Happy First Birthday, Darcy Claire!

I had big plans for Darcy's birth. Her due date...a scheduled C-Section...was September 21, 2010. I remember stressing that it was eight days before Gavin's birthday. My biggest fear at that time was that I wouldn't be "present enough" for Gavin after bringing her home.

But then - May came.

God had bigger plans that year. Darcy never came home in September. Gavin had a great birthday that year and we celebrated how far he had come with a video tribute. And then I made a video for Darcy to chronicle her journey to meet us.

So today, I had big plans again. Weeks before today I knew that I wanted to be *mostly* alone. As alone as you can be with people in and out of your house all the time. I knew that I would give my "helper" the day off. I knew I wouldn't schedule anything other than one therapy and a routinely scheduled heater maintenance. That was it. When Brian's therapist told me she was on vacation this week and Wednesday would be free - BONUS!

But then - a miscarriage came.

God had different plans for how I would spend today.

And then - boogies came.

Yes...God had very different plans for Darcy's first birthday. First, Gavin's nose started running. Then, by late afternoon, Brian's nose was running. Then I found out that a new oven and dishwasher were being delivered...and installed...today. I was up with Brian four times during the night. This morning I woke up cramping and bleeding and exhausted. I had to be downstairs with the kids to wait for the early arrival of the delivery men. Walking into Brian's room I was met with explosive diarrhea. Great.

As soon as I got the kids dressed, the men arrive and immediately started with the noise and the sawdust and - well, we were banished to the upstairs. No time for me to wrap my head around breakfast or how long they would be or what I should bring upstairs with me. I just took the boys and went.

We ended up in the bathtub - or the "boogie bath" as I called it. It killed a lot of time - the boys could breathe better and had fun playing. Soon I heard a "Hello?" - it was the heater guy. Crap, I forgot he was coming. Unfortunately, he turned the heat on - high - to test it. The whole house was sweating. Not long after... "Hello?" - it was Katja stopping by for a visit and calling from the bottom of the stairs. I had to send her away - I so didn't want her to get sick!

By the time the guys all left - it was close to lunchtime. I don't think any of us were hungry - we all felt pretty terrible. Poor Gavin could barely breathe - which means he had a hard time eating. We did the best we could...and then it was naptime. No one slept - including me. As the boys were in their cribs sniffing and coughing, I sat in the kitchen staring into space. Out of the corner of my eye I would spot the three pink balloons I bought for my precious girl's first birthday "party". Then I remembered - the cake. I had meant to get a cake.

Crap.

Yes, God had other plans for today. Just like he had other plans then back then.

I tell you all of this not so you will feel sorry for me. Did I have a crappy day? Pretty much. Did I complain about it on Facebook? Um...isn't that what Facebook is for?

I tell you all this because...by the end of the day I realized...

God had other plans. And today, even though I wanted to be alone - it was likely so I could wallow. Instead, He surrounded me with distraction and reasons to snuggle with the boys and He helped me feel meaningful as I tended to their runny noses and crying eyes.

Today, I celebrated Darcy's first birthday by (s)mothering my boys with the same love I would have lavished on her. And as I was putting Brian to bed, he stopped and stared at my necklace. The heart charm that holds Darcy's ashes and is etched with her handprints...and, I swear this is true, he said "Darcy!"

I'm thinking that I like God's plans.

Happy First Birthday, Darcy Claire. Mommy, Daddy, Gavin and Brian love you so much.