Chasing Rainbows: Not My Will, Thy Will...

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Not My Will, Thy Will...

Well, this is it. The eve of my final embryo transfer. Perhaps you're tired of reading about all this fertility stuff. I would understand that! Believe it or not, I will feel THRILLED tomorrow when it's over.

Why?

Because I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of filling my body with bottles full and needles filled with all kinds of medicines. I'm tired of charting and schedules and internal ultrasounds and blood tests. I'm tired of moodiness as a side effect. (Although it's been a perfect excuse) I'm tired of failures that are heartbreaking...and a husband who keeps needing to console me. I'm tired of thinking about it and saving everything for a baby that hasn't come.

I feel like we've been living in limbo since Darcy died. But we are ready to move from there. Finally.

It feels good to be going into this last and final attempt feeling okay - feeling sure - feeling a sense of acceptance that whatever happens is what was meant to happen. Tomorrow morning at 11:30, one little embryo will be delivered into my womb. I will rest in bed for two days and will continuously repeat my mantra...

Not my will...but Thy will be done.

I will know if I'm pregnant or not in two weeks or less.

If I'm pregnant - we will be overjoyed!! Girl or boy - we're happy either way! We would be thrilled to finally give Gavin and Brian another sibling to share their journey with. We have a bedroom for this baby - and equipment for this baby - and love that knows no boundaries. I will feel energized to kick our lives into high gear - do more, play more, heal more, learn more. And we would be forever grateful to the angel donor who helped us bring that baby home.

If I'm not pregnant - we will be fine! In a way, I will feel relief. I can clear out our basement filled with stored baby items - clothes, equipment, toys and more. I will feel relief that I can just live - like nothing is hanging over my head like an undone 'to-do' list. I will feel energized to kick our lives into high gear - do more, play more, heal more, learn more.

Either path is lined with roses.

It's shocking, even to me, that I feel this way. I could only get here on my own...in my own time. And now that I'm here - it feels right. I bet you that this new place of acceptance will be what gets me pregnant this time. Perhaps this is where I was meant to be all along. Better late than never, right?

Not my will...but Thy will.

3 comments:

NishaJune 7, 2012 at 2:52 AM
I will be praying that all goes well :)
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TuiJune 7, 2012 at 7:14 AM
Hope that it all goes well. Enjoy the 2 days bed rest and catch up on some reading!
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AnonymousJune 7, 2012 at 3:41 PM
I'm sending best wishes, positive thoughts, good karma and most importantly prayers.
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Gavin's Playground Project

Gavin's Playground Project was born from my desire to see an "All Abilities" playground built at Nemours/A.I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware. This is the hospital where Gavin spent a lot of time during his life... and where he ultimately died, surrounded by friendly and familiar faces. To mark the one year anniversary of his death, I held a fundraiser on April 5, 2014. You can read all about it in THIS post.

We raised a LOT of money, but not enough for a playground! If you would like to contribute to help make this playground a reality - so no kids will ever have to sit on the sidelines watching their peers play - you can contribute directly to the hospital through the Chasing Rainbows fundraising page HERE. Your donation will go directly to the hospital for the playground and is tax deductible. You can also create your own fundraising team page and start collecting donations in honor of anyone you want!! There is also a mailing address on their page if you prefer to mail a check. Designate your contribution in memory of Gavin Leong - or write in that this is for the playground so your dollars will go to the right place. Thank you for your support of Gavin's Playground Project!

Gavin's Trust Project

I created "Gavin's Trust Project" to help support Gavin's friends who receive services from the Chester County Intermediate Unit in Pennsylvania. I wanted to continue to try to "make the impossible... possible" for kids like Gavin, knowing well how hard it can be to get much needed "special needs" items. It makes me happy to know that even after his death, Gavin continues to help others. Click HERE to learn more about the Trust Project! All of your donations, big and small, will be added to Gavin's Trust Project to help therapists and teachers get what they need for children in this program. You can write a check made out to CCIU and mail it to: Chester County Intermediate Unit, c/o Deb Hiller, 455 Boot Rd., Downingtown, PA 19335. Please be sure to add "Gavin's Trust Project" in the memo. Thank you on behalf of me and my little superhero!