There Are Some Things You Just Can't Fix...

I remember going into Target when I was pregnant with Gavin. I had a midwife lined up for what I had expected to be a natural birth in a room lit with candles - and someone tagged to hit play on the Diana Ross song, "I'm Coming Out" when Gavin emerged. Ok, Ed didn't agree to any of this - but it didn't matter because Gavin came early and I had a C-Section. But I digress....

The midwife told me I should buy a Yoga ball. I do what I'm told. I never used it during my pregnancy, but it became invaluable when Gavin (and Brian...and Hope) were infants. I would hold them and bounce and bounce and bounce them to sleep. Then, down the road, we added a smaller Yoga ball and Gavin started using both for therapy. We'd sit him on them so he could work on his trunk strength...we'd lay him over them on his belly and try to get him to reach for toys in front of him...we had so many uses for these Yoga balls. They were a constant presence in our home.

Today, we said goodbye to them.

The balls and a few other therapy aids I found were the last remaining therapy items of Gavin's. I have been giving his equipment and other special needs items away to his former therapists so they can be used. Today, Miss Wendy - Gavin's former Physical Therapist - came by to visit and pick up the Yoga balls. I told Brian a few days ago what I was thinking about the Yoga balls. That, like all of Gavin's therapy aids, it would be nice if other kids like Gavin could be helped by his things. Brian agreed. And this morning I reminded him again that Miss Wendy was coming by the house.

Brian was very excited to see Wendy, as always. He definitely misses the people that came for Gavin. They were a big part of his life. We had a great visit. Brian, Hope and I helped Miss Wendy bring everything to her car and waved goodbye.

Walking back down the driveway I heard a little shaky voice say..."I'm going to miss them." I turned to see a tear drop from Brian's eye. I went into panic mode as more tears followed. Soon they turned into heartfelt sobs.

"Buddy - are you talking about the balls?"

He nodded.

"Remember I told you she was coming for them? Remember we talked about giving them away and thought it was a nice idea?"

He nodded and tried to say..."I loved them."

I needed to fix this. I told him I could call Miss Wendy - she wouldn't mind giving them back! He shook his head violently - no way. I told him I could buy him new ones! Whatever he wanted! I just wanted to make it better.

But then I realized - I didn't need to make it better. I didn't need to fix anything. I didn't need to do anything! He just wanted his feelings heard - and validated.

So I sat on the ground with him and let him sob. And I let myself cry, too.

Once he calmed himself down he told me that he liked that the Yoga balls were going to help someone like his brother. That's what he wanted. He just wanted to be sad because he was really going to miss them.

So I let him feel his feelings...and I stopped trying to talk him out of them or buy him out of them or fix them... 

Because there are some things, like missing things or missing big brothers, that you just can't fix.