A Bunch of Randomness...

I'm feeling a little... blah.  

I know I need to give myself a break.  Tomorrow will be seven months since Gavin died.  I'm also growing a baby that gets larger and larger and closer to being born every day.  I have an active four year old that is also grieving and I'm trying to give him as much quality time as I can with my ever dropping energy levels.  And physically it's getting tougher.  I have severe reflux that makes me sick (literally sick) and forces me to sleep sitting up now.  And I'm still struggling with sinus headaches and congestion - which hasn't changed since the second month.

But mostly, I'm starting to feel emotional as I get closer to delivering Hope.

Although I can't predict how things will go... and know that it will probably go just fine... I still have fears.  I worry that this pregnancy has held me together like glue... and once she's born the dam will break and I'll fall apart.  I worry about post partum depression, which I did have after Brian's birth (and likely had after Gavin's birth but was so busy with his care I didn't notice).  I have Ed on high alert for any signs or symptoms after Hope arrives...and I will be keeping myself in check, too.  I worry about getting back in the groove of caring for an infant.  I'm sure it will all come back to me - but I'm worried. And I'm worried that something, somehow will go wrong.  Basically - I'm having a temporary (hopefully) freak out.  I'm sure I'll settle down soon.

It doesn't help that I had another Labor and Delivery trip which was quite scary.  Monday morning I woke up swollen.  My feet, my calves, my hands, my face...totally swollen.  I spent the morning with my feet up, drinking a ton of water, while Brian was in school.  But I started to feel worse - nauseous with an increasing headache.  I got Brian from school...called Ed home from work...we took Brian to the neighbors for a playdate...and rushed to the hospital.  They checked me (again) for preeclampsia and monitored my blood pressure (which was high) and I sat in the bed holding back tears until they gave me the "all clear."  My OB increased my blood pressure medicine and sent us home.  It was a good lesson for me, though.  We left the house in a hurry and didn't think that this could possibly be the day.  My camera, the cord blood kit... we left all of it at home.  From now on, my packed bag will be ready to grab.  She really could come at any time at this point.  I will be 34 weeks on Saturday.

But there's good news.

I found an angel for our Christmas tree!!  Thank you to everyone who sent me photos of beautiful angels...and suggestions to find someone to make one for us.  I ended up choosing an artist to create one.  We're still in the planning stage, but I know it's going to be perfect.  And dramatic enough for our tree...

It's like this woman is inside my head - she completely understood my vision and I know we're going to love and treasure this angel for years.  I'll reveal it here when it arrives!

And there's more good news!

Brian is doing great.  He loves school (and we love his school!) and is learning so much!  Every day he comes home and tells me something new that he learned - or pulls something out of his backpack that he created.  It's such a treat to see him so happy - and to see him making friends.

And that's not all!  There's even more good news!

Brian had his dental check up and was a total rock star.  

He didn't flinch as the doctor poked around... and then as the hygienist cleaned his teeth.  He had a perfect check up.

He came home with a huge bag filled with cheap toys.  Er, I mean treasures.  It's funny how the cheapie things are the coolest things EVER at this age.  We'll enjoy this stage while it lasts!

Slowing Down...

Yesterday I hit the 32 week mark in my pregnancy.

I also spent the evening in Labor and Delivery at the hospital.

Everything is fine.

But as I get further and further along... I am getting more and more uncomfortable.  I've mentioned before that I have an "irritable uterus."  What exactly IS an "irritable uterus?" I hear you asking.  Here are some explanations.

 Irritable Uterus feels like…

• Braxton Hicks – regular or irregular, but, in general, more than 5 an hour and they onset in a frequent/regular fashion before you are full-term (can go on regularly for 1-3 hours at a time or more)
• A constantly tight belly, which feels like one constant Braxton Hicks, may be harder/tighter when standing or walking, can last for 10 minutes to an hour or more
• Regular or irregular painful contractions that feel like “the real thing” – cause real fear that cervical change may be happening, can be accompanied by cervical pain or pressure

Given my (quite extensive and drama-filled) history, my OB like to err on the side of caution.  When the contractions or constant tightness go on for too long, even with lots of water drinking and rest on my part, he prefers that Hope gets checked on the monitor in the hospital.  This happened in Gavin's pregnancy... and in Brian's pregnancy... and I was a frequent flier in Labor and Delivery all the way to the end.

During those pregnancies I got a lot of "side eyes" from people who didn't understand what this was like.  I suppose they thought I was being melodramatic by always running to the hospital.  I would also get lectures that I was "doing too much" "not drinking enough"  "stressing too much" - you name it. But the irritability I have can be brought on by peeing...having a full bladder...going from sitting to standing...and, to add one more thing I can't control - Hope's movements.  Hope is like an acrobat in my belly and moves day and night.  What can I do?

These trips to the hospital always produce a level of anxiety in me.  I often get flashbacks to Darcy's pregnancy.  I remember deciding that maybe I was overreacting.  The second I let my guard down - she was gone. Her death was caused by a freak cord accident.  So, you can imagine my anxiety with every trip to the hospital.

I'm sure I have also been looked at strangely when I have everything ready for the baby so early in my pregnancies.  I have had Hope's equipment and co-sleeper and pack and play and car seat open and in place for a couple months.  They are all washed and set up so they can "air out."  Her nursery is 90% completed.  The newborn clothes and blankets are washed and ready.  And soon I will have my official bag packed for the hospital.  I do all this way ahead of time because I know me.  And I know that the last couple months are difficult and I won't want to - or physically be able to - do all of these things. Between the irritable uterus - an extreme case of sciatica that has me wincing every time I step down on my right foot - and exhaustion... these last weeks for me are all about survival.  (And putting up our Christmas tree which is essential before I go!)

I'm slowing down.

I also officially went on blood pressure medicine a few days ago.  Having pregnancy induced hypertension in previous pregnancies - and being over 40 put me at greater risk for having it again.  This wasn't a surprise to me - and there's not a lot I can do about it.  I'm definitely careful about what I'm eating, drinking a ton of water, getting rest and keeping my stress level down as much as possible.  I've also been getting non-stress tests in my OB's office twice a week.

I had mentioned several weeks back that my scheduled C-Section was set for Christmas Eve.  I'm not stressing about that anymore.  The likelihood of me delivering before then is probably pretty high.

Thank you to all of you who continue to join me in believing Hope born!!  There are days that I look down and STILL can't believe that we're having a baby.  It's just unbelievable.  And now she's almost here.

We are so grateful for this new life.

A Day of Rest...

Last night in the car on my way home at 10pm, I declared that today would be a day of rest.  Way home from where, you ask?  I was getting checked out in Labor and Delivery at the hospital.  I have always had what they call an "irritable uterus" which means, for me, that when I get further into my pregnancy my body feels like it's contracting.  Sometimes for me it feels like I'm having one long contraction - where my uterus stays rock hard for a while.  I have actually never been in labor - ever, which is what makes these feelings so confusing and worrisome to me.  Gavin was an emergency C-Section... and so was Brian.  Both deliveries were ahead of their due dates and, in Brian's case, his scheduled C-Section.  So, when I feel these feelings - like I did yesterday - I worry.  I did all the right things to see if it would subside.  I drank more water.  I popped in a Scooby Doo, much to Brian's delight, and laid in bed on my left side.  Nothing was helping.  Hope is a very - VERY - active baby, especially after a meal.  So I ate dinner and sat down on the couch waiting for the acrobat to strut her stuff.  When I only faintly felt her moving, I had had enough.  I jumped in the car (Ed was home with Brian) and headed to the hospital... calling my OB from the road.

Long story short - everything is fine.  He saw some actual contractions, but nothing to think that anything was really happening.  My blood pressure was high - but that might have been because I was completely freaked out and worried until they told me everything was fine.  Up until then, my blood pressures have been normal.

Having an irritable uterus (the rest of me is not irritable, I swear!) is not fun.  You're just never sure when to worry - and when to take a chill pill.  (Not a real chill pill - a pretend one.  It is not advised to take chill pills when you're pregnant.)  But I'm cutting myself one big, huge, giant break.  If I want to be checked out twenty more times between now and December because something just doesn't feel right - I will.  And, we are so grateful that we have two hospitals filled with nurses that know me... or know our history... and are completely supportive and reassuring.  We are still 100% believing Hope born this December.

So.... back to my day of rest.

On the way home from the hospital, I checked in with Miss Sara to see if she was free this afternoon.  And she was.  So, after I got Brian home from pre-school and fed him lunch... I retreated to my bedroom for four, amazing, restful hours and left a very excited Brian in Miss Sara's fun and capable hands.  

We're so lucky that she's part of our lives.  Part of our family, really.  And I know it's important to Brian to maintain a relationship with her.  When she started with us, he was barely talking and still in a high chair!  They've been through a lot together.

Before I went upstairs, I handed Sara my camera and presented them both with a challenge.  An outdoor scavenger hunt!!  Admittedly, I stole this idea from Sara who did this with Brian one day not long after she started with us.  You can see HER version (which is much fancier than mine) - and also, if you've ever been curious to understand what Dr. Trish does, there's a great explanation of that near the end of THIS POST.  

Here's my awesome and "Pinterest worthy" scavenger hunt - all the things they had to find on a walk around the block.  (Something that is not suggested when you're as pregnant as me and have an irritable uterus.  According to me, anyway)

Brian found the hay bale!  AND the pumpkin!  AND the corn stalk - all at one house!  Jackpot!!

Boo!  He found the ghost, too!

The stick was a giveaway.

And so was the "Brown Leaf."

Brian had a blast outside... and then back inside with Sara.  Going to bed tonight he told me that he can't wait to take Hope on her first scavenger hunt.

This little boy has the biggest, sweetest heart.

I've been telling Brian a lot of stories about Gavin's birth - and his birth - and how things might be for Hope's birth.  Tonight he was so excited when I told him about his birth.  How the night he was born I was so happy because I couldn't wait to meet him.  And when the nurse brought him over to me, all wrapped up in a tight blanket, I said... and he interrupted me to interject:

"He's the cutest baby EVER in the WHOLE WORLD!"

That's pretty close to accurate!  I told him how I spent FOUR long days in the hospital with him and we were able to get to know each other really well.

"Where was Gavin?  He was home with Daddy, right?"

So, I explained to him that Daddy spent a lot of time at the hospital with me and with you and we were so, so happy that you were finally here in our arms.  Daddy would go home to see Gavin, who was being taken care of by someone else and he'd go back and forth between the hospital and home.  Gavin waited FOREVER for me to bring his new brother home and each day he got more and MORE excited.  (Brian loved hearing that)  So now it's YOUR turn!!  When Mommy goes to the hospital, you'll wait for what seems like FOREVER until I bring your little sister home.  And you'll get to have a lot of fun with whoever is here staying with you!!

"That's okay, Mama.  I'm patient," he said.

"I know, Brian.  You are.  And you're going to be the best big brother to Hope.  Just like Gavin is the best big brother to you."

And he will.  I just know it.

The Old Leaky Lady...

After yesterday's ordeal, Ed gave me a day of rest today.  I got up to say good morning to Brian - because I can't help myself - and then let him tuck me back into bed.  He took off my glasses, pulled the sheet over me, turned out the light and said "Have a good rest, Mommy!"  I have the sweetest little boy.

Last night, during our regular bedtime "pillow talk" - Brian wanted me to go through the story of Gavin's death.  He wants this every night... still... and I recite the same story each time.  I think it's important to him as part of his processing and I'm happy to do it.  But last night, when I got to this part... "the doctors tried and tried and tried to make him better, but Gavin's heart just kept stopping and they told us he was going to die..." Brian suddenly stopped me.

"Mama?  When I'm bigger, I'm going to be a doctor and I'll make kids better so they won't die.  You'd like that, right?"

"I think you'd make a great doctor, Brian."  I replied.

"Yeah.  I know." he confidently replied.

I believe him.  I really think something special is in store for this child.  I honestly do.  And whatever he does - he'll have the biggest, loudest cheerleaders in us!

I was thinking about his comment as he tucked me into bed this morning... and as I drifted off to sleep. I couldn't believe it when my eyes opened and the clock said ELEVEN AM!!!!!  Impressive, eh?  I was so grateful for the rest.

And this is the point where the men and maybe even women who don't appreciate "too much information" might want to stop reading.

I came downstairs and right away I thought I was peeing on myself!!  Nice, huh?  I went to the bathroom - but it kept up.  I couldn't blow it off anymore so I called my OB.  Again.  He told me what I already knew... I'd need to head to Labor and Delivery to be checked.  They do a very uncomfortable exam (I've had them before in previous pregnancies) to check to see if the fluid you are leaking is amniotic fluid.  Why uncomfortable?  Two words:  No Lube.

Lucky for us, my Mom had plans to come over tonight.  Her intention was to cook dinner for us and give me time to rest!  She did do that - but she ended up staying with Brian so Ed could be with me at the hospital.  We were so grateful.

I was in the Labor and Delivery room right next door to the room where I spent five days delivering Darcy.  And I was, once again, a nervous wreck.  I told the nurse that I would be very, very happy to write about my embarrassing afternoon when I was told that, "Nope - it wasn't amniotic fluid, Kate.  It could be that you're just an old leaky lady!"

And that's exactly what happened.  After the horrific test that had me levitating off the bed... and an ultrasound to be sure Hope was surrounded by fluid... I got the news that everything was fine.

I'm just old.  And pregnant.  And happy to be mortified.

BUT.........

It is never something to let go if you think you're leaking fluid.  I won't be taking any chances and even pretending that I know enough on my own instead of being checked by the experts.  Especially with my crazy history.

I sat with Brian at bedtime to have a little talk.  I told him that when he was in my belly - and my belly got as big as it is now with Hope - that the doctor had to see me a LOT... just to make sure that he was okay and that I was okay.  So now that my belly is big with Hope - I will have to go to be checked by the doctor, too.  

I told him,  "Gavin was such a big helper and so patient when I was pregnant with you.  He had to say goodbye to me many times when I went to the doctor.  And he took such good care of me when I was home.  I know that you'll be such a big boy, too."

He patted my belly, "Don't worry, Hope!  I'll take care of you and Mommy."

And with that, the old leaky lady kissed her little "doctor" goodnight.

Mommy's Scary Day...

If you are on my Facebook Page, you already know by now that I was in the hospital yesterday.  I was having some symptoms that made me nervous and my Obstetrician had me go get checked out in Labor and Delivery.  Ed was at work and Brian was due to be picked up at school.  Lucky for me, Miss Sara was around and she came over immediately while I went to pick up Brian.  I dropped him off at home for a fun afternoon with Sara while I headed to the hospital.

 I chose to go alone and assumed it would all work out.  And anyway, we had had plans to attend a huge "family outing" with Ed's company that afternoon - and it included bringing donated items for kids that I had all ready to go.  I wanted Ed to still go with Brian so at least some of us were having fun!

Halfway to the hospital (which is about 30 minutes away) - I started to worry that it wasn't a good idea.  But I brushed it off.  I parked the car and headed up the elevator and as I rounded the corner - I suddenly felt a wave of dread wash over me.

The last time I was in this hallway... on this floor... was the five days I spent here delivering Darcy Claire.  It was then that I got scared.  This couldn't happen to me again.  God wouldn't let this happen to me again, would He?

I had been feeling Hope move the entire time, so I wasn't worried that anything had happened to her.  I'm so grateful that she moves so much - and so dramatically!  You can see my belly rock and rise and wave.  

The nurse set me up on the monitor to see what Hope was up to... and put me on continuous blood pressure monitoring.  Then they attempted to take blood.  Oh boy.  I'm a tough stick on a good day (and so was Gavin. Unfortunately he must have inherited that from me, poor kid) but today was ridiculous.  It took them six tries before they were able to get it - it wasn't pretty.

They had concerns that I might be showing signs of Preeclampsia.  I have never had Preeclampsia, but both Gavin AND Brian were delivered early and rather urgently because I was showing signs of it.  The night Gavin was born my blood pressures were "near stroke level" I was told.  And with Brian, who was born full term - but earlier than my scheduled date, I went into the hospital to be checked because my home blood pressures were high and I was having headaches.  I had even (reluctantly) been on blood pressure medication during his pregnancy as a precaution.  After keeping me for hours, the doctor determined it would be safest for me to remain in the hospital on bedrest for the next two weeks until Brian was born.  I was crushed - how could I leave Gavin for that long?  Brian must have heard me because my blood pressures rose dangerously high and he was born that night.

All of these memories were swirling around in my head as I laid in the bed waiting... and waiting... and waiting for the verdict.  I am not going to lie - I was so, so scared.  I actually started preparing myself for not only how I would handle a possible crisis - but how I would explain it all to Brian.  The last person I wanted to suffer another loss was him.

I also started giving Hope a pep talk.  How she had to stay put - had to keep making us laugh with her "belly dancing."

I told her that she had a closet FILLED with clothes just waiting for her to put on daily fashion shows for thousands of people who can't wait to "meet' her.

And that she had a Godmother, Miss Sara, who provided probably HALF of those very outfits.  (She has excellent taste, by the way)

I told her that she had a brother - the one who's voice she hears every day - that can't wait to help take care of her and teach her how to play Angry Bird Star Wars.  And then, worrying that might not be the best argument - I told her that she has a Granny that gives the greatest snuggles and tickly back rubs.  And a Daddy that she will easily wrap around her finger.

I told her that she has incredible guardian angels that will help her stay put until Christmas... and will be with her every day of her life.  And that her sister, Darcy's, Madeline doll... her brother, Gavin's, favorite giraffe baby rattle - and blanket "guys" that both of her brothers loved are waiting for her to love.

When I saw my OB walk into the room... and when he told me I would be going home... I wanted to burst into tears.  I was so grateful after a very long afternoon of worry and fear.

He told me that my blood pressures were up and down during my stay.  I don't want to jump into taking blood pressure medication - so I will be closely monitoring my pressure at home for a week before we make the decision.  Obviously, I will do anything to keep me and Hope safe.  He also said he saw contractions on the monitor (which I had been feeling) - but it was nothing to worry about right now.  The tough part for me during pregnancies is that I have an "irritable uterus" which makes me feel like I'm having contractions... which often leads me to worry that I won't know when it's "real."  So the next 2 1/2 to 3 months could be rough for me.

I have officially hit the third trimester as of today - which is just unbelievable.  On Tuesday, I'll get another glimpse of our daughter on ultrasound.  Hopefully I'll come home with great pictures - even 3D - that I can share.  I still can't believe I'm even pregnant sometimes.  But my belly at this point is HUGE and it's getting harder and harder to get up and down with Brian - go up the stairs - and, well, even walk at times.  Each event is like a marathon for me!  I'm very tired.  But make no mistake - I am so, very grateful.  I love being pregnant and in many ways I wish it had all gone slower.  Especially because with each pregnancy milestone I reach, I am further away from the day Gavin died.  As of today, it's five months and twenty two days since my birthday... saying goodbye to Gavin... and realizing we were pregnant - all in the same day.

But I'm still believing in Hope.

No matter what.

I can't... I won't... I will never lose hope.

Thank you to all who "sat" with me virtually while I was in the hospital yesterday.  Even though I chose to go there alone... I never really was.