This is What Two Years Looks Like...

Dear Gavin,

It's been two years.  I can't believe it.  Two years since I held you, saw your smile, heard your laugh, cheered you on and kissed your soft skin.  The time has flown - but it hasn't.  Some days seem to last forever - yet time has so rudely marched on.  To say I miss you wouldn't be enough.  I ache for you.

But today, my birthday, was not so hard.  Your Dad and I feel the days leading up to the day you died - both when it was happening and now - are harder.  It was brutal when it was happening.  So much so that the moment you passed away felt like a relief.  Your body was changing and you were no longer the Gavin we knew you to be.  You were set free - and it was a beautiful birthday gift to know that you were no longer tied down by tubes or machines or pain.  

I woke up this morning feeling so loved.  As I reached my hand under my pillow, I pulled out the most adorable card.  Brian made this on his own without any help, he told me.  It was the best gift.  There's nothing better than a homemade card!

So, as we try to do every day, we celebrated life today.  Yours, mine, our entire little family.  Daddy took the day off and we kept Brian out of school so we could all go to the Please Touch Museum!!  Brian and Hope had SO much fun. I think Hope felt like she had won the lottery when I let her out of the stroller and didn't stop her from touching everything!!

The first experience we had was, fittingly, with water.  They had a little river set up for kids to sail boats and splash and it was so much fun.  

Hope had a great time in a miniature playground just for babies and toddlers!  I could tell she felt like such a big girl - holding her own with the other little kids in there with her.

Brian was the tour guide for the day and didn't steer us wrong.  He found this awesome elephant made out of old toys and collectibles...

He found a room filled with GIANT tinkertoys and we created a house together!

And he found a penny press!  You should see how big his pressed penny collection is now, Gavin!

We went on the carousel two times in a row.  I know you would have loved that.

Brian picked a seat so we could all sit together.

Hope loved the ride...

a LOT!  Ha!

We took some fun pictures...

And then we fell down the rabbit hole.

Brian discovered an entire town down there!  They had a hospital, a shoe store, a brick yard and a supermarket!  Brian and I quickly got to food shopping.  I was in aisle three looking for Pop Tarts while he made a bee line for the fresh vegetables.  Well, fresh plastic vegetables.  That's right, Brian.  Do as I say and not as I do.

Hope found us a new home with a white picket fence and became intensely attached to the stuffed dog that lived there.  That was a sad goodbye.

All throughout the day, we talked about you.  We remembered funny times and sad times, family memories and memories that only you and Brian shared.

So basically, what I'm trying to say, is that today was like any other day.  You are on our minds, in our hearts, in our house and in our conversations every day.  That will never change.

If anyone wonders what it looks like on the two year anniversary of the death of a 5 year old little boy who was our world...

...it looks a lot like life.

I love you, Bugaboo.

Love, Mommy