It's Your Turn to Fly...

Dear Brian,

Tomorrow is a big, big day.  Tomorrow is a big day for all of us, really.

Your first day of Kindergarten!!

From this moment on, life will change once again for our family.  This is one of those times when Mommy has to put aside her own anxieties and fears and remember that this is really YOUR moment.  

Yes, I'm going to worry incessantly about you while you're gone.  Yes, it is bittersweet that you are the same age that Gavin was when he died - and that he's not here to get excited for you.

But... this is about you.  So there are a few things we want you to know.

We are so proud of you.  Enormously proud.  

Today we had a "First Day of School" photo shoot.  Basically, we faked it.  It was fun and relaxing... which is why we did it the day before!  We want your first day to be fun and relaxing... and not stressful as we rush to try to get "just the right shot" to remember the moment.  

In ten years when you look at these pictures, will you really remember that they were taken the day before?  Oh... I guess you will since I'm writing it down.  Anyway... tomorrow morning we will have one less thing to think about and, for that, I am glad.

Brian, there is a difference between school and life.  In school, you are taught a lesson and then given a test.

In life, you are given a test that teaches you a lesson.

Growing up with Gavin and developing a compassionate and helpful character... and then experiencing his tragic death and all the grief that came with that... they are some heavy tests for someone to have before their fifth birthday.  But because of that journey, you learned invaluable lessons that will never leave you.

Sure - you will learn so much from teachers and books and the school experience.  But Brian, your Dad and I want you to know that it is your character that will bring you the most important personal success in your life.

You are such a special little boy.  I'm sorry - BIG boy.  You're wise beyond your years... charming and persuasive... compassionate and friendly... protective and thoughtful... smart and curious... adventurous and obedient.  It has been so easy to raise you... and a privilege to love you.

I'll never forget the day you were placed into my arms.  Before that day, I had rarely (if ever!) left your big brother's side.  I was so nervous to leave him and stay in the hospital.  But I remember consciously making the decision to focus solely on you and trust that Gavin was in capable and loving hands (and he was with Daddy and Granny and Aunt Bean and our very first aide).  You and I spent four incredible days together in our hospital room - staring at each other, snuggling all day and getting to know each other.  They were four of the best days of my life - we forged a bond that is unbreakable.  You were a peaceful and calm baby - and so, so beautiful.

And so it is now that I find myself consciously making a decision again.  You and I have been attached at the hip - especially since Gavin died.  You were with me through almost all of my ultrasounds and appointments when I was carrying your sister.  And now that she's here, we are like "the three musketeers."  We do everything together!  

But now - it is your turn to fly.  And it's my time to trust that you will be in capable and loving hands.  

Tomorrow is your first day of Kindergarten.  

You will learn new things... make new friends... have new experiences... and develop new skills.  

You will have fun... and embrace a sense of discipline that will carry you through your many years in school - and beyond.  

And we will be excited to welcome our silly, happy boy home every day to hear about all of your adventures.  

Just remember one little thing if you feel nervous... or scared... or worried.  Remember all of those times that you stood by Gavin's side.

And know that by your side is where he'll be forever.  You're never alone.

We love you so much, Brian.

Enjoy your Kindergarten year!!

Love,

mommy.

A New Beginning...

It has been a long summer of mourning.  And muddling through.  If you're wondering, mothering while mourning is not for the faint of heart.  I'm not at all implying that I was good at it - not even close.  There were many days over this summer alone with Brian that I had to depend on my Scooby Doo survival skills.  And by that I mean... I let Brian watch a lot of Scooby Doo while I stared at the wall and reminded myself to breathe.

But the Summer is now turning into Fall.

And just as the Fall of 2007 promised us a new beginning as a family as we awaited Gavin's birth, this Fall promises us a different type of new beginning.

This beginning doesn't mean that anything is ending.  Our family will always include Gavin, Brian, Darcy... and soon, Hope.  Nothing is ending with this new beginning of ours...

...we're just beginning again in a new way.  And today was the first big step.  Brian's first day of school.

He was very excited to go.  And I was very excited to send him.  Not because I wanted to be away from him... but because he needed a new beginning, too.  He needed the consistency and routine that becomes a comfort to children.  He needed to be around other kids his age and not his Mommy all day.  It's only three hours a day, five days a week - but it's perfect.  I'm so, so happy for Brian.

Maybe you're thinking... "This is pretty dramatic for a "First Day of School" post."  And maybe it does seem that way.  But from where I sit - today symbolized so much more.

From this moment on, nothing will be the same.  Brian will be in school every day... Hope is around the corner... our family landscape is changing very quickly.  And just as it is with any change in our lives, we can either adapt and roll with it... or stay stuck and stubborn.  We owe it to Gavin and to his siblings to adapt.  That's the only choice for us and we make it with love.

This morning couldn't have gone better.  I dressed Brian in green - my favorite color and the color I think of when I think of new beginnings... fresh starts... hope.  He loved his backpack and his new pants that had pockets on the legs.  He couldn't wait to get into that school.

On the way over in the car he said...

"Mama - you can walk me to my classroom, okay?"

I replied...

"Buddy, I think the Moms and Dads have to drop the kids off outside, just like your old school!"

And he said...

"That's ok, Mom.  They'll understand.  It's a special day.  It will make you happy.  You can walk me to my classroom today and tomorrow you can drop me off."

How can you argue with that?

I followed him down the hall and watched him slowly creep up to his classroom.

He bravely inched his way to the door and peeked around the corner.

And then, he was confident.  He remembered what Miss Kristen told him - as soon as you come in, find your name on the apples and place it on the tree so everyone knows who is here today.  And with that, I kissed him goodbye.  (p.s. - his backpack looks humongous because it's stuffed with items he needed to bring in to leave in his cubby.  It's not really that big!!)

I came home and accomplished a LOT - even though my goal was to sit in silence and stare at the wall.  Once I was home, that seemed like a waste of time!  I couldn't wait to pick him up, though.  And when I did, he was so excited and happy.  He had a great morning.  The two of us went to Wegmans for lunch where I tried to get details from him about his day... to no avail.

Afterward, we celebrated his First Day of School by going to his (and Gavin's!) favorite place in town:  Arnold's Family Fun Center!

I'll let these pictures tell the story...

Here's to a new beginning...

The Wheels On The Bus...

Today was a very exciting day for everyone!!

Brian returned to school after his summer break and left looking so grown up and handsome...

When we got to school, it was very exciting to tell his teachers that he is wearing big boy underpants!  AND that he's 100% NOT allergic to peanuts anymore, too!

After a quick picture with one of his teachers, Miss Morgan, he gave me a huge hug and ran right into school. 

Shortly after I got home from dropping him off, we had a visit from Miss Stephanie - Gavin's "former" Occupational therapist!  She missed the party the other day so she came by today instead...and brought her beautiful children.  Elise is going to be four in a couple weeks - and Carter is two.  No surprise, they were the sweetest, most polite children.  And Gavin had a lot of fun with them in the playroom while I gave Stephanie her gifts!

The time flew by and before I knew it, I had to go pick up Brian!  Gavin, Miss Sara and I piled in the car to all get him together.  I was thrilled to hear that he stayed dry (I wasn't sure how he'd do with all the distractions at school!) and went to the bathroom by himself.  Woo Hoo!

We left school and headed to the Bus Depot.

We were there to meet Allison Erb, the wonderful Transportation Supervisor that arranged a school bus tour for us.  After talking with her on the phone a few times, I felt like I knew her.  She's just as sweet in person - and she and the safety coordinator went out of their way to make us feel comfortable.

So, if you ever wondered how a child in a wheelchair gets on and off a school bus, our beautiful model, Gavin, will demonstrate!  

Here is a video of him getting onto the bus...

 Brian had a great time seeing all the buses and sitting, for the first time, in a real school bus seat!

They showed us how Gavin's chair will be tied down.  The huge bolts and clips and heavy duty straps made me feel a lot more comfortable.  Then he wears a lap and shoulder belt on top of his seat belt and shoulder harness on his chair.  I'm pretty confident he's not going anywhere.

This video shows some of the tie downs...

Then he came off the bus!  Gavin was a big fan of going up and down on the chair lift...

And Brian was happy to meet his brother when he came down.  He had to be the one to pull his chair off the loading platform.  It was very sweet.

We are very grateful to Allison and her crew at Eagle Wolfington for accommodating us today!  Gavin, Miss Sara...and Mommy's heart...are all ready for the first day of school on Monday!

When we got home, there was one more surprise.  Brian's gift to celebrate his first day back to school!  I made him sit and close his eyes and wait for the big surprise.  Brian loves surprises - and takes it very seriously as you can see...

He got an Angry Bird spiral notebook!  Something to fill with stickers and drawings and letters and numbers.  My little, imaginative, potty trained school boy.

I can't believe I have two little school boys.