Chasing Rainbows: So, Here's The Thing...

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

So, Here's The Thing...

Today is the first day of April. April is a month that has a potential to be depressing. As you know, it was April of 2013 when we lost Gavin.

But here's the thing. I don't play that way. April is a month - and a month can't have power over me. I won't let the fact that something bad - tragic, actually - happened during April of one year destroy that month entirely for the rest of my life. Do you know that some pretty awesome things happened in April? My Grandfather was born. My Dad was born! I was born! My oldest niece, Emily, was born and made me an Aunt for the first time! And I had a photo taken of me on my 40th birthday in 2010 with my boys - and my belly. I was pregnant with Darcy Claire. And... April 14th was the day that I realized I was pregnant with Hope.

But then my beautiful son died. In April. On my birthday.

April definitely has potential to be a pretty lousy month. But why? I don't miss Gavin less in March! I won't miss him less in May. My level of grief is consistent all year long - every single minute of every single day - and it will remain that way for the rest of my life.

But here's the thing. My level of grief can't have power over me, either. It just can't. Sometimes people just shut down around certain difficult anniversaries... or holidays... or random days. I am SURE you have at least one person in your life like this. Ever know anyone who is just miserable over the Christmas holiday? Or acts out around anniversaries? I have several people in my life like this. It makes things uncomfortable... awkward... unfair, even, for those around them.

I am determined to not do those things. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to my husband. It's not fair to my children or my family members or my friends.

But here's the thing. Sometimes I would love to act out. And you know what? People around me would understand. They would offer me grace because, after all, I lost a child. Two, actually. I could "deserve" to be unhappy forever. It would be very tempting to use death as a "crutch" and retreat into myself and forget everything and everyone. So I have to make a choice... every day... to choose life. To choose joy. To choose love. To choose Brian and Hope and Ed. Because they are alive. I am alive.

Like most things in life... it's a choice. Some days the choice is easy. Some days I have an argument with myself in the mirror and have to force myself to make the choice.

This April, I am choosing to honor Gavin by choosing joy. I am choosing to allow Brian and Hope to see Gavin's light in my eyes.

I am choosing to love their Father and give him the grace to grieve his son the way that works for him. Ed is such a great Dad.

We have fun things planned for this month! I'm not planning a monster fundraiser like I did last year when I did "Gavin's Playground Party," but I do have something to announce soon!

Today we started off the month with a huge smile. We went to visit the Easter Bunny!! Brian and Hope really enjoy going to the mall. It's pretty rare that we're there because I hate shopping! So I suppose it's a treat for them - there's so much to see. Brian looked so handsome in his dress shirt.

We slipped into the Nordstrom ladies room so we could put on Hope's dress. I didn't want to stuff her and the dress in a car seat! I only iron once - let's be honest. Ha!

I love her dress so much. It was purchased at the Just Between Friends Consignment sale a few weeks ago! It comes with a matching cardigan and it was my most expensive clothing purchase for $10.00! I hope the person who sold it at the sale sees this. I am so in love with this dress by Gymboree.

I wasn't sure how Hope would handle the bunny - she's been very shy lately with people, let alone big stuffed things that move around! But this bunny was so happy looking and really fun. He was dancing around and playing peek a boo - Hope was very into all of it and happily sat on his lap!

Here's the obligatory $25.00 photo from the photographers...

We came home and Brian had his friend, Daniel over all afternoon. We had a pizza party for dinner and warm chocolate chip cookies for dessert to celebrate the first day of Spring Break! And we ended the day on the swings in the sunset.

It's going to be a great month.

I will make it so.

5 comments:

GenieApril 1, 2015 at 8:52 PM
Thank you. Your grace reminds me to face my own challenges with the same amount of grace and to focus on the good. Thank you for writing!!
ReplyDelete
Replies
apilloApril 1, 2015 at 9:29 PM
Good for you! It is absolutely hard to choose to see the beauty in life every day after losing a child, some days it is almost impossible. I am always taken aback when friends or family tell me I am handling things well and ask how I deal. I guess I forget that I put on my happy face for everyone, especially my one living child because you are right, it isn't fair to them. It isn't their fault that my precious children died and I am positive that my sons and daughter would not want me to be miserable. Regardless of how short of a time they spent with me they brought me insurmountable amounts of joy and light and I will never forget that.
ReplyDelete
Replies
Margie WilsonApril 2, 2015 at 2:18 AM
You are a super Mom. It is so important to do as you do, concentrate on the good things. The older one gets, the more people you lose, but you also meet new friends, and family, and they too can add a richness to your life, as you know. Kate, your children are so lucky to have you as a Mom! Bless you all.
ReplyDelete
Replies
UnknownApril 2, 2015 at 11:49 AM
What a gift you and your words are to the world! Thank you for sharing! Godspeed.
ReplyDelete
Replies
UnknownApril 2, 2015 at 7:57 PM
I needed to read this. I am one of those people that shut down, from September the 5th, when my dad died to January 28th when my sister died, even though it's been 11 years, we, as in my other sister and Mum, just get stuck there. I guess it's not very often you lose half your family in such a short time. Christmas is the hardest as my sister and I had a competition every year to see who could wake up the earliest. I pretend I'm happy for my girls but, at nearly 12& nearly 16, they can tell my heat really isn't in it. But you are so right, I'm not honouring either of them by doing this. So this year I'm going to honour my dad and my sister by bringing back the joy of Christmas at least. Thank you Kate. For reminding me what honour is all about. ❤️⭕️❌
ReplyDelete
Replies

Add comment

Gavin's Playground Project

Gavin's Playground Project was born from my desire to see an "All Abilities" playground built at Nemours/A.I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware. This is the hospital where Gavin spent a lot of time during his life... and where he ultimately died, surrounded by friendly and familiar faces. To mark the one year anniversary of his death, I held a fundraiser on April 5, 2014. You can read all about it in THIS post.

We raised a LOT of money, but not enough for a playground! If you would like to contribute to help make this playground a reality - so no kids will ever have to sit on the sidelines watching their peers play - you can contribute directly to the hospital through the Chasing Rainbows fundraising page HERE. Your donation will go directly to the hospital for the playground and is tax deductible. You can also create your own fundraising team page and start collecting donations in honor of anyone you want!! There is also a mailing address on their page if you prefer to mail a check. Designate your contribution in memory of Gavin Leong - or write in that this is for the playground so your dollars will go to the right place. Thank you for your support of Gavin's Playground Project!

Gavin's Trust Project

I created "Gavin's Trust Project" to help support Gavin's friends who receive services from the Chester County Intermediate Unit in Pennsylvania. I wanted to continue to try to "make the impossible... possible" for kids like Gavin, knowing well how hard it can be to get much needed "special needs" items. It makes me happy to know that even after his death, Gavin continues to help others. Click HERE to learn more about the Trust Project! All of your donations, big and small, will be added to Gavin's Trust Project to help therapists and teachers get what they need for children in this program. You can write a check made out to CCIU and mail it to: Chester County Intermediate Unit, c/o Deb Hiller, 455 Boot Rd., Downingtown, PA 19335. Please be sure to add "Gavin's Trust Project" in the memo. Thank you on behalf of me and my little superhero!