This weekend I got dressed up...wore make up and everything...even put on some high heels...and went out two nights in a row. I know what you're thinking - "That's great! You've been so depressed - you needed to get out!" Although "getting out" did seem great, in theory, it sure didn't feel that way to me. Whereas once I was a social butterfly...I now feel more like a very shy caterpillar. So silly, I know.
Last night was Ed's company holiday party. They held it at the Camden Aquarium, which made for an interesting evening. I was wishing the whole time that the boys were with us - they would have loved the dimly lit rooms with the big tanks illuminated...and probably the dueling piano players they hired as well. Ed is still fairly new with the company so the night was filled with lots of small talk and me meeting people for the first time. It was all very nice...but oh, so exhausting. All of it seemed like chatter - so insignificant. I just wanted to scream, "Ummm....my Dad died! None of anything else is really important right now!!" (Don't worry, I didn't.) The positive? Ed and I had a nice night out together. We laughed...he thought I looked pretty...I thought I had the most handsome date of the night. This morning when I woke up - I felt like I had been hit by a truck. My R.A. was really bad...I could barely move. And I was just emotionally spent.
I spent today trying to rally myself for another night out. A big group of ladies in our neighborhood were meeting at a local restaurant for a holiday dinner. There were about twenty of us and we rearranged seats three times so we could all visit with each other. I am always so happy to see my neighbors. I've said it before and I'll say it forever...I live in the best neighborhood with the nicest people. Since I know all of these ladies, my guard was down a bit more. A few times I started to cry and ended up talking about my Dad. Not the most "Christmasy" conversation - and it wasn't intended - but I just couldn't help it. It just comes out...it's really all that's on my mind.
I wish I could be "myself" again. There have been times that I find myself laughing and happy and dancing with the kids - and I almost feel disrespectful. Like it's too soon to be happy and too soon to move on. I'm really learning how to navigate this new and scary "death" territory - and I'm quickly discovering that I can't ask anyone for a map. Everyone has to chart their own course. And no course is better or worse than another. So I guess I'll get there when I get there. (But I'm still looking for that great Gallagher short cut.)
A depressing post, yes. So I promise that tomorrow's post will have some really juicy news.
Kate:
ReplyDeleteWrite what you need to and how you feel. It's OK to be down and hurting right now. Grief is a funny thing and so different for everybody.
My love is with you and I pray somehow, some way you can get the peace you deserve.
Shari
I don't think it's a depressing post at all! You are edging forward, day by day, and that's all you can do. I travelled home on a plane within 6 hours of my dad's death, surrounded by people staring at me breaking my heart. Normal just takes on a new definition, as you try to redefine who you are.
ReplyDeleteSmall steps are the way to go. Your honesty is a blessing and you are right to feel as you do. Keep smiling, keep trying, keep feeling and slowly, you'll move forward. x
My dad passed suddenly in August of 2009, the first year was so very hard. I cried constantly. The second year was a little easier, I still cried but more like a couple of times per week instead of every day. In our third year without him, I am finally able to think about my dad and smile about things we did. I still have my moments and certain times I still collapse.
ReplyDeleteI know that the holidays will be very difficult for you and I hope that you are able to enjoy at least a few moments here and there with your beautiful boys.