IT HAPPENED!!!!!....

Big news in our house today!

HOPE SMILED!!!!

And not only did she smile for the first time.  But she smiled for the FIRST TIME for her big brother, BRIAN!!!  I'm so happy for him.  This was the perfect scenario - for her to save her first smile for him.  He was so excited and has been beaming about it this afternoon.

There's really not much I can write about this momentous occasion, so I'll let the photos show the story.  I'm so happy that I just happened to be taking pictures of the two of them when it happened.  Although I'm sure that was no coincidence.  What a spirit lifter this was for me today.

Hope smiled... and here's how it went down:

Here it comes... wait for it...

THERE IT IS!!!!!!

And again!!!!

You can see that twinkle in her eye.

I wish you a smile that comes easy, Hope... for the rest of your life.

*** Gavin's Birthday Project update!  Brian, Hope and I went to the bank this afternoon and came home with grateful hearts and three checks.  The Gift of Life Family House, DuPont Hospital's Child Life Department and the Chester County Intermediate Unit (Gavin's Trust Project) will each receive a check for $1,232.10 thanks to those who donated to Gavin's Birthday Project!  I know each of these organizations will put the money to good use.  And I was grateful for yet another opportunity to model for Brian the importance of giving to others.  At his age, he may not fully grasp the incredible and far reaching effects of his brither's life and death  - and the way it has inspired so much good in so many.  But I hope one day he will feel overwhelmed as he realizes how much was accomplished and how lives were changed all because of love.

Because we knew you, Gavin... we have been changed for good.  Happy (Belated!) Sixth Birthday!  We love you.  We miss you.  And now we'll see you in your sister's smiles.***

Gavin's Birthday Project - The Not So Grand Finale...

As Gavin's sixth birthday was approaching this past September, Ed and I struggled with how we should "celebrate."  One of the ways we decided to mark the day was to "re-do" the children's waiting room in the Paoli Hospital Emergency Room.  The same emergency room we took him to the day he had his febrile seizure that ultimately led to his death.

After getting approval from the hospital... and deciding what I wanted to purchase... I opened it up to all of you in the event you wanted to participate.  And boy, did you.  I started a "Go Fund Me" page with an end goal of $1,000.  Ed and I donated $600 - and a thousand dollars more could purchase everything I had chosen.  Very quickly, the goal was surpassed.  I wasn't sure what to do - so, once again, I opened it up to all of you.  The overwhelming majority decided that they wanted me to keep it open so they could continue to donate.  You suggested that I get better toys - bigger toys - more toys - you just wanted to keep giving.  I set a date to close the project and, in the end, I had so much excess money.

I purchased all of the toys and furniture for $2, 320.96.  

The amount raised was $7, 444.00.  I didn't realize that Go Fund Me took such a large fee so I was bummed when $6,017.26 was the check I received from them after they took their "cut."  That means that $3,696.30 is what is left over.  You were extremely generous... and we were so grateful.

I was so excited about this project for several reasons.  For one, it was truly inspired by Brian - who was left in that waiting room on one of the worst days of his life.  I involved him heavily in the whole process - choosing the toys, helping me assemble them when they arrived at our house and I really pumped him up for the big day when we would help put the toys in the room.  Two - Gavin was born in this hospital. He spent a month in their NICU.  And his heart stopped beating in their emergency room on April 10th, 2012.  Doing something so fun and joyful in his honor was a big step towards healing my heart.  I had to make something positive out of this extremely negative situation.  Focusing on every aspect of this project - from choosing the toys and knowing just where they would go in the room... to having all the toys delivered to me so I could take the burden of inspecting and assembling them off of the hospital... to looking forward to the big day when we would be there as a family to help place everything and see all of our hard work after the end of this long, emotional journey.

Unfortunately, nothing went the way I had hoped... or planned.  Some of the things I told you were going to happen - didn't.  Some of the ways that I told you that things were going to be done - weren't.  And the entire process took way longer than I ever expected.  There was one toy that was backordered - and I didn't receive it until November.  I had wanted the room completed by Gavin's birthday in September.  While I waited and waited - I didn't know how to update you anymore.  Every update would have been "still waiting!"

The good news?  It's done.  (kind of)  The mission of providing the hospital with a waiting room filled with new, bright, fun toys has been accomplished.  My personal mission of having "ocean themed" toys - including a sand/magnet table that has sand from under "Gavin's Pier" in Ocean City, New Jersey has been accomplished.  Here are some before and after shots of the waiting room...  

Before

After

Before

Before

After

Before

After

Before

After 

At the end of the day - it's done.  And part of me wants to say, "All's well that ends well!"

But I can't.

I am not looking to publicly shame anyone, so I'm not going to get into the details of what I experienced on the journey to complete Gavin's Birthday Project or name any names.  It has a lot to do with how I was treated and talked to.  But I will tell you one small part.

As I said, I had all the toys and furniture delivered to our home.  The large boxes, furniture and assembled toys were in our living and dining room.  As we waited and waited for the backordered piece that would complete the sand/magnet table, I was getting closer to my due date.  I was anxious to get everything out of our house to make room for baby things.  My first idea was to deliver everything BUT the sand/magnet table - basically complete the room as a family and then bring the table over when it arrived.  But I was told it was a busy time for facilities and they needed more notice.  So I was told that we could drop everything off (as a favor to us so we could get it out of our house) - but we would need to give an exact day and time we were showing up.  We were told to drive around the back of the hospital to the loading dock and facilities would be there to unload our car.  They would store everything until the day that we were both ready to do the install.  We chose the next day at three for our "show up" time.  I taped sheets of paper to every single item and wrote in sharpie pen what it was for... and to please contact the Leong family before installing in the waiting room.  And I added two phone numbers to reach us.

We showed up.  We had our two cars packed with all of the furniture, toys and boxes.

We showed up.  But there was no one there.  

We waited and waited.  We saw someone walking out that looked like they were with facilities... and they had no idea who we were or what we were talking about.  And the woman that I'd been working with all along - that told us to give an exact day and time - was gone for Thanksgiving.  I was so upset.  They finally decided that they would just unload everything and place it in her office.

I ended up in Labor and Delivery that night.  My blood pressure was very high (shocker) - and my OB kept me over Thanksgiving.  And we all know that just days later I was back in Labor and Delivery - this time to actually deliver Hope.  November 30th.

After Hope was born, I didn't pursue the issue right away... and I figured that if they were ready to install, they would call.  Of course they would call - it was the plan all along for us to be there!

I was wrong.

When I got an email last week from someone who generously donated to this project - pointing out that she donated in August for Gavin's birthday in September and it was now January and nothing has happened - and was threatening to call her credit card company to report fraud... I freaked.  I can't say I could blame her - she wanted to know that her money went to what I promised it would go to.  All of you trusted me with your money - and I took that very seriously.  I knew I needed to give you an update - and show this project completed - so I called my contact at the hospital to tell her that we were ready to come over for the install.

When I got the call back - she told me that they went ahead and put everything in the room before Christmas.

Before CHRISTMAS.

I was heartbroken.

heartbroken.

I was so involved in every aspect of this project - as was Brian.  The whole process was a build up to the grand finale of the install.  The idea that they did it all without us - despite my clear communication all along, including notes on every single item - in sharpie pen - crushed me.  The fact that people have been in and out of that room and we hadn't even seen it - devastated me.  

 Things were placed wrong (like the big fish mirrors that are supposed to be low so KIDS can see themselves in them) which totally bums me out.  And there's a furniture set that they still haven't put in the room.

I feel humiliated.  I feel deflated.  I feel a bit angry at how I was treated.  I feel embarrassed that promises I made to you were then broken by them.  I will never do a project like this again.  What was meant to help heal my heart made me feel worse.  I decided to skip the "promotional tour" and have no desire to be in photos for the hospital newsletter or website or anything.  It was never about that anyway.  We chose, instead, to contact the doctor that took care of Gavin on that awful day in April.  Dr. Stuart Brilliant.  He was responsible for - basically - saving Gavin's life.  He stabilized him so he could get on the helicopter to DuPont - which meant that we had more time with him before we had to say goodbye four days later.  And the nurse manager who helped us, Bernadette Weiss, who was a calming presence to me.  We were happy to see them this afternoon... and introduce them to Hope.  

I was able to spin the story to Brian so he wasn't disappointed about missing the install day.  But having to do that at all was not fun - it added more stress to my life.  The two of us had been on this journey together and I really built him up for that big day.  But today he was fine - and enjoyed playing with the toys.  He's happy that other children who are "left waiting" will have fun things to play with.  

After my experience over the last several months, I don't feel comfortable leaving the excess money we have with the hospital.  I'm not entirely pleased with some of the decisions they've made throughout this process - so why should I assume our money would be used in the way we asked?

So - I'm coming back to you.  You were the ones who donated so generously and you deserve to be a part of this decision.  I want you to decide where the excess money should go - we have three places that are a big part of our lives to choose from.  If you can vote in the poll (you can only vote once) - I will let the majority rule.  I will close this poll on Monday, January 13 at 3pm.

Here are the choices.  You can click any of them to learn more about why they are important to us - and then make your choice in the poll at the bottom of this journal entry:

1.  Gavin's Trust Project

2.  DuPont Hospital's Child Life Department

3.  Gift of Life Family House

Thank you for participating in Gavin's Birthday Project.  I hate to say this - and I hate feeling this way - but I'm truly just happy that it's over.  The Grand Finale was not so grand at all.  (p.s. - It was brought to my attention today that someone called the hospital to speak to the person in charge "on my behalf."  Please - I beg of you - do NOT do this.  No one needs to speak to anyone on my behalf.  Doing this behind my back feels very violating - and is really overstepping a boundary.  I know you want to "fix" this - but please let me handle it.  Thank you!!!)

Where should the excess money go?
	Gavin's Trust Project
	DuPont Hospital's Child Life Department
	Gift of Life Family House
	Split between all three!
pollcode.com free polls

Thank You, Readers!!...

I am so, so happy to share an update with all of you on what's been happening because of Gavin's Trust Project.  Because of you - and your $5.00, $25.00, $100.00 and even $1,000 donations - so many children, teachers and families have been helped.  I know how grateful we were when we were lent different equipment and toys to trial with Gavin.  And we were fortunate to be able to purchase many things on our own.  But, as you know, this is not always possible for families.  And special education teachers and therapists shouldn't have to beg, borrow and duct tape to get what they need for their "kids."  Every donation, big or small, from you - and even some of the companies you work for - has made a HUGE difference.  Here is an email I received from Deb Hiller from the Chester County Intermediate Unit.  She is in charge of the purchases made with the Trust Project money and was able to open and "furnish" (in more ways than one!) several classrooms in our area.  In our time of grief after losing Gavin, this project has meant so much to us.  As Gavin's Mommy, my personal motto was that I aimed to make "the impossible... possible" for my little boy.  To feel like we're continuing to make seemingly impossible things possible for kids like him brings us much comfort.

Thank you.

Kate,

Oh my have we been busy and so happy. Gavin's Trust has helped provide toys and switches to 4 different classes for students with physical and learning needs. We could not include the faces of the students, but they are from a variety of classes and students. Please see the attached pictures that include students utilizing voice output communicators to participate in school activities including ask for what they want, comment on an object, Say "hello", make a choice, play on a light board, ask for "more" and say '"all Done", make a caterpillar light up and play music, etc..

We have also developed a lending library (pictures of closets with toys and switches) to loan toys, low tech communication  devices and switches to the families of students we serve in that are too homebound Preschool Special Education students.

More pictures are coming soon.

Thank you for all your support of these precious children.

Deb

Not even shown is the furniture and swings and more that were purchased for the classrooms!  It's truly been unbelievable.

If you would like more information about Gavin's Trust Project - you can always look to the right side of this blog where you will find an explanation, where to mail a check or how to donate online.  You could also click HERE to read the original blog post with everything you need to know.

If you're wondering what's going on with "Gavin's Birthday Project" at the Paoli Emergency Room, I have an update on that, too!  (Note: we are no longer accepting donations for this!)

I had all the toys and furniture delivered to our home.  I wanted to open and assemble each one personally to make sure everything was A-Ok before delivering it.  Unfortunately, one pice of one toy arrived broken...and then it was on backorder...and I'm still waiting for that to be delivered.  As soon as that arrives, we will make the arrangements with the hospital to head over for the installation and unveiling of the new children's waiting room!!  We're very excited about this project - inspired by Brian - and are grateful to all of those who donated to make Gavin's Birthday Project become a reality.  Hopefully we'll make it over there with everything before Hope arrives!!

Thank you for everything you've done for our family.  Whether you've donated money... prayed for us... encouraged us... or even just read my journal entries so you could better know Gavin and our family... we could never have imagined, in a million years, this incredible outpouring.  We don't take it - or any of you - for granted.

Brian's Big Idea...

This morning, Brian and I headed to the Paoli Hospital and the two of us sat in the small children's waiting room so I could tell him the BIG news.  Watch this video to see how it went...

Brian is so excited about this project and feels so proud that it was "his idea."  He even said he can paint the room... if I lift him up because, "I'm a little bit little, Mama."  

The Emergency Room is thrilled that this is going to happen - and they are just as stunned as I am at the money that was so generously donated.  I am closing the donation site down at 8pm tomorrow night (Friday).  I do have to make some changes to some of the items that I originally chose  - some of the items, as it turns out, would take up too much space in the little room.  But the extra money will allow me to get bigger and better things - like a bigger wall panel that will add to my "ocean theme" in honor of Gavin's love of the ocean.  After a lot of thought and discussion with Ed, we have decided that any leftover money will be given to the hospital's fund development coordinator.  We will ask that it be earmarked specifically for that room.  If a toy breaks, they will have money to replace it.  If they want to purchase coloring kits (which they would have to keep behind the check in desk in order to monitor) they can use money for that.  Whatever they need for that little room, they should have the money to do it for quite some time, thanks to all of you.  Paoli isn't a pediatric hospital like DuPont is.  It's a local hospital that has a trauma level emergency room - and an amazing NICU where Gavin spent his first month.  The room is not like the Child Life Department at DuPont where they have tons of toys and a fish tank and people to staff it and lots of books.  It is just a small little room off of the main waiting room in the E.R.  But now, thanks to this Chasing Rainbows community, it is going to be a room that is larger than life... and filled with the spirit of my little boy.

After tomorrow night at 8pm, I am done.  There will be no more projects... except "Project Hope" who will require all of my attention come December.  While I appreciate all the emails and comments suggesting that I take my fundraising efforts nationally - or even globally - and help programs all over... and while I am flattered by your faith in me... I am done.  The things that happened - the "In Lieu of Flowers" charities... Gavin's Trust Project (which will remain open on my blog forever)... the Wish List Drive for the Gift of Life Family House... and this E.R. waiting room project for Gavin's Birthday are enough.  We had hoped to make a little difference in our community - especially with organizations that directly impacted Gavin and our family - and we did.  We had hoped to ensure that Gavin would have  a lasting, permanent legacy that was beyond this indelible electronic blog - and we did.  And now?  Mommy can rest.

I can't wait to show you the "before" and "after" pictures of this waiting room that WE - all of us - created.  Thank you.

Brian's first T-Ball practice was awesome.  He had SO much fun - even though he had no clue what was going on.  The majority of the kids seemed to know their sports - like what in the world a 'base' was.  Brian had no clue that he didn't know anything - he just had fun, and that's all that matters.  The two coaches that worked with him the most are a husband and wife team.  They are so patient and really know how to explain things on a four year old's level.  Brian kept throwing underhand, so he got some personal tutoring until...

...he almost-kinda got it.  Started off overhand and quickly switched to underhand.  But when he did a happy jumpy dance after he threw it... who cares?

His first time batting (outside of the backyard - we're not THAT bad) was pretty funny, too.

The first swing he hit it in the wrong direction...

But he quickly figured that one out!

Ed and I stood proudly on the sidelines and did a lot of giggling.  It's going to be a lot of fun watching Brian laugh and learn through this T-Ball season.  The "Pirates" first game is this Saturday!!

Thank you, as always, for loving our family.

And thank you to everyone on my Chasing Rainbows Facebook Page for your sweet comments as I post photo memories of Gavin during his birthday month.  It's bringing me a lot of comfort to find the photos... remember the story... and post them publicly.  Your enthusiasm means a lot to me.

Taking Back September...

Today is September 1st.  I have been quietly dreading this month - the month of Gavin's birthday.  As the summer went on and this month got closer and closer, it would bring me to tears just thinking about it.

 

But now it's here - September.  And I'm feeling a little bit ashamed of myself.

 

Why should I dread September?  Why would I mourn extra just because it's the month Gavin was born?

 

How am I honoring him by agonizing over my loss?  My feelings are the same as yesterday - nothing has changed.  I didn't magically wake up more depressed today, September 1st. 

 

I am sure, once his birthday rolls around at the end of the month, I will feel differently.  And that will be okay.  But for right now, I am making the choice to take back September.  After all, it was the month that gave me my first born son.  And it was also the month that Darcy was due.  This September 21st, she would have been three.

 

I have a lot of plans to keep myself busy and to feel like I'm proactively doing things to honor Gavin's birthday this month.

 

As you know, I created "Gavin's Birthday Project" to re-do the Paoli Hospital Children's Waiting room in the ER - inspired by Brian after he was left waiting on the day Gavin was brought in.  I am hoping to meet with some folks there this week to talk about what big changes we can make to that room in Gavin's memory with the extraordinary amount of money you've so generously donated.

 

Next weekend, our little family and some very special guests will be headed to the Gift of Life Family House to be "Home Cook Heroes" in Gavin's honor.  We'll be making and serving food to all of the guests in the house that evening - and some members of my family and friends will be able to see Gavin's guest room and the plaques that are on the wall there to memorialize him.  We're super grateful to Home Cooked in Paoli, Pennsylvania for generously providing the food we will serve - and even coming along to help us prepare it!!  (More on them next week!)  The guests of the Family House should be very grateful that I'm not attempting to feed them, let's just leave it at that.

 

Several weeks ago, I put flyers in every mailbox in our neighborhood asking our neighbors to participate in a "Wish List Drive" for the family house.  They run on donations and they keep their pantry stocked with all kinds of supplies, food, detergent, snacks, Ziploc containers and bags - you name it.  My neighbors have been coming through - there is a pile of donations in my dining room and some very generous checks as well.  We can't wait to bring everything with us to the Gift of Life Family House next week.  If you are interested in participating in my Wish List Drive, everyone is welcome!  Click HERE to find out what the needs are and where to deliver or ship your donations.  Be sure to write that it's in memory of Gavin!

 

And finally, I am bringing back my original birthday wish for Gavin's birthday.  If you remember, back on April 14th - my birthday... the day Gavin died... and the day I knew I was SHOCKINGLY pregnant with Hope - I wrote the following request:

 

Ed and I will be announcing our choices for "in lieu of flowers" donations to honor Gavin in a few days, but today is my birthday and this is all about me. I've come up with a special, totally FREE way to honor my sweet son who could inspire the most profound emotion without ever saying a word. I'm asking you to help someone... document it with words and or a photo... and place it on the Chasing Rainbows Facebook Page. Then be sure to check the page often to get inspired by the outpouring of love. Here are some great ideas for you... Find a special needs classroom in your community. These are usually low funded and always looking for donations. Perhaps you have toys your kids don't play with anymore that could be used in the classroom or during therapy. Random crayons that are laying around. I know we always needed rug gripper to place under Gavin's behind when he sat - that's a good need. Do you know a special needs Mom in your neighborhood? Church? School? Tell her you'd like to make dinner for her family. What night would work? Then tell her the only requirement is they have to give a "cheers toast" to Gavin during dinner. Help someone struggling to unload groceries into their car in the rain. Donate clothes to a women's shelter. Check with your local children's hospital for volunteer opportunities - even if it's just for two hours of your life. Save all of your magazines and bring a big stash to your local hospital. You have no idea how helpful that is to parents who spend days, weeks or months (as I did when Gavin was a baby) sitting in their child's hospital room. These are just some ideas... be creative! And think of Gavin when you do it. Share his story with the person you are blessing. Tell them that Gavin Leong changed the world with little acts of courage, determination and a sweet smile... without ever saying a word. And then ask them to pay it forward to honor his legacy. This would be the best birthday gift you could give me. There is no time frame - you could post something today or a year from now or five years from now. Thank you for helping me to honor my amazing little boy. And feel free to share this anywhere you want! 

 

 

The outpouring on my Facebook page, in my email, on this blog - from all over the world - was astonishing.  But there was one thing that I didn't expect - some people spent a lot of money on their random acts of kindness.  Don't get me wrong - that was awesome!  Every reported act of kindness meant the world to us.  But for this month - in honor of Gavin's birthday - I want every random act of kindness to be free.  Or very, very cheap.  Making dinner for a special needs family that you know?  That can be cheap!  Donating things you already own?  Free!!  There are so many things you can do.

 

So for all of you who have written to me and felt sad or embarrassed or bad in any way that you haven't been able to donate money to any of our charities or causes - first of all, please don't ever feel bad about that.  This is your chance to get on the Gavin love train and spread his happy, loving, peace-filled spirit all over.  I can't wait to read what you all come up with - and please do post it on the Chasing Rainbows Facebook Page so others can see and be inspired!!  I will also be posting a new photo or video along with a memory of Gavin every single day this month on my Chasing Rainbows Facebook page.

 

When I thought about what I would write in this blog post this morning - my thoughts were on the negative, sad side.  But as the day went on, something shifted.  I think it was when I decided to name this post "September" - but quickly checked to make sure I hadn't used that post title before.  I had.  And after I read the following, I knew I HAD to take back September... for Gavin.

 

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for caring about our little family.

"September"
Originally posted on September 4, 2011

September is an interesting month for me. It's a happy month because it's the beginning of my favorite season, Fall. And it's happy because it's the month I gave birth to my first son. But September also comes with a reminder...that it was during this month that my life changed forever.

I remember the September of 2007. I think I was the happiest I had been in a very long time. Pregnant with my first child...anticipating his arrival in October...and filled with hope and possibilities. I was finally realizing my dream of becoming a Mom...and wanted to be just like my own Mom. A seemingly impossible task, but I wanted to give it a try.

 

I remember the day he was born. We had had so many "false alarms" - so many trips to the hospital for early labor - so many injections in and out of the hospital to keep contractions at bay. I remember, vaguely, that Ed was washing the car...that I was inside on the phone explaining my most recent symptoms to my OB who told me that I needed to come to the hospital to be checked out right away. I remember Ed not panicking because, well, we had done this a thousand times. We packed a bag just in case. I remember being in a little room, the concerned face, my blood pressure was so high it was near stroke level. We were going to have Gavin right away.

Still filled with happiness and hope, Ed snapped this photo of me as I laid in the Operating Room.

 

My plans for a natural birth with the chosen soundtrack (including "I'm Coming Out" by Diana Ross because I'm weird like that) had become a C-Section. Gavin was not only breech - but he was sideways. And he was not only sideways, he was belly up. And he was not only belly up, he was in such a contorted and twisted position that his whole face was smashed up against my side. But I was not worried...no, not me. I was sure. SO sure that everything was going to be alright. Even when faced with a quick kiss and his being whisked off to the NICU so he could get breathing assistance, I was calm. I insisted very shortly after recovery that they wheel me in to see him. And even when I did, I remember being so positive. So positive that he'd be alright.

And before I knew it, September gave way to October. And his due date came and went. We sat in that NICU every single day for a month. My hope never wavered. I knew right then that I had to keep it together. I had to be his biggest believer. His most enthusiastic cheerleader.

His first year was so difficult. With each day - and each traumatic event - I was challenged. It was hard to keep it together at times...and very hard to stay positive. But anytime I felt sorry for myself...or anytime I felt weak...I would look to Gavin. I owed it to him to stay positive. I owed it to him. I recounted his first year in the first video I ever made...which I made for his birthday.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Every September I go through this story in my mind. And every September I thank God that He has carried me through this very difficult journey. And believe me when I say...every September I look to Gavin and know that I'm looking at a miracle. The progress he has made over the last almost FOUR years would make a stone weep.

It didn't take me long to realize that I was right that day in 2007...as I looked into the eyes of a concerned doctor...as I saw my son being rushed out of the room...as I laid there alone in recovery...I was right. Gavin IS alright. He really is.

And if I needed proof? Today as Ed and I unpacked groceries from the car - the boys were left alone in the playroom for a mere three minutes. I came in and couldn't find Gavin...anywhere! Soon I heard his "singing voice" and it was coming from UPSTAIRS! Gavin climbed the stairs by himself and was in our bathroom!! There are too many "greatest moments of my life" to recount...but this is definitely on that list.

And wouldn't it figure that it happened in September?

 

 

 

 

 

Tickles From Heaven...

It's been a long two days since my last post (which I'll get to in a moment).  I have had a terrible headache that won't go away (and still hasn't).  I really don't get headaches, so of course my first thought was - something is wrong with my pregnancy.  When the headache got worse today, I ended up at the hospital to get evaluated for Pre-Eclampsia.  Thankfully, my labs came back looking perfect (is that rude to brag like that?).  I still have the headache - and I really haven't had the luxury to lay in a dark, quiet room with a bag of peas on my head.  For the last two days I've had to answer Brian's ten million questions, beg him to watch yet another Scooby Doo, say no twenty times to playing outside... and get bossed around while painting and coloring and playing pirates and building houses.  I'm not complaining - I love playing with Brian - ok, I am complaining.  I would have rather been in bed all day.  But Ed is home now - and I am finally in bed.  And I likely won't leave until tomorrow night if I can swing it.

So far, this pregnancy has been my easiest.  Every ultrasound has looked picture perfect - there have been no worries or complications.  My blood pressure (which has been a problem in previous pregnancies and the big reason Gavin and Brian were born before their due dates) has been perfect.  I have the normal issues - sciatica, restless legs, heartburn and difficulty sleeping... but you won't hear me complain!  And it's getting harder, physically, for me to do strenuous activities.  You know, like getting up off the couch.  But when something comes up - like this headache - I panic.  I don't believe I could bear to lose another child.  I have said from the start that I plan to "believe this baby born" - but I still have this little cloud of anxiety that follows me everywhere.  Because I know that the worst can happen - and it can happen quickly like a sucker punch.  I know because I've lived it.  Twice.

But Hope is fine.  And I will live (in my bed... until tomorrow night).  She is proving to be a very considerate little girl, this Hope Margaret.  She moves ALL the time - just like her brother, Brian, who I nicknamed "monkey" during my pregnancy with him!  It's very reassuring to me to know that she's ok. Every movement - even if it wakes me - is like a hello from Heaven.  I just have this visual of Gavin constantly tickling her feet to get her to move because he knows it will bring me comfort. Silly, maybe, but it's something I love to visualize.

I want to thank ALL of you for receiving our project for Gavin's birthday with such enthusiasm and support.  I was so grateful for your lovely comments, your great suggestions and your overall excitement for our plan to re-do the children's waiting room in Paoli Hospital's emergency room in his memory... inspired, of course, by Brian.  As of this moment, the unbelievable total stands at $5, 955.00. I'm going to keep it open until next week for anyone who wants to donate, but I have to say - the generosity has blown us away.  EVERY donation to me is generous - from the $6.00 donations that were given to represent his sixth birthday to the $600.00 donation from a generous woman who had been waiting to do something extraordinary with some inheritance money she received.  Picturing each and every one of you taking the time to enter your information online and pull out a credit card and read those tiny numbers as you typed it all in - it makes me want to cry.  Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to care about our project... our son's memory... and our family.  I don't take any of this for granted and I promise you that I will keep you involved every step of the way as we transform this little room (with extra to spare!) for all of the children, like Brian, who are left waiting.

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.