Easter 2015...

Easter 2015 is in the record books! 

(In case you're wondering - THIS is the record book)

Our Easter preparation began with the official egg dyeing.  Brian and I had a blast.  We did the traditional dipping in color...

...painted with a brush...

...and even sponge painted some.  Brian's first (and favorite) egg was this cross he painted.

And I made a special blue egg for Gavin's basket.

We had a lot of laughs...

...and we made a big mess.  This is what Brian's hands looked like after 27 washes.  I can't say my fingertips looked any better!!  Ha!

Before bed we set up the baskets.  We decided to attach balloons to each basket so the Easter Bunny would know whose was whose!  Brian picked the blue basket to use this year - it's the basket that belonged to Gavin.  We chose a butterfly balloon to put in the green basket - Brian's actual basket - so the Easter bunny wouldn't be confused.  Got all that?

The Easter Bunny figured it all out - and WENT all out!  Our Easter Bunny is heavier on the toys than candy.

Brian's basket included a snorkel set (who doesn't get a snorkel set to use in the bathtub from the Easter Bunny?!?  Ha!), glitter glue, and a tabletop air hockey table!

Hope's basket included a plush Winnie the Pooh in a bunny costume, a mini-pinwheel, a box set of Sesame Street board books and a fun National Geographic picture book.

And Gavin's basket had an electric fluttering butterfly, his bunny ears, another min-pinwheel and extra candy to share with his brother. 

Brian requested the night before that we all "sleep in" - so we didn't venture downstairs until close to 7:30!  Here is the big reveal when Brian came rushing in to the kitchen...

And here's Hope checking out her new toys!

Brian jumped right into the egg hunt since he spied the first egg when he walked into the kitchen.  

Most of the eggs had a penny or a nickel, a dime or a quarter.

  Well - except for the two Darth Vader eggs!  Check out what he found in those!

The low budget, no frills Easter Egg hunt was a big success according to my very sweet and grateful little boy!  (Whew!)

Once he knew all the eggs were collected, it was time to inspect his basket.

And I instantly attained "rock star Mom" status when I said YES to candy before breakfast!!

After our real breakfast, we played a raucous game of air hockey!

Hope loved checking out her toys and books...

Before her morning nap, I asked her "Hope, what does the Easter Bunny say?"  I just had to know.  Here was her response...

Soon it was time to head to church.  We're never quite sure what to expect when we are in church.  Generally we hang in the back in case Hope starts to get loud.  Today I went prepared with a steady supply of snacks and she was quite an angel!  Both of them were - and they looked so adorable, if I do say so myself!

Before we got out of our fancy clothes, we took some photos in our back yard.  It was too hard for me to choose just a few, so I'm posting them all!

Brian got tired of the sun shining in his eyes so he told me he would still smile - but he had to close his eyes.  He kept his word!

This was the best we got from our trusty tripod.  Three out of four looking isn't so bad!  Ed and I both wore blue as a small way of including Gavin in our day.  I actually wore the dress that I wore to his funeral.  It felt like Easter was a good day to repurpose it. 

Brian requested that I take some photos of him with Hope on Gavin's memorial bench in the garden.  Nothing has bloomed yet - but these two brought lots of color... and lots of life... to the garden today.

It was a gorgeous day, so we spent much of it in the yard playing!

Hope took her maiden voyage down the BIG slide.  Daddy and Brian were cheering her on.

She looks terrified, but she LOVED it!

And she loved the swings - laughing and laughing as her Daddy pushed her.

We walked, 

played with chalk, did "experiments" with a bucket of water (sometimes I don't ask - it's more fun to just follow his lead!) and had some snacks.

Eventually, it was time to head inside to get ready for bed.  As I walked into the garage, I turned around to see this on the driveway.  A sentence that will never get old... even when I do.

Happy Easter!

So, Here's The Thing...

Today is the first day of April.  April is a month that has a potential to be depressing.  As you know, it was April of 2013 when we lost Gavin.

But here's the thing.  I don't play that way.  April is a month - and a month can't have power over me.  I won't let the fact that something bad - tragic, actually - happened during April of one year destroy that month entirely for the rest of my life.  Do you know that some pretty awesome things happened in April?  My Grandfather was born.  My Dad was born!  I was born!  My oldest niece, Emily, was born and made me an Aunt for the first time!  And I had a photo taken of me on my 40th birthday in 2010 with my boys - and my belly.  I was pregnant with Darcy Claire.  And... April 14th was the day that I realized I was pregnant with Hope.

But then my beautiful son died.  In April.  On my birthday.

April definitely has potential to be a pretty lousy month.  But why?  I don't miss Gavin less in March!  I won't miss him less in May.  My level of grief is consistent all year long - every single minute of every single day - and it will remain that way for the rest of my life.

But here's the thing.  My level of grief can't have power over me, either.  It just can't.  Sometimes people just shut down around certain difficult anniversaries... or holidays... or random days.  I am SURE you have at least one person in your life like this.  Ever know anyone who is just miserable over the Christmas holiday?  Or acts out around anniversaries?  I have several people in my life like this.  It makes things uncomfortable... awkward... unfair, even, for those around them.

I am determined to not do those things.  It's not fair to me.  It's not fair to my husband.  It's not fair to my children or my family members or my friends.

But here's the thing.  Sometimes I would love to act out.  And you know what? People around me would understand.  They would offer me grace because, after all, I lost a child.  Two, actually. I could "deserve" to be unhappy forever.  It would be very tempting to use death as a "crutch" and retreat into myself and forget everything and everyone. So I have to make a choice... every day... to choose life.  To choose joy.  To choose love.  To choose Brian and Hope and Ed. Because they are alive.  I am alive.

Like most things in life... it's a choice.  Some days the choice is easy.  Some days I have an argument with myself in the mirror and have to force myself to make the choice.

This April, I am choosing to honor Gavin by choosing joy.  I am choosing to allow Brian and Hope to see Gavin's light in my eyes.  

I am choosing to love their Father and give him the grace to grieve his son the way that works for him. Ed is such a great Dad.  

We have fun things planned for this month!  I'm not planning a monster fundraiser like I did last year when I did "Gavin's Playground Party," but I do have something to announce soon!

Today we started off the month with a huge smile.  We went to visit the Easter Bunny!!  Brian and Hope really enjoy going to the mall.  It's pretty rare that we're there because I hate shopping!  So I suppose it's a treat for them - there's so much to see.  Brian looked so handsome in his dress shirt.

We slipped into the Nordstrom ladies room so we could put on Hope's dress.  I didn't want to stuff her and the dress in a car seat! I only iron once - let's be honest.  Ha!

I love her dress so much.  It was purchased at the Just Between Friends Consignment sale a few weeks ago!  It comes with a matching cardigan and it was my most expensive clothing purchase for $10.00!  I hope the person who sold it at the sale sees this.  I am so in love with this dress by Gymboree.

I wasn't sure how Hope would handle the bunny - she's been very shy lately with people, let alone big stuffed things that move around!  But this bunny was so happy looking and really fun.  He was dancing around and playing peek a boo - Hope was very into all of it and happily sat on his lap!

 Here's the obligatory $25.00 photo from the photographers...

We came home and Brian had his friend, Daniel over all afternoon.  We had a pizza party for dinner and warm chocolate chip cookies for dessert to celebrate the first day of Spring Break!  And we ended the day on the swings in the sunset.

It's going to be a great month.  

I will make it so.