I Lied...

Dear Readers,




I lied to you.


I'm sorry.


In fairness, I didn't mean to lie.  I guess I was also lying to myself.  You know, when I said things like this:


It feels good to be going into this last and final attempt feeling okay - feeling sure - feeling a sense of acceptance that whatever happens is what was meant to happen.


If I'm not pregnant - we will be fine!  In a way, I will feel relief.  I can clear out our basement filled with stored baby items - clothes, equipment, toys and more.  I will feel relief that I can just live - like nothing is hanging over my head like an undone 'to-do' list.  I will feel energized to kick our lives into high gear - do more, play more, heal more, learn more. 


I really meant it!  I typed that blog post after walking around for days with a puffed up chest.  So proud of myself for having gotten to that place.  Surprised that I felt so peaceful about walking away from trying to conceive should this round with an egg donor not work out.


I was wrong.


I guess I did lie to you about one thing.  How the embryo transfer actually went.  It did not go well.  At least from my perspective.  For months I was preparing myself.  The meds were preparing me physically...and with the help of Dr. Trish and my acupuncturist, Dr. Kang, I was getting prepared mentally and emotionally. I needed to have a peace about me.  It was so important to me that everything be in harmony before I accepted that embryo.  I wanted this little baby to feel welcome and want to stay.


But something happened immediately before the transfer that got me extremely upset emotionally.  It's not important what it was (so don't ask), but I fell into hysterics and couldn't calm myself down.  I almost had a panic attack.  Also, something my doctor said made things worse.  I've been taking Estrogen supplements to prepare for this embryo.  He mentioned something about an "Estrogen high" and when I come down from that I may have regrets about only choosing to fertilize and transfer one egg.


What?  I'm on an "estrogen high?"  Does that mean my decision may have been clouded?  Does that mean my "confidence" about being done and walking away was because of this false sense of happiness and contentment due to high amounts of Estrogen???  


I was so confused...and so upset...and so anxious from that moment on.  When I tell you I sobbed during the entire transfer - I mean I covered my face to shield everyone from the *ugly cry* and worried that my shaking body might dislodge the newly placed embryo.  I wasn't able to watch it on the ultrasound machine like I wanted.  I couldn't even talk to the doctor afterward.  Truth be told, I cried and had major anxiety for the two days I was on bedrest.


Because of that - I convinced myself that there was no way that this could have worked.


All of the ways I planned to be?  Happy...joyous...content.  Repeating my mantra, "Not my will, but thy will be done."  Having zero anxiety or any negative feelings for fear of affecting the embryo.  It was all out the window.  I feel cheated - and I feel like I cheated that little embryo of a good start...or even a chance at all.


Anyone who has been through infertility or IVF or donor eggs or multiple miscarriages or a stillbirth will probably understand how difficult this entire process is.  The wait after the transfer until you find out is one of the hardest parts.  I've received your emails and comments (that I didn't post publicly) chastising me for testing too early.  (I buy most of my tests in bulk for a very inexpensive price here)  I'm pretty sure that most (if not all) of you don't get it.  Let me help you understand something...


The earliest that I ever got a positive home pregnancy test was eight days after ovulation - and that was Brian's natural conception.  So, with that knowledge - I started testing three days after my embryo transfer.  Early?  Yes.  But my transfer was five days after the egg was fertilized.  Which means that it translates to eight days after "ovulation".  One day sooner than the pregnancy test box tells you they can catch it - but if you're pregnant, it will show up.  So who cares that I tested then?  I don't really know why anyone cared.


Today?  I am eleven days past a five day transfer.  That translates to sixteen days past ovulation.  I continue to get negative tests.

It's not looking good.


The worst is how you feel during this time.  I'm still on copious amounts of Estrogen.  And I'm also on Progesterone.  Progesterone not only mimics pregnancy symptoms...but it also keeps you from getting your period.  Of course when you're anxious to know if you're pregnant or not you obsess over every sign and symptom.  Tender breasts, fatigue, hunger, etc.  But they all could be caused by the progesterone.  And then when you start feeling pre-menstrual symptoms - you don't know if it's really that because the progesterone keeps you from bleeding!  It's a mind tease.


There have been a few tests (like today) where I swore I saw a shadow of a line.  But I'm not optimistic.  In my experience, if the shadow really is a positive - at this late date - it could be a chemical pregnancy.  Or a beta level so low that it can only go down.


I, of course, have scoured the internet looking for hope.  Searching for stories where women went in with a shoebox filled with negative pregnancy tests and came out with a positive blood test.  Or women who woke up the morning of their beta blood test and FINALLY got their positive home pregnancy test.  They would be categorized under "stranger things have happened" with a sub-category of "But not to Kate."


Do you know that I've composed my thank you letter to our anonymous donor already?  I wrote it before the transfer.  And on the day of her egg retrieval, we had the nurses present her with a bouquet of Sunflowers as a thank you for all she was enduring (egg retrieval is an uncomfortable process!).  That is how sure I was that I was going to get pregnant.  She's so young.  The embryo was their "gold standard," they said.  I had no reason to think it wouldn't work - I put so much preparation into accepting this embryo and helping it to implant and grow.


If I'm right - and I'm not pregnant - I will feel like a complete failure.  I just couldn't pull myself together and I'm hating myself for that.  I feel like this perfect gift that was handed to us got all screwed up.  And if this is going to end as I suspect - I just feel like I'd be failing Gavin and Brian.  I so wanted them to have another sibling (especially Brian).


I've been very depressed the last two weeks.  Yesterday, Father's Day without my Dad, was one of the hardest days in a while.  I thought I would be SO okay if this didn't work.  But now, on the eve of my blood test, I'm panicked.  I'm so afraid of a breakdown when they call me with the news.  Suddenly I feel devastated that this dream of a third child is coming to an end.  Partly because I wouldn't be pregnant.  But also because it wasn't supposed to end this way.  At all.


Am I making sense?


I'm not kidding you when I say I'm rather fragile at the moment.  And I'm not ashamed to admit it either - unless you have walked my journey, you'd have no idea how this feels.  If you have a nasty comment...or a need to lecture me...or say anything remotely mean, cruel, patronizing, preachy or rude, it will hurt me deeply.  Please...just say no to bullying me about this.  And please - please do not tell me (for the eight thousandth time) to consider adoption.  You're not privy to decisions and discussions and reasons within our four walls.


I will get my results sometime tomorrow in the afternoon.  And I will definitely post them as soon as I can.


Sorry to not be my usual self.  I'll find that person again at some point...


kate.

Break Time...

Today was Brian's last day of school for the next two weeks!  He won't go back until July 9th.  His teachers threw a party today to celebrate.  They all ate ice cream and watched The Lion King, which Brian reported was just "too loud."  I think he'll miss school, but we have some really fun things planned for his break - including taking a trip to the beach for a little vacation!

This week ends Gavin's therapy before a break as well.  Today was the last day he'll see Miss Janna and Miss Maggie for two weeks!  (excuse the blurry shots - I can't believe it myself)

Gavin always does something pretty awesome during his therapy break.  Who can forget this HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT from last year's two week break?

We were at the beach on the boardwalk rides and Gavin rode the firetruck by himself.  It was without a doubt one of the best days of my life.

In other news, I am now six days past my transfer.  Or, as they say in the infertility club, I am 6dp5dt - which means "six days past a five day transfer".  Which also means for me - still not pregnant.  I'm going to have to ask you to hope for me at this point.  I'm feeling uncharacteristically optimistic for many reasons.  Oh, and God still hasn't gotten back to us on that walkie talkie.  Perhaps I should turn to Twitter?  I'll keep you posted.

Breaker 1-9...

Beyond walking on his own...self feeding is the ultimate "Pie in the Sky" goal for Gavin.  I've said before that I think that will be the last thing he conquers.  I've even daydreamed about attending his graduation (early) with a PhD (from his Dad's alma mater - University of Pennsylvania) and then going out to eat to celebrate.  And I'm feeding him...still.  Exaggerating, of course - but it is one thing that is such a struggle.  I'll be very curious to see if being in school with peers that eat solids will be the big push he needs.  Let's hope!!

But we still try...and today Miss Maggie had some success!  She covered bites of banana with rice krispies to give him some texture to crunch - and he ate several pieces!!

I was very proud of my little boy.

In other news, word from preschool is that Brian is coming out of his shell!  He's a lot more talkative and is even showing off his silly sense of humor!  He's still a little shy with the kids - but talks a lot with his teachers.  Sounds like his Mom - I was quite a teacher's pet.

This morning I was at the fertility clinic for blood work.  At this visit - five days past my transfer - they are only checking my progesterone and estrogen levels to see if my meds need adjusting.  Everything looked great.  But you know what DOESN'T look great??  The EIGHT pregnancy tests that I've taken that are all negative!  (My name is Kate and I'm a proud pregnancy test addict)

It's still early...and I'm definitely having 'symptoms' that could be indicative of a pregnancy...but I want that positive.  I'm not the most patient person when it comes to this kind of stuff.  So I put Brian in charge of reaching God on his walkie talkie - to see what he can do.

I'll let you know tomorrow if he got an answer.

Over and out.

Two Week Wait...

If any of you reading this have ever tried to conceive...you know how the "two week wait" can bring out a range of emotions in you.  The time between conception and finding out if you're pregnant - when you over analyze every twinge, symptom, lack of symptoms, etc.  

If you're wondering what types of things I'm "over analyzing" - I'm here to tell you.  Today is four days past my five day transfer.  Since Saturday I've had a lot of dizziness - today, especially.  And I'm more tired than normal.  I'm also having mini-hot flashes.  Anyone who writes to me and says it could be early menopause and not pregnancy will make me cry.  (Only because I know that's probably a possibility at my age!  Ha ha!)

Tomorrow morning I go in for my first blood test where they check my hormone levels to be sure I'm getting enough Estrogen and Progesterone.  Ed gives me a very large needle in my back side every morning with Progesterone...and I take Estrogen three times a day.  Hopefully they won't need to add anything else to my arsenal.

Today was business as usual around here.  Brian went to school in the morning - and Gavin had therapy with Miss Janna in the afternoon.  We're still working on color matching.  It's getting harder and harder to remember that Gavin had a stretch of time when he actually color matched.  Just when we were getting used to it - POOF!  He never did it again.  But we keep trying!!

Brian loves the fun toys that Janna brings.  Today she brought new books with monsters in it - he loves monsters!

And when Janna pulled out "Bubble Bear", she was kind enough to let Brian try to blow the bubbles.  He tried and tried and tried...

 But in the end, he let the expert handle it.  (She really is the best bubble blower in town!)

 And instead, he tried to blow them once they were in the air.  Gavin loved the whole show!

When Brian is involved in any of the therapies, I try to keep him occupied and cooperative.  But there are times when he wants something he can't have.  He's going through the stage where everything is "his."  So I've been faced with lots of little teaching opportunities.  Brian and I leave the room for a "talk."  Sometimes it works - sometimes it didn't quite sink in.

But the good outweighs the bad.  Gavin loves when his brother is there.  They have such a special bond - I love the way Gavin's face lights up when he sees his brother.

  

This afternoon when I opened Brian's backpack to look at his communication book, I had a *moment* when I read:

"Brian was very excited to tell us how he played with Gavin this weekend!"

Be still my heart.

Imaginary Friends...

I was going to ask my male neighbor to answer the door and "confess" that he was, indeed, "Kate" from Chasing Rainbows.  Or hire a young teenager who lives in this house in his parent's basement and smokes pot and makes up stories about this "Gavin" and his brother "Brian" for this blog.

  But instead, I chose to answer the door as myself.  And I greeted two strangers who have been reading since I wrote daily on my CaringBridge site.  Two strangers...that became "imaginary" online friends...who asked if they could come meet us.

They came to our home today as strangers.

And Tim and Beth left our home as lifelong friends.

It's still hard for me to believe that they drove over four hours (each way!) and got a hotel room just to spend an afternoon with us.  We were so flattered.  But after spending all day with them, I have to say it was our honor to have them here.

Beth and I bonded over her pregnancy...and our shared miscarriages (her one - my "I lost count").  She's due with their first child, Alivia Grace, in early September.  Tim and Ed bonded over their shared love of Star Wars, Star Trek, Star Gate - all things geeky.  If you remember the post I wrote when I made Gavin and Brian's Emergency Kits... Tim was the paramedic that helped me with some of the contents!  And he famously came to my defense when an Anonymous poster slammed me for "going overboard" and threatened that my kids would have no life or independence for those pesky kits.  (Still keeps me up at night.  Not.)

Gavin and Brian gifted baby Alivia with their favorite thing - the Twilight Turtle!

And they made Brian's day with a blue stuffed Angry Bird...and Gavin's with a gift card to buy apps for his iPad!  So generous.  TOO generous!

But the thing that got me choked up?  They brought us a beautiful bamboo plant.  Someone had given them this "lucky plant" when they were trying to get pregnant - and they ended up pregnant with their daughter!  The plant was a lovely, symbolic gesture and we were so touched.

We really had a fun day.  Thank you, Beth and Tim, for making the trip to meet us!  Hopefully we didn't disappoint in person!  

Today was actually a great distraction for me.  I've had some anxiety this weekend!  Yesterday I had a lot of dizziness and cramping.  This could be a good sign that our little embryo is hard at work burrowing into my uterine lining and making him or herself at home.  Or it could mean the myriad of things I've made up in my head that add up to bad stuff.  

I'm surprised at my terrible anxiety.  For all the confidence I had - the "I'm okay either way!" statements - I get these waves of fear.  Waves of "OMG - this is it.  If it doesn't work - how will I really deal?"  I'm so bummed that I'm so bummed!!  This wasn't in the plan.  I'm hoping that I can get in to see my Acupuncturist, Dr. Kang, early this week.  Not only can she help bring blood flow to the right areas...but I'm sure she can help me with this anxiety.

This Wednesday I'll be bringing Gavin to see the ENT.  It can't come soon enough.  He's been struggling during meals with sudden congestion and food that comes out of his nose.  And he's still vomiting at night after his apnea spell causes him to cough which sometimes triggers a gag which then causes him to throw up.  Vicious cycle.  But he doesn't just throw up when he's sleeping.  Tonight, after a very long day, he gagged during the final bites of his dinner.  He just couldn't recover and soon it was all on his highchair tray.  Lucky for me that it all stayed contained on the tray, right??  Well...that is, until I dropped the full tray on the way to the sink.  

Epic fail.

Plant and Grow...

Here it is - our single embryo.  It was described by the embryologist as their "Gold Standard" for how perfect it looked.  A day five Blastocyst.  The transfer went smoothly and I surprised myself with an abundance of tears.  

Now, we wait.

When I came home I headed straight upstairs to bed and napped for a few hours.  I had been up past midnight last night cleaning the house and doing the windows.  Nervous energy, I suppose.  This morning I took apart our stroller and thoroughly cleaned it.  Of course I did.  Like a total whack job.  So the nap came easily and it helped pass the time.

I did some research when I woke.  While the fertility clinic thought we were taking a huge risk using only one embryo - the research shows that a single embryo transfer has a high success rate.  Especially in women my age!

I've had a lot of people ask me why I share so much about our fertility journey.  My answer is always the same.  When I first started going through fertility issues, it was hard to find people to talk to.  People don't talk about this - like it's a shameful secret.  It's not.  The amount of emails I get from women who open up to me after reading through our journey makes it all worth it.  I don't like feeling alone - and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel that way, either.  I'm happy to be a resource.  I once heard from a stranger who was googling "embryo transfer" at midnight in Alaska and came across our story.  It gave her an idea of what to expect and it calmed her nerves for her transfer the following day.  How cool is that?

Over the next couple days I have some projects I want to work on (including important reality TV investigative work that is totally top secret, I'm afraid).  I'm also expecting visits like the one I had tonight.  After reading "I Wish That I Had Duck Feet" to Brian he told me he wanted to sleep in my bed.  When I said he had to sleep in his bed, he told me I had to come with him.  

It's going to be a long two days.

I can't express enough - truly - how much I appreciate your support.  Here... through emails... and on Facebook, especially!  I don't take it for granted - and it really, truly means the world to me.

And I am so grateful to my Mom.  On what is obviously a hard day for her as we celebrate what would have been my parent's 54th wedding anniversary, she took the time to deliver a dinner to the house.  Zucchini quiche, stewed tomatoes, macaroni salad and cupcakes - total comfort food and a great "baby growing" meal.  Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad.

If you are wondering at all what is going on inside my body, here's a handy chart that will show the process.  I had hoped to show a video of the actual embryo being placed in my uterus on ultrasound...but Ed accidentally took video of me along with the ultrasound monitor.  Trust me, no one needs to see that.  There were stirrups involved.  Need I say more?

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

I won't be writing for the next few days - mostly because I won't have much to report!  But I will be sharing my musings on life, what I see out my window and what's on TV during the day on Facebook. You can catch me there.

This baby has been planted!  Now we hope and pray and wish for growth.

Not My Will, Thy Will...

Well, this is it.  The eve of my final embryo transfer.  Perhaps you're tired of reading about all this fertility stuff.  I would understand that!  Believe it or not, I will feel THRILLED tomorrow when it's over.  


Why? 


Because I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of filling my body with bottles full and needles filled with all kinds of medicines.  I'm tired of charting and schedules and internal ultrasounds and blood tests.  I'm tired of moodiness as a side effect.  (Although it's been a perfect excuse)  I'm tired of failures that are heartbreaking...and a husband who keeps needing to console me.  I'm tired of thinking about it and saving everything for a baby that hasn't come.


I feel like we've been living in limbo since Darcy died.  But we are ready to move from there.  Finally.


It feels good to be going into this last and final attempt feeling okay - feeling sure - feeling a sense of acceptance that whatever happens is what was meant to happen.  Tomorrow morning at 11:30, one little embryo will be delivered into my womb.  I will rest in bed for two days and will continuously repeat my mantra...


Not my will...but Thy will be done.


I will know if I'm pregnant or not in two weeks or less.


If I'm pregnant - we will be overjoyed!!  Girl or boy - we're happy either way!  We would be thrilled to finally give Gavin and Brian another sibling to share their journey with.  We have a bedroom for this baby - and equipment for this baby - and love that knows no boundaries. I will feel energized to kick our lives into high gear - do more, play more, heal more, learn more. And we would be forever grateful to the angel donor who helped us bring that baby home.

If I'm not pregnant - we will be fine!  In a way, I will feel relief.  I can clear out our basement filled with stored baby items - clothes, equipment, toys and more.  I will feel relief that I can just live - like nothing is hanging over my head like an undone 'to-do' list.  I will feel energized to kick our lives into high gear - do more, play more, heal more, learn more. 

Either path is lined with roses.  


It's shocking, even to me, that I feel this way.  I could only get here on my own...in my own time.  And now that I'm here - it feels right.  I bet you that this new place of acceptance will be what gets me pregnant this time.  Perhaps this is where I was meant to be all along.  Better late than never, right?


Not my will...but Thy will.

Grade A...

Taking the night off from writing due to lack of motivation...


But I did want to mention this.  Our embryo transfer has been pushed to Thursday.  The embryologist thought that our little embryo could benefit from two more days of baking and dividing.  He told us that the quality is EXCELLENT.  Grade A, he said.  This was something I haven't heard using my own eggs, so we are psyched!


I'm also so, so happy that the transfer will be on Thursday.  June 7th is my parent's wedding anniversary.  This year they would have been celebrating 54 years.  To me it's like a thumbs up from Heaven that my procedure would fall on this day.


Love never dies.


Do you know that if this embryo was growing inside of me at this moment, I would technically be 2 weeks and 3 days pregnant?  Crazy when you think of it that way.


One egg is now one embryo.  Hopefully I can count on your one prayer or one positive thought come Thursday.


I guess I had more motivation than I thought!


Now here are two gratuitous photos of our superhero, Gavin, from today to make your night.

The end.