energy into what to say.  It will crush me to read any mean spirited or divisive comments about this.  Thanks.

He Can't Be Put Away...

Yesterday was a rough day.  I have been on a roll lately getting things organized around the house...something that makes me very happy.  But the one thing that threw me yesterday was deciding to put some of Gavin's clothes "away."  His closet and dresser are still filled with the clothes he was wearing for the Spring season.  But in the spare room I had all the clothes he had grown out of or was going to be wearing this Summer.  Every day they stared at me.  Mocked me, even.  Typically, I would either give away or sell the outgrown items in a consignment sale I participate in twice a year.  But I won't be doing that this time.  At least not yet.

With Brian safely in the playroom watching a "Veggie Tales" movie, I kneeled on the guest room floor - soon to be Hope's nursery - and I slowly and painstakingly placed each item in a plastic bin.  With each article of clothing, I hoped for a memory to flash through my mind of a happy time.  Instead, I got flashes of the last days.

The second he stopped breathing in the emergency room.

The crowd of people around him and on top of him trying to bring him back.

The jerking of his tiny body when he started seizing.

Saying goodbye...only to soon have hope once again.

Watching his eyes travel in different directions that night and just knowing...he was gone.

Watching his skinny body swell with fluid.

Knowing we would soon say goodbye.

In the hospital on those long days and nights, I actually flashed forward to the day I would start "putting Gavin away" at home.  It seemed inconceivable.  Wrong.  A betrayal.  I left a tear on every piece of adorable clothing as I put it in the bin.

But the truth is, Gavin can't be put away.  He is in every corner of our home.  His spirit invaded our bodies from day one.  His room is now Brian's room - whether it's temporary or permanent is up to Brian.  The truth is, I would have put these clothes away or sold them or given them away if Gavin were still alive.  But typically I look forward to buying new things to replace the old - and there will be no new clothes for Gavin.

I kept it all to myself when Ed got home from work.  We had dinner, did our nightly bedtime ritual with Brian and then went our own ways.  A little while later, I got an email from Ed about a 4th of July sale at Pottery Barn Kids that started that day.  I'm not much of a shopper so I typically ignore these sale emails because I don't want to buy anything.  But for some reason, I clicked onto the website.  And that's when I saw this...

I knew it was Hope's.  And it really felt like Gavin had a part in choosing it.  Everything about it was perfect.  The trees are just like the big trees in Gavin's bedroom.  The big owl and the little owl - like Brian and Hope - with a butterfly flying over them.  I showed Ed and he wholeheartedly agreed.  We had to get it.  (The best part is - Ed had a $200 Pottery Barn Kids gift card that he won so we got this so, so cheap!)  

Then this evening, the three of us went to the Carter's store.  What I wanted to do was exchange a brand new pair of sandals that Gavin never had the chance to wear and choose a new pair for Brian to replace them.  As I was choosing the new sandals with Brian, Ed wandered away.

I walked through the store and froze in my tracks when I saw where he was.  The newborn baby girl section.  As I got closer, he turned to me with a sweet terry sleeper in his hands and a tear in his eye.  

It is really just amazing - improbable - that anyone could find beautiful and hopeful moments after the loss of a child.  But we have been so blessed with Hope... and hope... in more ways than one. 

But you know, it's more than this baby.  We refuse to give up hope.  We refuse to give up joy.  We refuse to give up love... and laughter... and happiness.  Is that easy?  Not always.  But doing anything else would be a disservice to Gavin, who found joy and laughter and happiness in his every day.  Through each painful moment, we remember and honor him by holding onto hope.

Gavin will always be in this home.  He can't be put away.