It Comes With The Territory...

Writing a blog can be a very interesting experience.  You are able to share the good, the bad... really, you can share whatever you want.  I happen to share a lot.  But in doing so, you open yourself up to the good (which is good!) and the bad (which is just kind of weird, if you ask me) and sometimes... the ugly.

It comes with the territory, I suppose.

Back in the day, this blog was really just a small journal that I started to keep family and friends informed of Gavin's progress during an intense and long hospitalization.  It grew over the years, but it was still small - and people kind of "got me."

Now... this blog has grown bigger than I ever (in my wildest dreams) could have imagined.  Which means I feel I need to write differently.  I feel like I have to choose my words - and describe everything in such a perfect way so as not to be misinterpreted.  That's really hard to do, let me tell you.

The other day my journal entry, "What It Feels Like Seven Months Later," is a perfect example.  In that entry I really vented my feelings... about, well, what it feels like seven months after losing our 5 1/2 year old son while simultaneously anticipating the surprise of a daughter while simultaneously parenting a grieving 4 year old.  I also vented about those "end of pregnancy feelings" that most Moms go through.  The exhaustion... the worries... the guilt... the fears.  I wrote that I have been dealing with high blood pressure issues related to my pregnancy and how they are keeping an eye out for preeclampsia.  It turned out that I ended up in Labor and Delivery because my blood pressures weren't responding to my medication (which has now been adjusted) the next day.  The timing made a lot of people connect those two things - Kate was super stressed and emotional and ended up in the hospital.  I suppose I should have expected the deluge of mail that included lectures... armchair therapists... and ridiculous comments like "go lay in bed and stop trying to do everything or your baby will die!"  I could list a lot more of the ridiculous comments, but I will spare you.

So I thought I would lay out some facts so everyone is on the same page - and no one has to worry that I'm doing anything - in any way - to bring harm to myself or this baby.  

1.  I had high blood pressure during the end of Gavin's pregnancy.  I do not have a history of high blood pressure - it was pregnancy induced.  Once you have a pregnancy with blood pressure issues, your chances of it cropping up again in other pregnancies is high.  So, no surprise, I had high blood pressure issues at the end of Brian's pregnancy.  And here I am again... at the end with Hope.  After every pregnancy, my pressures have returned back to normal.  I fully expect this will be the case after Hope is born.

2.  My blood pressure issues are more of a physiological response to my pregnancy and not necessarily worsened by stress.  That being said - I have carried this pregnancy successfully under extremely stressful circumstances - we just lost a child.  The fact that Hope is here at all is a miracle. And the fact that I am 35 weeks (and one day!) at the age of 43 is a miracle to me, too.  I set it up at home so that I actually have very LITTLE stress at this stage of my pregnancy.  It was the reason I set up her nursery so early... set up the equipment all over the house... washed all of her clothes and blankets and burp cloths and onesies.  It was the reason why I bought, assembled, wrapped and hid all the Christmas presents so early... created, addressed and stamped all the Christmas cards so they are ready to go... put up the Christmas tree and prepared for Brian's December 16th birthday.  I have nothing more to "do" or "prepare" - except grow this baby as long as I can.

3.  I do not have preeclampsia.  They are keeping a close eye on me for signs of preeclampsia, which means that I have excellent medical care.  I go for non stress tests twice a week to monitor the baby... I check my blood pressures at home to keep track of them... I get frequent blood and urine tests to check my levels and to be sure I'm not spilling protein... and when I do have to go to the hospital, I am closely monitored there.  Every single time there has been a problem - it has had NOTHING to do with Hope. She has been growing appropriately and always performs perfectly when they put her on the monitor.

4.  I am not on bedrest - nor does my OB WANT me to be on bedrest.  He said "try to put your feet up" to help with my swollen feet and ankles.  I laughed because, well, I have a four year old.  But the truth is - I drive Brian to school... come home... and I either sit on the couch or sit on my bed until pick up at noon.  Yes, there are seven hours with him until bedtime - but we aren't playing tag or running up and down the stairs and you'll never catch me getting up and down off the floor.  We're sitting on the couch or painting at the art table or, quite frankly, he's watching way too much TV if I can convince him.  But those seven hours can be exhausting because they just are.  I'm sorry, but I think they can be exhausting even if you're NOT at the end of a pregnancy.

5.  Back to the bedrest thing.  My OB actually prefers me walking around to keep the circulation flowing.  Laying in bed for too long puts me at risk for blood clots.  I take all of this seriously - please know this.

6.  I've had several people tell me that I should stop my blog - that it's causing too much stress and taking too much time.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  These are usually the same people that tell me that I'm also trying to spend too much time with Brian and that I need to find time to rest so I'm not so stressed.  And these are also people that don't know me personally.  So let me explain.  My Facebook page pretty much runs itself right now.  Gavin's photos are scheduled until the end.  The last photo will be this Friday night at 6pm, followed by a really special video at 8pm.  I do go on the page and try to read and respond to all the mail and comments - but I don't have to worry about the photos. My blog, when I write an entry, takes all of 10-15 minutes of my time.  I think... and I type... and I push "publish."  That method of thinking and typing can get me into trouble sometimes, but that's just how I write.  Let's take the venting post from the other day and use it as an example.  I wrote that post because, that day, I was really feeling overwhelmed.  Can you blame me?  The way I cope is to get it out.  I wrote about it... I posted it... I felt better... and the next day, I was back to normal.  It works for me.  Maybe it doesn't work for everyone, and that's okay!  But it works for me.  So telling me to stop writing - and then also telling me that I need to find a way to "de-stress" - doesn't make sense.  My writing IS my way of de-stressing.

7.  Venting like I did (and have done - and likely will do again) opens me up to a lot of advice and critiquing and criticism.  I get it.  But, just as in real life, when people "vent" they aren't always looking for you to "fix it."  Sometimes it's okay to just be a present observer... a kind supporter... you don't even have to say anything at all!  Sometimes, just like in real life, people just want to be heard.

8.  It is likely that I will have to go back to the hospital - multiple times or one more time or maybe even today - and it's possible that Hope will be born early.  If this happens, it is not due to me not taking care of myself.  It is not due to me writing.  It is not due to me playing Star Wars with Brian. Please do not infer that it is... because you will be wrong.  Out of all of my pregnancies, this has been the most perfect.  Can you believe that?  We expected these blood pressure issues. But I've never had a more perfect pregnancy - her weight right now is great - and I wouldn't need to receive injections to mature her lungs if I went into preterm labor or if my blood pressures force an early delivery.  This is all good news.  And, to be honest with you, I am extremely proud of myself for how well this pregnancy has gone under the circumstances.  Extremely.  I have had to manage a lot and I feel like I've been handling things well.  No one can make me feel differently about that.

9.  It is, thankfully, not that often anymore that I get mean and hateful comments or mail.  But it does happen.  It just happened yesterday when someone told me, among other things, that "you are so immersed in death that you are emotionally unavailable for Brian."  Listen - I have really learned to let these comments go... all they do is show the person for who they are.  My method in handling them now is this:  I realize that they don't know what they are talking about... or they are just plain mean and are trying to get a rise out of people... or they are projecting their own "stuff" onto my experiences... or they are possibly mentally unstable... and I delete the comment, say a prayer for them and move on.  

10.  I don't have a ten.  So I will say this - I am so, so grateful that so many of you are concerned about me... about Hope... about our family.  I know that so many of you have the best intentions and have become very invested in this little girl who, truly, is being dropped from Heaven.  It warms my heart to know that she will be born into a world that already has so much love for her.

It's all going to be fine.  I just know it.  We are all continuing to believe Hope born when she is ready... and we will all trust that she has many, many angels surrounding her.  It's all going to be fine.

What It Feels Like Seven Months Later...

Warning!  Warning!  There's still time to turn back!  This post might be a little... rough around the edges.  You've been warned...

I'm a mess.

I'm sure some of it (hopefully a lot of it?) has to do with pregnancy hormones.  The kind that make it hard to stop crying.

I know a lot of it is because I'm tired.  Very tired.  And grieving my little boy who has now been gone seven months and seven days.  And growing a baby under a broken heart. Well, technically her feet are under my heart because she is head down and getting ready to meet us.  Which means we are close... which is why I am so tired.  And emotional.

It's a rite of passage for every Mom to get emotional towards the end of a pregnancy - and to worry, if she has other children, that she will have time for both.  I am no different... but this is a little more complicated.

Brian and I have been joined at the hip these last seven months and seven days.  I have talked incessantly about Gavin's death and his life with him - every night at bedtime and often during the day.  When I would have loved to have farmed him out to generous friends and neighbors and even strangers who were willing to play with him, I often (not always - but often!) resisted.  I never wanted him to feel abandoned by me... regardless of what I might have needed. Like silence.  Like time alone to throw boxes against the garage wall.  Like a day without Star Wars or Angry Birds.

Lately, he is exhibiting more grief.  It comes out in behaviors... it shows up in physical symptoms... and he can sometimes verbalize it.  He's acting out here and there (which is very unusual for him) - and he's a little more clingy with me.  Today we talked about Gavin for the majority of the day and I addressed his concerns about Gavin missing Christmas and Brian's birthday and more.

Here's the ugly truth:  I am 100% patient with his needs and his questions and trying to figure out when his behavior needs correction and when it needs "love bombing" - but part of me wants to scream... "WHY NOW???"

And then the guilt.

I feel horrible for even FEELING or THINKING "why now" - of COURSE it's now!  There are so many things that are about to change!  He's probably scared!  Nervous!  Missing his brother!  What a jerk I am!!!!!

But I am so, so tired.  And, as I am closely monitored for signs of preeclampsia, I am worried too.  And scared.  As I watch my feet and ankles and calves swell and swell - I hear my doctor's voice telling me to keep my feet up.  Then I hear myself laughing at him and asking him, "When?"

I hear all day, "Mama - play with me?"  So we paint... and we play Darth Vader and the Storm Troopers... and I try to mentally stay present while he jabbers on about X Wing Fighters and Ewoks and Luke Skywalker.  Today I took him to the movies - just so I could sit in relative silence.  But mostly so I could sit and cry in the dark... which I did.  

I want him to know that I'm here for him.  That we're in this together (when Daddy isn't here!).  That I will listen to him - always.  That Hope is not a replacement... for him OR for Gavin.  It's a lot of pressure right now.

And then there's the Facebook Page photo journey I've been on.  It started before Gavin's birthday.  I thought I could share his entire life in photos and memories leading up to his September birthday.  I quickly realized that this was an impossible task.  This project has taken on a life of its own. The response and the outpouring of love for Gavin... the way it has helped and inspired people just by sharing his journey or things that we did with him... the way people look forward to seeing each picture... it's been humbling.  I am now about three months away (in pictures) from the day he died.  The end of Gavin's pictures will likely blend right into the birth of Hope.  I couldn't have planned that if I tried.

Lots of people have been asking what will happen when the pictures end.  I don't know how to answer that.  Gavin will never be gone from our family - and he will always be represented on this blog and on the Facebook page.  My blog has always been about our family... and I won't - I can't! - stop writing.  But it will change back to "normal" (whatever the hell that is) when I get to the end of my pictures.  You'll still see Gavin and hear memories when they come up - but you'll also learn about Brian's new milestones.  And you'll get to know Gavin's little sister, Hope, who deserves as much space as her brothers have received in my journals.

I am making up this "living life without Gavin" thing as I go along.  I don't have a great plan except to keep showing up here and sharing my heart.  Even when it's in fragments.

Especially when it's in fragments.

I'm a mess.  Seven months and seven days is a long time to be without your first born child while anticipating your last.  I miss Gavin so much - it seems more now than ever.

I would really appreciate your positive thoughts and prayers during these last days and weeks of my pregnancy.  And please don't forget Brian and Ed.  Brian, especially, who seems to really be feeling it lately.  I will worry so much about his needs when Hope is born.  

If you made it this far, I'm impressed.

Mommy's Scary Day...

If you are on my Facebook Page, you already know by now that I was in the hospital yesterday.  I was having some symptoms that made me nervous and my Obstetrician had me go get checked out in Labor and Delivery.  Ed was at work and Brian was due to be picked up at school.  Lucky for me, Miss Sara was around and she came over immediately while I went to pick up Brian.  I dropped him off at home for a fun afternoon with Sara while I headed to the hospital.

 I chose to go alone and assumed it would all work out.  And anyway, we had had plans to attend a huge "family outing" with Ed's company that afternoon - and it included bringing donated items for kids that I had all ready to go.  I wanted Ed to still go with Brian so at least some of us were having fun!

Halfway to the hospital (which is about 30 minutes away) - I started to worry that it wasn't a good idea.  But I brushed it off.  I parked the car and headed up the elevator and as I rounded the corner - I suddenly felt a wave of dread wash over me.

The last time I was in this hallway... on this floor... was the five days I spent here delivering Darcy Claire.  It was then that I got scared.  This couldn't happen to me again.  God wouldn't let this happen to me again, would He?

I had been feeling Hope move the entire time, so I wasn't worried that anything had happened to her.  I'm so grateful that she moves so much - and so dramatically!  You can see my belly rock and rise and wave.  

The nurse set me up on the monitor to see what Hope was up to... and put me on continuous blood pressure monitoring.  Then they attempted to take blood.  Oh boy.  I'm a tough stick on a good day (and so was Gavin. Unfortunately he must have inherited that from me, poor kid) but today was ridiculous.  It took them six tries before they were able to get it - it wasn't pretty.

They had concerns that I might be showing signs of Preeclampsia.  I have never had Preeclampsia, but both Gavin AND Brian were delivered early and rather urgently because I was showing signs of it.  The night Gavin was born my blood pressures were "near stroke level" I was told.  And with Brian, who was born full term - but earlier than my scheduled date, I went into the hospital to be checked because my home blood pressures were high and I was having headaches.  I had even (reluctantly) been on blood pressure medication during his pregnancy as a precaution.  After keeping me for hours, the doctor determined it would be safest for me to remain in the hospital on bedrest for the next two weeks until Brian was born.  I was crushed - how could I leave Gavin for that long?  Brian must have heard me because my blood pressures rose dangerously high and he was born that night.

All of these memories were swirling around in my head as I laid in the bed waiting... and waiting... and waiting for the verdict.  I am not going to lie - I was so, so scared.  I actually started preparing myself for not only how I would handle a possible crisis - but how I would explain it all to Brian.  The last person I wanted to suffer another loss was him.

I also started giving Hope a pep talk.  How she had to stay put - had to keep making us laugh with her "belly dancing."

I told her that she had a closet FILLED with clothes just waiting for her to put on daily fashion shows for thousands of people who can't wait to "meet' her.

And that she had a Godmother, Miss Sara, who provided probably HALF of those very outfits.  (She has excellent taste, by the way)

I told her that she had a brother - the one who's voice she hears every day - that can't wait to help take care of her and teach her how to play Angry Bird Star Wars.  And then, worrying that might not be the best argument - I told her that she has a Granny that gives the greatest snuggles and tickly back rubs.  And a Daddy that she will easily wrap around her finger.

I told her that she has incredible guardian angels that will help her stay put until Christmas... and will be with her every day of her life.  And that her sister, Darcy's, Madeline doll... her brother, Gavin's, favorite giraffe baby rattle - and blanket "guys" that both of her brothers loved are waiting for her to love.

When I saw my OB walk into the room... and when he told me I would be going home... I wanted to burst into tears.  I was so grateful after a very long afternoon of worry and fear.

He told me that my blood pressures were up and down during my stay.  I don't want to jump into taking blood pressure medication - so I will be closely monitoring my pressure at home for a week before we make the decision.  Obviously, I will do anything to keep me and Hope safe.  He also said he saw contractions on the monitor (which I had been feeling) - but it was nothing to worry about right now.  The tough part for me during pregnancies is that I have an "irritable uterus" which makes me feel like I'm having contractions... which often leads me to worry that I won't know when it's "real."  So the next 2 1/2 to 3 months could be rough for me.

I have officially hit the third trimester as of today - which is just unbelievable.  On Tuesday, I'll get another glimpse of our daughter on ultrasound.  Hopefully I'll come home with great pictures - even 3D - that I can share.  I still can't believe I'm even pregnant sometimes.  But my belly at this point is HUGE and it's getting harder and harder to get up and down with Brian - go up the stairs - and, well, even walk at times.  Each event is like a marathon for me!  I'm very tired.  But make no mistake - I am so, very grateful.  I love being pregnant and in many ways I wish it had all gone slower.  Especially because with each pregnancy milestone I reach, I am further away from the day Gavin died.  As of today, it's five months and twenty two days since my birthday... saying goodbye to Gavin... and realizing we were pregnant - all in the same day.

But I'm still believing in Hope.

No matter what.

I can't... I won't... I will never lose hope.

Thank you to all who "sat" with me virtually while I was in the hospital yesterday.  Even though I chose to go there alone... I never really was.