So, Here's The Thing...

Today is the first day of April.  April is a month that has a potential to be depressing.  As you know, it was April of 2013 when we lost Gavin.

But here's the thing.  I don't play that way.  April is a month - and a month can't have power over me.  I won't let the fact that something bad - tragic, actually - happened during April of one year destroy that month entirely for the rest of my life.  Do you know that some pretty awesome things happened in April?  My Grandfather was born.  My Dad was born!  I was born!  My oldest niece, Emily, was born and made me an Aunt for the first time!  And I had a photo taken of me on my 40th birthday in 2010 with my boys - and my belly.  I was pregnant with Darcy Claire.  And... April 14th was the day that I realized I was pregnant with Hope.

But then my beautiful son died.  In April.  On my birthday.

April definitely has potential to be a pretty lousy month.  But why?  I don't miss Gavin less in March!  I won't miss him less in May.  My level of grief is consistent all year long - every single minute of every single day - and it will remain that way for the rest of my life.

But here's the thing.  My level of grief can't have power over me, either.  It just can't.  Sometimes people just shut down around certain difficult anniversaries... or holidays... or random days.  I am SURE you have at least one person in your life like this.  Ever know anyone who is just miserable over the Christmas holiday?  Or acts out around anniversaries?  I have several people in my life like this.  It makes things uncomfortable... awkward... unfair, even, for those around them.

I am determined to not do those things.  It's not fair to me.  It's not fair to my husband.  It's not fair to my children or my family members or my friends.

But here's the thing.  Sometimes I would love to act out.  And you know what? People around me would understand.  They would offer me grace because, after all, I lost a child.  Two, actually. I could "deserve" to be unhappy forever.  It would be very tempting to use death as a "crutch" and retreat into myself and forget everything and everyone. So I have to make a choice... every day... to choose life.  To choose joy.  To choose love.  To choose Brian and Hope and Ed. Because they are alive.  I am alive.

Like most things in life... it's a choice.  Some days the choice is easy.  Some days I have an argument with myself in the mirror and have to force myself to make the choice.

This April, I am choosing to honor Gavin by choosing joy.  I am choosing to allow Brian and Hope to see Gavin's light in my eyes.  

I am choosing to love their Father and give him the grace to grieve his son the way that works for him. Ed is such a great Dad.  

We have fun things planned for this month!  I'm not planning a monster fundraiser like I did last year when I did "Gavin's Playground Party," but I do have something to announce soon!

Today we started off the month with a huge smile.  We went to visit the Easter Bunny!!  Brian and Hope really enjoy going to the mall.  It's pretty rare that we're there because I hate shopping!  So I suppose it's a treat for them - there's so much to see.  Brian looked so handsome in his dress shirt.

We slipped into the Nordstrom ladies room so we could put on Hope's dress.  I didn't want to stuff her and the dress in a car seat! I only iron once - let's be honest.  Ha!

I love her dress so much.  It was purchased at the Just Between Friends Consignment sale a few weeks ago!  It comes with a matching cardigan and it was my most expensive clothing purchase for $10.00!  I hope the person who sold it at the sale sees this.  I am so in love with this dress by Gymboree.

I wasn't sure how Hope would handle the bunny - she's been very shy lately with people, let alone big stuffed things that move around!  But this bunny was so happy looking and really fun.  He was dancing around and playing peek a boo - Hope was very into all of it and happily sat on his lap!

 Here's the obligatory $25.00 photo from the photographers...

We came home and Brian had his friend, Daniel over all afternoon.  We had a pizza party for dinner and warm chocolate chip cookies for dessert to celebrate the first day of Spring Break!  And we ended the day on the swings in the sunset.

It's going to be a great month.  

I will make it so.

Easter Time!...

The Bunny Came!

And God showed up, too!

It was a happy day at the Leong house.

Come on in....

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 The boys came down this morning to Easter baskets filled with toys and books.

Gavin received a cool toy that has a light up show when he presses a bar on the bottom.

And the Easter Bunny knew how much he LOVES the Fisher Price "Laugh and Learn" lady's voice and songs - and gave him a cell phone and a rolling puppy!  He was in Heaven.

Brian was more than happy to help his brother crack open his eggs.  Inside were coins for Gavin's piggy bank!!  The three of us raced up to Gavin's room to put the money in his bank.

Brian was excited with the toys in his basket...a helicopter, a telescope, Spider Man stickers and a sticker book.  But he was even MORE excited with the eggs in his basket that contained a few M&M's and Lifesavers!

Gavin wasn't interested in the scavenger hunt so Brian, being the great big brother he is, collected all the eggs in the playroom for both of them.

Inside each of the 20 eggs was one coin!  Brian was over the Easter Moon.

Yesterday, the boys got Easter gifts from Miss Sara and her parents that were - as usual - amazing and creative.  Brian got a pop up castle which has replaced our fort in the "book nook!"

A few days before Easter, a box arrived from our friend "Miss Barb" who often sends the boys books for their library.  A few of the books that she passed along I actually slipped into the boys Easter Basket stash.  One of which was called "Where Does God Live?" by Holly Bea.  

Once I read through this book alone, I knew it had a special place in Brian's basket.  All morning the three of us read books together - and Brian asked for this book twice.  We often casually talk about God and Heaven and angels together - especially at night.  Each night at bedtime he asks, "Want to lay on my bed for a little bit and look up at my stars, Mommy?"  And we do.  We lay on our backs...hold hands...and look up at the glowing stars on his ceiling. He tells me where everyone lives as he points up to the sky.  "Pop lives in that star... and Darcy is in that star..."

After reading the book one final time, I brought the boys upstairs for a short nap.  As I tucked Brian in he said, "Mama - is God dead like Pop?"  I quizzically replied, "Why do you ask that, Brian?"  He answered, "In the book it said that God lives in Heaven and you go to Heaven when you're dead."

What a perfect day to explain to my son how very alive his God is.  And how he lives everywhere... and in everything... and in everyone.

Happy Easter!!

p.s.... if you entered the Mattel "Save The Bunny" drawing, check this list to see if you're a winner!  I assume they would contact you - they didn't even tell me the winners were announced.  I have no idea who the winners are on the Chasing Rainbows Facebook Page giveaway - I haven't been told yet.  It was a rather anti-climactic ending... oh well.

AND THE WINNERS ARE...

Entry #10444Natasha

Entry #10479Erica C.

Entry #1411Debbie T.

Entry #8964Maureen L.

Entry #4352Krista g.

Entry #372Patti M.

Entry #8911Darwin C.

Entry #11597Jessica S.

Entry #5990Ava P.

Entry #8829Aimée R.

Entry #8622Michelle H.

A New Way to Make Easter Eggs!...

We had a big event happen today!

No, it wasn't our visit to the Easter Bunny, although that was a big moment.  Last year, Brian was terrified (can't say I blame him) and wanted nothing to do with the bunny.

And, no, the big event wasn't Brian's great coloring job that he brought to bribe the bunny (Can't say I blame him there, either.  I wish I had thought of that years ago.)

The big event?  Mommy created a craft project with the boys.

Me.  I'm the Mommy.  I know...I can hardly believe it myself.

We decided to decorate Easter eggs and I discovered a new way to make the eggs.  In the OVEN!

I saw this circulating on Facebook and had to investigate.  Turns out the idea came from the chef, Alton Brown.   You can find the "recipe" here.

It only took 30 minutes and it was much simpler than watching a pot of boiling water.  But the coolest thing about this?  It didn't smell like eggs were cooking in the kitchen.  It smelled like we were baking a cake!!  How cool is that?

The other new idea I wanted to try was dyeing eggs with shaving cream and food coloring.  We sprayed shaving cream onto a cookie sheet...

...and then dripped all the colors on top.

They suggested using a toothpick to swirl the colors through the shaving cream - and I didn't.  I gave Brian a large chopstick.  

In hindsight, I wish I had used the toothpick.  The shaving cream was a little over-stirred and it kind of looked like one big color blob.  In a test of "nature" vs "nurture" - "nature" won.  I've never let on that I don't care to get dirty or do messy things so as not to influence the kids.  But Brian has always been that way on his own!  He is always asking me to wipe his face or get stuff off of his hands.  This egg craft was entirely too messy for him.  The photo below?  Totally staged to show him "rolling the egg through the cream" - he barely wanted to touch it!!  So, the rest of the egg rolling was left to me.  And I had dyed fingers for the rest of the day.

In other news - I have NO idea if Gavin is really my child or not.  He was completely out of control playing in the shaving cream.  Let's just say clean up involved Q-Tips.

This is what the eggs looked like after being rolled in the shaving cream...

...and ten minutes later, I toweled the shaving cream off to reveal these...

I think they would have been a lot more vibrant and marbled if we hadn't over mixed with the big chopstick.  But that's okay - I'm feeling pretty confident that this was a one time event.  Thank God.

We also did the traditional "Paas" Easter egg dyeing kit.

Poor Gavin had to be restrained when anything was put in front of him.  He literally would just grab any of these cups and throw them.  Not a great idea when there's food coloring involved!

Both boys had a good time, though!

Brian asked me why we make Easter eggs and, to be honest, I wasn't sure where that tradition came from.  Even when I looked it up, it wasn't entirely clear.  So I told him that, just like Daddy, the Easter Bunny likes hard boiled eggs.  We decorate them because he loves to see our artwork.  And then, when the bunny comes to our house, he has something to eat before he leaves gifts in their baskets and hops onto the next house!

My explanation conveniently solves my dilemma of how long I'll have to stare at these eggs.  Now I know the Easter Bunny will devour them before we wake up on Sunday!  Score!!

If any one of you is learning about the egg baking or the shaving cream trick from ME - please tell me so I can have a good laugh.  Talk about an unlikely source!!