Choosing Love is Mandatory...

Three years ago on this day, we followed our son's hospital bed as it was wheeled down the hall and into surgery. We kissed him goodbye one last time and stood together in silence as the doors closed. We watched until they were out of sight before slowly walking away. Walking away was probably the hardest thing we've ever had to do... knowing that we would be entering the biggest, longest waiting room of our lives. But there was one thing that brought us comfort. Gavin was an organ donor. When his surgery was complete, two beautiful kidneys were on their way to a gentleman who is still doing well to this day, thank God.  

After Gavin's death, we had choices to make. To us, they were obvious ones. We chose life. We chose joy. We chose to not let losing Darcy and now Gavin rip our marriage apart. We chose to honor their lives by living ours - and being the best parents we could be for Brian... and now, Hope. 

The morning of my birthday on the very day Gavin died, his wonderful nurse came to work with a birthday cake for me. Can you imagine? She actually ordered a cake ahead of time and picked it up on her way to the hospital. I was stunned. She had them write on the cake, "Celebrate Life - Gavin and Mommy." I loved it so much that I only want that on my birthday cake for the rest of my days. It is now a sweet tradition.

It has also become a tradition to celebrate my birthday and Gavin's anniversary in fun ways as a family. It started last night with a fun birthday dinner. 

I loved watching Brian's eyes light up when I told him he would be skipping school the next day! We had celebrating to do! 

Our day today was jam packed. We went to a morning movie at the Movie Tavern and saw "Zootopia!" As it turns out, morning movies on a weekday are a great idea when you bring a two year old along as the place was mostly empty. Hope sat in her seat - for about ten minutes, tops. Good times. Not so good that I'd do it again in the next two years... but I guess it wasn't that bad. 

Brian, of course, was thrilled to be there. The two of us LOVE seeing movies at the Movie Tavern!

After the movie, we went to a nearby park. It was a gorgeous day!

We ALL had our matching "Super G" shirts on, which has also become a tradition.

Hope has the same fearless nature that Gavin had. You could never swing him too high or spin him too fast and he never met a slide that was too steep. I have stopped panicking as much when Hope wants to attempt something that seems beyond her age. She is so tough!!

And Brian, who has always been the more cautious one, is getting bolder every day. I love watching him dote on and protect his little sister - but she also pushes him to experience new things.

They definitely balance each other out.

I am sure that Gavin was happy as he watched us enjoying the sunshine and smiles.

We couldn't end the day without a trip to Arnold's Family Fun Center. It was one of Gavin's favorite places!

Brian racked up ego points playing Skee Ball.

Hope found and gently kissed every animal...

...and I had a flashback of a fun "love bomb" date I had with Gavin a mere five months before he died.

But the kids had the most fun going down the bouncy slides.

Hope has reserved her biggest smiles for her big brother from her first smile until now. They just adore each other.

Choosing life can be easy. Choosing joy can be challenging. Choosing love is mandatory.

As I rest my head on my pillow tonight, I can feel sure that Gavin had a great day.

And so did we.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you to everyone who has purchased a book for Gavin's Usborne "bookraiser!" I decided to celebrate his love of books by asking people to purchase books for their own children, a charity that means something to them or two organizations that meant something to us as a way to honor Gavin on this difficult anniversary. You can find all the details about how you can get involved in THIS POST. Or you can just skip right to the shopping page, which you can find HERE. Whether you purchase a book for you or for someone else, I get "hostess credits." I intend to turn those credits around to purchase MORE books for two organizations we've chosen - the Child Life Department at duPont Hospital and the Chester County Intermediate Unit. Gavin's Usborne shopping link will be open until April 24th. Feel free to share it with your family and friends! The whole idea is to share Gavin's love of books - and all around happy spirit - with children far and wide. 

Thank you, as always, for loving our little family... and remembering our special little boy.

My Birthday Wish...

Today.

What to feel about this day.

The day I was born... 46 years ago.

The day I said goodbye to my first born son.

The day that I realized - before any scientific confirmation - that I was expecting a daughter we would name Hope.

What to feel about this day. It's a confusing one.

I'll tell you what my heart says, often in the mirror as a pep talk: I brought him into the world on his birthday - and it was a privilege to usher him into Heaven on mine. I mean that. And it was an all around, awe inspiring privilege to be his Mother in those 5 1/2 short years in between.

I'll also tell you what my broken heart says, never in the mirror or even in the light: Why did everything have to happen all on one day?!? What am I supposed to feel? Think? Do? I want to be sad - but I should be happy - but it feels wrong - but what great news to know Hope was on the way - but I watched my son slowly slip away and then die on my birthday and I want to run away right now - but Brian is excited to celebrate Mommy's special day so, yay! It's sometimes a big, mixed up, confusing mess.

But isn't that life? I experienced every high and low - had to make major, grown up decisions - had to choose to celebrate life in the midst of death - had to care for myself in order to get home from the hospital without my son to properly care for his brother. Every worst and best case scenario all in one day.

What to feel about this day.

I never really know! So you know what I decide to do? Something. I find that in choosing to DO something instead of wallowing, I find myself feeling like Gavin's Mommy again. When he was alive, I was constantly "doing" for him. And I loved every minute.

The other night I was re-reading my entries from his final days. And I was remembering how we sat some of his favorite things on and around his bed to make him (and us) happy. One of them was his favorite book that played music. Gavin LOVED books. We always had a HUGE collection of books (still do!) and we were constantly reading (still are!). I remember laying next to Gavin and reciting "Ten Little Monkeys" and "No, No, No Little Turtles" - and other stories I had memorized from the millions of times we read them. I am sure he heard me. 

I was remembering the HUGE role that a book played in Brian's grieving after Gavin died. The Child Life department at the hospital gifted him with a book called "The Invisible String" that talked about the invisible string that connects us all to those we love - here and far. We read that book nearly every day to Brian for over a year.

Gavin and Brian loved spending time looking at books together at home.

And books were a big part of Gavin's therapies! He always responded well when books were involved.

As I sat and reminisced, it suddenly came to me what I could do to honor Gavin on this three year anniversary and celebrate my 46th birthday: host a book drive in his memory!! I hope you will join me.

I will be "hosting" an ONLINE book party that will be a win-win for you and two organizations I've chosen as recipients! (Or any organization of your choosing!!) You may have heard of Usborne books. I just discovered them through my niece, Emily, who will be running this online "bookraiser" for Gavin. They have engaging, educational and fun books for babies up to teens and were named Children's Publisher of the Year in 2014. I love their selections.

So, here is my vision: you can buy a book (or books) for the child in your life, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, gifts, whatever... and/OR... you can purchase a book or two or more to ship to one of the organizations in honor of Gavin! One is the Child Life Department at the hospital where Gavin died... and the other is the Chester County Intermediate Unit that provided school, teacher, therapy services and so much LOVE for Gavin. (The shipping information will be at the bottom of his entry) If you buy a book for your home, I get credit for books - which I can then turn around and use for the organizations! If you buy a book for the organizations, I get credit for books - which I will STILL use for the organizations! It's truly a win-win either way you look at it. If you have another place in mind where you'd like to donate books, by all means do! Gavin would be thrilled to see children all over the world enjoying books because of him. The whole goal is to spread Gavin's spirit far and wide. This child was always happy.

This is not a traditional fundraiser and I will not be accepting monetary donations of any kind. There is obviously no pressure and no need to explain if you can't purchase a book or don't want to participate. I just ask that you remember Gavin today and do something nice and unexpected for someone in your path.

So, how can you participate? Here are all the important details:

The book drive (or "bookraiser!") runs from:

 April 14, 2016 - April 24, 2016.

If you would like to participate in an "email party" - hosted by my niece, Emily Locke, you can sign up using THIS link. She will personally email you and send you fun videos to learn more about the books Usborne offers. She'll also be able to answer questions and recommend books based on what ages you're shopping for!

Alternatively, you could go straight to the shopping page, look around and make your purchases on your own. You can get to the shopping page HERE.

If you choose to send books to the organizations I've chosen in memory of Gavin, here is the shipping information:

Nemours Alfred I. duPont Hospital for Children

Child Life Department / Gavin Leong

1600 Rockland Road

Wilmington, DE  19803

Chester County Intermediate Unit

Gavin's Book Drive

455 Boot Road

Downingtown, PA  19335

I can assure you that either organization will greatly appreciate having book donations. I recently bought this book, "Here in the Garden,"  for our own bookshelf.

It's about a young boy who connects with someone he lost through nature. It obviously reminded me of Brian who blows his "wishies" to Heaven to his brother. This would be a good choice for the hospital who could give copies away to children who have lost a sibling.

The Intermediate Unit can use any books for their "kids!" I personally love the "lift the flap" books that would be great for kids who need occupational therapy. When therapy is fun and engaging, it becomes more like play than work. At least that's how it was for Gavin!

There are books for $5.00 and books for $20 and there's really something for every child. I hope you have fun looking through all the selections! Just remember - the party closes on April 24, 2016.

Whatever you decide, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for always remembering Gavin. We have sailed and stumbled and sometimes fallen as we've learned to navigate this wild life without him... and you have been with us through it all. 

Every year since Gavin's birth, my birthday wish has been: "Please let me do right by this sweet boy and be a good Mommy to him." And that will continue to be my birthday wish until my last day.

Thank you for helping to make this year's wish come true.

One Foot in Heaven...

Today is the three year anniversary of the day I pretended to have hope.

Me. The ultimate harbinger of positivity. Gavin's biggest champion. His strongest advocate. I stood by his bedside and... pretended.

His tiny body had endured several major cardiac events. He died in front of us more than twice, only to be brought back. But not far enough back. I'm his Mommy. I could tell. Four different times, crowds of people rushed into the room and we were pushed to the corner to wait and pray and fear and beg. But that night, when it was just the three of us in the room, I looked into Gavin's eyes and I knew he had one foot in Heaven. 

I mentioned my feelings to Ed and he was mad. Not really mad, just the "don't say that!" kind of mad. I mean, I get it. I am the one that is typically buoying us up. If I lost hope, what could he hold onto? So I pushed it down and let the Mama bear come back out.

Every doctor that came into the room had me glued to their side. I pushed to have the eye doctor come to check his eyes. Since Gavin had been through a severe (and I mean beyond your comprehension kind of severe) corneal abrasion in the past, I worried that he was at risk. His eyes had remained open - his pupils different sizes - since his first cardiac event in the emergency room the day before. The doctor came and, sure enough, he had an abrasion on one of his eyes. I was devastated. But I also knew - in my heart of hearts - that Gavin wasn't feeling pain. I knew at this point that a corneal abrasion was the least of his concerns... and mine.

I told everyone "We need a miracle. Please pray for a miracle!!" I wrote THIS post asking for just that. I mean, Gavin HAD experienced a miracle or two in his little lifetime. That much was true. But as I sat in the corner and quietly prayed through tears, I told my God that I knew.

I knew.

I think knowing is a very powerful thing. With knowing often - not always... but often - comes acceptance. So the next day, I stopped pretending. I just knew that it was not going to end with a miraculous "comeback" for our superhero. And with that knowing, I was able to spend the next few days with him peacefully. I didn't have the usual panic of trying to help him - trying to fix him - trying to save him - trying, trying, trying. Instead, I spent my time memorizing him more. Sleeping next to him. Singing to him. Bathing him. Ushering him.

He had one foot in Heaven. I know this for sure. But make no mistake, he was there in that room. He felt our embraces. He heard our words. He enjoyed his favorite songs. He gave us so many gifts over those four days that we will never forget. Not the least of which was Hope. There is no other explanation why I woke up on my birthday on the day that he died KNOWING that I was pregnant... KNOWING that it was a girl... and KNOWING that we had to name her Hope. Gavin knew before me. I can't explain how I knew - but as you now know, I was right. Hope was born seven months later. I will always feel like Gavin gave me the news of his sister's impending arrival. Perhaps they met each other when he was rising and she was falling.

There are days when I feel like I abandoned Gavin on this day in 2013. That I "gave up on him" in some way. Admitting that I knew is painful. The true, medical reality was that he really wasn't going to come back. I think everyone knew this was the end...and we were all just waiting. But I suppose sometimes I feel like I was supposed to be the fighting, wild eyed Mother all the way to the end. I just couldn't. I felt like Gavin deserved more as he transitioned from Earth to Paradise. 

He had one foot in Heaven. And now, so do I. How else can I continue to hold his hand until my day comes to be with him again? I will never let go of his hand. And he will forever hold mine. 

Of this, I am sure.

Tested...

Since Gavin's death - which was completely, utterly, entirely shocking in every way possible - I have suffered from a case of medical anxiety. I am pretty sure I have completely, utterly and entirely made up that expression, "medical anxiety" - but it fits.

Lately, this anxiety has been pushed to the brink. And I'm here to tell you I survived.

We have all been sick in one way or another for going on four weeks. Stomach bugs, colds, coughs, and more. Brian was the most concerning for a while when I noticed he wasn't bouncing back from the stomach flu as quickly as the rest of us. He had extremely low energy, a stiff neck and no appetite. It was easy to assume for a while that it was recovery from the bug, but then it lingered... and I began to panic. When a visit to the doctor revealed swollen lymph nodes and a worsening stiff neck - it prompted a consult with infectious disease. Panic moment number one. When he continued to worsen and the lymph nodes got bigger, he was sent for labs and X-Ray. When the labs came back concerning - panic moment number seven hundred and thirty two by this point. Repeat labs and X-Ray several days later were equally concerning, especially because he still had a stiff neck. We were scared out of our minds. It culminated with further testing at the hospital and it was decided that it could be just a strange kind of virus. He was also tested for Mono and Lyme and we're still waiting for those test results. Throughout most of this time, I was recovering from a minor(ish) surgery... so it's been... challenging. (And I am 100% fine)

The good news is - Brian is doing MUCH better. He's back to his bubbly self.

 His neck isn't stiff anymore. His appetite is back. Things are looking up, thank God.

But I can't deny - I went there. I had myself (inwardly - not shown to Brian outwardly) so scared that we were going to hear terrible news. I found myself googling his symptoms (never a good idea). I laid awake at night thinking and praying and begging and thinking some more. It was a pretty awful time for me.

Things got better. A lot better! The other day, Hope decided she was a Princess and I treated her as such.

Yesterday afternoon, when Brian got home from school, we had our snack outside. 

Then we spent the rest of the day playing and even cleaning some of the outdoor toys and furniture. Brian, Hope and I all had scrub brushes and went to town. We played with sidewalk chalk and bubbles and explored the yard and hunted for "wishies." Hope was in a happy, silly mood.

I went to bed feeling much more relaxed - like I could breathe. The worst was over.

And then - I heard a familiar sound over the monitor. By the time I got to her room, Hope was lying in vomit and burning up with a terrible, hacky cough. She had a fever of 102. Ed cleaned her up in the bath while I cleaned up the bed. It was hard for me to sleep with one ear trained on the monitor after that. Hope slept through the night, but when I went to get her in the morning she was burning up again. I called the doctor...

They know just what to say - both of them. They were there for me when Gavin died. One of our doctors saw Gavin in the emergency room - he raced over from his office as soon as he got the call. I think they know where the anxiety comes from and I never feel judged. I can't control it. Even though I trust these two men on a regular basis with my children - for medical care, advice and treatment... I still worry.

This morning the doctor talked me down and said that Hope (who was acting happy and playful) would likely be fine. He suggested clear liquids for the day and to treat the fever. 

The fever.

That's another sticky point for me. I have fever phobia now. Gavin died when a febrile seizure stopped his heart and deprived his brain from oxygen long enough to lead to brain death. I think I have a right to fear fevers. Part of me thought I should cancel plans I had today - big plans - to stay home "just in case" Hope got worse. I seriously had to talk myself into going.

I'm so glad I did.

My Mom gifted my sister, Bean, and me tickets to see "Beautiful - the Carole King Musical" in Philadelphia for our birthdays. I had been looking forward to this for a few months!! A day out with my sister... a great show... incredible seats... how could I give that up for a fever, right?

As it turns out, it was just what I needed. The show was wonderful. I had fun laughing with my sister. Hope was in capable hands with her Daddy - and he was nice enough to text me updates a couple times. I got a break for a few hours. A break that was desperately needed. It's been a long, long time since I had a break like that.

I came home to a little girl who was still feverish, coughing and not quite herself... but we both survived. 

I'm not sure if my anxiety level makes me feel "tested" - or if being "tested" by sick children and a small medical mystery is part of my healing journey... either or both could be true. But what I do know is that I can survive these tests. I've learned that I can pretty much survive anything.

Gavin taught me that.

One More I Love You...

As Ed and I back ourselves out of Brian's bedroom at night, we hear him saying over and over, "Good night! I love you! Sleep well! See you in the morning! Good night! I love you! Sleep well! See you in the morning..." until we are in the hallway. It's not about stalling... or one more story... or I need a drink... or can I have a snack. It's just about love. This boy is filled with love.

When I go in to check on him before I go to sleep, I half expect one eye to open so he can make one last declaration of love and good night wishes. Part of me wishes to wake him - just so I can hug him again.

Is that kind of... strange? I don't know. But it's just how we are. It's how we've always been. This house is filled with love.

I will often put Hope to bed first so I can linger with Brian a little later and read a book or talk. He makes such a fuss over his little sister and does NOT like to miss saying good night to her. The other night the two of them kissed and hugged goodnight and then I began to head up the stairs with Hope. Halfway up I heard, "Wait! Wait for me! I need just one more kiss and hug from Hopi!" 

As the two of them met on the landing, I stood back on the steps and just watched through my camera. I didn't speak. I didn't suggest a pose or an idea. I listened as his voice went up an octave and his words softened.

And I just watched....

"Hopi! I came up to give you one more kiss! Can I have a kiss and a hug?" he asked.

"no!" she replied with a sweet voice. "I want a kiss."

"Hope, that's what I said, silly! I want a kiss! Maybe we'll dance. Want to dance first?" he suggested.

"yes." in her softest voice.

"Good night, Hopi. I hope you sleep well. I'll see you in the morning. I love you, sweetie pie," he said.

"love you, brian." she replied.

And with that, they had one more kiss and hug. And one more I love you.

Children are so pure and vulnerable and easygoing with their love. It's not until you get older that things can get in the way. Pettiness, resentments, boredom, laziness. I mean, honestly... when was the last time you ran after someone important to you for just one more I love you. One more I appreciate you. One more hug. What's keeping you from going that one extra step? It's easy to get complacent when there are chores to do or children to raise or calendars to keep. But as I watched the faces of my children light up as they danced like I wasn't watching... and loved each other without a care in the world... it convicted me. 

Everyone deserves one more I love you.

Puddle Jumping at JBF!!...

I get so excited this time of year when it's time for my favorite consignment sale!! Just Between Friends! If you've been reading even for just the last year, you probably know that I'm rather obsessed with it. I sell - I shop - I make money selling things - I give it back buying things - and the Spring sale is a marker to me that SUMMER IS NEAR!!!!!! Thank God that Summer is near.

Thanks to Ed, I was able to escape the sick ward of our home and sneak over to shop for a little while. I did so, so well. Want to get an idea of how much I love this sale? No one asked me or is paying me or suggested that I write these blog posts. I just love sharing the great bargains (and adorable things). I'm always telling people - even strangers - about the sale near me. It's like a family there. I've been shopping this particular sale since Gavin was a toddler. One of the very first things I purchased was a baby walker for him, hoping it would encourage him to start taking steps. It worked... and he did!! I've been hooked ever since.

Anyway, here are just some of the steals I picked up. 

I couldn't resist getting Hope some dresses - I love her in dresses and thought these were exceptionally cute. Especially the Hanna Andersson on the far left and the Ralph Lauren navy and white at the top. All of these dresses were $20.00. All - as in... all! Crazy, right?

After laying these clothes (that didn't come together like you see) out in little outfits, I can assure you that Hope is already WAY more stylish than her Mommy. And probably always will be. One thing I really love about this sale is finding unique clothes that I would have to shop and shop in all different stores to find... something I don't have the time or the patience for. Hope is going to look so adorable this Spring and Summer! All you see pictured here cost me $50.00. That's like paying $3.00 per item. You seriously can not beat that.

I love looking for shoes at the sale. Many of them are brand new, never worn which is a bonus! Especially when you get up to Brian's age when kids are much harder on their shoes. Here are the shoes I got for him. I spent $20.00 total for all. Only one pair looked slightly worn!

Brian didn't need a lot of clothes this season as he still fits in a lot from last year, but I couldn't resist these things. Ralph Lauren, Nautica, Gap - lots of great brands and two were brand new, with tags. All for $27.00. That's like paying a little over $5.00 per piece! Not bad, eh?

I loved shoe shopping for Hope. She really just needed fun, summery shoes. Three of these pairs were brand new. The whole lot was $20.00.

Hope will be thrilled to ride this bike in the driveway. It barely looked used a day! I stole it for $10.00.

One of my favorite finds were these rain boots. (Hope's ladybug boots came with a matching umbrella!) Brian and Hope LOVE LOVE LOVE to play in water. (Sound familiar? Gavin's favorite thing in life was to play in, near, with water) Last Summer I would fill up a bucket in the driveway and it would entertain the two of them for a couple hours. So I was on a mission to buy them rain boots and I found them right away! Brian's fireman boots were $4.00 - and Hope's ladybug boot and umbrella combo was $10.00. Well worth it already. I knew they would be excited. Brian told me he can't wait to jump in puddles after the next rain. When I told him that I bought those "puddle jumpers" specifically so they could jump in puddles and go crazy he laughed and said, "Seriously?" Umm.... seriously. Is that weird? Ha!

And Hope? Well - she didn't take them off all day. I'm fairly confident she would have slept with them on if I had let her. (I'm so mean)

(p.s. - Hope is feeling much better! But she still only ate one cookie out of that container so she's still not 100% - obviously. Ha!)

If you live in my area (outside of Philadelphia/Main Line Area) - you can come to the sale!! Here are all the details:

The sale opens to the public tomorrow, March 17th at the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center in Oaks, PA in Hall C.

Thursday and Friday they are open from 9am-8pm.

Saturday the hours are 8am-5pm.

Sunday is half price day where many of the items are marked half off. Those hours are 8am-3pm.

You can head to the website HERE for more information and directions.

Happy Shopping! Maybe I'll see you there!

Bye, Bye, Crib...

Recently we reached a very exciting - and bittersweet - milestone. We said goodbye to Hope's crib. It's a weird feeling for me to know that I'm done with cribs forever. It went so fast! It also came much sooner than her brothers transitions. Gavin was four when he moved from a crib to his bed (the one Brian currently sleeps in!). That is really a long time to stay in a crib, but that is where Gavin was safest so there was no real reason to move him out. He had no concept of danger and would have fallen right out or gotten himself hurt in a regular bed, which is why we bought him the Courtney Bed. It was a safe bed with a zipped up enclosure. Brian wasn't ready to move out of his crib until he was three! He climbed out once and that was that. He moved to a full size bed with long side rails and stayed in one spot from bedtime until we woke him up in the morning. He's still that way!

Hope also climbed out of her crib - once. And only once. She was too scared (which says a lot for a little girl who seems fearless!!) to try it ever again. I was really nervous to move her to a bed. For one, she is fearless and I would never sleep wondering what she was doing or where she was. Two, there is a bathroom in her bedroom and with my luck she'd figure out how to open the door even if it were locked. I stalled and stalled until finally it hit me! Gavin had a SECOND bed that would be perfect for his little sister!! We got him a "Nickel Bed Tent" from Ready, Set, Bloom, Inc. for times that we travelled and needed to ensure Gavin's safety. I remember the day that it came. Gavin and Brian played in it for a long time and had so much fun. It was an instant hit. (Check out those sweet dimples on Gavin. sigh.)

 We used it on our last trip with him when we paid a visit to a specialist at Washington National Medical Center in D.C. Gavin LOVED his bed tent and giggled all night in our hotel room after we zipped him in with his light up "Twilight Turtle." It's not just for travel. Many families buy this bed for home use - especially if they are concerned about child who may wander during the night.

I felt a need to hold onto this tent after Gavin died - and didn't really know why. We gave nearly all of his things like this away so other kids could use them. But now I understand. It was like it was meant for Hope. Ed and I agreed that we'd give it a try. If she was scared of it or didn't like it - we'd just put her in a bed with side rails and pray. A lot. I was a little nervous when we said goodbye to the crib and she threw a little fit. But it turns out that was just about being two - and I said one word when she wanted to say another - or some other very critical mistake I'm sure I made. You know, "two stuff."

She helped me set it up in the same spot where her crib was and was very excited with the whole process.

We loaded up the bed with all of her "guys" and favorite blanket and she climbed right in to explore.

After lining up all of her "friends" the way she like them...

...it was time for the first test. Nap time! She slept all afternoon - a much longer nap than usual. I was constantly watching the video monitor for signs of unhappiness, but heard no complaints! She woke up happy and couldn't wait for Brian to get home so she could show off her big girl bed. "Show Brian?" was her mantra for an hour before he came home.

Brian won the "best brother" award for the fuss he made over Hope's exciting news. His voice went up an octave as he sweetly asked her, "Hopi, want to show me your big girl bed? I can't wait to see it!" They rushed up the stairs together and jumped right in so she could give him the tour.

As I sat and watched them play in Gavin's bed, it was hard to contain my emotions.

Who would have ever thought that I would have two children sleeping in two of Gavin's beds after his death? Surely not me. It feels so special. So right. 

And they are both happy and think they have the coolest beds ever... so that's a bonus.

I feel very lucky that Hope was so laid back about this big transition. She never looked back from that first nap! I took a video of her just waking up after her first night's sleep in the bed. As you can see, she's pretty "chill" about the whole thing. Like she's been sleeping in a "tent bed" for her whole life.

Hope is changing and growing so quickly. It's all going MUCH faster than I remember with the boys! She does so much more and it always takes me by surprise. She is busy and fun and sweet and happy. She is now singing songs and voicing stronger opinions and gives the best hugs and kisses. I won't lie to you - having a very active toddler at my age is a special kind of exhausting. Especially with Rheumatoid Arthritis on top of all of it. But even with those challenges - I still wish that I could slow it all down. I love this little girl that took us all by great surprise... and I don't want to miss a second of her exciting life. I hope I can always keep up.

Every day is an adventure with my sweet Hope.