Snow Day Confessions...

I've been keeping a secret since November.  Something I learned from a few of you that wrote to me or left comments under a post really intrigued me.  I decided to do my own research which led me to the decision that I can now say was life changing.

I had my placenta turned into capsules and have been dutifully ingesting them since Hope was born.  Basically - I'm eating my placenta.

Are you still with me?

It was actually a very cool experience!  I found a woman in my area who came recommended and arranged for her to pick up the placenta from the hospital.  My O.B. was very supportive - he wasn't sure he believed it would really do anything, but he agreed with me that it couldn't hurt to try.  The placenta was set aside for me after the delivery - we brought a little cooler for it to be placed in (it was sealed up by the hospital) - and the woman we hired drove to the hospital late the night Hope was born to retrieve it.  Then, she delivered the capsules to our house the day after we came home!

I hear your question already.

"Why in the world would you eat your placenta?!?!?"

Well, it is believed that consuming the placenta has benefits like replenishing depleted iron levels, increasing your energy levels, increasing milk production (this has been proven!), helping to balance your hormones, assisting the uterus to return to its pre-pregnancy state, reducing post-natal bleeding and helping to make your post-partum experience happier all around.

I can honestly say - I believe it helped me with all of these things.  I suffered from post partum depression after the birth of Gavin and Brian.  It was really bad after Brian.  Like I told Ed when I brought up the idea of doing this placenta thing - if I can do something that may reduce the chances or even prevent post partum depression, I feel I have an obligation to try.  Let's face it - losing Gavin and discovering I was pregnant within milliseconds of each other definitely put me into the "high risk" category.  There was no way I was going to sink into depression after Hope - at least not without a fight.

Yes, I do know that I'm still at risk - post partum can strike months or even a year after birth.  But I feel like I'm past the critical stage.  Did the pills work?  Possibly.  Could it have been a "placebo effect?"  Possibly.  But who cares, really?  I truly felt that taking the capsules - which were just like taking a vitamin supplement! - helped me with my energy.  I felt great!  And Ed definitely noticed a difference in my mood from previous pregnancies.  

When the placenta capsules were dropped off, she also gave us something extra.  She told us that as soon as she started to work with my placenta, she noticed right away that there was a knot in the cord.  Something we hadn't even been told yet!  She took it upon herself to save that portion of the placenta and dry it so we could see it.  In this photo, you can see the knot at the top.

Looking at this is another reminder to me of what a miracle Hope is to our family.  I don't even like to think of what might have been if she had gone to full term.

I'll let you do your own research about placentophagy (the scientific term) - but you can count me as one that would recommend it to anyone.  It didn't seem or feel strange to me at all as I am a big fan of Eastern medicine... homeopathy... and other non-traditional practices.  Remember, we're the family that had a hyperbaric oxygen chamber in their living room and have been seeing an energy healer for years.  I believe in these things.  And I now am a true believer that eating my placenta got me through a period of time that had the potential to bring me down.  After the excitement of Hope's birth - I expected a big crash as everything started to sink in.  It never came.

So if you're wondering if I read your comments... care about what you have to say... look into some of your suggestions... the answer is "all of the above."  And to the readers that brought "Placenta Encapsulation" to my attention - something I had never even heard of until you - thank you.  You truly changed my life.  (And Ed thanks you, too.)

We're having yet another snowstorm in Pennsylvania!  This one brings back memories of another big storm when Gavin was three and Brian was two and the three of us enjoyed a snowy day in our pajamas.  As I aimed to balance Hope's needs with rousing games of Hungry Hungry Hippos... a SuperWhy board game... Pirates... Star Wars... and trains with Brian - I kept thinking about Gavin and that snowy day.  How I miss the two of them together.

But we had a fun day - despite the challenges that come with having a needy infant and a preschooler that wants to play with you every minute of the day.  When things got especially hairy, I declared that today was a dance party day!  And not just ANY dance party - a COSTUME themed dance party!!

The storm trooper (or clone trooper - or whatever the heck it is) was played convincingly by Brian Leong:

The sleeping ballerina was played brilliantly by Hope Leong:

And the "amazing" dancer in the video (ha ha to that one) that is dressed like a lady that longs for summer is played by me.

Are you snowed in?  Have a dance party!  And if you're brave enough - post the video on the Chasing Rainbows Facebook page so we can all see it.  I shouldn't be the only one humiliating myself around here.  Sheesh.

On The Eve of Our New Year...

Today is New Year's Eve.  

Like most families with a brand new infant, we partied like rock stars all night long.  Oh wait... that was Hope.  And that was last night.  She has her holiday dates mixed up.  It's a newborn thing.  The two of us were up much of the night and I practically slept walk through the morning.  It took us hours to get ourselves together to get out of the house.  You'd think we were total rookies at this baby thing!!

We finally made our way to our favorite deli, "Diane's Deli," to do something fun as a family to celebrate the New Year.

Our friends, Mike and Diane, made it quite special for us.  Not only did they surprise us with lunch "on the house" - but they treated Brian to something really special!  They took him into the kitchen to make a brownie sundae!  Then Diane helped him load it up with chocolate sauce and whipped cream.

It was his very first sundae and he loved it!

As usual, my heart is so torn.  

It doesn't feel right to celebrate a New Year without Gavin.

Yet it doesn't feel right to NOT celebrate a New Year with Hope!

So tonight - we celebrated our family.  It's different - but in a way, because of Gavin and all he left us, it's enhanced.  We love harder...we appreciate more...and we try to stress less about the little things.

We smiled today - and took pictures of each other in front of the tree...

...and, as a special New Year's Eve treat, Daddy joined our kitchen dance party for the first time!! Gavin loved our dance parties - and I know that he got a kick out of seeing Daddy bust a move tonight from Heaven.  I bet he was even dancing with us. 

We're going to dance our way into 2014.

We're going to remember Gavin and celebrate him every day.

And we're going to put our shoulders back and bravely journey into the Year of Hope.

(Come back tomorrow for a Chasing Rainbows "Year in Review!")

The Long Awaited Return...

The boys and I loved having nightly dance parties in the kitchen.  It was kind of our "thing."

Our last videotaped dance party was in February - just two months and one day before he died.

Since April, I haven't wanted to dance that much.  But I still asked Brian every now and then, "Want to have a dance party?"

He didn't.

But tonight... he said yes.  I think we both felt okay dancing.  Like it was time.  So me and my big belly went for it.  And we had fun.  (Keep in mind that the camera adds 60 pounds or so.  And no I'm not having triplets, thank you.)  

The long awaited return of the "dance party..."

We missed you in the kitchen, Gavin.  We miss you everywhere.  But mostly, I miss you in my arms.

Trying to Remember...

Dear Gavin,

I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.  Desperately.  The end.

Okay, that's not really the end - but it sums up how I've been feeling.

Life is obviously not the same at all with you gone.  But I'm trying hard, Bugaboo.  I'm trying to remember how to live - even when it seems unreasonable to move on without you.

Every day I wake up and remind myself, literally, that Brian needs me... and that I don't have any right, regardless of how I'm feeling, to let anything get in the way of being his Mommy.  That can't change - even though life changed.  I know you would want me to be the same Mommy I was before... and I'm trying hard to do that.  For Brian... AND for Hope.

Brian has been busy this week!  He has school (his last week in this school with Miss Laura!) in the morning and then a mini-gymnastics camp all afternoon.  He was so excited the first day.  I wasn't! The camp is from 1-4, which is a long time!  And parents aren't allowed to stay.  What's up with that?

But as I prepared to leave on that first day, Brian turned and gave me the "thumbs up" sign.  He's always making me laugh - just like he made you laugh.  I'm trying to remember to keep laughing... even when laughing seems unreasonable.

I have no idea what he does there.  Can't get much out of him except "I had fun!"  But each day he proclaims, "Mama - I'm so excited to go back to gymnastics again!"

Gavin, I know he's missing you too.  This was what he said to me the other night when I laid with him at bedtime:

"Mama?  I can't wait until Christmas.  I hope Santa brings me LOTS of toys!!  He won't bring toys for Gavin, though, because he died.  It's not fair that he died, Mama.  I loved him.  He was my friend.  Maybe Santa will bring toys to Gavin up in Heaven.

Mama?  I think Hope's gonna be cool."

I'm trying to remember how to dance through life, Gavin.  But that part has been a challenge.  There hasn't been a "nightly dance party" in the kitchen since you died.  Not one.  Every time I think about dancing, I remember this...

One day - I can't promise when - my goal is to get back to this...

I'm trying to remember how to put one foot in front of the other.  I'm trying to remember how to live in this house without you.  I'm trying to remember a lot...

...but I'll never forget every detail of you.

Love, Mommy.

"Held"

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held.

Just Dance...

Another busy day around here in the sick house. My concentration today was staying upright, taking care of renewing Gavin's medical assistance, preparing my every six month argument to keep some of his services, and - most importantly - coming up with an "emergency kit". Now that we've been through a 911 call - I saw how, even as a parent, it is easy to forget your own name in the chaos. I needed to come up with a plan...God forbid any of this happen again. I'm creating envelopes of information that I'll store near the phone. One for each of us. Copies of insurance cards, medical histories, blood types, etc. Gavin's will be especially important. If we're not here, it would be important for paramedics and emergency room personnel to know unique things about him - like that he rarely makes eye contact. That's normal for him. I wouldn't want them to mistake that for something else. It was amazing the questions they asked so I want to be sure that whoever is here has the answers. God forbid.

I also made another call to 911 - last night. I think I took them off guard when I said I was calling to thank the gentleman I spoke to. I was given to the supervisor who said he would relay the message. When I sheepishly asked if he could also relay an apology from me...for yelling at him a couple times "WHERE IS THAT AMBULANCE???", the supervisor said not to worry. They are very used to panicked parents and he was sure it didn't bother him one bit.

Gavin is still sick today - coughing, runny nose and pretty lethargic. Brian's nose is still runny, but he's feeling the best out of the three of us! And me? I feel like crap. Almost like I have the flu. I was a bit of a zombie today, but the show must go on around here! And not much will keep me from our nightly dance party. Many of you will wonder (appropriately) if I am mortified to show this video of tonight's dance party. If I have no shame. This is not how I typically dance...you know, at weddings and on table tops. This is better - I really practiced this routine. Whatever - it cheered me up today. It cheers me up every time. It's a great reminder as I hear the giggles around my legs - to just dance. Even when you feel like you can't.

Scratch that.

Especially when you feel like you can't.

Enjoy the weekend. I'm taking the next few days to rest my mind. I'll be back on Monday!