A Future With Hope...

It's Saturday, so you know what that means!  Another weekly photo shoot with Hope.  She is 23 weeks today!

This week I knew I would have a lot to report.  She suddenly started taking naps, which is very unusual for her.  I had a feeling her little body was working up to something beyond just growing.  And boy, is she growing.  She's between 3-6 months in clothing.  I'll find out how much she weighs now this week at her well check.

I was right that she was up to something!  Suddenly Hope is babbling more, purposely reaching out to touch things, bringing things to her mouth with more precision and desperately trying to turn over from her back to her belly.

And she's belly laughing (usually at something Brian is doing!) a lot more!!

We laugh a lot every day so I'm glad she's already showing signs of having a great sense of humor!

We are so in love with this little girl.

Today also marks four years since we met Darcy Claire.  I remember buying this Madeline doll when I was pregnant with Darcy - and couldn't wait to share my love of Madeline books with her.  Since her death, I have looked at that doll with a twinge of sadness.  I almost got rid of it, never dreaming that I'd have another daughter one day to share it with.

I'm so glad I held onto it.  Today - on the day Darcy would have been four - this little Madeline doll officially became Hope's.  And it officially lost its sad history.

I think Madeline has a happy future with Hope.

Hope also has a new love of Mickey Mouse!  Brian has two of these Mickey dolls.  One night Hope discovered one and laughed and laughed - grabbing Mickey's nose.  Brian immediately gave her one of his dolls to keep.

We can't wait to take both of them to Disney World to meet the real Mickey and Minnie!!

 I think we ALL have a happy future with Hope.

Box Full of Life...

I have a little box that sits high on a shelf in my closet.  Every morning and every night I glance at it. The little box is filled with items from Darcy's death.

Tomorrow is "Darcy's Day" as we call it in our house.  Tomorrow would have been her fourth birthday.  She was born into my arms and God's after five days of hospital labor - just hours before Mother's day in 2010.

Last year at this time I was not in the best place.  Gavin had just died.  Then I was hit with my first Mother's Day without him - and Darcy's third birthday.  

But what a difference a year makes.  I have decided that I will let my thoughts determine my emotions this weekend... instead of the other way around.  

I am choosing to cherish and celebrate the children that are here with me... instead of mourning the ones that aren't.  The children standing in front of me need to know that they are valuable and important and worthy.  

They need to know that my love will not be separated from them by death.

I will think about the children that made me a Mother - all I ever wanted to be.  I will think about why mothering makes me the happiest I've ever been.  

And I will re-think what that little box means to me.

It's a box full of life.

He Chose Well...

Tomorrow will be one year from the day I wrote this...  

This morning I took a tour of a potential new preschool for Brian this Fall.  I was led down the little hallway to peek into their four classrooms.  The first classroom... butterflies all over the walls.  The second... butterflies hanging from the ceiling.  The third... butterflies on sticks.  The fourth... a clothesline with hanging butterflies.  And then we turned around and walked back down the hall - giving me a view of their little "prayer garden" through a wall of windows.  What was out there?  Hydrangeas... just like the ones we chose for Gavin's funeral... the ones that we will hopefully be planting soon in a memorial garden in our yard.

Looks like Gavin is the new advocate in the house.  He was clearly sending me a sign that this was the right school for his little brother.

It was part of a post about how advocating for Gavin was the hardest - and the most rewarding job I've ever had.  I'd love for you to read that post.  But it was also a post about the day I toured Brian's current pre-school.  St. Isaac Jogues in Wayne, PA.

I walked into that little school just 24 days after Gavin died.  I was grieving and newly pregnant and so, so worried about having to make yet another giant change in Brian's life.  Maybe it seems silly, but seeing the butterflies (we had butterflies at Gavin's funeral) in the classrooms... and the blue hydrangeas (which were all over Gavin's funeral) in the prayer garden surrounding the statue of Mary... it felt like Gavin made the choice for me.  I came home that night and told Ed about both and, with tears in his eyes, he said "Done.  Sign him up."

And so began our journey at St. Isaac Jogues.

As it turned out, the prayer garden was filled with flowers because the children had held their "May Procession" just days before.  They all placed flowers at the feet of the statue of Mary, the mother of God, as a way to honor her.

This year's May Procession was held today - and I knew that I had to be there.  A full circle moment for our family.  I went there broken and newly pregnant.  Brian arrived nervous, grieving and shy.

And today, I was there stronger - with Hope.  And Brian?  He thrived in this nurturing and exceptional little preschool.

He made friends and developed socially.

He received the same type of Catholic education that Ed and I grew up with, which was important to us.

As I watched him walk with his friends today during the May procession, I couldn't help but get choked up that his pre-school experience is coming to an end.  This school has done so much for Brian.  He has a new love for music thanks to a great music class they have and expressed an interest in having me teach him piano at home (which makes me so happy!).  They also have gym class.  Brian has cracked me up at home spontaneously "exercising" - and even doing Yoga poses!!  They often have after school "enrichments" until 3pm and, after much begging from Brian, I started to let him stay here and there.  Their enrichment programs were awesome!!  He learned gardening... they did science projects... he had a book club... arts and crafts... fun and fitness... and a "thank God it's at school and not at home" - the "ooey gooey" messy enrichment (a kid favorite!).  They cleaned up the school on Earth Day.  They had a Halloween parade.  The Easter Bunny came for their Easter party.  And I brought a very newborn Hope to the Christmas pageant.  Brian has learned a ton and has grown up so much this year.

One by one this afternoon, the children placed their flowers at Mary's feet - a blue hydrangea from Brian, of course...

...while I watched with Hope from the grass in the prayer garden.

I remember the first day I met Brian's teacher, Miss Kristen.  I nervously pulled her aside to tell her about Gavin.  I was unsure how Brian would handle Gavin's death in school - if he'd bring it up a lot, if other kids would bring it up, if talking about Gavin would upset him - I wasn't sure what to expect.  Kristen was so kind and understanding and I felt like she kept a compassionate eye on Brian all year.

She's been at St. Isaac Jogues for a long time and has such a great curriculum.  Brian was challenged, had fun and was excited to go to school every day.  The children are respectful and disciplined and you can tell that they really blossom under the structure that all of the teachers provide.  We're going to miss this school - until it's Hope's turn!  Brian graduates on May 21st.  We're lucky that many of his classmates will be going to the same Kindergarten as him in the Fall!

And I feel lucky, too.  I feel like I've made some lifelong friends with the pre-school Moms.  I'll be with many of them until Brian graduates 8th grade!  The entire St. Isaac Jogues community has been very supportive towards our family.  I can't say enough about this little school.  If you're in my area and looking for a pre-school, I'm happy to answer any questions about St. Isaac's!

Thank you, Gavin.  You chose well.

I Can't Contain My Excitement...

This May 22nd, Ed and I will celebrate TEN years of marriage.  A lot has happened in ten years... more than the average couple, I can confidently say.

We spent our honeymoon in Hawaii and we said that we'd go back there in ten years.

Here we are... ten years later and guess what?!?!?!?!?!?!?

We're not going to Hawaii.  Someday - but not soon.

We are doing something amazing.  Hilarious.  We're checking something off the "bucket list."

We are ELOPING to VEGAS in June!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

We've been through sickness and health... a special needs child and the loss of two children.  A lot less has torn marriages apart.  Here we are, ten years later... and I get to marry this wonderful man all over again.  I'm so lucky.

We're going to take our best man...

And our maid of honor...

And my original wedding gown!!!!!!!!

And we're flying to Vegas to renew our vows in one of those iconic and adorable and cheesy and funny wedding chapels.  We may even choose to have Elvis officiate.

Ed and I went to Vegas many times before we had Gavin and loved staying at the Bellagio.  I always dreamed of one day taking Gavin to the Bellagio - he would have loved the fountain show they have there. So we are staying there for old time's sake - hopefully in a room overlooking the show.  I used to love falling asleep to the sound of that water show at night... and I know Brian and Hope will, too.  We just booked our flights and the hotel and I'm giddy.

I seriously can't contain my excitement.

Is it over the top crazy to fly to Vegas with a 5 year old and a 5 month old with your wedding gown to renew your vows?

OF COURSE!  But who cares.  The Leong family has a secret to share with you.  Life is short - and ten year anniversaries only happen once (unless you get married more than once and have two ten year marriages, of course - ha!) - and we love over the top crazy.  Did I mention that I can't contain my excitement?

Sure - it will be different.  There won't be any dancing or partying - I'll probably be changing a diaper in my gown and splashing in the pool with Brian and nursing Hope in front of the window overlooking all of Vegas - asleep by 9.  But that's the beautiful thing about our year ten.  We know all too well that none of that other stuff matters.  We have the best time when we're together and living the every day life with our kids.  They are all we need.

If any of you reading have had a personal experience with a Vegas wedding chapel and have a referral or tips to share, I'd love to hear it all!!

Oh and guess what.  Most of these wedding chapels have live internet STREAMING!!!!!!  (YES, I'M SCREAMING BECAUSE I CAN'T CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT!)  That means that all of you will get to see Hope in her fabulous maid of honor dress!!!!  I haven't picked it out yet, but with that face - any old thing will look fabulous on her.

We're gettin' married!!!!!!!!!

(again)

The Gift in the Sky...

My day started earlier than normal with a 6am wake up from little miss Hope!  Usually she has one wake up at 4am to eat and goes back to sleep.  This morning she slept a little longer and was ready to eat... and ready to play!  There was no use sneaking back to bed so I just started my day with her.  Due to an unfortunate diaper issue, she ended up in the bathtub.  So, before her bath I got Brian out of bed early and the three of us sat in the bathroom and read books!  Hope happily splashed away during our early morning story time.

After taking Brian to school, Hope and I played for a little while - but she was clearly ready to go back to bed.  This baby who rarely takes a solid nap went to sleep and stayed asleep for a solid hour!  It's always such a bummer when I have to wake her to go pick Brian up from school.  As soon as I placed her in her carseat - HUGE crocodile tears sprang from her eyes.  

They lasted all of 20 seconds until she fell fast asleep once again... all the way to school... all the way through the hallway where kids were yelling and running and laughing... all the way home... and for another 45 minutes!!  It was quite a surprise.

I couldn't wait to get Brian home.  It was a gorgeous day and I wanted to spend it outside with both of them.  We had a blast!  I love spending time with Brian.  Not to brag, but he's just such a sweet child.  He's funny!  He loves to laugh!  He is open to trying new things!  I sound like I'm describing Ed!

We had lunch and spent a little time playing inside - getting a kick out of Hope who was trying so hard to talk to us... and roll over.  Check it out...

Last week, Brian planted pea seeds in school and brought them home in a little pot.  They shot up quickly so we decided to replant them in a bigger pot!  He put his gardening gloves on and did the whole thing himself.  He was so proud.

We (okay, HE) dug for worms...

...he played airplane...

...he led a parade through the yard and Hope and I happily followed our little leader...

...he climbed the "tower wall" to get away from the Knights that were chasing him...

...then he WAS the Knight guarding the castle.

We even went for a walk in the neighborhood and discovered a HUGE ant hill.  Hope was amused by every little thing her brother did.  And she loved being outside!

Brian even picked a "flower" for her.

"Here you go, Hope!  I love you, punkin!" he said sweetly as he placed the dandelion on her lap.

The entire time we were outside, a bird circled above us.  Brian was the first to spot it - and hear it - and screamed, "It's a SEAGULL!!!!"  I have to admit, it sure sounded like one!  We instantly thought of Gavin who, as you know, loved the beach so much where there are no shortage of seagulls.  It prompted us to have a conversation about Gavin - how much we missed him, how he would have loved playing outside with us, how he would have wanted to crawl into the tub with Hope this morning (which made Brian laugh at the thought!).  Brian and I kept glancing up at the bird all afternoon as we played.  For all I know, it could have been some kind of hawk circling his dinner somewhere near us.  But I chose to cling to my little fantasy.  That this little "seagull" was sent as a gift to us today - to prompt us to talk about Gavin and enjoy recalling memories.

I love these special times with my children.  And I don't take a single thing for granted.  Every moment... good and bad... and every day... hard or easy... is a gift.

Blowing Wishes to Heaven...

This week, Brian got a new bike.  The same training-wheel kind of bike he had before, but bigger to carry his growing body.  The day we got it home - with the tags still on it - he had an unfortunate incident in front of two little neighbor friends - he fell.  He was fine... but his pride was bruised.  Since then, he has been afraid to ride his new bike.

I had to come up with a plan.

So, this morning I announced our goal for the day:  

"Today we're going to be confident!  Not scared of anything.  And maybe we'll try something new!"

"Ok, Mommy!" he replied eagerly.

We packed up his new bike and mine and we all went to the parking lot of his pre-school.  It's flat... big... familiar... and I knew it would be empty.  I had to get this kid's mojo back.

But he wasn't having it.  He asked for Daddy to walk along side him for a while.  Ed obliged.

He asked for me to ride near him for a while.  So I did.

No amount of encouragement could coax him to "let go" and just ride.

We got to a patch of grass that was covered with dandelions.  Brian hopped off his bike, gladly, and headed to the "wish flowers."

"What do you want to wish Mommy?" he asked.

"It's your wish, Brian - you're holding it!" I replied.

"Do you wish I wouldn't be scared to ride my bike anymore?" 

"No.  I would wish that you would remember how fun it is to ride your bike and how good you are at it!"  I said... wishing I had come up with something better.

He stood there with the dandelion in his hand for a minute and then said...

"I wish that Jesus would send Gavin back to me." and he blew as hard as he could.

He picked up another and said "I love Gavin!" - blow - "I love Mommy!" - blow - "I love Daddy!" - blow- "I love Hope!" - blow - "I love Darcy!" - blow.

I watched this boy - so sweet and loving and filled with wishes that are pure and innocent.  And filled with grief over the loss of his brother.

"I just want to do one more, Mommy.  And then I want to go home.  I don't want to ride my bike anymore," he announced.

"Ok, buddy.  That's fine."

And with that, he held the dandelion to his lips once again.  And, once again, wished for Jesus to send his brother back.

As he blew his wishes to Heaven, I did too.  Wishing I could make his wish come true.