Dear Anonymous...

I decided, maybe against better judgement, to share the comment I received on the post announcing my pregnancy. (Note - this is my second post today. Read the previous post for all kinds of happy stuff!) After reading it, I had a knee-jerk reaction. I deleted the post from view...and then I disabled all comments. I've calmed down - well, only a little - and decided to allow comments, but they will first be sent to me for review. I feel bad about this - I don't like censorship. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. But - this blog is more than a "blog" to me. And that is what this person, man or woman, seems to not understand. First, I'll let you read the comment - and then I will respond. You might want to put on your big girl panties now....

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Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Too Good To Be True?...":

Don't you think you are jumping the gun on this. I have been reading your posts and so much of it seems to be about you. Do you take care of your kids or does everyone else?? Many many people do this on their own every day. Now, if there are 3, how are you going to spend the little time you do with all the kids?? Isn't this selfish? You may want more siblings to take care of Gavin, but is it worth the torment and agony you put yourself and your whole family through. Have you stopped and thought of what you have missed out on going to doctors appointments or blogging. How about doing the normal wife/motherly things we all do for once, without needing help. If you need help now, how much more will you need with 3 kids. You are on the cusp of being a munchauser...how disgusting.

I grew up with a brother with handicaps but my parents did it on their own and fought with schools to get him services because there were none back then. They learned how to help him, there were no services in the house, they created services in the school district. If they had had any more children, the effort that they put into getting him what he needed would have been sacrificed or we younger kids would have been forgotten about. Grow up, your kids need you now!!!! You will regret these selfish actions later!!!

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Dear "Anonymous Poster",

Please tell me who you are. It would mean the world to me if you did. I mean, you seem like a pretty brave person with a lot of guts. I'm sure a selfish, disgusting person like me could learn a lot from you. Let me learn how to be a better person from you. Reveal yourself. I know my life and how I lead it is important to you, so let me run through your comment and answer all of your questions and respond to all of your well thought out comments.

"Aren't you jumping the gun" - I assume you mean by announcing this pregnancy? Well - yes, I am! I even admitted that. But this blog is about our journey - and I have really never left anything out. With so many losses under my belt I figured the more prayers for this baby from the moment of conception - the better. But if you think there's harm in that - if you think I should have kept it to myself for a specified amount of time - I'll try to take it back. But first I need to write to all the women that have written to me that are struggling to conceive...women that are in similar situations as me...women that appreciate my candor so they don't feel alone. If you give me a week to take care of that - I'll then do it your way.

"I've been reading your posts and so much of it seems to be about you" - Well, it is my blog. I do write about me, about Gavin, about Brian, about my husband - and sometimes I write about my feelings. But if I bore you, might I suggest following a more exciting blog like this one? I mean, I want you to be thoroughly entertained. I'm sorry I didn't measure up in that department.

"Do you take care of your kids or does everyone else?? Many many people do this on their own every day". - They do? I can't imagine doing that. I have never taken care of my kids. As a matter of fact, when my helper leaves I typically put them in a closet so I can watch TV. I mean I feed them dinner and put them to bed - but there's a few hours in there before that. Ha - funny story...one day Ed went to work with the closet key and I couldn't reach him. Poor kids were in there all night. But on the bright side, I did get to catch up on my shows that have been on the DVR for a week!

"Now, if there are 3, how are you going to spend the little time you do with all the kids?? Isn't this selfish?" - Totally selfish. But I do have to ask - how do you know how much time I spend with my children? What do you think I do all day? I'd love to know. And I'd love to know if I should judge other people the same way - because you seem to have it all together and I want to be like you.

"You may want more siblings to take care of Gavin, but is it worth the torment and agony you put yourself and your whole family through" - So, did you think I was trying to "create" caregivers for Gavin? You think that's why we want a third? You must be new here so I'll let that one slide - even though the tone and judgement in your statement makes my blood boil. And what exactly am I putting my family through? Did you talk to them? Ask them? You have no freaking idea what you're talking about. I use this blog as a personal journal a lot of the time. I always have. This blog - and my previous journal - have been the one thing that I've done for myself every day. It's been an outlet for me to get out all of my anxiety, frustrations, anger, sadness, and joy along the way. (Hey - maybe you should try it! It might help with your obvious issues!) I don't filter - I just write. But if you think what I write on a bad day defines that day - you're wrong. As a matter of fact, ask anyone who has been in my house, it's pretty rare to see me sad or mopey. That's because I pour it all out in my writing. What I ask in return is for people to read with an open mind and an open heart. I can't count the number of comments and emails from people (people that are NOT like you) that have said "I'm struggling with the same feeling" or "I would never have admitted that - but it's just what I'm going through, too" - and that makes it all worth it. To make people feel less alone.

"Have you stopped and thought of what you have missed out on going to doctors appointments or blogging." - Wow. No, I haven't. You know all those pictures I take every day of the boys? Little known fact - I hire a photographer so it looks like I'm present. You really don't know what the hell you're talking about. It takes me about ten minutes to start and finish my blog. And much of the time the boys are in bed when I write. But if you think that's inappropriate, I'll stop writing. As a matter of fact, maybe I'll delay their bedtime until midnight - just so I can spend more time with them. That's a great idea. As far as doctor appointments? You don't know how many appointments I have - how long I'm gone - when I schedule them. But it's still a great point - I think I'll cancel my upcoming dental and OB appointment. I might miss something and that would make me a terrible Mother.

"How about doing the normal wife/motherly things we all do for once, without needing help" - Amen! My husband has been hoping I'll turn into a normal wife for a long time. He'll be so happy you pushed me towards that. And the boys will be thrilled to have a normal mother. Oh wait....what is the definition of normal wife and normal mother? I'm sure it's your definition - and I only want to be like you. Please - enlighten me and the rest of my readers.

"If you need help now, how much more will you need with 3 kids." - Holy cow. I didn't think of that. Crap. Probably a lot. Are you available?

"You are on the cusp of being a munchauser...how disgusting. " - Well, first of all - I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't point out that you probably meant to write "munchausen" as "munchauser" is not a word. I looked it up - and it basically means someone who is dramatic and is an attention seeker. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but DUH!!!!! I write a BLOG! About ME! And I promote it so people will read it!! OF COURSE I'm an attention seeker! That pretty much defines ALL bloggers. But if you are implying that I make things up for attention - like maybe when Gavin's eye was sutured shut? Yeah...that was totally fake. I should be a Hollywood make up artist. And my daughter? Complete act. That was a doll I was holding. And all those therapists that are here for Gavin? Hired actors!! I know....I'm good. I do appreciate the psychiatric diagnosis though. Spot on.

"I grew up with a brother with handicaps but my parents did it on their own and fought with schools to get him services because there were none back then." - That is great! Your parents sound wonderful. I bet if you asked them, they would say that it's so different now. That there is so much more "help" available. That they wouldn't have felt so alone...or had to fight as hard. They may even tell you that if they had been offered help - they might have taken it! But, are you implying that I don't do things on my own? That I don't fight for anything for Gavin? I'd be happy to send you my "Mother of Gavin" resume. It's pretty long, but it makes for an inspiring read if I do say so myself. (There's that pesky munchausen syndrome popping up again!) That being said, if you're saying I should do the motherly "martyr" thing - not accept help, do it all on my own, be superwoman, make myself sick from running myself into the ground, not take care of myself and then bitch about how I have to do it all on my own - that does sound like a better, healthier way.

"They learned how to help him, there were no services in the house, they created services in the school district. If they had had any more children, the effort that they put into getting him what he needed would have been sacrificed or we younger kids would have been forgotten about." - Well, here's where I want to say something very rude to you, but I won't. What I will say is this: if you don't think that we are doing everything that we feel is best for Gavin, then you're misguided. I could have sent him to school last year. But I fought to keep him home. Know why? Because the one and only school that he could have gone to was NOT suitable - was NOT the best for him - was NOT acceptable to me. I now have all of his therapists and teachers - pretty much every therapy that's available - come to the house. He gets MUCH more attention at home. And having someone to help me? Do you know that THAT means? That when Gavin is getting his therapy - Brian can have his needs met, too. Gavin has thrived this past year at home - and I'm very proud for what I did as his Mom to fight for him. Someone like you can't make me feel otherwise. I'm sorry your parents struggled and had so many obstacles. But...listen, if you think I should do things the way THEY did it - just because it would make me a better Mom - then why don't you tell me step by step what my path should be. Clearly your parents did a great job with their children - I mean, with you being such a kind and compassionate person and all. They would be proud of you for sure if they read the comment you posted 'anonymously'.

"Grow up, your kids need you now!!!! You will regret these selfish actions later!!! " - My kids have me now. Every day and night. I barely go out. I don't shop. I make all of Gavin's pureed food. I read to them every night. We rarely watch TV. My kids have me now. This journal has always been a very personal account of our life. I have trusted my story and my struggles with the world and, to be honest, you are a minority. More people have been inspired to pray for my son's healing...and a lot of their prayers have paid off as they watch him defy the odds. Lots of people have seen themselves in my day to day struggle and, in turn, we have all felt less alone. And many people have sent me great ideas and tips and support that have helped me as not only Gavin's Mom - but Brian's as well. This blog is so personal - and your single comment makes me realize that the only thing I regret is not having a bouncer at the door. If I could kick you out and deny you the privilege of ever reading anything about my family's journey again - I'd do it in a second.

What makes someone attack another person - implying that they are a bad Mother because they don't do it "the right way". What makes someone attack another person? Hate. Jealousy. Anger. - I'm sure there's a psychological diagnosis to fit this type of person. I'll leave that to you, Doctor.

Sincerely,

kate.

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p.s. - this post won't remain forever. I do NOT want this hatred and ugliness in the story of our life. This is like a daily journal of my children's lives - something they could read in the future. You will not be a part of our history.