Know why I didn't write yesterday? I was out of positive thoughts. Me! Out of positive thoughts. This is getting rather tiresome, wouldn't you say? This past Sunday I got clocked on the face by a falling globe light fixture. Some may see it as an unfortunate accident. Others might see it as yet another thing for me to deal with on top of all the other depressing things that have been happening the last few months. Before I tell you what I think...here are photos to show you just how BAD it really looks.
HO
HO
friggin Ho.
It's bad. No makeup or big sunglasses or huge floppy hat can hide these raccoon eyes. Of course, Christmas and New Year's are right around the corner. I'm pretty confident that Photo shop can't even help me. I'm pretty...depressed. On top of already being depressed. I've had to go out in public a few times and the stares are getting old. I can just imagine what is going through people's minds. I had been planning on going to the church that I grew up in (and Ed and I got married in!) for Christmas eve service with my Mom. Ed likely would have stayed behind at my parent's house with the boys. Can you imagine the whispers? "Did you see Kate Gallagher? She looked horrible! The bruises! And her husband wasn't there!" Scandalous. I'm SURE the lovely people in my home parish wouldn't be doing this - I'm kidding, of course. But my own insecurity will definitely keep me away. I don't feel like being stared at - on Christmas Eve - when I'll likely be crying anyway because my Dad's not there. Have no fear - my Mom still has my other, unbruised and beautiful sister, Bean with her at Church. It's all good.
But...I also think it's a sign. Maybe it took something falling from the "sky" to knock some sense into me. I need to get a handle on my feelings and get back to writing every day and smiling every night.
Don't get me wrong - life has gone on here at our house. I smile and laugh all day with the boys. We still hold "Dance Party" every night. I play Christmas tunes during the day. The boys see no difference in Mommy. Well, except for my scary eyes.
Gavin had his Feeding therapy yesterday with Miss...or should I say Mrs. Maggie. Maggie got married this past Friday!!!! Although Gavin's heart was broken, he let her back into his life for his therapy sessions. He did a great job with her - opened his mouth for a banana piece and even some bites of cereal.
I do need to get back on the regimen of feeding him solid foods each day. When everything started happening with my Dad, everything around here stopped.
In the background of this photo you can see our new helper, Miss Sara! She started yesterday and things are going well. Although her first time in the Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber with Gavin was a bit of a bust today. He has never fussed with having the mask on his face - and rarely, if ever, pulled it off. Today he refused to keep it on. Every time she tried to put it on - he would pull it off immediately. I have a fear that our days of the Oxygen therapy may be over. We'll try again to see if it's a fluke - but I would never force him to keep the mask on. We had a good run of several years of him cooperating - so it wouldn't be a total loss if we stopped. Time will tell...
I've been saving my misery and tears and blah blah blah for the evenings...usually in the dead of night when all is quiet and everyone is asleep. I have not resorted to grieving loudly in the garage in the middle of the night - like I did after coming home from the hospital without my daughter, Darcy. But I do get out my frustrations on my poor, never did me any harm, innocent white pillow. Yep, I save all my crap for the night time. During the day it's all about these adorable boys.
Oh, Kate. I am so, so sorry. You have every right to be angry, grieving, frustrated (and sore!). I wish that I could just give you a hug. You've been through so very much during 2011. I'm sure you're ready to boot its skinny butt out the door and welcome in 2012.
ReplyDeleteAnd ouch on the clobbering. That globe clocked you good. I wish there was some miracle remedy for getting those black eyes to fade, but I don't know of anything.
I know nothing seems right in your world right now. You just lost your dad and it seems like nothing will ever be right again. But it will. It just takes time. When you are hit with the death of someone so special - someone so close to you - it takes time to recover from that. I think I mentioned in the past that I lost my dad, my brother's long-time girlfriend AND my brother in a span of 14 months. I thought I would NEVER be happy again. I have four sons, and I seriously got through each day (and the holidays, for that matter), but putting one foot in front of the other - for them. It wasn't for me - if I could have had my way, I would have stayed in bed day and night. But I didn't have a choice - I had stuff to do for them. They really saved me during a very difficult time in my life. They were grieving, too - they were very close to my dad and brother, and we loved Mary like she was a part of our family. I look back now, and wonder how the heck we ever made it through those months (lost Dad in Dec 2008, Mary in Nov 2009, Mike in 2010). I would have cancelled Christmas for those three years if I could have. I put up decorations, but there was no joy in it. I shopped for gifts with no interest. I went to church and sobbed.
(And I remember thinking - "how can people be so happy/laughing/acting like nothing's wrong? Don't they know my dad just died?")
I guess my point is, I get it. And the fact that you are struggling with a lot right now means you are human. A human with a huge heart that's hurting right now. It will get better, but it will take time. I'm so impressed you're even able to blog - I couldn't communicate a coherent thought for months. Not in a blogpost, not in an email, not speaking, nothing.
Keep looking to those precious sons of yours to light up your days. Because while it's hard to smile through these tough times, you're boys are certainly something to smile about. They are absolutely adorable. I so enjoy seeing pictures of them and hearing about everything they're in to.
I hope things go well with your new caregiver, and that Gavin was just "off" and will get back into the hyperbaric chamber. Give your boys a great big hug for me, and tell them to give you a great big hug from me.
If I can ever do anything for you, please don't hesitate to contact me.
May the peace of Christ be with you during this season, Kate. I am praying for you and your family during this time.
Hi Kate,
ReplyDeleteBig hugs from a reader from Singapore.