There's No One Like Brian...

This morning was Brian's first time taking the bus to school and he was very excited.  We were told to be ready 5-10 minutes early, just in case, and we were.  With Hope sleeping upstairs, Brian and I walked to the top of the driveway and anxiously waited for the bus to round the corner.

We waited... and waited.

The first week or so is always an adjustment so I really didn't expect for the bus to arrive early.  And, quite honestly, I was happy to spend the extra time staring at my happy student.  He was so excited to hear about my time in his school last night.  I attended "Back to School Night" and got to visit his classroom and hear a presentation from his teacher about what to expect this year.

I was thrilled to see Brian's first project - an "About Me" page that he created!  We were asked to send in pictures of his favorite things, places, family, vacation, favorite books and food... etc.  Brian chose the photos and I had them shrunk into wallet size - and then we found pictures online of his favorite book (The Encyclopedia.  Before you get too impressed thinking how fancy he is - it's the Star Wars Encyclopedia) and his favorite food (cheese pizza) and his favorite thing to play with (Legos).  It was fun for me to see what he chose to represent himself!

I took a picture of his name so I can look back at it at the end of the school year.  If he inherits either of his parents handwriting genes - it likely won't improve very much.

We all got to sit in our children's seats, which was a lot of fun!  But not so fun when my old self had to get out of the teeny tiny doll house like chair.  The teacher left papers out for us so we could write our child a note that they would see when they came in this morning, which I thought was such a loving idea.  Right up my alley.  Of course... I wrote a book.  I can't help it.  

So as we stood there in the driveway this morning, I found myself willing the bus to delay.  I love our little conversations.  I love when I compliment him or when I get excited (even if it's faked when he's rambling about storm troopers or the millenium falcon) and his eyes light up.  I love showing him that he's so, very important to me.  Because he is.  The night before the first day of school, Brian and I drove to the parking lot of the school to take his "fake first day" pictures.  We ended up parking ourselves on the curb near the hopscotch and talked and talked and snapped some selfies.  

He played two footed Hopscotch...

...and even let me interview him on camera!

I'm sure it gets old when I blather on and on about how wonderful my children are.  But honestly... Brian is so special.  This little boy has been through so much in his short life... including being there on the day his brother's heart stopped beating.  He has shown a strength and a resilience that is so impressive.  And through it all, he's never shown resentment or even jealousy of Gavin and now Hope.  He's kind and compassionate... and always polite and respectful.  I said to him one day when we were out in public and witnessing an exasperated Mom holler at her son, "You know, Brian - I've never had to "yell" at you."  His response?  "I know.  That's because I'm a good boy!"

That he is.

For the last couple days, Hope and I eagerly await Brian on the driveway.  We can't wait for him to come home.  He has been having so much fun and adjusting so well to the full day with all of his friends - old and new.  

It's hard to say goodbye in the morning... but when that bus rounds the corner and he runs to me...

...there's nothing like being Brian's Mommy. 

First Day of Kindergarten!...

Brian's first day of Kindergarten could not have gone better.  Know why?

Fake first day photo shoot!!!!!!  (and many other reasons... but Fake Photos!!!!)

I started taking "fake first day" photos with Gavin.  It makes for a much less stressful morning for all.  I drove Brian in this morning and we had plenty of time to get dressed, eat and play before leaving.  We ended up getting close to school too early so I pulled over in a parking lot so we could have an impromptu car dance party!  

He was seriously so, so excited.  Five minutes and one deep breath later, we were on our way.  We pulled up to the entrance - his lovely teacher opened the door - and off he went.  Confident and brave.

We came home and Hope ended up taking a nap for the majority of the morning... meaning I got to sit and watch the clock, wonder what Brian was doing, contemplate waking Hope up to play, and looking at the mess all around me that I could have straightened but was too busy watching the clock.  It wasn't going to watch itself, so you know.

After lunch, Hope and I took a field trip to pick out special "homecoming balloons."  We wanted to greet Brian at the top of the driveway with some fanfare!

We were so anxious for the bus to round the corner.

When I heard the familiar sound, my heart leapt!  I stood there with my hand shaking thinking "picture? video? picture? video?"  I went for the pictures of him carefully stepping off the bus...

He looked up and saw us... and the balloons... and his little smirky smile turned into a grin which turned into a huge smile and a hug.

"Did you miss me, Hope?" he asked her as he leaned in for a kiss.

I prepared myself for any kind of behavior today.  He had a long day of behaving and holding himself together - I know him and he's a 'toe the line' kind of kid.  I wasn't sure if he'd come home exhausted and grumpy - or acting out - or excited.  Well he was practically bouncing off the walls with happiness and excitement and all kinds of stories about his day!  The energy didn't quit until he fell asleep at 7!  He had the best day and can't wait to go back tomorrow.  He'll definitely have to get used to some things - like how much time he has at lunch.  He came home with most of his food untouched - and he was starving!  He'll have to figure out that there's a time limit and no one to say, "Keep eating, buddy!"  Ha!  He'll figure it all out.

Before bed, Ed measured Brian inside our basement door.

He marked the date and "kindergarten" so we know this was his first day of Kindergarten measurement.  As Brian skipped away to play with Hope, Ed and I stood together and stared at the markings... and I think both of us swallowed a lump in our throats as his finger fell to where time stopped.  Gavin's last measurement.

Tomorrow is another day.  Brian has a new bus in the morning!  I was able to change him from 6:50am to 7:19 - allowing us 20 extra minutes of sleep.  He's been doing a great job getting himself up with his alarm clock!  He'll fall into his routine... and Hope and I will fall into ours.  As much as I missed Brian, Hope deserves this alone time with her Mommy.  And I am happy to oblige.

It's Your Turn to Fly...

Dear Brian,

Tomorrow is a big, big day.  Tomorrow is a big day for all of us, really.

Your first day of Kindergarten!!

From this moment on, life will change once again for our family.  This is one of those times when Mommy has to put aside her own anxieties and fears and remember that this is really YOUR moment.  

Yes, I'm going to worry incessantly about you while you're gone.  Yes, it is bittersweet that you are the same age that Gavin was when he died - and that he's not here to get excited for you.

But... this is about you.  So there are a few things we want you to know.

We are so proud of you.  Enormously proud.  

Today we had a "First Day of School" photo shoot.  Basically, we faked it.  It was fun and relaxing... which is why we did it the day before!  We want your first day to be fun and relaxing... and not stressful as we rush to try to get "just the right shot" to remember the moment.  

In ten years when you look at these pictures, will you really remember that they were taken the day before?  Oh... I guess you will since I'm writing it down.  Anyway... tomorrow morning we will have one less thing to think about and, for that, I am glad.

Brian, there is a difference between school and life.  In school, you are taught a lesson and then given a test.

In life, you are given a test that teaches you a lesson.

Growing up with Gavin and developing a compassionate and helpful character... and then experiencing his tragic death and all the grief that came with that... they are some heavy tests for someone to have before their fifth birthday.  But because of that journey, you learned invaluable lessons that will never leave you.

Sure - you will learn so much from teachers and books and the school experience.  But Brian, your Dad and I want you to know that it is your character that will bring you the most important personal success in your life.

You are such a special little boy.  I'm sorry - BIG boy.  You're wise beyond your years... charming and persuasive... compassionate and friendly... protective and thoughtful... smart and curious... adventurous and obedient.  It has been so easy to raise you... and a privilege to love you.

I'll never forget the day you were placed into my arms.  Before that day, I had rarely (if ever!) left your big brother's side.  I was so nervous to leave him and stay in the hospital.  But I remember consciously making the decision to focus solely on you and trust that Gavin was in capable and loving hands (and he was with Daddy and Granny and Aunt Bean and our very first aide).  You and I spent four incredible days together in our hospital room - staring at each other, snuggling all day and getting to know each other.  They were four of the best days of my life - we forged a bond that is unbreakable.  You were a peaceful and calm baby - and so, so beautiful.

And so it is now that I find myself consciously making a decision again.  You and I have been attached at the hip - especially since Gavin died.  You were with me through almost all of my ultrasounds and appointments when I was carrying your sister.  And now that she's here, we are like "the three musketeers."  We do everything together!  

But now - it is your turn to fly.  And it's my time to trust that you will be in capable and loving hands.  

Tomorrow is your first day of Kindergarten.  

You will learn new things... make new friends... have new experiences... and develop new skills.  

You will have fun... and embrace a sense of discipline that will carry you through your many years in school - and beyond.  

And we will be excited to welcome our silly, happy boy home every day to hear about all of your adventures.  

Just remember one little thing if you feel nervous... or scared... or worried.  Remember all of those times that you stood by Gavin's side.

And know that by your side is where he'll be forever.  You're never alone.

We love you so much, Brian.

Enjoy your Kindergarten year!!

Love,

mommy.

Taking A Break...

This past Friday was a very exciting ending to two weeks of Brian's swim lessons.  Ed was able to block the end of his day so he could make it to Brian's "graduation" which made both of them so happy!  

Brian really liked his instructor, Katie.  (I only wish I had thought to get her contact information!  Brian would LOVE to see her again as a babysitter!  Dang.)

The day of the last lesson we went out to buy flowers for her, at his request.  She was a really sweet girl!

I can't recommend these lessons enough.  I do believe it's a local program... but I'm sure you could find similar lessons in your area.  This program is called "Swim Fast" and we attended the lessons at Cabrini College.  They also hold lessons at West Chester University.  The next course is in May and I will definitely be signing Brian up for the next level!!

By the last day, he was jumping in... getting himself up above the water... turning himself over on his back... and "swimming" (on his back) the length of the pool.  It was amazing - and we were so, extraordinarily proud of him - especially because we know how scared he was!!  

Check it out...

The next day, I took Brian and Hope to a birthday party all afternoon!  Brian's friends - a set of brother/sister twins from his preschool - invited them to their house for a fun day of bouncing, singing and probably the fanciest and most delicious birthday cake I've ever had.  It was nice for him to see his friends... and I enjoyed hanging out with their wonderful Moms!  We all had such a great time!

That same day, we celebrated Hope's 35th week with us!  Shocking, I know...

...because it's all just whizzing by!

Recently, Hope had some struggles with sleeping.  She was waking up more... not napping... a little cranky.  Then I noticed, I'm sure not coincidentally, that she had a mini-explosion, developmentally!  And now, I'm sure not so coincidentally, she's sleeping more again.  It takes a lot out of a baby to hit these developmental milestones!  Suddenly she's more vocal - babbling different sounds all day long.

She's crawling on all fours.  It just "clicked!"  And boy, is she fast!!

She goes from laying to sitting up on her own and easily picks up toys to shake them, throw them, eat them... or just stare at them lovingly.

And, she's now feeding herself finger foods!  I think this is her most favorite activity of all.  

Watch...

I'm continuing to do her daily back massages up and down both sides of her spine.  I even put the little "puffs" in a jar for two days before I gave them to her!  She's doing great and her skin continues to improve.  I did notice that her little patches sprouted up when we were sitting on the side of the indoor pool watching Brian on Friday.  It was very steamy in there.  Guess what else I noticed?  A little curl on the back of her head!  I see that as a promising sign that Hope might inherit my curls!

I've received a lot of questions about this back massage - so I took a video.  It's not the best video, but I think you'll get the idea.  As you can see, she's awake.  She loves when I do this and is so calm.  Sometimes she gets up and crawls around - and I just follow her!  You have to work with what you have.  I don't stress about it - I just do my best.  I use a little glass jar - picture a tiny glass jelly jar that they give you in a hotel.  Or a tiny baby food jar.  I tuck it anywhere I can so it stays in place... and sometimes I just hand it to her to hold (or chew on).

Hope is such a sweet little girl.  We feel so lucky that we were blessed with yet another calm, peaceful child.

I can't stress enough how important it is to check with your doctor - or consult a NAET practitioner - if your child has severe food allergies.  This is not something you should just try on your own after reading our story or watching the video.  Please.  

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I'm going to be taking a break from my journal for a little while.  I'm having a bit of a hard time and just want to take a step back.  I'll be fine - nothing to worry about.

 Tomorrow's "Share Yourself" is still scheduled to post... and it's possible I won't be able to stop myself from posting a cute photo here and there on the Facebook page or on Instagram.  But other than that... you won't be hearing much from me at all for a bit.  I also won't be replying to messages or questions.  Thank you for understanding and sending some positive thoughts my way.