It Comes With The Territory...

Writing a blog can be a very interesting experience.  You are able to share the good, the bad... really, you can share whatever you want.  I happen to share a lot.  But in doing so, you open yourself up to the good (which is good!) and the bad (which is just kind of weird, if you ask me) and sometimes... the ugly.

It comes with the territory, I suppose.

Back in the day, this blog was really just a small journal that I started to keep family and friends informed of Gavin's progress during an intense and long hospitalization.  It grew over the years, but it was still small - and people kind of "got me."

Now... this blog has grown bigger than I ever (in my wildest dreams) could have imagined.  Which means I feel I need to write differently.  I feel like I have to choose my words - and describe everything in such a perfect way so as not to be misinterpreted.  That's really hard to do, let me tell you.

The other day my journal entry, "What It Feels Like Seven Months Later," is a perfect example.  In that entry I really vented my feelings... about, well, what it feels like seven months after losing our 5 1/2 year old son while simultaneously anticipating the surprise of a daughter while simultaneously parenting a grieving 4 year old.  I also vented about those "end of pregnancy feelings" that most Moms go through.  The exhaustion... the worries... the guilt... the fears.  I wrote that I have been dealing with high blood pressure issues related to my pregnancy and how they are keeping an eye out for preeclampsia.  It turned out that I ended up in Labor and Delivery because my blood pressures weren't responding to my medication (which has now been adjusted) the next day.  The timing made a lot of people connect those two things - Kate was super stressed and emotional and ended up in the hospital.  I suppose I should have expected the deluge of mail that included lectures... armchair therapists... and ridiculous comments like "go lay in bed and stop trying to do everything or your baby will die!"  I could list a lot more of the ridiculous comments, but I will spare you.

So I thought I would lay out some facts so everyone is on the same page - and no one has to worry that I'm doing anything - in any way - to bring harm to myself or this baby.  

1.  I had high blood pressure during the end of Gavin's pregnancy.  I do not have a history of high blood pressure - it was pregnancy induced.  Once you have a pregnancy with blood pressure issues, your chances of it cropping up again in other pregnancies is high.  So, no surprise, I had high blood pressure issues at the end of Brian's pregnancy.  And here I am again... at the end with Hope.  After every pregnancy, my pressures have returned back to normal.  I fully expect this will be the case after Hope is born.

2.  My blood pressure issues are more of a physiological response to my pregnancy and not necessarily worsened by stress.  That being said - I have carried this pregnancy successfully under extremely stressful circumstances - we just lost a child.  The fact that Hope is here at all is a miracle. And the fact that I am 35 weeks (and one day!) at the age of 43 is a miracle to me, too.  I set it up at home so that I actually have very LITTLE stress at this stage of my pregnancy.  It was the reason I set up her nursery so early... set up the equipment all over the house... washed all of her clothes and blankets and burp cloths and onesies.  It was the reason why I bought, assembled, wrapped and hid all the Christmas presents so early... created, addressed and stamped all the Christmas cards so they are ready to go... put up the Christmas tree and prepared for Brian's December 16th birthday.  I have nothing more to "do" or "prepare" - except grow this baby as long as I can.

3.  I do not have preeclampsia.  They are keeping a close eye on me for signs of preeclampsia, which means that I have excellent medical care.  I go for non stress tests twice a week to monitor the baby... I check my blood pressures at home to keep track of them... I get frequent blood and urine tests to check my levels and to be sure I'm not spilling protein... and when I do have to go to the hospital, I am closely monitored there.  Every single time there has been a problem - it has had NOTHING to do with Hope. She has been growing appropriately and always performs perfectly when they put her on the monitor.

4.  I am not on bedrest - nor does my OB WANT me to be on bedrest.  He said "try to put your feet up" to help with my swollen feet and ankles.  I laughed because, well, I have a four year old.  But the truth is - I drive Brian to school... come home... and I either sit on the couch or sit on my bed until pick up at noon.  Yes, there are seven hours with him until bedtime - but we aren't playing tag or running up and down the stairs and you'll never catch me getting up and down off the floor.  We're sitting on the couch or painting at the art table or, quite frankly, he's watching way too much TV if I can convince him.  But those seven hours can be exhausting because they just are.  I'm sorry, but I think they can be exhausting even if you're NOT at the end of a pregnancy.

5.  Back to the bedrest thing.  My OB actually prefers me walking around to keep the circulation flowing.  Laying in bed for too long puts me at risk for blood clots.  I take all of this seriously - please know this.

6.  I've had several people tell me that I should stop my blog - that it's causing too much stress and taking too much time.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  These are usually the same people that tell me that I'm also trying to spend too much time with Brian and that I need to find time to rest so I'm not so stressed.  And these are also people that don't know me personally.  So let me explain.  My Facebook page pretty much runs itself right now.  Gavin's photos are scheduled until the end.  The last photo will be this Friday night at 6pm, followed by a really special video at 8pm.  I do go on the page and try to read and respond to all the mail and comments - but I don't have to worry about the photos. My blog, when I write an entry, takes all of 10-15 minutes of my time.  I think... and I type... and I push "publish."  That method of thinking and typing can get me into trouble sometimes, but that's just how I write.  Let's take the venting post from the other day and use it as an example.  I wrote that post because, that day, I was really feeling overwhelmed.  Can you blame me?  The way I cope is to get it out.  I wrote about it... I posted it... I felt better... and the next day, I was back to normal.  It works for me.  Maybe it doesn't work for everyone, and that's okay!  But it works for me.  So telling me to stop writing - and then also telling me that I need to find a way to "de-stress" - doesn't make sense.  My writing IS my way of de-stressing.

7.  Venting like I did (and have done - and likely will do again) opens me up to a lot of advice and critiquing and criticism.  I get it.  But, just as in real life, when people "vent" they aren't always looking for you to "fix it."  Sometimes it's okay to just be a present observer... a kind supporter... you don't even have to say anything at all!  Sometimes, just like in real life, people just want to be heard.

8.  It is likely that I will have to go back to the hospital - multiple times or one more time or maybe even today - and it's possible that Hope will be born early.  If this happens, it is not due to me not taking care of myself.  It is not due to me writing.  It is not due to me playing Star Wars with Brian. Please do not infer that it is... because you will be wrong.  Out of all of my pregnancies, this has been the most perfect.  Can you believe that?  We expected these blood pressure issues. But I've never had a more perfect pregnancy - her weight right now is great - and I wouldn't need to receive injections to mature her lungs if I went into preterm labor or if my blood pressures force an early delivery.  This is all good news.  And, to be honest with you, I am extremely proud of myself for how well this pregnancy has gone under the circumstances.  Extremely.  I have had to manage a lot and I feel like I've been handling things well.  No one can make me feel differently about that.

9.  It is, thankfully, not that often anymore that I get mean and hateful comments or mail.  But it does happen.  It just happened yesterday when someone told me, among other things, that "you are so immersed in death that you are emotionally unavailable for Brian."  Listen - I have really learned to let these comments go... all they do is show the person for who they are.  My method in handling them now is this:  I realize that they don't know what they are talking about... or they are just plain mean and are trying to get a rise out of people... or they are projecting their own "stuff" onto my experiences... or they are possibly mentally unstable... and I delete the comment, say a prayer for them and move on.  

10.  I don't have a ten.  So I will say this - I am so, so grateful that so many of you are concerned about me... about Hope... about our family.  I know that so many of you have the best intentions and have become very invested in this little girl who, truly, is being dropped from Heaven.  It warms my heart to know that she will be born into a world that already has so much love for her.

It's all going to be fine.  I just know it.  We are all continuing to believe Hope born when she is ready... and we will all trust that she has many, many angels surrounding her.  It's all going to be fine.

A Bunch of Randomness...

I'm feeling a little... blah.  

I know I need to give myself a break.  Tomorrow will be seven months since Gavin died.  I'm also growing a baby that gets larger and larger and closer to being born every day.  I have an active four year old that is also grieving and I'm trying to give him as much quality time as I can with my ever dropping energy levels.  And physically it's getting tougher.  I have severe reflux that makes me sick (literally sick) and forces me to sleep sitting up now.  And I'm still struggling with sinus headaches and congestion - which hasn't changed since the second month.

But mostly, I'm starting to feel emotional as I get closer to delivering Hope.

Although I can't predict how things will go... and know that it will probably go just fine... I still have fears.  I worry that this pregnancy has held me together like glue... and once she's born the dam will break and I'll fall apart.  I worry about post partum depression, which I did have after Brian's birth (and likely had after Gavin's birth but was so busy with his care I didn't notice).  I have Ed on high alert for any signs or symptoms after Hope arrives...and I will be keeping myself in check, too.  I worry about getting back in the groove of caring for an infant.  I'm sure it will all come back to me - but I'm worried. And I'm worried that something, somehow will go wrong.  Basically - I'm having a temporary (hopefully) freak out.  I'm sure I'll settle down soon.

It doesn't help that I had another Labor and Delivery trip which was quite scary.  Monday morning I woke up swollen.  My feet, my calves, my hands, my face...totally swollen.  I spent the morning with my feet up, drinking a ton of water, while Brian was in school.  But I started to feel worse - nauseous with an increasing headache.  I got Brian from school...called Ed home from work...we took Brian to the neighbors for a playdate...and rushed to the hospital.  They checked me (again) for preeclampsia and monitored my blood pressure (which was high) and I sat in the bed holding back tears until they gave me the "all clear."  My OB increased my blood pressure medicine and sent us home.  It was a good lesson for me, though.  We left the house in a hurry and didn't think that this could possibly be the day.  My camera, the cord blood kit... we left all of it at home.  From now on, my packed bag will be ready to grab.  She really could come at any time at this point.  I will be 34 weeks on Saturday.

But there's good news.

I found an angel for our Christmas tree!!  Thank you to everyone who sent me photos of beautiful angels...and suggestions to find someone to make one for us.  I ended up choosing an artist to create one.  We're still in the planning stage, but I know it's going to be perfect.  And dramatic enough for our tree...

It's like this woman is inside my head - she completely understood my vision and I know we're going to love and treasure this angel for years.  I'll reveal it here when it arrives!

And there's more good news!

Brian is doing great.  He loves school (and we love his school!) and is learning so much!  Every day he comes home and tells me something new that he learned - or pulls something out of his backpack that he created.  It's such a treat to see him so happy - and to see him making friends.

And that's not all!  There's even more good news!

Brian had his dental check up and was a total rock star.  

He didn't flinch as the doctor poked around... and then as the hygienist cleaned his teeth.  He had a perfect check up.

He came home with a huge bag filled with cheap toys.  Er, I mean treasures.  It's funny how the cheapie things are the coolest things EVER at this age.  We'll enjoy this stage while it lasts!

Nesting...

This weekend was all about nesting.  I had a strong desire to be prepared - get organized and get as much done as we could so I can then... theoretically... relax until the big day that Hope arrives.

It started on Friday morning when Miss Sara arrived after I dropped Brian off from school.  She's a saint, honestly.  She spent the entire day at our house - including having dinner with us - so she could help me get the tree up.  We did the basics - everything but the ornaments - while Brian was in school.  Then, she stayed with Brian while I headed to my OB's office for my twice a week non-stress test (where everything looked great!).  Brian was so patient waiting for me to get home to start decorating.  He was VERY excited about having the Christmas tree up so early!!

We have a lot of sentimental ornaments on our tree every year.  I even have some homemade ones from my childhood that my Mom put on the tree every single year until I was married.  (I guess now you know where I get it from!)  Gavin and Brian have had new ornaments every year since they were born. Brian was anxious to find Gavin's and carefully unwrapped ornaments until he found what he was looking for...

I bought a ton of sparkly blue butterflies for the tree this year as a way to honor Gavin.

And I'm hoping that this year - if I find the right one - will be the first year we put an angel on the top of our tree.  It would be very special through the years to remember "the first year we had an angel" was the year we lost our angel.  I've looked so many places and just haven't found the "right one."  It would have to be pretty big (our tree is 7 1/2 ft.) and dramatic.  So many of the ones I've found have motion and LED lights - which I don't want.  In my mind, I picture an angel with darker hair... a flowing skirt that has blue and green...and, in a total fantasy, includes some type of ocean-like theme or accessory.  I'll never find this angel.  And if I do, she'll be completely unique and one of a kind - like Gavin.

We added our first ornament for Hope on the tree!  While we were at the beach this summer, Brian and I picked out pink, ceramic booties.

It's such a relief to have the tree and staircase done.  We even put up our manger scene - which Brian LOVED helping with - and our collection of Byer's Choice carolers.  My parents started collections for all five of us many years ago and each Christmas we've received a new one that is special in some way.  Last year was a tribute Caroler for the Salvation Army in memory of my Dad.  My Dad was a big fan and supporter of the Salvation Army.

This is all about nesting - and my need to feel "ready" in case this little girl of mine arrives early.  I'm not trying to make you feel like a slacker if your presents aren't bought and wrapped.  Oh, I didn't mention that part?  Yep - Ed and I had an assembling, wrapping and hiding party on Friday night.  We are ready for Santa!!  (To be clear - Ed thought I had lost my ever loving mind.  But... once he put together a complicated Star Wars toy, he was glad he wouldn't be spending Christmas Eve rushing to get it all done.  Moral of the story - I'm pretty much always right.  *wink*)

At this point... my house is having a severe identity crisis...

Today we did something very special.  It's become a tradition in our family to make a bear from "Build a Bear" for each of the children.  Ed and I made one when I was pregnant with Gavin and included a recordable disc in the paw that has his actual heartbeat from one of my ultrasounds.  It was so special to be able to push that bear's paw and hear Gavin's true heartbeat.  And it's even more special now.  Then... when we were expecting Brian... Gavin chose and "made" his bear with Brian's heartbeat.

Today was Brian's turn as the big brother.  He chose a sweet bunny for Hope.

He lovingly handed the "heartbeat disc" to the woman and then helped her stuff the bunny.  She had him put a little heart inside, which she asked him to kiss and make a wish on.  He told us he made a wish about Gavin.  No surprise.

Afterward, he gave the bunny a nice bath.

We created a "birth certificate" for the bunny - and Brian chose her name!  

"Bella Bunny"

It was a fun experience.  A little sad that it will be our last time... but we're so happy to have three special bears with their own, true heartbeats.

Obviously, Gavin was with us all day (and every day) - but we wanted to do something special to include him.  So, after we left Build a Bear... we headed straight to the fountain!  When I told Brian I wanted to take his picture, he climbed up on the ledge - outstretched his arms and said, "Hi Gavin!  Hi Pop!" as he looked up through the glass ceiling into the sky.  (If you're wondering... yes.  It was hard to continue taking photos after that!  Sniff...)

We were really missing Gavin today.

But we are so grateful that we have Brian... and the promise of Hope.

It was a very special weekend for our little family.

Tomorrow I will have a very exciting update about Gavin's trust project - with photos!!  And I'll also update you on the Emergency Room project!

Thank you, as always, for caring about our children.

Slowing Down...

Yesterday I hit the 32 week mark in my pregnancy.

I also spent the evening in Labor and Delivery at the hospital.

Everything is fine.

But as I get further and further along... I am getting more and more uncomfortable.  I've mentioned before that I have an "irritable uterus."  What exactly IS an "irritable uterus?" I hear you asking.  Here are some explanations.

 Irritable Uterus feels like…

• Braxton Hicks – regular or irregular, but, in general, more than 5 an hour and they onset in a frequent/regular fashion before you are full-term (can go on regularly for 1-3 hours at a time or more)
• A constantly tight belly, which feels like one constant Braxton Hicks, may be harder/tighter when standing or walking, can last for 10 minutes to an hour or more
• Regular or irregular painful contractions that feel like “the real thing” – cause real fear that cervical change may be happening, can be accompanied by cervical pain or pressure

Given my (quite extensive and drama-filled) history, my OB like to err on the side of caution.  When the contractions or constant tightness go on for too long, even with lots of water drinking and rest on my part, he prefers that Hope gets checked on the monitor in the hospital.  This happened in Gavin's pregnancy... and in Brian's pregnancy... and I was a frequent flier in Labor and Delivery all the way to the end.

During those pregnancies I got a lot of "side eyes" from people who didn't understand what this was like.  I suppose they thought I was being melodramatic by always running to the hospital.  I would also get lectures that I was "doing too much" "not drinking enough"  "stressing too much" - you name it. But the irritability I have can be brought on by peeing...having a full bladder...going from sitting to standing...and, to add one more thing I can't control - Hope's movements.  Hope is like an acrobat in my belly and moves day and night.  What can I do?

These trips to the hospital always produce a level of anxiety in me.  I often get flashbacks to Darcy's pregnancy.  I remember deciding that maybe I was overreacting.  The second I let my guard down - she was gone. Her death was caused by a freak cord accident.  So, you can imagine my anxiety with every trip to the hospital.

I'm sure I have also been looked at strangely when I have everything ready for the baby so early in my pregnancies.  I have had Hope's equipment and co-sleeper and pack and play and car seat open and in place for a couple months.  They are all washed and set up so they can "air out."  Her nursery is 90% completed.  The newborn clothes and blankets are washed and ready.  And soon I will have my official bag packed for the hospital.  I do all this way ahead of time because I know me.  And I know that the last couple months are difficult and I won't want to - or physically be able to - do all of these things. Between the irritable uterus - an extreme case of sciatica that has me wincing every time I step down on my right foot - and exhaustion... these last weeks for me are all about survival.  (And putting up our Christmas tree which is essential before I go!)

I'm slowing down.

I also officially went on blood pressure medicine a few days ago.  Having pregnancy induced hypertension in previous pregnancies - and being over 40 put me at greater risk for having it again.  This wasn't a surprise to me - and there's not a lot I can do about it.  I'm definitely careful about what I'm eating, drinking a ton of water, getting rest and keeping my stress level down as much as possible.  I've also been getting non-stress tests in my OB's office twice a week.

I had mentioned several weeks back that my scheduled C-Section was set for Christmas Eve.  I'm not stressing about that anymore.  The likelihood of me delivering before then is probably pretty high.

Thank you to all of you who continue to join me in believing Hope born!!  There are days that I look down and STILL can't believe that we're having a baby.  It's just unbelievable.  And now she's almost here.

We are so grateful for this new life.