I'm feeling a little... blah.
I know I need to give myself a break. Tomorrow will be seven months since Gavin died. I'm also growing a baby that gets larger and larger and closer to being born every day. I have an active four year old that is also grieving and I'm trying to give him as much quality time as I can with my ever dropping energy levels. And physically it's getting tougher. I have severe reflux that makes me sick (literally sick) and forces me to sleep sitting up now. And I'm still struggling with sinus headaches and congestion - which hasn't changed since the second month.
But mostly, I'm starting to feel emotional as I get closer to delivering Hope.
Although I can't predict how things will go... and know that it will probably go just fine... I still have fears. I worry that this pregnancy has held me together like glue... and once she's born the dam will break and I'll fall apart. I worry about post partum depression, which I did have after Brian's birth (and likely had after Gavin's birth but was so busy with his care I didn't notice). I have Ed on high alert for any signs or symptoms after Hope arrives...and I will be keeping myself in check, too. I worry about getting back in the groove of caring for an infant. I'm sure it will all come back to me - but I'm worried. And I'm worried that something, somehow will go wrong. Basically - I'm having a temporary (hopefully) freak out. I'm sure I'll settle down soon.
It doesn't help that I had another Labor and Delivery trip which was quite scary. Monday morning I woke up swollen. My feet, my calves, my hands, my face...totally swollen. I spent the morning with my feet up, drinking a ton of water, while Brian was in school. But I started to feel worse - nauseous with an increasing headache. I got Brian from school...called Ed home from work...we took Brian to the neighbors for a playdate...and rushed to the hospital. They checked me (again) for preeclampsia and monitored my blood pressure (which was high) and I sat in the bed holding back tears until they gave me the "all clear." My OB increased my blood pressure medicine and sent us home. It was a good lesson for me, though. We left the house in a hurry and didn't think that this could possibly be the day. My camera, the cord blood kit... we left all of it at home. From now on, my packed bag will be ready to grab. She really could come at any time at this point. I will be 34 weeks on Saturday.
But there's good news.
I found an angel for our Christmas tree!! Thank you to everyone who sent me photos of beautiful angels...and suggestions to find someone to make one for us. I ended up choosing an artist to create one. We're still in the planning stage, but I know it's going to be perfect. And dramatic enough for our tree...
It's like this woman is inside my head - she completely understood my vision and I know we're going to love and treasure this angel for years. I'll reveal it here when it arrives!
And there's more good news!
Brian is doing great. He loves school (and we love his school!) and is learning so much! Every day he comes home and tells me something new that he learned - or pulls something out of his backpack that he created. It's such a treat to see him so happy - and to see him making friends.
And that's not all! There's even more good news!
Brian had his dental check up and was a total rock star.
He didn't flinch as the doctor poked around... and then as the hygienist cleaned his teeth. He had a perfect check up.
He came home with a huge bag filled with cheap toys. Er, I mean treasures. It's funny how the cheapie things are the coolest things EVER at this age. We'll enjoy this stage while it lasts!
Brian LOOKS like a rockstar!
ReplyDeleteAnd you-you need to cut yourself some slack! You rock in some major ways. I was a ball of nerves and anxiety toward the end of my pregnancy... and I had no prior "issues" to be concerned about!
One day at a time, but you already know that.
Praying for your family, all the way from California,
Tiffany
You are a rock and I don't see you breaking to pieces. You are allowed your moments. You give me courage and strength right now. I lost my husband of 40 years two weeks ago. It has been rough. My son and I are being strong for each other. Thanks for allowing us into your life.
ReplyDeletePlease consider encapsulating your placenta. You can do it with a c-section if you make arrangements first. I did it with my second baby, and I swear by it. She was a traumatic emergency c-section, and I felt so broken from the birth. I was depressed and overwhelmed. I took those placenta pills and felt so much better, plus my milk supply was awesome.
ReplyDeleteYes, it might gross you out, and yes it might just be a placebo effect, but for a few hundred dollars, if it can (naturally) keep the depression away, I say it's worth it.
You are beautiful and amazing. I love reading your blog.
Love the picture of Brian. So cute. Hugs to you Kate. If positive vibes help at all, you are going to sail through this - we are all wishing just the very best for all of you. Tears, fears, anger, joy, sadness, happiness - there just isn't an emotion that isn't ok for you to feel right now. Great big giant hug. Be well.
ReplyDeleteOf course you're overstressed. The list on your plate would make anyone tired and freaked out. I understand the Hope thing, too. I wonder if it's hitting you for additional reasons than worrying about taking care of a newborn (which you'll be a pro at). I could be totally wrong but this is how I would feel (I think!!) Brian was on Earth with Gavin. While Brian's an only child it's easier to relate to that. Hope was in your belly while Gavin was alive. That's something you might be holding on to, too. Once she's here on Earth, that's a change. There's a lot of change coming. None related to Gavin's constant presence, or your abiding love - but change. Of course, I could be totally wrong and you could just be tired because of your aerobic, grump uterus. <3 <3 jennypage xo
ReplyDeleteI Always enjoy your posts!!
ReplyDeleteKate- I agree with the previous comment that encapsulating your placenta is an awesome way to help with mommy hormones and stress after birth. I had serious postpartum trouble after my first child was born and was terrified of it happening again the second time. A friend recommended the placenta encapsulation and although I thought she was CRAZY... I was desperate not to have the same experience. A local mid-wife arranged it for me and it was 100% worth it. I felt totally different, much calmer and "even keeled" and my energy level was great. It was even greater of a blessing since my little boy was in the NICU for three weeks and he was born with dwarfism. Very emotional stuff- but I truly believe the placenta encapsulation was the biggest factor in me not coming un-glued. My milk supply was boosted as well. I did it again with my third child and had the same experience. Please look into it- it may be just what you need to give you a boost during this very emotional time.
ReplyDeleteI think of you every day and I cannot wait to see the happy pictures of Hope- what a precious gift!
YES YES YES!! Encapsulate your placenta!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBe nice to yourself! A temporary breakdown is expected of any pregnant woman - and you have far more you are coping with than most pregnant women. I am amazed and thrilled that you are soooo close to 34 weeks. My sister, a pediatrician, is thrilled to see a baby go as close to 40 weeks as possible, but says that 34 weeks is a huge milestone and she feels great about the health of a baby born any time after 34 weeks. Hope us doing as well at growing as Brian did at the dentist. All really will be well. Hope is taking care of that - just you wait and see.
ReplyDelete