I Suppose He Knew...

A lot has happened over the weekend!  Let me catch you up....

Much to my shock, we surpassed one hundred thousand facebook followers on the Chasing Rainbows Facebook page.

Even Hope can't believe it.

To "celebrate" - I'm going to post one hundred thousand photos of my children in this post.  Just kidding - there are only thirty three.  And three videos.

But more on that Facebook page thing later.  Here's what went down in the Leong house this weekend.

A (pretend) fire broke out and Brian came to the rescue.

He was the fire chief and I was his "assistant fire person."  This was serious business so please stop laughing over there.  Yes, you.  I can hear you from here.

Even Hope got in on the action...

Big news:  Hope had her first swing ride in her big brother, Gavin's, swing!  

If you remember, this is the swing that Brian would ask me to push while we were out there on the two other swings.  He thought "angel Gavin" might want to swing with us.  I'm sure he was right.  And now our little angel, Hope, can enjoy it, too!

Here she is before dinner swinging again.  But this time she lost her hat... and her pants.  Hey - that's sometimes how it goes.

It was a gorgeous weekend for playing outside - and Brian did just that!  He had SO much fun on his new Radio Flyer Ziggle that he got for his "half birthday!"

Hope continued to practice her crawling (she's getting there!).  I decided to lay down this gorgeous blanket as motivation - and was so moved by her response.  This blanket was made for me by a total stranger who reads this journal.   She gave it to me on my first Mother's Day without him, just one month after he died. Brian has LOVED this blanket so much - and he had so much fun giving Hope her first tour of all the photos.  "This was me and Gavin in matching pajamas.  And this is me and Gavin in our fire hats.  I put that on his head just like I put the hat on your head, Hopi!  Oh and this is me kissing Gavin.  And this is me as a baby with Gavin."  Hope has been moving herself around from photo to photo, squealing and "talking" to each one.  It's just... the best.

Last week, we conquered Yams!  Hope got the expected little rash on her bum-bum that goes with the territory when we start solids (at least for us) - but it didn't seem to bother her as much as it bothered me (it's gone already).  This week - BANANAS!  Brian couldn't WAIT to go to the store to buy them.  Then he couldn't wait to see if she liked them.  

Did she?  Take a look...

Then he couldn't wait to feed her.

Hope is really enjoying eating solids!  I'm still breastfeeding 99% of the time.  I am only feeding her once a day - and it's not even a substitute for a breastfeeding session.  We're taking baby steps.  But boy - she loves to eat.  She instinctively opens her mouth wide and looks like a little (ravenous) baby bird - it's so cute.  She also constantly wants to grab the spoon.  This little one may be feeding herself before we know it!

Back to the hundred thousand + Facebook followers.  I really mean it - it blows my mind.  Before you think I'm fishing for compliments (I'm not - so please refrain from any!!), hear me out...

I had no real desire - or even a reason that I could think of - to start a Facebook page.  I have been writing about my family since Gavin was a baby - January 26, 2008 was when it began on CaringBridge.  Gavin was three days shy of being four months old.  Not long after I started writing the CaringBridge posts (mainly to keep my family and friends updated on Gavin), I realized my writing was helping me.  And it was forcing me to keep a journal of all of Gavin's accomplishments, struggles, milestones, illnesses, weights - all of it.  It was also a place where I could post photo after photo after photo - because, let's face it, I'm a little obsessed with taking pictures.  

To this day - I write for the same reasons.  No other.

Along the way I suppose you could have put me in a category of "special needs bloggers" and that would have been fine.  I wrote a lot about the different things we did for Gavin... therapies, alternative treatments, etc... and many people benefitted from learning from us.  (And I benefitted greatly from learning from other people's blogs and experiences!)  I developed what I guess you could call a "following" - I think people were really drawn to Gavin (and then Brian when he came along!) and loved following their progress together.

But then came that fateful day in April.

Suddenly I had reader after reader after reader - it was unbelievable and overwhelming.  I wrote a whole post about how much of it made me uncomfortable called "The Myth of My Amazingness" which you can read HERE.  

I guess you could say that I "used" this blog and the readership to do a lot of good for a lot of people.  With your help, I was able to raise a lot of money (just by putting it out there for anyone who wanted to contribute!) the first year after Gavin died.  But now, for the most part, I'm done... and back to posting about our little life.  Little things might crop up here and there - but it won't be anything that I take on personally.  A lot of people have asked if I'll set up a foundation to continue raising money in Gavin's memory.  To that I say... no.  For me - my "foundation" is my family and I want them to have all of my time.  I think the best thing I can do in Gavin's memory is to do a good job parenting his siblings.  That is enough for me to focus on.

Anyway - I'm rambling.  What I'm trying to say (I think) is this.  I randomly decided to create the Chasing Rainbows Facebook page on March 10th, 2013.  That turned out to be exactly - to the day - one month before Gavin's emergency room incident which led to his death.

There are no coincidences.  If I've learned anything in 44 years, it's that.

I am still the same Mom who writes about her children and first swing rides and birthday celebrations and school.  I still write about heart crushing sadness when we all miss Gavin... or bad days with my arthritis... or when I throw boxes in the garage and curse the Heavens.  I'm still the Mom who writes about alternative therapies and treatments in the hopes of helping someone else who likes to try new things with their child.  I continue to post excessive amounts of photos (can you blame me?  LOL!)  I'm still the same Mom who doesn't have the cleanest house... eats a lot of Chinese food takeout with her husband for dinner... forgets to send birthday cards... writes run on sentences... and overuses exclamation marks.  (Totally!!)  Yet you still continue to come...

One month before he died.

I suppose he knew that we all needed each other.  

So, in honor of all of that - here is an excessive amount of photos of our dear Hope.  She was 29 weeks on Saturday!  If you're wondering why I count weeks - no reason.  It's been my "thing" since Gavin was a baby.  I take pictures and celebrate each week until they are one... and each month until they are two!  Why not!?  It's fun.  And it gives me an excuse to show off some of the pretty clothes hanging in her closet.  Like this gorgeous dress from our friends, Gar Bo and Allison!

Enjoy this glimpse of our blue eyed Hope and her emerging personality...  

Thank you, as always, for caring about our little family.  And thank you for remembering Gavin.

Why I Am Sharing Gavin's Life on Facebook...

If you have been following me on the Chasing Rainbows Facebook Page, you've been watching me share photos and memories of Gavin's life.  I started the day he was born... and I'm up to his 3 1/2 year birthday.  I'm not planning on stopping until I reach the day he died.  I'm not sure how long it will take me - but I don't care.  You should know, though, that it could take me a while!  I took photos nearly every day of his life!!

I'm sure from the outside looking in, one might think I am a grieving Mom trying to share memories of my deceased son.  This is true.

Maybe others might think that I want to ensure that Gavin is not forgotten.  Well, this is also true.

One of the big reasons I'm sharing is to pass on all the things we learned along the way - ideas, tips, advice - in the hopes that it will help someone help the special needs child in their own lives.

But that's not all.

There is a bigger reason why I'm sharing Gavin's journey.  And I think that, in doing so, I am helping fulfill his mission of spreading positivity, hope and inspiration.

I really don't think it was a coincidence that we were completely unprepared for a special needs child (there were no prenatal indicators)... and then completely unprepared for his death (which came as a shock to everyone - including doctors).  I'm not sure we needed to know... or were even meant to know.

We all are here on this Earth for a reason.  Each one of us.  Some of us are lucky to know just what that reason is... and we make the most of it.  And some of us trudge through life just surviving - and miss the point.  Early on in Gavin's life, I felt like I understood his purpose - and it helped me understand my own.  He had a message.  And I was to be his messenger.

It all sounds so silly, I'm sure.  He was a child.  On top of that, he never spoke.  How could I possibly know what his purpose in life was?!  But it all just seemed so clear. 

In my life leading up to becoming a Mother, I faced obstacle after obstacle.  And, truly, I didn't handle them well.  I turned to self abuse - eating disorders - and alcohol over the years.  I even attempted suicide at one point.  You can read more about my wild and wooly history HERE.  

I got married and got myself together and we got pregnant.  I really thought - all my troubles are over.  I paid my dues in life and from now on it's smooth sailing.  I have my 'stuff' together and we're going to have a beautiful life.

My pregnancy with Gavin was a bit rocky - but we didn't have any indicators that told us he'd have anything different or "wrong" with him.  I had a moment in the NICU where I lost my mind - and truly thought I couldn't handle it - but something came over me that I can't explain.  This baby needed us and we needed to just pull it together and adjust.  I don't think people talk about these feelings.  But I do. Know why?  Because someone out there is sitting, right now, next to their newborn child in the NICU and freaking out... disappointed... scared... and wondering what happened... if they can handle it.  Or a couple has been given pre-natal indicators that they won't have the child they dreamed of and are weighing their options.  I wrote a letter to that very person and people like him or her in the post "Dear You,".  We got through that difficult time - and Gavin helped us.  By telling his story from that time, we can spread hope.  Hope that things will be alright.  Hope that you can survive the unexpected.  Hope that your marriage will survive.

And me?  The one with the unstable history that proved time and again that I couldn't handle things well?  I am 1000% sure that was why I was chosen to be Gavin's mother.  He was my greatest teacher, this child.  And he showed me that I could, indeed, handle things - and get through difficult times. He inspired me to stay positive and focused and not wallow in self pity.

As Gavin grew, his problems also grew.  He was hospitalized for months with RSV and Botulism.  He had therapists coming to the house nearly every day.  We had to learn how to use oxygen, insert feeding tubes, manage feeding pumps and more.  We had to navigate the crazy insurance world and fight for things.  And it became my personal mission to research and find ways to heal Gavin - and heal ourselves.  Through all of these years, Gavin smiled.  And smiled.  And it made it easy for us to smile through everything, too.  And through all of those years, Gavin slowly busted down every negative prediction or diagnosis.  He held his head up... he sat up... he pulled to kneel... he crawled... his permanent hearing loss was restored... he avoided a permanent feeding tube and ate orally... and he even started taking steps - just four months before he died.  By telling these stories and showing the photos and videos of these milestones, we can spread inspiration.  We never believed anything - any diagnosis, any prediction - because it was Gavin's journey... not theirs.  I truly believed that he would be the one to show us what he was capable of.  And no diagnosis or label was going to get in the way. That would just keep him stuck - and us stuck.  "Oh, he'll probably not sit up?  Okay - then why try." "Oh, he won't eat?  Okay."  We refused to give up because Gavin showed us that he refused to give up.

And through all those years with Gavin, we faced even more obstacles.  Miscarriage after miscarriage - and the birth and death of our daughter, Darcy.  My diagnosis with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia.  Gavin's crisis with a corneal abrasion that nearly cost him his eye.  The death of my beloved Father.  But we got through it all.  We are proof that you really can survive anything.  And we want to share the good, the bad and the ugly so we can show others that they, too, can survive. 

Gavin endured much in his short life.  Sure, we were there - but it was HIM that went through it and did the hard work.  It was such an honor, as his parents, to witness his sweet nature... his persistence... his positive spirit.  When he died, that is one of the big reasons why it was an easy decision for us to donate his organs.  Why wouldn't we want to share this child with others?  And, regardless of how the organ donation turned out in the end, why wouldn't we want to share his inspiring life's journey as a way to encourage others to become organ donors?

Ed and I have grieved greatly for our son.  But we have also made a pact.  The two of us have a shared experience in Gavin.  We watched him come into the world - we watched him struggle - we watched him overcome - we watched him get snatched from us in a second.  There is no way that one of us would leave the other - literally or figuratively - to be alone with the memories of experiences that were meant to be shared.  It's just not happening.  

Gavin had a story to tell when he was here.  And Gavin has a story to tell still.  The story is different for each person who reads about him... and that's how it's supposed to be.  His life is filled with lessons and wisdom and hope.  It has been my honor, truly, to share all of him with the world.  And I have sat and read the comments and the emails and the posts about how touched people are by this little boy they've never met... how his story has inspired them in one way or another... how people have decided to change majors or careers because of Gavin's life... how parents have learned new ways to help their child... how parents have been given the energy boost they had needed to "keep on keeping on" with their child... and so, many more beautiful thoughts.  It has been humbling to watch our sweet little boy touch hearts and change perceptions and prove to people that every life matters.

Imagine... this little boy who never spoke touching lives all over the world.  Inspiring positivity and generosity and understanding.  Spreading a message - just with his life story - that you should never... ever... lose hope.

Imagine that.

That is why I'm sharing.  Gavin's voice deserves to be heard. And I am blessed - beyond blessed - to have been his Mommy... and his loudest mouthpiece.

What About Brian?!?...

This post is not for the faint of heart.  (Which, unfortunately, includes ME at this very moment!)

I started writing on CaringBridge back in early 2008, when Gavin was just months old and very sick in the hospital.  I created the CaringBridge page for the purpose of keeping family and friends in the loop about his health and progress.  I found, quite by accident, that writing was helping me cope with being cooped up in a hospital room with my first born son... pumping day and night with people in and out of the room... missing my husband who would come every night after work and then go home so he could sleep before work again... sharing a room with other patients and their families that would be admitted and discharged, admitted and discharged... and sleeping/eating/sitting/pumping/writing/crying on a metal cot next to his metal crib.  It was not easy - and writing about it helped me get through it.

Then we came home.

Gavin came home needing therapy - practically every day.  He was on a feeding tube.  Oxygen.  He had severe reflux and would cry day and night - night and day.  I continued writing on CaringBridge even though a few people told me I should stop.  That CaringBridge was only for "patients" while they're in the hospital.  (not true) My internal argument was that now I was the patient.  My writing would continue, dammit, no matter what anyone said.  Once again, it was helping me cope.

Then I was pregnant... Brian was born... life was hectic... I was juggling Gavin's many, many needs and an infant... and then a toddler... and then Brian's speech delay... and along the way, infertility and miscarriages and IVF and Darcy's death and therapy and more therapy and trying to keep things "normal" for everyone.  I would write and write and write and, once again, it helped me cope.  I wasn't writing for feedback (although I did receive some excellent tips from other special needs Moms along the way), but I got it anyway.  And sometimes... it was not so nice.  For example, I wrote about my idea of "Love Bombing" - not knowing that it was actually a real "thing."  I had been noticing that Brian, at the time, had been acting up - something that was not normal for him.  He was little and had no way of communicating what was really going on inside of his little mind and heart - so he used his behavior to try to tell us.  I decided he needed a day devoted to him - a Love Bomb Day.  That focusing just on him would show him that he was valued... important... and that we could have fun just the two of us.  Once I instituted random "Love Bomb Days" - his behavior changed.  And I enjoyed those days with Gavin, too.  I got some heat for that on this blog... and in my email.  Comments like, "Gee - I wish someone would take me out for the day and spoil me every time I whine and act up!"  and  "The way you spoil your children is insane." or "You're rewarding negative behavior!"   What is Love Bombing?  It's just time that you are 100% devoted to your child and have fun together.  Where you say "yes" to everything (within reason, obviously).  Ice cream before dinner?  Sure!  Want to play this game for the fortieth time?  I'd love to!  Want me to watch you bounce in a bounce house for an hour?  Sign me up!  I'm pretty sure they had entirely missed the point of "Love Bombing."  Whatever.  I moved on and I'm sure they did, too, to another blog.

So, today was one of those Love Bomb days.  For no reason - it wasn't spurred on by anything.  That's how it usually works around here.  Every so often, for no good reason and spurred on by nothing, the boys would be surprised with a Love Bomb day with Mommy or Daddy.  It is something we all love.  Brian chose to go to his favorite place, "Arnold's Family Fun Center."  This was one of Gavin's favorite places, too!

Brian bounced...

...and jumped...

...we played a TON of video games and carnival like games...

...we did Duckpin Bowling and, when he kicked my butt, we celebrated his big win with a Hershey Kiss.

When he saw the big animal figures near the carousel, a memory was triggered for him.  He said, "Mama - take my picture in the lion's mouth like you did for Gavin!"

So I gladly did.

Then... "Take my picture with the bear for Granny!"

So I did.  Gladly.

We went to Target afterward because they sell these orange "push pops" (filled with orange sherbet) that Brian loves.  And I let him pick out a toy.  We had an awesome afternoon together.

So, when I came home to an email that brought me down from my "Brian high" - it was the one final push that brought down the entire house of cards.  It was the last straw.  My breaking point.

This is what it said... 

< Kate, I'm very concerned about Brian's emotional well being.  All day long you're posting on Facebook and all it is is Gavin.  We hardly would know that you had another son.  Don't you think he'll look back on this time and feel forgotten?  Your readers want to get to know Brian and not just hear about Gavin.  I'm sorry for your loss, but please think of your other son. >

Oh, did this make my blood boil.  Typically I can write things off that don't apply to me or our family... I can chalk things up to people just not knowing the entire story.  But today it pissed me off.  I can't help it - I'm human.  This particular person is not the first to make this kind of comment.  There have been others... little comments under photos of Gavin and emails that were a little more subtle.  And I'm sure, even after this journal entry, they will still arrive.  Yet I will still continue to write tonight - hoping that I can get a message across to all of you.

Please.

Stop.

Here is the deal.  Gavin died.  We were left in shock.  And I was shocked to be pregnant.  And we have Brian, who misses his brother terribly.  But he's also four and grieves WAY differently than an adult.  He's active and busy and talkative.  My days are exhausting.  I have been determined not to complain - at all - about my pregnancy.  Mostly because I truly have nothing to complain about.  But if you're wondering... I have suffered terribly with allergies this entire time.  Constant congestion, feeling like I'm in a fog every day, blowing my nose, clearing my throat and having sinus headaches.  I also have pretty bad (okay, really bad) sciatica which I always get.  And at night?  I have restless leg - another common pregnancy deal for me.  I'm tired - but I can't be.  I'm mothering Brian all day.  I'm dropping him off and picking him up from Pre-School - overjoyed to see him.  I'm playing with him and reading to him and turning on the TV at times for him so I can just... sit.  I lay with him every single night at bedtime after a book (I never laid with him at bedtime until Gavin died) and we talk.  He always wants to talk about Gavin and his feelings.  I treasure this time.  Brian is handling things so well and - quite frankly - we are handling him quite well.  If you are new to the page or to my blog and are one of the ones wondering, "What about Brian?!?" - then I would urge you to read more.  Go back to older posts.  Get to know how we operate as a family.  You'll see how much we dote on Brian - in the past and now.

For a while, Brian and I were going through the photos on the computer to choose to share on Facebook.  He loved it.  Know why?  Because these were HIS memories, too!  Many of the photos and videos I posted had him IN them.  And many of the ones I posted were CHOSEN by him.  He has been loving this walk down memory lane and laughing at his baby pictures and videos.  Especially the ones of him and Gavin together.  So, I was not ignoring Brian to sit on Facebook.  And then I figured out how to schedule posts ahead of time - which is what I do now.  The photos and videos are chosen the night before and I schedule them to automatically post every two hours from 8am to 8pm.

The Facebook Page has become a bit of a memorial page at the moment as I post these memories of Gavin until the end of his life.  It just kind of happened that way.  I still write about Brian on that page - when there's something I want to share that I don't write in my journal entries.  Going through Gavin's life - just because - is important to me.  And knowing that others are learning new tips and tricks that I picked up along the way - things that can help the "Gavins" in their lives - means so much to me.  And I appreciate... SO much... the kind comments and the wonderful support.

Grieving publicly is a choice I have made - but it isn't up for dissection.  If you read my blog posts... or if you knew our family... you would never think that Brian's needs - emotionally or otherwise - were neglected.  And if you think that the amount of photos on my page reflect anything - the amount of attention he gets, favoritism, neglect - than we have other issues to discuss.  As much as you shouldn't look at a photo and assume I'm a good housewife or a fashionista or even an "amazing" anything... don't assume you know the whole story if you DON'T see a photo.

Listen - Gavin is dead.  Once I finish going through these pictures... I won't EVER have any other new ones to share.  You can't begin to imagine how much that wrecks me.  I took photos of the boys nearly every single day.  I really need you to realize the gravity of this for me - when I get to April of 2013 in my photos... it's over.  I will be at the end of Gavin's life.  Just as I've always needed my writing to cope... I need to share his life in this way to cope.  After I reach April 14th, 2013 - the day Gavin died, the day I turned 43 and the day we discovered Hope was in my womb - it will be over.  And then, you will grow tired of seeing way too many photos of Brian and Hope.  And I'll sit back and anticipate the emails that will say... "What about Gavin?"

So, please... 

Brian is great.  

Hope is growing and kicking like crazy.

Ed and I are putting one foot in front of the other.

We are trying our best to honor Gavin in every way while balancing that with parenting Brian and making sure he feels loved and heard and important.

I am grieving out loud - which is not normal, I know.  But this outlet ensures that I can leave it all here and then be "there" for Brian and Ed and Hope.

I hope that helps clear things up.  Thank you for your compassionate understanding and seeing the pain through this long rant.

Kinda Wordless...

I thought I'd try to make this a "Wordless" post and share all the amazing (I mean TOTALLY amazing) photos from Brian's successful (and I mean TOTAL turnaround from yesterday!) swim lesson.  He had the time of his life.  See - I'm already failing at being wordless.  I'm too full of words.  If you get through all the photos, I have a few more words for you at the bottom that you might like a lot.

The morning started off a little rocky and Brian was crying at the side of the pool.  I decided to pretend I didn't see him (which felt horrible) every time he looked my way.  I just kept a perma-grin, excited look on my face.  Next time I looked his way, he was doing this...

...and this...

...and raising his hand to go "first"...

...and I've saved the best video for last.  Be sure to watch until the adorable end...

Wow - so much for wordless.

Anyway!  I decided to do something special every Monday on my Chasing Rainbows Facebook page. Yes, I know that today is Tuesday.  Let's move on.  I can make it right next week.  (Hopefully on Monday.)  Here's my great idea.  Every day I get many, many requests from people hoping to share their causes, facebook pages, blogs, voting links... what have you.  I had to make the difficult decision to say no to everyone - because I couldn't say yes to everyone!  And there was no way I could or would pick and choose.  To me, everyone is important.  The only things I share are those things or people that I have a personal connection with.  Truly, if I said yes to everyone - my page would be completely filled, every day, with other people's links and pages, etc.  

So...from now on, every Monday, I will post this on my Facebook Page:

"Share yourself!"

Then, you are welcome to post your blog, your page, your cause, your website - whatever you want as a COMMENT under that post...and that post only, so everyone will see it.  Then everyone can read through and discover new friends, inspiration, people who need help...etc.  It seems like it's finally something I can do that will allow people the exposure they are seeking without changing my page.  My page started out as a small page dedicated to my blog - which is dedicated to my family and our story.  I really like it that way.  But I really like this idea, too!  So, I'm off to create that post tonight... and I hope to see you Share Yourself!!

(Wow.  I am really bad at this wordless thing.)

Oh, and one more thing.  Gavin's school is on a summer break at the moment, which means that the first plans for the funds in "Gavin's Trust Project" are not completed yet.  Last time I communicated with them, they were still working on figuring out items they would need for new students starting in the Fall.  They are not rushing into purchases, which I appreciate!  I will be SURE to give a great update with lots of details when decisions are made!  I can't tell you how grateful they are for this incredible fund that just keeps growing and growing.  I am still open for donations - anytime - and you can find the link always on the right side of this blog.  Gavin will be part of so many lives of kids like him...hopefully for many years to come.

A true superhero.

I Can Hear Gavin Laughing...

It's a beautiful gift to watch Brian grieve in his own way for Gavin.  I say it's a gift because Brian is so open to talking about his brother... his death... and his feelings.  And I'm grateful that I'm here with him all the time to listen... to watch... and, quite frankly, to learn.

I could learn a lot about grieving from Brian.

On the way home from school today:

"Mama, I told my friend Aidan that I missed Gavin.  And guess what he said?  He said he missed Gavin, too.  Wasn't that nice?"

"Yeah, Brian... that was really nice of him.  I think a lot of people miss Gavin.  But I bet he misses YOU the most."

"Yeah.  I know he does."

Outside playing before lunch:

"Mama!  Take a picture of me on the bike so you can show Daddy.  He'll be so proud of me!"

Brian has had ZERO interest in riding a bike - any bike.  We've had this tricycle in the basement - which he totally outgrew after never riding it - but he wanted me to bring it up.  He's VERY proud of himself for trying it out.

"Can you mail that picture to Heaven's House?  I want Gavin to see it, too.  He'll be proud of me, too."

"Yes he will, Brian!!  I bet he's watching you right now and jumping up and down with joy!!"

After lunch:

"Mama, I'm ready to take a rest now."

"Ummm..... okay, Bri.  That's a surprise!"  I've not put him down for a nap for weeks.

"I want to go play with Gavin in his bed."

Gulp.

While zipping him into Gavin's bed at his request:

"Mama?  Why is everyone sad that Gavin died?"

"Well, it's sad when people die.  And it's especially sad when you love that person so, so much like we love Gavin.  Sometimes Mommy cries a lot because I miss Gavin so much.  And sometimes Daddy cries a lot because he misses him, too.  Do you cry?"

"No.  I don't cry.  But I miss Gavin.  Does Daddy cry because he can't tickle Gavin anymore?"

"I think that's part of it, buddy.  Daddy and Gavin used to love playing the tickle game, didn't they?"

"Mama?"

"Yes, Brian?"

"It's okay.  God is tickling Gavin in Heaven's House.  I can hear Gavin laughing from here."

"You can?  You are SO LUCKY!!  I wish I could hear Gavin laughing in Heaven!!!!!!!!!"

"You can, silly!  You just have to LISTEN!!"

"You're right, Brian.  That is good advice."

"What's advice?"

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This morning, after dropping Brian off at preschool, I nervously drove to the doctor.  I am so lucky that the Fertility Clinic that we went to for years is allowing me to come in for early monitoring - even though I haven't been a patient there in over a year.  It's such a relief to know everything is okay.  And today, everything was okay.  I had another glimpse of Project Hope.  Here is a video where you can see the strong heartbeat.

It was a huge relief.

And if you're looking at the video and wondering if there are two babies in there... there aren't.  The other "thing" is the yolk sac.  Just one baby.

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I (with great anxiety) feel like I need to (reluctantly) address something that has been (true story) happening at least ten (usually more) times a day.

I am asked (a lot) if I will share people's Facebook pages, causes, fundraisers, blogs, businesses and more.  I'm asked to place things on my blog.  I'm asked to solicit support on my FaceBook page.  I'm asked to "Like" others pages.  It is overwhelming me... and I want to (nervously, but so, so sincerely) explain why.

I am a people pleaser and I really, really hate to say no to people.  I do.  I also love to help people - but am realizing, sadly, that I can't help everyone.  If I say yes to one person... I have to say yes to every person.  Soon, readers who come to see what's going on with Brian... or read about Gavin... will be inundated with my promotions for other people's families, causes, businesses, fundraisers... do you see what I'm trying to say?  I decided to create a "policy" of sorts to respectfully say no to everyone.  Because I can't say yes to everyone, which is my nature.

I also can't give you money.  Or ship you Gavin's things.  Or his clothes.  Or give you my phone number.  (Yes, all of these things have been asked of me.)

Please don't look me up and call my home... or stop by.  It's just not appropriate.

I don't like doing this - I hate it, actually.  I realize that my page has suddenly exploded... and I get that being on my page right now might bring more attention to yours.  But if I'm being really honest, during this time (or any time, really) when I'm dealing with the death of my son - it makes me feel very used.  I don't like that feeling.  I do, however, like you.  And I'm not looking to hurt anyone's feelings.  So, if you'll stop asking... then I won't suffer from anxiety trying to come up with a response to you that won't hurt your feelings.  Because I really, really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  So... can we agree on that?  

I really loved when my Chasing Rainbows Facebook Page wall was filled with the wonderful things people were doing in Gavin's memory - random acts of kindness, volunteering, etc.  It would make me so happy to see more of that and less requests of me.  I am tired... and I can't afford to expend extra energy on fielding multiple (and I mean big time multiple) emails a day asking for more more more.

I hope, with all my heart, you understand.