He Chose Well...

Tomorrow will be one year from the day I wrote this...  

This morning I took a tour of a potential new preschool for Brian this Fall.  I was led down the little hallway to peek into their four classrooms.  The first classroom... butterflies all over the walls.  The second... butterflies hanging from the ceiling.  The third... butterflies on sticks.  The fourth... a clothesline with hanging butterflies.  And then we turned around and walked back down the hall - giving me a view of their little "prayer garden" through a wall of windows.  What was out there?  Hydrangeas... just like the ones we chose for Gavin's funeral... the ones that we will hopefully be planting soon in a memorial garden in our yard.

Looks like Gavin is the new advocate in the house.  He was clearly sending me a sign that this was the right school for his little brother.

It was part of a post about how advocating for Gavin was the hardest - and the most rewarding job I've ever had.  I'd love for you to read that post.  But it was also a post about the day I toured Brian's current pre-school.  St. Isaac Jogues in Wayne, PA.

I walked into that little school just 24 days after Gavin died.  I was grieving and newly pregnant and so, so worried about having to make yet another giant change in Brian's life.  Maybe it seems silly, but seeing the butterflies (we had butterflies at Gavin's funeral) in the classrooms... and the blue hydrangeas (which were all over Gavin's funeral) in the prayer garden surrounding the statue of Mary... it felt like Gavin made the choice for me.  I came home that night and told Ed about both and, with tears in his eyes, he said "Done.  Sign him up."

And so began our journey at St. Isaac Jogues.

As it turned out, the prayer garden was filled with flowers because the children had held their "May Procession" just days before.  They all placed flowers at the feet of the statue of Mary, the mother of God, as a way to honor her.

This year's May Procession was held today - and I knew that I had to be there.  A full circle moment for our family.  I went there broken and newly pregnant.  Brian arrived nervous, grieving and shy.

And today, I was there stronger - with Hope.  And Brian?  He thrived in this nurturing and exceptional little preschool.

He made friends and developed socially.

He received the same type of Catholic education that Ed and I grew up with, which was important to us.

As I watched him walk with his friends today during the May procession, I couldn't help but get choked up that his pre-school experience is coming to an end.  This school has done so much for Brian.  He has a new love for music thanks to a great music class they have and expressed an interest in having me teach him piano at home (which makes me so happy!).  They also have gym class.  Brian has cracked me up at home spontaneously "exercising" - and even doing Yoga poses!!  They often have after school "enrichments" until 3pm and, after much begging from Brian, I started to let him stay here and there.  Their enrichment programs were awesome!!  He learned gardening... they did science projects... he had a book club... arts and crafts... fun and fitness... and a "thank God it's at school and not at home" - the "ooey gooey" messy enrichment (a kid favorite!).  They cleaned up the school on Earth Day.  They had a Halloween parade.  The Easter Bunny came for their Easter party.  And I brought a very newborn Hope to the Christmas pageant.  Brian has learned a ton and has grown up so much this year.

One by one this afternoon, the children placed their flowers at Mary's feet - a blue hydrangea from Brian, of course...

...while I watched with Hope from the grass in the prayer garden.

I remember the first day I met Brian's teacher, Miss Kristen.  I nervously pulled her aside to tell her about Gavin.  I was unsure how Brian would handle Gavin's death in school - if he'd bring it up a lot, if other kids would bring it up, if talking about Gavin would upset him - I wasn't sure what to expect.  Kristen was so kind and understanding and I felt like she kept a compassionate eye on Brian all year.

She's been at St. Isaac Jogues for a long time and has such a great curriculum.  Brian was challenged, had fun and was excited to go to school every day.  The children are respectful and disciplined and you can tell that they really blossom under the structure that all of the teachers provide.  We're going to miss this school - until it's Hope's turn!  Brian graduates on May 21st.  We're lucky that many of his classmates will be going to the same Kindergarten as him in the Fall!

And I feel lucky, too.  I feel like I've made some lifelong friends with the pre-school Moms.  I'll be with many of them until Brian graduates 8th grade!  The entire St. Isaac Jogues community has been very supportive towards our family.  I can't say enough about this little school.  If you're in my area and looking for a pre-school, I'm happy to answer any questions about St. Isaac's!

Thank you, Gavin.  You chose well.

Energy Bars...

Hope still hates her car seat.  I think it will soon be time to give in and try a new one.  Maybe she'll hate the new one, too, but we won't know until we try.  It's painful when I'm the only adult in the car and can't climb back to sit next to her - to stroke her cheek or offer a binky or make her smile.  

This morning I thought we had turned a corner.  I put her in her seat to take Brian to school and, what?!?  She smiled!!  Then - silence.  The entire way there.  Brian and I noticed patches of grass peeking through the snow as we drove through the park and I said, "Spring is on the way!" and I felt hopeful.  Maybe she grew out of her utter disdain for this car seat.

Not so much.

On the way home, as I listened to her scream and scream and scream... I thought of Gavin.  

Gavin had such severe and painful reflux.  He also had low tone.  Very low tone.  As an infant, he constantly threw up in the car...which was painful.  But then, probably because of his tone, he would gag and choke.  Each time he did this, I would have to jump out of the car - open his door - pray he wasn't blue (sometimes he was blue) - and suction out his mouth.  I was an expert at ripping him out of his car seat at warp speed - even on the side of the road.  Often on the side of the road.  A 15 minute trip would take me 30 minutes.  If I had to take him for an appointment at the hospital an hour away...I would need to leave two hours ahead.  Sometimes it would happen as I was backing out of the driveway.  It was bad.  Every single time we got in the car it was bad.

But one thing I learned during that time?  That Gavin was very sensitive to my energy.  If I panicked - his stress would escalate.  I remembered this every time he had a painful procedure... every time he was working hard in therapy... every time he was hurt.  If I kept my energy bars even - in the middle - he would feel it.  I would always be in his face so he could look into my eyes and sense that I was calm.  And that it would be okay.

This lesson served me well the day Brian came to say goodbye to Gavin.  I felt strongly in my heart that Brian needed to have his own experience that day - the last day he would ever see his big brother.  I didn't want him to sense our fear - our devastation.  I didn't want us to push our agenda on his goodbye or make him do anything he didn't want to.  And I certainly didn't want to make him feel like he had to care for us or tend to our emotions.  It was not easy.

So I try to remember all of this when she is crying in the car seat?  It hurts my heart... yes.  And sometimes, I feel those energy bars creeping up to high when she screams. But I will myself to keep calm... and keep those energy bars right smack in the middle.

**********

I had a conference with Brian's teacher this afternoon!  She had handwriting and other "scored" papers to show me from the beginning of the year to now - and Brian has made so much progress in every area.  Writing his name, counting to high numbers, recognizing different shapes and listening.  I'm very proud of how he's blossomed socially.  He started the year pretty shy and his teacher remarked that he would get teary when he couldn't express what he was feeling (like frustration that someone was playing with a toy he wanted).  He's come a long way in that area.  I asked her if he ever mentioned Gavin as I was a little nervous that he'd chat about his brother dying and freak some of the other kids out.  She said that he's mentioned Gavin's name, but only that.  Then she told me something so sweet.  She thought it was around Christmas time when they might have been talking about the baby Jesus.  Brian blurted out...

Gavin died and went to Heaven - and then my Mommy got Hope.

Yep.  That is pretty accurate.

******

I got an update from the hospital this morning about the donations they received over the weekend!!  They had 13 donations in Gavin's memory towards the Abilities Playground - totaling $495.00!!  That's a great start and I am so grateful!  

They also were able to fix the page so our international friends can donate!  

I've been working hard (when I can!) on the fundraiser!  I really think it's going to be a GREAT evening.  I can't wait!

New Classmates and Teammates...

On Friday morning, Brian and I went to his new school for "Meet the Teacher!"  He was very excited.  We were told which classroom to go to and as we rounded the corner, we were greeted with this bulletin board...

 

Each star has the name of a child attending the preschool and it says, "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Stars.  We Wished For You And Here You Are!"  It took me a minute to swallow the lump in my throat.  Twinkle Twinkle was one of Gavin's favorite songs... and seeing it on that beautiful blue bulletin board was a sign to Brian and to me that he was there with us.  I don't think it's a coincidence that they chose that theme... just like I don't think it was an accident that when I went to visit the school as a prospect for Brian there were butterflies everywhere.  In every classroom and all over the bulletin board.  Gavin is all around us - always.

Brian met his new teacher, Miss Kristen, and she's very nice!  Brian has a stuffed dolphin at home in his (Gavin's) bed that reminds him of Gavin and the ocean.  Miss Kristen has the same, exact dolphin in her room and Brian noticed it right away.  (Right?!?  I know!!!!!  He's everywhere!)  He talked about it on the way home and I think it made him feel a special connection with his new teacher.

The classroom is adorable and very organized and bright.  We were happy to find out that one of our neighbor's little boy is in Brian's class!  There are eleven children - six boys and five girls.  After hanging out in the room for a while, the parents left for a meeting to go over the manual, activities, fees... the usual.  It gave the kids a chance to play and interact with each other and the teachers.  When I told Brian I was leaving for a while, he jumped up and took my hand and started walking with me.  I knew what he was doing, but the teacher and the aide both reminded him that he was going to stay in the room and that "Mommy will be back."  I smiled and told them, "Oh - he's fine!  He's just walking me to the door.  He's always the gentleman."  I'm so fortunate that neither of my children ever had stranger anxiety.  They were both very "go with the flow."

Brian's first official day is Monday and he's really looking forward to it.

Later that afternoon, the two of us took a trip to DuPont to get Brian's hearing checked.  He had a speech delay that has since resolved and I got him a hearing test about one and a half or two years ago - but he was so little.  And part of the hearing test is so subjective.  I thought it would be a good idea just to have it checked once more now that he's talking and better at following direction.  And, to be honest, it didn't hurt that it was at "Gavin's Hospital."

Just as suspected, Brian cooperated fully - and his hearing test was completely normal.

As a bonus, before we left we got to visit with two of our favorite people from the PICU that took care of Gavin!  One of his doctors, Dr. Viteri... and one of his nurses, Abbey.  Brian and I had a special snack in the cafeteria and he had fun on the playground before we headed back home.

This morning was Brian's first T-Ball game!  We got his uniform shirt and hat which he asked me to photograph him in.  I was happy to oblige, of course.

His team name is the "Pirates."

Before the game, he practiced with Ed to get warmed up.

It didn't seem like he was the biggest fan.  His team was in the outfield first and Brian was looking all around and picking things from the grass.  As they came in for their turn at bat, Brian ran right to me with a "flower" that he picked and said... "Are we done?"  Then the next inning in the outfield he came running in again... "Are we done?  I'm kind of hungry.  I'm kind of hot.  I'm kind of tired."

But batting was more fun and he proudly sat, my little number 3, to wait his turn.

And soon enough... he was up.

And this is how it (hilariously) went...

As Brian stood on first base, the little boy from the other team tapped Brian with his glove and said, "Nice hit."

And Brian, misunderstanding, thought he said "Sit."  So he did.  Right on first base.

He never totally got the hang of it - but there are many more practices and many more games.

And even if he doesn't get the hang of it - the most important thing was what he told us for the rest of the day.  "That was SO. MUCH. FUN."  (Could have fooled us, but okay!)

Brian is something else - and I love reporting the sweet things that he says.  He has such a compassionate heart.  Last night in bed, as we talked about his upcoming first day of school, Brian said out of the blue...

"Gavin should be starting school on Monday with me.  It's not fair.  It's not!!  They have school in Heaven, Mama, so it's okay.  Don't worry.  But we want him here, too."

And today.  We were in the Carter's store to pick up new pants for Brian.  I saw a shirt that said "Big Brother" and showed it to him.  When I told him what it said - and that he could wear a big brother shirt now because of Hope - he said... very dramatically... 

"Wait.  WHAT?????"

Then he hugged me and whispered in my ear...

"Thank you for Hope, Mommy.  Thank you for Hope."

And he gently kissed my cheek.

There might be some people that would view me as a very unlucky woman.  I promise you that is so far from the truth.