That's Just How I Am...

We had a bit of a scare yesterday with Gavin.  He loves to shake his sippy cup, which we are trying to discourage as he ends up spraying milk all over the place.  So a month or so ago we gave him a little water jug with a handle to play with and shake while he's drinking.  It's a plastic water bottle with a pull up spout.  He loves to shake it to watch the water slosh around.  Gavin is fascinated...mesmerized...in love with water.  It definitely solved the spraying milk problem and all was well.

Until yesterday.

I was sitting right next to him and we had just finished a meal.  Gavin was drinking his milk and shaking his water jug when suddenly he put his head down on the table.  He wouldn't let me lift him up to look at him... and then he started to cry.  The kind of cry that tells me something is very wrong.  I picked him up and carried him to the floor and I realized what happened.

My worst fear.

Gavin poked himself in the eye.  

I could see the white of his eye turning red and I yelled for Ed.  If you are new and don't know why I would freak about something like this... read THIS entry for an explanation.  Gavin had a corneal abrasion over a year ago that was so severe that he nearly lost his eye.  I am very over-protective about his eyes.  It doesn't help that this little boy sleeps with his eyes open, so he's especially vulnerable at night.  To this day, we put eye lubricant in before he goes to bed - just to keep his eyes moist while he's sleeping.  As a side note, he inherited this odd feature from his Daddy.  When Ed and I got married and were sharing the same bed, I remember talking and talking to him for hours as we laid there.  I thought, "Gosh, he is the BEST listener!!"  And then.... I figured out the truth.  

Anyway... I nearly took Gavin to see his eye doctor at duPont yesterday for an emergency visit.  But he calmed himself down and was fine for the rest of the day.  But today, Sara reported that he was fussy at school.  And when he came home, he was just "off."  When dinner time rolled around and I saw his eye getting red again, I called the hospital.  If it's still looking bad tomorrow and he's still acting "off" they want me to bring him in.  You can see what looks like a fine hair or a fuzzy stuck to his eyeball and you want him to blink it out - but I think that's actually a scratch.  The doctor said it should heal on its own and to keep it lubricated like we have been, but boy am I getting post traumatic stress just thinking about this again.  What we went through with his eye trauma before was no joke.  We had to put ointment in his eye every two hours around the clock... at times it was sutured shut with a shoelace stitch, so I had to unlace it to put the ointment in and then lace it back up... need I say more?  It was awful.

So I panicked yesterday.  I didn't show it - but I was panicking.  That's just how I am.  Can you blame me?

I got a question from a reader about the "Mercury Theory."  She wanted to know if I really, truly felt that all of Gavin's issues stem from mercury and if I am a little bit 'cuckoo' for talking to a medium and having Gavin take supplements.

Fair question.

So, yes.  I am a bit cuckoo.  I think, in fairness, that's already been established over and over.  Like... every day.  I'm 42 and I excessively use puffy hearts on facebook status updates and comments.  I can't help myself... because, like I said, I'm cuckoo.

But, as far as the mercury... no.  I don't believe that this is the sole reason for Gavin's issues.  Do I believe that it's part of it?  Yes.  I absolutely do - and I look forward to seeing changes in him as I combine the slow detox with his sessions with Dr. Trish.  I believe it because I've experienced mercury issues in my own body.  I was mysteriously ill - had my mercury fillings removed - I got better.  I know there's something to it.  But I don't believe that it explains everything for Gavin.  However, using the supplements - especially the very small amount - and making changes to his diet is something that won't hurt Gavin.  Ed and I have always maintained that we will be open and willing to try anything to help our sweet boy as long as it doesn't harm him in any way.  I will still be taking him for further testing and I am counting down the months (and years) until he's eligible to get into the Undiagnosed Diseases Program at the NIH.  

Yes.  Cuckoo.  I am overprotective of... and over the moon for... and overwhelmingly determined to help Gavin.

That's just how I am.

**p.s. - if you're wondering the outcome of the Parents Magazine Blog Competition, I did not win.  The "Best Blog" was "Single Dad Laughing" and it was well deserved!  I absolutely feel like the winner, though. The amount of exposure and help I've received because of that competition is something I probably couldn't have done on my own. Thank you to all who voted for me!  It meant so much to have your support and validation.**

Mortified Mommy...

Last night before I went to bed I went in to check on the boys, as I always do. But I also wanted to take Gavin out of his crib to check his eye. It was red - very red - when I put him down and I was very, very worried. The eye surgeon has told me, essentially, to 'not get too comfortable' with his healed eye. It will remain fragile - to dry air, to slight abrasions - and could tear again. I really feared last night that "it" had happened. At 10pm - still red. At 2:30 - still red. I generously applied ointment to the eye both times.

I barely slept I was so anxious.

Then this morning, before 8am, I walked into his room holding my breath. I peered over his crib and saw him looking down at his book. I called his name and he slowly lifted his head up smiling from ear to ear. Soon I was, too, when I saw the WHITES of his eyes!! I've never been so relieved.

If you look closely at his left eye in this photo - you can see a haze which is the scar from his awful corneal abrasion last year. I took the picture with the light hitting his eye so the haze showed up...but it is pretty hard to see in real life. You wouldn't know unless I told you it was there.

After breakfast the four of us headed to a local outlet mall. I was on a mission to find some onesie snap shirts for Gavin - which are getting harder and harder to find as he grows. We discovered today that "Osh Kosh", a store we normally don't shop in, runs big. So a 24month size shirt is the size of a 2T in Carter's - which is perfect for Gavin! Score!!

Then we headed to Stride Rite. I wanted to get Brian a new pair of shoes as his sneakers are getting a little tight. Uh...turns out "little tight" is a "BIG" understatement. Boy was I mortified when the woman measured his feet and the 6 1/2 size I was shopping for should have been an 8 1/2 WIDE! WHAT???? I feel just awful that I was stuffing his cute fat feet into shoes that were SO small for him! In my defense, they went on easily - even with my arthritic hands - so I really thought they still fit! Poor Brian. He came home with two cool new pair of boats today, though, so all is well. 8 1/2 wide. Wow.

The rest of the day was spent putzing. The boys and I went for a long walk - Brian pointed out every neighbors scarecrow, pumpkin and ghost and kicked his way through all of their leaves. Ed was busy in the kitchen today making a TON of yams for me, which was very nice. Gavin was really interested in the process today - which was cracking us up. He wanted in on the action!

Tomorrow's a big day! Our neighborhood has a little Halloween event for the kids in one of the cul-de-sacs. I'm excited to catch up with many of our neighbors. And I can't wait to reveal Gavin and Brian's costumes to all of you! The costumes were inspired by a favorite book in our house. I guess you'll just have to wait and see!

Nothing Lasts Forever...

Ed is on vacation for the next two weeks and spent his first day off going to the hospital with Gavin and me! It's been three weeks since Gavin's eye was checked. We've come a long way since January. For a while we were at the hospital nearly every day....and each visit was traumatic as we pinned Gavin down while he screamed in pain and fear. I don't like to replay those memories very often.

Now it's a different scene. We stroll into the hospital smiling...waving to friends at the reception desk, in the surgery department...in Ophthalmology.

Gavin giggles when he sees Dr. Lehman.

There's no need to pin him down anymore - she lets him stay in his stroller and gives him the chance to cooperate. She knows the toys he likes to focus on so she can examine him. It's almost, dare I say, a pleasant visit.

Gavin is now down to only two ointment applications a day in his left eye. Once in the morning and once at bedtime! And our next appointment is not until the end of July!

Yes, we have come a long way alright. It just goes to show you -nothing lasts forever. In those days that we feared he would lose his eye...when I was doing ointment every two hours around the clock...when we faced surgery after surgery to have his eye sewn shut...it all seemed overwhelming. It felt like it would never end - or it would end badly. I kept reminding myself that we'd actually been through worse as a family...and got through it. We would get through this...and we did. Next time you're faced with something that seems insurmountable - remember Gavin and know...nothing lasts forever. There's an end point to everything. Gavin's was a happy ending, thank God. One where he could keep both of his eyes.

Just look at these gorgeous blue eyes...

It's a good lesson for me during this infertility struggle. I have been battling the blues lately wondering why it has been so difficult for me to conceive this third child. It's hard for me to believe that we've been trying since Brian was six months old. Each night I have been injecting myself with a drug called Folllistim.

The needle goes into the top of my thigh - rotating legs each night. I'm okay with the injection - but the side effects are a bummer. It makes me feel pretty nauseous and tired. The hope is that this medicine helps to produce egg follicles...essentially giving us more "targets to shoot at" if you know what I mean! My eggs are 41, after all. They need all the help they can get! I continue with the injections until I go back to the office on Wednesday to check my progress. Hopefully my "end point" to this long struggle will be a little baby sister or brother for the boys.

Now THAT would be a happy ending...