Footprints...

"My precious child, I love you and will never leave you... never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

I have always loved "Footprints in the Sand." It was something that was always hanging somewhere in our home growing up and I could probably recite it by heart. (But please don't test me.) The poem took on a deeper meaning for me after Gavin died. In 2010, I lost Darcy. In 2011, I lost my Father. Then in 2013 I inexplicably lost Gavin - my firstborn - my entire world. You better believe I had some words with God along the lines of WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??? Who could blame me? But in my heart I know that He was carrying me. Carrying ALL of us... all along.

We weren't quite finished celebrating the day we welcomed Gavin into the world nine years ago. It has become our tradition to serve as "Home Cook Heroes" at the Gift of Life Family House as a way to honor Gavin's life - and his gift of organ donation when he died. The guests of the Family House are either organ transplant patients from all over the world who are getting treatment at a nearby hospital... or they are families and caregivers of patients who are inpatient at a local hospital.

Thanks to our dear friend, Claire Guarino, who helped us prepare a delicious dinner for close to fifty guests. Claire is the owner of a local business in Paoli, PA called (ironically) "Home Cooked." We hit it off when I walked in as a customer looking for a ready-made, home cooked meal to pop in the oven and look like a rock star chef by dinner time. We've been friends ever since. Each year, Claire graciously provides the meal that we then help prepare and serve to the guests. 

This year, we brought a big birthday cake for Gavin.

Everyone gets involved in the prep! 

Well, except Hope who basically just wanted to eat or lick everything so we kept her occupied elsewhere!

Claire's son, Ian, (who knows his way around a kitchen better than me!) is good buddies with Brian so they were excited to see each other. The kids had a great time. 

Each year I look forward to this event. I love the opportunity to serve the people at Gift of Life - whether they are transplant patients, caregivers or the staff. We have been touched by all. Each year I manage to have at least one emotional conversation with a transplant patient or family member. I am always honored to share Gavin's story and assure them - really try to assure them - that donating his organs brought me great comfort. I can imagine how hard it might be to understand that - especially if you've received or are waiting for a transplant and know that to live, someone must die. But there had to be something good that came from our tragedy. 

It was a successful evening - and a delicious meal...

...and a fitting tribute to our little superhero. 

He was our greatest gift of life.

Nine...

Dear Gavin,

You would have been nine today. 

I remember walking into the driveway to tell Daddy, who was washing his car, that it was time to go to the hospital on this day nine years ago. That night was a whirlwind. Quick decisions, emergency c-section, seeing you get whisked away to the NICU for what would end up being the first thirty days of our life together...

The next five and a half years were a whirlwind, too. 

Now is when I think most people would expect me to say - I wish I had known it was going to be such a whirlwind. I wish I had known your life would have been only 5 1/2 years long. And then I'd list all the things I would have done more of, less of or different.

But I can't say that. I feel like the way I parented you was the first best thing I ever did. I enjoyed every moment, I documented everything (thank God), we gave you lots of fun experiences, we tried not to limit you and I worked so hard to get you the help that ended up taking you so far. I don't feel a lot of regrets about the years you were with us. For that, I will always feel profoundly grateful.

But today was hard. We have been missing you a lot lately. It's getting harder to "wonder" what you'd be doing by now. Would you be holding conversations? Would you be running? There are so many unanswered questions - and our answers are only speculations... and they are all stuck in the past. 

We decided to spend the evening having fun as a family - something we know you would have loved.

We made the obvious choice to go to Arnold's Family Fun Center - one of your favorite places. And now Brian and Hope's, too! 

As hard as it is to live without you, Daddy and I agree that the smiles and laughs of your brother and sister make every day easier. 

In a book called "Second Guessing God" by Brian Jones, I read about two different kinds of miracles. The "instantaneous miracle" and the "perseverance miracle." I'd be lying if I sad I wasn't a little bit angry at God for denying us the miracle of letting you live.  But the only way I can explain how we've managed since you died is because we were granted a "perseverance miracle." God gave us the tools, the strength and the love to persevere. 

I know in my heart that you want us to be happy, Gavin. Some days are harder than others. For all of us. And some days are better than most. But my goal is the same. I want your brother and sister to always remember that it's okay to be happy - even when it seems impossible. And it's okay to be sad because we know the sadness won't last forever. 

We ended the evening with a birthday dinner at Pizzeria Uno. Brian and Hope made their own pizzas and shared a big sundae with two spoons. Your brother, on his own accord, wrote down all the people who were there at your "birthday party." I can't think of a better group to have dinner with. 

Nine years ago this night you made me a Mother. My life will never be the same. 

Happy Birthday, Bugaboo.

Love, 

Mommy

First Grade, Here He Comes!...

Dear Brian,

Yesterday was your first day of First Grade!! It has been such an exciting time - for all of us. Once again, you and I went to school the weekend before the first day to leisurely take our "fake first day of school" pictures. It has now become our little tradition to do that - and it's so much fun!

I love laughing with you through these pictures and having our heart to heart talks.

A week ago, when we went to your first grade classroom open house, you were nervous - I could tell. You grabbed my hand in the parking lot and held it tight all the way in...up the stairs...down the hall...and to your desk. Secretly, I was glad you did. I was nervous, too! I wondered if your nerves would stick until the first day - but they were exchanged with excitement.

Brian, I want you to know how proud I am of you. When I look through my camera lens to take these special pictures, I often see your little life like a movie right inside my camera. I can see pictures of me holding you in the hospital after you were born - of you and Gavin face to face for the first time - of your Daddy making you giggle and laugh - your first foods, your first steps, your first words, your first vacation, your first day of preschool... burying your brother... meeting your sister... and then Kindergarten... and now, this. Your first day of First Grade. 

The two of us are connected in a way that only we understand. I feel so honored to hold all of the deep thoughts and feelings you share with me and I promise to always respect you - and those personal moments. 

You amaze me every single day with your thoughtfulness, your good behavior, your sense of humor and your intelligence. This Summer has been filled with lots of time together - and a major life event...our new house! You handled the move and now the start of first grade like you handle everything: with a great attitude and a huge smile.

But I am still your Mommy and it's my job to worry about you! I'll worry that you're focusing and listening well in school. I'll worry that you forget to eat half of your lunch because you're laughing with your friends. I'll worry that you forget important things I've told you - like not falling into group behavior and following along like a little sheep. You're a Leong... and a Gallagher... we don't do that! I'll worry that you're not sticking up for yourself - or others - or speaking up when you're afraid or need help. I will worry because I love you... not because I don't trust you. You have shown me already how strong and trustworthy you are, believe me.

You would think that I would feel excited that I'll have more free time - but I will miss you so much!! And so will Hope. We will watch the clock until it's time to meet you at the bus stop. And we'll always be so excited to hear about your day!! It will be hard for me to wait until Daddy gets home to pepper you with questions about what you did or what you learned or how you felt each day... but I'll try!

 The two of us had two practice runs leading up to the first day. You got up with your alarm at 6:15, got dressed in your uniform and met me downstairs. We had breakfast, brushed teeth and were in the car headed to the corner by 7. Your bus is set to come at 7:06 each day. Our two dry runs went great!! I don't ever want to have our mornings rushed and hectic - that's no way to start a day. When the big day finally came yesterday, you were ready. With Hope still sleeping in her crib, Daddy and I wished you luck, reminded you who you were and gave you some big hugs.

Before we got in the car, you told me you were worried about Hope. "Poor Hope is going to wake up and wonder where I am! You'll remind her that I'm at school and that I'll be back, right? I don't want her to worry and miss me," you said.

The two of us stood at the new bus stop and before we knew it, we saw flashing lights and knew they were for you. We met your new driver, Pat, and I shook his hand and looked into his eyes with a smile that said, "I'm trusting you with my heart - please care for him like he's a member of your family." I think he got the message is what I told myself as I cried all the way back home. I mean he did call you "son" when he asked you to put your seatbelt on, after all.

When you got home at lunch time, you had so much to tell me. You were so bummed to see that your best buddy's desk had been moved from directly across from you to all the way across the room!! What a disappointment for you - but you took it well and were great about it. You even found something positive to say about it, which made me so proud!

It sounded like your teacher packed a lot into the first day. You practiced spelling words, learned about the United States flag, learned about inches and telling time and adding and even practiced handwriting.

You told me you had so much fun and you think that first grade is going to be great. 

Soon we'll settle into a routine in the morning and afternoon and tackle homework and playtime and Hope time and everything else. The next eight years of school will be filled with challenges and fun and new experiences and some heartbreak, I'm sure. But you'll handle all of it. We'll keep reminding you to remember that you're a Leong - and you're strong and brave and kind and polite. But it will be you that will continue to show us who you really are. 

We're ready.

Congratulations, First Grader!!

We love you, Brian!

Love, Mommy.

One of the Best Days of my Life...

Dear Brian,

I hope you remember this special day forever. I know I will! Today, the two of us went to see The Lion King. To say I have been anticipating this day would be a giant understatement. I have been waiting for this day for most of my life!!!

I remember when Granny and Pop took me to my first show. It was "Annie" in Philadelphia. I was hooked! Over the years we went to many more shows together - in Philadelphia and New York. They will remain some of my favorite memories with my Mom and Dad. I always dreamed of the day when I would take my own child to his or her first show. I knew I would splurge for great seats so the first experience was amazing...and they'd be hooked, too.

So here we are - I'm finally a Mom with a child who is at an age to really enjoy a show. When the Lion King came to town, I jumped on it and got tickets right away. I planned a special date for just the two of us right between your Kindergarten graduation and your half birthday - two great things to celebrate! 

All week leading up to today I was like a little kid anticipating Christmas. You were excited, too! We had a tiny army here with Hope - Granny and your cousins, Shannon and Claire. This morning I overheard you talking to Hope telling her that we'd both be gone all day...that she should be a good girl and not climb...and that you'd miss her a lot. (So sweet!)

We got all dressed up and headed out after lunch. The whole way down into the city we chatted about Minecraft, friends, Disney movies, architecture, music...you name it! There was a lot of traffic so we had a lot of time. I loved it.

When we got to the Academy of Music, you were amazed. You really appreciate architecture (perhaps that is a sign of things to come!) and loved the ornate features in the theater - especially the huge chandelier. You were also really amazed when we kept walking closer and closer and closer to the front. We were third row, center!! 

The show was incredible (INCREDIBLE!) and you were mesmerized and well behaved and appreciative the entire time. 

You held my hand when you saw me crying a few times and leaned into me with giggles during the funny parts. I was so excited that you loved it so much - the whole experience! I had never seen The Lion King before (except the movie) and I was so happy that we were seeing it for the first time together. 

Brian, I can't express enough how much I love spending time with you. I really do! You are sweet and funny, thoughtful and silly, sentimental and loving. As we made the long, slow walk out of the theater in a sea of people all around us... I felt a soft kiss on my hand that you were holding. As I looked down, you were then holding that hand against your cheek. I could have cried right there. Oh wait - I did. You are just so, so sweet.

Our plan was to walk around the city and find a place to have dinner - really as a way to let the rush hour traffic settle down before we headed home. But you had a different idea. You told me that you thought we should head home so we could eat dinner there. You were worried that Hope was missing us - and that maybe Daddy felt left out. We grabbed some fun snacks for the drive home and enjoyed another long drive talking about the show, the city and how many cars and people there were, more architecture and Gavin. We both agreed that Gavin would have loved the music in the show.

As soon as we got home, you couldn't wait to show Daddy your program and tell him about the show...

And you were so happy to see your sister. The feeling was mutual! 

I taped part of our silly bedtime conversation tonight. Mostly so you could one day listen to me say, once again, that this was one of the best days of my life. 

I adore you, Brian Leong! I can't wait for our next show. (As long as it's close by, right? Ha ha!)

Love,

mommy.