Imaginary Friends...

I was going to ask my male neighbor to answer the door and "confess" that he was, indeed, "Kate" from Chasing Rainbows.  Or hire a young teenager who lives in this house in his parent's basement and smokes pot and makes up stories about this "Gavin" and his brother "Brian" for this blog.

  But instead, I chose to answer the door as myself.  And I greeted two strangers who have been reading since I wrote daily on my CaringBridge site.  Two strangers...that became "imaginary" online friends...who asked if they could come meet us.

They came to our home today as strangers.

And Tim and Beth left our home as lifelong friends.

It's still hard for me to believe that they drove over four hours (each way!) and got a hotel room just to spend an afternoon with us.  We were so flattered.  But after spending all day with them, I have to say it was our honor to have them here.

Beth and I bonded over her pregnancy...and our shared miscarriages (her one - my "I lost count").  She's due with their first child, Alivia Grace, in early September.  Tim and Ed bonded over their shared love of Star Wars, Star Trek, Star Gate - all things geeky.  If you remember the post I wrote when I made Gavin and Brian's Emergency Kits... Tim was the paramedic that helped me with some of the contents!  And he famously came to my defense when an Anonymous poster slammed me for "going overboard" and threatened that my kids would have no life or independence for those pesky kits.  (Still keeps me up at night.  Not.)

Gavin and Brian gifted baby Alivia with their favorite thing - the Twilight Turtle!

And they made Brian's day with a blue stuffed Angry Bird...and Gavin's with a gift card to buy apps for his iPad!  So generous.  TOO generous!

But the thing that got me choked up?  They brought us a beautiful bamboo plant.  Someone had given them this "lucky plant" when they were trying to get pregnant - and they ended up pregnant with their daughter!  The plant was a lovely, symbolic gesture and we were so touched.

We really had a fun day.  Thank you, Beth and Tim, for making the trip to meet us!  Hopefully we didn't disappoint in person!  

Today was actually a great distraction for me.  I've had some anxiety this weekend!  Yesterday I had a lot of dizziness and cramping.  This could be a good sign that our little embryo is hard at work burrowing into my uterine lining and making him or herself at home.  Or it could mean the myriad of things I've made up in my head that add up to bad stuff.  

I'm surprised at my terrible anxiety.  For all the confidence I had - the "I'm okay either way!" statements - I get these waves of fear.  Waves of "OMG - this is it.  If it doesn't work - how will I really deal?"  I'm so bummed that I'm so bummed!!  This wasn't in the plan.  I'm hoping that I can get in to see my Acupuncturist, Dr. Kang, early this week.  Not only can she help bring blood flow to the right areas...but I'm sure she can help me with this anxiety.

This Wednesday I'll be bringing Gavin to see the ENT.  It can't come soon enough.  He's been struggling during meals with sudden congestion and food that comes out of his nose.  And he's still vomiting at night after his apnea spell causes him to cough which sometimes triggers a gag which then causes him to throw up.  Vicious cycle.  But he doesn't just throw up when he's sleeping.  Tonight, after a very long day, he gagged during the final bites of his dinner.  He just couldn't recover and soon it was all on his highchair tray.  Lucky for me that it all stayed contained on the tray, right??  Well...that is, until I dropped the full tray on the way to the sink.  

Epic fail.

Plant and Grow...

Here it is - our single embryo.  It was described by the embryologist as their "Gold Standard" for how perfect it looked.  A day five Blastocyst.  The transfer went smoothly and I surprised myself with an abundance of tears.  

Now, we wait.

When I came home I headed straight upstairs to bed and napped for a few hours.  I had been up past midnight last night cleaning the house and doing the windows.  Nervous energy, I suppose.  This morning I took apart our stroller and thoroughly cleaned it.  Of course I did.  Like a total whack job.  So the nap came easily and it helped pass the time.

I did some research when I woke.  While the fertility clinic thought we were taking a huge risk using only one embryo - the research shows that a single embryo transfer has a high success rate.  Especially in women my age!

I've had a lot of people ask me why I share so much about our fertility journey.  My answer is always the same.  When I first started going through fertility issues, it was hard to find people to talk to.  People don't talk about this - like it's a shameful secret.  It's not.  The amount of emails I get from women who open up to me after reading through our journey makes it all worth it.  I don't like feeling alone - and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel that way, either.  I'm happy to be a resource.  I once heard from a stranger who was googling "embryo transfer" at midnight in Alaska and came across our story.  It gave her an idea of what to expect and it calmed her nerves for her transfer the following day.  How cool is that?

Over the next couple days I have some projects I want to work on (including important reality TV investigative work that is totally top secret, I'm afraid).  I'm also expecting visits like the one I had tonight.  After reading "I Wish That I Had Duck Feet" to Brian he told me he wanted to sleep in my bed.  When I said he had to sleep in his bed, he told me I had to come with him.  

It's going to be a long two days.

I can't express enough - truly - how much I appreciate your support.  Here... through emails... and on Facebook, especially!  I don't take it for granted - and it really, truly means the world to me.

And I am so grateful to my Mom.  On what is obviously a hard day for her as we celebrate what would have been my parent's 54th wedding anniversary, she took the time to deliver a dinner to the house.  Zucchini quiche, stewed tomatoes, macaroni salad and cupcakes - total comfort food and a great "baby growing" meal.  Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad.

If you are wondering at all what is going on inside my body, here's a handy chart that will show the process.  I had hoped to show a video of the actual embryo being placed in my uterus on ultrasound...but Ed accidentally took video of me along with the ultrasound monitor.  Trust me, no one needs to see that.  There were stirrups involved.  Need I say more?

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

I won't be writing for the next few days - mostly because I won't have much to report!  But I will be sharing my musings on life, what I see out my window and what's on TV during the day on Facebook. You can catch me there.

This baby has been planted!  Now we hope and pray and wish for growth.

Not My Will, Thy Will...

Well, this is it.  The eve of my final embryo transfer.  Perhaps you're tired of reading about all this fertility stuff.  I would understand that!  Believe it or not, I will feel THRILLED tomorrow when it's over.  


Why? 


Because I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of filling my body with bottles full and needles filled with all kinds of medicines.  I'm tired of charting and schedules and internal ultrasounds and blood tests.  I'm tired of moodiness as a side effect.  (Although it's been a perfect excuse)  I'm tired of failures that are heartbreaking...and a husband who keeps needing to console me.  I'm tired of thinking about it and saving everything for a baby that hasn't come.


I feel like we've been living in limbo since Darcy died.  But we are ready to move from there.  Finally.


It feels good to be going into this last and final attempt feeling okay - feeling sure - feeling a sense of acceptance that whatever happens is what was meant to happen.  Tomorrow morning at 11:30, one little embryo will be delivered into my womb.  I will rest in bed for two days and will continuously repeat my mantra...


Not my will...but Thy will be done.


I will know if I'm pregnant or not in two weeks or less.


If I'm pregnant - we will be overjoyed!!  Girl or boy - we're happy either way!  We would be thrilled to finally give Gavin and Brian another sibling to share their journey with.  We have a bedroom for this baby - and equipment for this baby - and love that knows no boundaries. I will feel energized to kick our lives into high gear - do more, play more, heal more, learn more. And we would be forever grateful to the angel donor who helped us bring that baby home.

If I'm not pregnant - we will be fine!  In a way, I will feel relief.  I can clear out our basement filled with stored baby items - clothes, equipment, toys and more.  I will feel relief that I can just live - like nothing is hanging over my head like an undone 'to-do' list.  I will feel energized to kick our lives into high gear - do more, play more, heal more, learn more. 

Either path is lined with roses.  


It's shocking, even to me, that I feel this way.  I could only get here on my own...in my own time.  And now that I'm here - it feels right.  I bet you that this new place of acceptance will be what gets me pregnant this time.  Perhaps this is where I was meant to be all along.  Better late than never, right?


Not my will...but Thy will.

Grade A...

Taking the night off from writing due to lack of motivation...


But I did want to mention this.  Our embryo transfer has been pushed to Thursday.  The embryologist thought that our little embryo could benefit from two more days of baking and dividing.  He told us that the quality is EXCELLENT.  Grade A, he said.  This was something I haven't heard using my own eggs, so we are psyched!


I'm also so, so happy that the transfer will be on Thursday.  June 7th is my parent's wedding anniversary.  This year they would have been celebrating 54 years.  To me it's like a thumbs up from Heaven that my procedure would fall on this day.


Love never dies.


Do you know that if this embryo was growing inside of me at this moment, I would technically be 2 weeks and 3 days pregnant?  Crazy when you think of it that way.


One egg is now one embryo.  Hopefully I can count on your one prayer or one positive thought come Thursday.


I guess I had more motivation than I thought!


Now here are two gratuitous photos of our superhero, Gavin, from today to make your night.

The end.

One Egg - One Basket...

It's very possible that tomorrow might be the day - our final effort to conceive.  I got the call from the embryologist that our embryo is growing and dividing beautifully.  Then I got the call from then nurse to tentatively schedule my embryo transfer for tomorrow morning at 11:30!  There's still a possibility that things will change and they'll decide to push it to Thursday, but I won't know that until tomorrow morning when they check the embryo again.


***Edited today to update!  The transfer has been postponed two days.  This is the best news ever and I'll explain why in the next post!***

We can't use the expression that we're putting all our eggs in one basket...because the opposite is true.  We chose to only use ONE egg.  

One egg - one basket.  One egg which would become one embryo which would (theoretically) become one baby (hopefully).  It's a big gamble - but that was our choice after long and thoughtful consideration.  We originally thought we would use two eggs from the donor - fertilize both - transfer one - then freeze or donate the remaining embryo.  We changed our mind.  So far things are going so well - we're lucky!!  We realize it's a big risk, but we're okay with that.  If this baby is meant to be, it will happen.  We really believe that.

This afternoon, Miss Janna brought a visitor with her to Gavin's therapy.  Deb Hiller is a consultant within the school system and her job (one of a thousand, I'm sure!) is to stock Gavin's new classroom for the Fall!  I was so flattered that she would want to come by to check up on Gavin and see not only what his physical needs would be...but what types of things he likes and responds to.  Gavin, unfortunately, was in a sad mood for some inexplicable reason during her visit - big tears and everything!  But she was still able to get an idea for the things he'll need.  I told her we would keep in touch - I'm sure there are toys of Gavin's that I could donate (or replicate!) to send with him when school starts!

The details of the class and the start and stop time are still being ironed out.  So far there are only three students in the class - but they are sure that number will grow over the next couple months.  What I do know is that the day is longer than Brian's - but what I don't know is how much longer or if I'll be able to swing driving both (in two different directions!).  Regardless, I am shocking myself with how comfortable I am with this school idea.  As my Mom just told me on the phone - I've come a long way. And so has Gavin.

It's very easy for me to picture having two little boys in pre-school and having a morning free getting to know a new baby Leong.  

Let's hope that vision becomes a reality!!

Art Appreciation...

It was fitting that the "original" Miss Sarah...our resident artist...would come back to babysit for us last night.  Ed and I were invited to a fancy event at an art gallery by our good friends, Geoff and Elayne.  More on that later!

The boys were so happy to see Sarah.  She is home until October - and then she'll be leaving for a very long mission to Turkey for FIVE years!!  We're hoping to spend as much time as we can with her over the summer.  It was like she never left - the boys just jumped right in to play with her!  Brian has been calling her Miss "Other" Sarah.

The event was "cocktail attire" which thrilled me to no end.  I love a reason to get all dressed up - it happens so very rarely anymore!  It took a long time for a very nice woman at the Nordstrom makeup counter to help me cover my facial bruising (I'm still recovering from the oral surgery and have a huge bruise on my jaw!) - and I ended up having WAY too much makeup on (and hairspray for that matter) than I intended - but I didn't care.  I was in a fun dress and, to prove it, Brian and I had a spinning party before we left...

Ed and I even posed in the backyard - feeling quite "prom like."  

Sarah hasn't stayed with the boys for over a year - so if you're wondering if I was a little worried that it wouldn't go well...

...uh, that would be a no.  They are just as much in love with her than they ever were.

And the report when we got home was that they had a TON of fun.

Meanwhile, we met up with our friends, the Schmidts, who were kind enough to invite us to this event at The Barnes Foundation in Philadelphia.

Geoff and Elayne are our friends that we gave our dog, Lucy, to when we learned that Gavin was allergic.  Lucy is still SO happy in her new home.  We definitely picked the right puppy parents!

We were given a special tour around the gallery.  Even though we are not huge art aficionados, both Ed and I felt it wasn't even enough time!  The history of Dr. Albert Barnes - the owner of all the art and the founder of the Foundation - was fascinating to us.  He has a unique viewpoint - choosing to hang his art collection in unexpected (and often controversial) ways.  For example, his thinking was that a bowl made by a local potter was just as beautiful and deserved the same distinction as a Matisse or a Van Gogh.  I connected with this.  There was something 'unpretentious' and welcoming about this philosophy.  And knowing that they bring students from local grade schools and high schools through this gallery to learn about the arts - it resonated even more for me.  What a lovely way to learn that not one of us is ever 'better' than another.  Beauty, as they say, is in the eye of the beholder.  There are so may ways to determine "worth" in something...or someone.

This is what  a typical room looked like in the gallery.  Some rooms were more "busy" than others with metal work, furniture, pottery - and in some rooms even jewelry - hung among the most famous paintings in the world.  And if you looked long enough, you could see the connection between the chosen metal work - the chosen side art - the furniture below - it was all connected by a theme.

And just like life - everyone likely walked away with a different message...a different interpretation...and their own opinion.

Ed fell in love with Renoir's works.  He appreciated the colors and the softness.  He especially loved his portraits of children and how their faces just popped right off the canvas.

I discovered an artist I never knew - Amedeo Modigliani.  I loved his non-traditional portrait style.  I was drawn to his pained life story and his struggles with addiction.  His portraits moved me.

I'm not sure if I was technically "allowed" to take photos in the gallery - see what I do for you?  *wink*

We had such a great night out.  Today I woke up totally energized and decided to clean the house - like, REALLY clean the house.  I'm pretty sure I won't be able to move tomorrow.  Oh, and if you want to see this house clean - schedule a visit immediately.  It won't last long.

As I mentioned earlier, Miss Sarah will be leaving for a five year mission to Turkey in October.  As you may know, missions are paid for by the individuals and through donations.  I came up with an idea to help Sarah on her way!

Sarah is an incredible photographer.  Just look at these two photos I stole from her from her last mission trips.

India -

and Uganda.

She's taken exceptional photos of our family (our Christmas card twice!) and the boys and I can vouch for her talent - and sweetness!

If you live locally and would be interested in a family portrait - an individual portrait - a maternity session - pictures of your kids - your house - your dog - your car - whatever!!  (Kidding.  Only humans, please.) Please consider helping Sarah as she raises money to live out her dream.  I asked her to provide me with details of how she'd set up the sessions and what she'd charge (next to nothing, if you ask me!)...so I am listing her response below.  If you have any questions, feel free to contact me!!  Or you can contact Sarah directly at SRacine86@gmail.com

Family/Regular Sessions 2-5 hours $300.00

Senior Portraits 1 hour $100.00

Pregnancy Portraits 2 hours 200.00

I want to hear from the families or individual on how we can

creatively develop the story they want their images to tell.

Once their session is booked, I'll provide plenty of information on

how to prepare, what to wear, etc. We'll set up the session date,

time, and location together.

They will receive digital negatives on CD and then can do with the

photos what they would like.

Crew Cuts...

Anyone that knows me knows that I'm pretty particular about the boys hair.  Maybe it was growing up as the daughter of a Navy Captain - but I love my boys with short, short hair.  The second I see it hanging over their ears I'm calling our friend, Silvia, to get them in for cuts.  I just LOVE when they have a fresh cut.  What can I say - it's my "thing."  Everyone has a "thing," right?

So today - they got nice short cuts for June!  I was *this* close to asking her to give Brian a mohawk.  How cute would that be?!  Maybe someday.

Here's Gavin modeling his new look...

Before the haircuts, Gavin had physical therapy with Miss Wendy and did such a great job.  She had him on our Tricycle and he was 'schooling' his little brother on how to keep his feet on the pedals!  I was very impressed.

This morning was my last "blood and ultrasound" appointment before my embryo transfer.  My lining is the perfect measurement and all ready for our little embryo to hopefully make his or herself at home!  Our egg donor's egg retrieval will be tomorrow.  Then the embryologists will update us each day on the progress of our little embryo.  My transfer is still tentatively scheduled for either Tuesday or Thursday.

I asked the nurse, who I've known for some time, if she has met our donor.  She smiled and said, "Yes!  And Kate, she's exceptional.  I really like her a lot."

While I'm sure some people do this to make some big time money, I've been told that our donor is also very happy to be helping us.  And she's been very interested in the process from a medical standpoint - asking a ton of questions and very curious.  Sounds like me!

I've already experienced her kindness.  When Ed and I decided to try to take one last trip before a possible pregnancy, we were worried that we would be gone and our donor would all of a sudden be ready for retrieval.  We were afraid we'd miss something - but we also desperately wanted to take this trip.  I checked in with the donor coordinator and shared my thoughts with her.  Within a few hours she got back to me and said that our donor was happy to delay her stimulation medications so we could relax and go on our trip with no worries.  Basically, she changed her plans and rearranged her schedule for us.  I was floored.

As it turned out, the trip was the best thing we could have done.  We're walking into this week feeling SO in love - SO relaxed - and So sure of everything.

We are feeling so blessed.