Nesting...

This weekend was all about nesting.  I had a strong desire to be prepared - get organized and get as much done as we could so I can then... theoretically... relax until the big day that Hope arrives.

It started on Friday morning when Miss Sara arrived after I dropped Brian off from school.  She's a saint, honestly.  She spent the entire day at our house - including having dinner with us - so she could help me get the tree up.  We did the basics - everything but the ornaments - while Brian was in school.  Then, she stayed with Brian while I headed to my OB's office for my twice a week non-stress test (where everything looked great!).  Brian was so patient waiting for me to get home to start decorating.  He was VERY excited about having the Christmas tree up so early!!

We have a lot of sentimental ornaments on our tree every year.  I even have some homemade ones from my childhood that my Mom put on the tree every single year until I was married.  (I guess now you know where I get it from!)  Gavin and Brian have had new ornaments every year since they were born. Brian was anxious to find Gavin's and carefully unwrapped ornaments until he found what he was looking for...

I bought a ton of sparkly blue butterflies for the tree this year as a way to honor Gavin.

And I'm hoping that this year - if I find the right one - will be the first year we put an angel on the top of our tree.  It would be very special through the years to remember "the first year we had an angel" was the year we lost our angel.  I've looked so many places and just haven't found the "right one."  It would have to be pretty big (our tree is 7 1/2 ft.) and dramatic.  So many of the ones I've found have motion and LED lights - which I don't want.  In my mind, I picture an angel with darker hair... a flowing skirt that has blue and green...and, in a total fantasy, includes some type of ocean-like theme or accessory.  I'll never find this angel.  And if I do, she'll be completely unique and one of a kind - like Gavin.

We added our first ornament for Hope on the tree!  While we were at the beach this summer, Brian and I picked out pink, ceramic booties.

It's such a relief to have the tree and staircase done.  We even put up our manger scene - which Brian LOVED helping with - and our collection of Byer's Choice carolers.  My parents started collections for all five of us many years ago and each Christmas we've received a new one that is special in some way.  Last year was a tribute Caroler for the Salvation Army in memory of my Dad.  My Dad was a big fan and supporter of the Salvation Army.

This is all about nesting - and my need to feel "ready" in case this little girl of mine arrives early.  I'm not trying to make you feel like a slacker if your presents aren't bought and wrapped.  Oh, I didn't mention that part?  Yep - Ed and I had an assembling, wrapping and hiding party on Friday night.  We are ready for Santa!!  (To be clear - Ed thought I had lost my ever loving mind.  But... once he put together a complicated Star Wars toy, he was glad he wouldn't be spending Christmas Eve rushing to get it all done.  Moral of the story - I'm pretty much always right.  *wink*)

At this point... my house is having a severe identity crisis...

Today we did something very special.  It's become a tradition in our family to make a bear from "Build a Bear" for each of the children.  Ed and I made one when I was pregnant with Gavin and included a recordable disc in the paw that has his actual heartbeat from one of my ultrasounds.  It was so special to be able to push that bear's paw and hear Gavin's true heartbeat.  And it's even more special now.  Then... when we were expecting Brian... Gavin chose and "made" his bear with Brian's heartbeat.

Today was Brian's turn as the big brother.  He chose a sweet bunny for Hope.

He lovingly handed the "heartbeat disc" to the woman and then helped her stuff the bunny.  She had him put a little heart inside, which she asked him to kiss and make a wish on.  He told us he made a wish about Gavin.  No surprise.

Afterward, he gave the bunny a nice bath.

We created a "birth certificate" for the bunny - and Brian chose her name!  

"Bella Bunny"

It was a fun experience.  A little sad that it will be our last time... but we're so happy to have three special bears with their own, true heartbeats.

Obviously, Gavin was with us all day (and every day) - but we wanted to do something special to include him.  So, after we left Build a Bear... we headed straight to the fountain!  When I told Brian I wanted to take his picture, he climbed up on the ledge - outstretched his arms and said, "Hi Gavin!  Hi Pop!" as he looked up through the glass ceiling into the sky.  (If you're wondering... yes.  It was hard to continue taking photos after that!  Sniff...)

We were really missing Gavin today.

But we are so grateful that we have Brian... and the promise of Hope.

It was a very special weekend for our little family.

Tomorrow I will have a very exciting update about Gavin's trust project - with photos!!  And I'll also update you on the Emergency Room project!

Thank you, as always, for caring about our children.

A Little Bit of Everything Weekend...

Our weekend was jam packed.  It had highs...it had lows...it had laughs...and tears...and two, count 'em TWO, awesome Jack 'o Lanterns.  I know...even I am impressed!

On Friday morning, my Mom came over while Brian was in school.  We had the washer and dryer going non-stop washing all of Hope's newborn clothes, sheets and blankets, burp cloths and her "coming home outfit."  It was so nice to have her here to do this with me - and we both gushed over the tiny outfits and tiny socks and soft blankets.  We're getting closer and closer to being totally "ready!"  Ed is upstairs in her nursery right now hanging window shades!  It's hard to believe I am 31 weeks now.  And everything so far is going great.  I'm definitely getting more and more uncomfortable and need to take more breaks than usual due to my irritable uterus.  But truly, I have been truly blessed with a perfect pregnancy so far.

When we went to pick up Brian from school, he was SO excited to see Granny!!  We all had lunch and the two of them read some books before she headed out.  Brian and I had our joint session with Dr. Trish that afternoon and it was wonderful.  She is really helping both of us - with our grief, with my pregnancy and definitely with my blood pressure.  She's an amazing healer.

Saturday was SUPER busy.  Brian was invited to his classmate, Daniel's, birthday party!  He happens to be our neighbor, which made it very convenient!  Brian was SO excited.  I'm really hoping that Brian didn't take notes during this party - because it was AMAZING.  Sonia, Daniel's Mom, MADE the minion board you see below - and had the kids try to shoot the apple with nerf guns.  And there were tons of other homemade minions...adorable sandwiches...cleverly packaged snacks...fun games...it was impressive.  And I was having a panic attack.  (kidding)

Brian went NUTS over his minion party favor bag.  He didn't even know what minions were - but he didn't care!

Brian and I left the birthday party right after the cake to run (and by run, I definitely mean drive around the corner back to our house - let's be honest) to get him into his Halloween costume!  Ed was already over at our other neighbor's house helping them set up for the annual neighborhood Halloween party.  I'd love to show you the photos from that party - but I'm upholding my tradition of not revealing costumes here until the big day.  It's quite possible you'll see ME in costume, too, so be sure to come back on October 31st!!

The party was a lot of fun and Brian had a blast.  A two party day wiped us out, though!  Brian was so tired... I was so tired... and I was also very emotional.  Halloween isn't even remotely my favorite holiday - but Gavin's absence hit me like a ton of bricks.  I loved dressing them up in matching or coordinating costumes.  Like this... the Zoo Keeper and the Lion, inspired by the book "Goodnight Zoo."

At bedtime, Brian chose the book "If Nathan Were Here."  I've read this book to him several times and got through it just fine.  But last night?  Last night I really struggled.  I kept stopping to collect myself and could feel the tears welling up and then spilling over, unstoppable.  Ed came in at that moment and when he saw me HE lost it.  Soon Brian was looking at both of us, not sure what to do.  He's seen us cry before - it wasn't entirely new to him.  But we still talked about it.  We told him that it's okay to cry - and how much we all miss Gavin - and how it's okay to be happy and still need to cry...to be sad and still feel joy.  I told him that we felt sad for him that he lost his brother.  And that I bet he felt sad for us that we lost our little boy.  He nodded his head to agree and said, "But that's okay.  You still have ME!!"  We had a big group hug and smothered him with love and kisses.  

I really didn't recover - and that's okay.  I cried much of the night.  I suppose that's just what I needed - a good cry.  I was in bed early - and up late, thanks to a husband who let me sleep off my grief hangover.

I woke up with a new attitude and prepared myself for "Pumpkin Day!!!"  Brian announced one day that he wanted to make a Jack 'o Lantern...so we did!  Here is the photo proof:

He laughed hysterically when I called the inside of the pumpkin "Pumpkin Guts."

He's giving a thumbs up for the cool looking pumpkin guts...and a thumbs down for the idea of sticking his hand in to pull them out!

Mommy's not the best artist - but Brian was impressed with my work in progress!

Turns out he was VERY impressed with the finished product!  He told me to take a picture of him kissing his Jack 'o Lantern...

...and hugging it.  Success!!!

Then I surprised him with an Angry Bird Piggie kit that he could push into another pumpkin!  

He was over the Angry Bird moon.

I put an electric candle inside and we put our pumpkins on the porch to test them out.

We're all ready for our trick or treaters this Thursday!!