It Gets Better?...

Tonight's blog will be short...and very, very sweet. I'm really not feeling well at all today so I'm not feeling too creative. But, I realized three things today that I wanted to share with all of you.

One...

Gavin threw a full blown, kick your legs on the floor, "typical" tantrum the other day. He wanted to crawl into Brian's room - I wanted him to come into my room - I closed Brian's door to block him and he SCREAMED at me. He kicked his legs on the ground and cried and threw his head back and forth. He was mad...and I was THRILLED! I love when Gavin does something totally typical. It was a very happy moment. Next time your child embarrasses you in the grocery store - or drives you nuts with their whining or tantrums...remember this story. Know that there's a Mom out there like me that would celebrate every time her child did that. Seriously!!

And another biggie? Gavin, who has had a hard time eating anything this week due to his congestion, rallied tonight. Know what he had for dinner? Beef noodle lasagna!!

Two...

I realized that I haven't taken or posted new photos of the boys in days. So tonight, I make up for that and the boys really delivered the cuteness, don't you think? *wink*

And three?...

If I haven't mentioned it lately, I am so grateful for these children. I love them so much. This morning Brian woke up very early and was uncharacteristically upset. I brought him into his big boy bed and we spent close to two hours snuggling and giggling. If someone told me that life as a Mommy could get better - I'd accuse them of lying.

Baby Shower!...

I didn't show up yesterday...but I had a good excuse! I was busy preparing my house for a baby shower today! My good friend Drew and his wife, Melissa, are expecting a little boy. I wrote about them in a previous post - they had a "gender reveal" party where they and all of their guests found out if they were having a boy or a girl. So today we were happy to celebrate the impending arrival of baby A.J. with a beach themed shower.

Melissa grew up in Ocean City, NJ so the baby's nursery is adorable with life preservers and oars and other beachy things. It's adorable.

The true hostesses of the shower? Melissa's mother, Maureen, and her sister-in-law, Karen!

Before Melissa arrived, the guests were given little cards so they could write advice or blessings or a note to the baby and then we hung them on a little clothesline with teeny tiny clothespins.

Drew blindfolded Melissa to get her to my house. She knew the shower was today (it's never a great idea to shock a very pregnant woman with a surprise shower!) - but she didn't know it was here. It's been in the works for months!

Everyone had fun scooping their lunches out of sand buckets with different shovels and Melissa's Mom had individual favors for everyone - Johnson's Popcorn which is a BIG deal if you're from 'these parts'.

Among the wonderful gifts she received were a cute Minnesota Redskins shirt from Drew's family...

*edited to add - apparently, it is the Minnesota Vikings and the Washington Redskins. Who knew? Not this theater lover. And anyway, he's not even from Washington. Seriously. So I am keeping my mistake here - because, well, I'm here to amuse and entertain you. You're welcome.*

...and a gorgeous black and white photo of the merry go round in Ocean City, NJ taken by her brother, Rick. This photo will actually be hung in the baby's nursery!

It was pretty funny to see my house look so different. I took out all the toys...brought in furniture...and Ed took the boys out for the day. I'm not sure I can remember when my house last seemed so...adult! Our playroom was transformed from this...

...to this!

Congratulations, Melissa and Drew!

We can't wait to meet you, A.J.!

Time's A Wastin', People!...

We are still in recovery mode around here. Gavin woke up with a new cough in addition to his runny nose...Brian, when he did wake up at 10:30!, was coughing, too...and I was still dealing with my current miscarriage. I also took a trip to the fertility clinic to check in for my first day of IVF camp. *gulp* The first step is quite ironic - I will be on birth control pills - wait, what? - yes, birth control pills - until October 14th. They're giving my womb a little rest due to it's recent activity. To me that reads: TIME'S A WASTIN, PEOPLE!!! But, they are the experts and I tend to be impatient.

So, in lieu of a cute post, I give you a cute snapshot into the relationship between Gavin and Brian (in photos from a week ago). These two brothers really love each other...as evidenced by Brian wiping Gavin's nose this afternoon with a washcloth. I love my life...

Happy First Birthday, Darcy Claire!

I had big plans for Darcy's birth. Her due date...a scheduled C-Section...was September 21, 2010. I remember stressing that it was eight days before Gavin's birthday. My biggest fear at that time was that I wouldn't be "present enough" for Gavin after bringing her home.

But then - May came.

God had bigger plans that year. Darcy never came home in September. Gavin had a great birthday that year and we celebrated how far he had come with a video tribute. And then I made a video for Darcy to chronicle her journey to meet us.

So today, I had big plans again. Weeks before today I knew that I wanted to be *mostly* alone. As alone as you can be with people in and out of your house all the time. I knew that I would give my "helper" the day off. I knew I wouldn't schedule anything other than one therapy and a routinely scheduled heater maintenance. That was it. When Brian's therapist told me she was on vacation this week and Wednesday would be free - BONUS!

But then - a miscarriage came.

God had different plans for how I would spend today.

And then - boogies came.

Yes...God had very different plans for Darcy's first birthday. First, Gavin's nose started running. Then, by late afternoon, Brian's nose was running. Then I found out that a new oven and dishwasher were being delivered...and installed...today. I was up with Brian four times during the night. This morning I woke up cramping and bleeding and exhausted. I had to be downstairs with the kids to wait for the early arrival of the delivery men. Walking into Brian's room I was met with explosive diarrhea. Great.

As soon as I got the kids dressed, the men arrive and immediately started with the noise and the sawdust and - well, we were banished to the upstairs. No time for me to wrap my head around breakfast or how long they would be or what I should bring upstairs with me. I just took the boys and went.

We ended up in the bathtub - or the "boogie bath" as I called it. It killed a lot of time - the boys could breathe better and had fun playing. Soon I heard a "Hello?" - it was the heater guy. Crap, I forgot he was coming. Unfortunately, he turned the heat on - high - to test it. The whole house was sweating. Not long after... "Hello?" - it was Katja stopping by for a visit and calling from the bottom of the stairs. I had to send her away - I so didn't want her to get sick!

By the time the guys all left - it was close to lunchtime. I don't think any of us were hungry - we all felt pretty terrible. Poor Gavin could barely breathe - which means he had a hard time eating. We did the best we could...and then it was naptime. No one slept - including me. As the boys were in their cribs sniffing and coughing, I sat in the kitchen staring into space. Out of the corner of my eye I would spot the three pink balloons I bought for my precious girl's first birthday "party". Then I remembered - the cake. I had meant to get a cake.

Crap.

Yes, God had other plans for today. Just like he had other plans then back then.

I tell you all of this not so you will feel sorry for me. Did I have a crappy day? Pretty much. Did I complain about it on Facebook? Um...isn't that what Facebook is for?

I tell you all this because...by the end of the day I realized...

God had other plans. And today, even though I wanted to be alone - it was likely so I could wallow. Instead, He surrounded me with distraction and reasons to snuggle with the boys and He helped me feel meaningful as I tended to their runny noses and crying eyes.

Today, I celebrated Darcy's first birthday by (s)mothering my boys with the same love I would have lavished on her. And as I was putting Brian to bed, he stopped and stared at my necklace. The heart charm that holds Darcy's ashes and is etched with her handprints...and, I swear this is true, he said "Darcy!"

I'm thinking that I like God's plans.

Happy First Birthday, Darcy Claire. Mommy, Daddy, Gavin and Brian love you so much.

Grateful...

Tonight I am angry.

I really wanted this "last ditch effort before In-Vitro Fertilization" to work.

Tonight I am sad.

I really wanted this baby.

Tonight I am not feeling well.

I've been nauseous and crampy and more all day.

But tonight...I am also grateful.

I spent the day with two sick boys. Gavin was needy all morning...and then both were needy by the afternoon. Brian is now sick, too. Just colds - runny noses. Nothing terrible. Today it was just the three of us and we did a lot of snuggling and nose wiping. During naps I worked on Gavin's birthday video which helped to cheer me up. When I got to January of this year, I was reminded of Gavin's double eye surgery. He had surgery to lift his two droopy eyelids. After surgery, he had breathing complications which landed him in the Intensive Care Unit for three days. Then, during those three days - he somehow developed a corneal abrasion! It's still a mystery to me how. When he was in the ICU he was practically comatose. It wasn't like he could gouge his own eye - but that's how they described it. Like a chunk had been taken out of his eyeball. For months - and I mean months - we did ointment in that eye around the clock. For a while it was every two hours. We took him to three different hospitals and they all concurred that he was in very real danger of losing that eye. My beautiful blue eyed half Irish-half Chinese son - losing his eye?!? It was such a traumatic time. They also told us that if he didn't lose his eye, that he would most definitely have a very white, very noticeable scar on his eye. That was fine with us when we considered the alternative.

So today, as I was sitting in silence listening to two little stuffed up boys sleeping over the monitor, I looked at the photos from that time...

Gavin had his eye sutured shut several times in the hopes healing his cornea. It would heal...and then it would come back.

But...in the end, it healed...and it stayed healed. And not only did it stay healed...there's BARELY a scar. Once again he left the doctors scratching their heads.

So today, I am grateful. I'm grateful for the children I have. I'm grateful for Gavin's miraculous journey. I'm grateful for Brian's personality that keeps us laughing and on our toes. And I'm grateful for the brief moments I spent with our daughter...who is with me every day. Tomorrow would have been the day that we celebrated Darcy's first birthday.

Yes, I am sad. Yes, I am mad. Yes, I feel like crap thank you very much. But mostly I am grateful. Because at the end of the day when you look at my journey in full - I am one lucky woman.

Wishful Thinking...

Ed and I are sad to tell you that this pregnancy was not meant to be. My numbers went down instead of up - which is an indication of a very early miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy. I should be dealing with that any day now...just in time for what would have been Darcy's first birthday on Wednesday. Yippee.

We are crushed. Or as Ed said, "deflated." We have no regrets for all the hoping and positive thinking and praying and believing we did. Not for a second. And I don't regret sharing it early - I couldn't imagine hiding this as I write here every day.

In other (not so) wonderful news...Friday is Miss Anna's last day with us and Gavin, who I suspected was having a fight with his allergies today, seems to have come down with a cold. The poor child can barely breathe. It's likely that this week will be free of therapy...and obviously free of fertility visits for me.

Thank you for all of your support. Onward and upward, I guess, right?

Prayers For A Much Wanted Baby...And Thanks For The Child Who Was Spared...

This morning we took a very special trip as a family.

When I was newly pregnant with Gavin - and his twin - things were not looking too good. They didn't expect either child to live, to be honest. Ed and I found out about a saint named Gianna Beretta Molla. Many people pray to her when they are trying to conceive, worried about their pregnancy or if they are concerned about their own health during a pregnancy. In reading about her, we found out that there was a shrine not very far from our house that kept her gloves and other relics for the public to see and touch. We drove the hour there hoping that our prayers would save our two children. Well as you know, we lost Gavin's twin...but we never lost Gavin and for that we were very grateful.

Since then, St. Gianna has been very special to us.

So today, we brought Gavin and Brian to the shrine...to say thank you and to ask her for her help once again. We so want this baby we are carrying to make it.

I couldn't help but get a little emotional as I held Gavin in my arms in the place where I knelt with him in my belly over for years ago.

And Brian was such a good boy. He loved putting the money in the donation box and helping me light a candle...which we did in honor of his sister, Darcy Claire.

I've definitely kept myself busy all weekend - trying somewhat to keep my mind off my nervousness. Tomorrow morning I have another blood test and will be hoping and praying for the phone to ring with great news and high numbers. You'll be the...let me see...Ed, Mom, Dad...about fifth to know.

Thank you, as always, for your prayers and positive thoughts for our family.

xoxoxo from me to all of you! Even you, Anonymous Poster. Actually, especially you.