I Kept the Faith...

I was never really good at Math.  It was always a huge struggle for me.

My Dad was REALLY good at Math.  And I think it was a struggle for him to watch me struggle.

We had many a battle at the kitchen table.  I don't think my Dad would deny that he wasn't the most patient teacher after the 2 hour mark of trying to explain how to tackle math problems.  Our homework or tutoring sessions ended with me in tears 75% of the time.  When it came to that - we were oil and water.

But when it came to matters of the heart?  My Dad was my rock.

Throughout our entire Father/Daughter journey together - which was 41years - I could go to him about anything.  And in 41 years I managed to get myself into a lot of predicaments (you can read all about my history HERE). But he never - not once - lost faith in me.  He never, ever, gave up on me.  And he seemed to possess a patience for me and my problems and my failures and my struggles that from the outside might have looked like enabling.  And maybe, in some ways, it was.

But I think it was much, much more.

My Dad was always a very positive person.  He'd often hang up inspirational quotes and recite inspirational messages like "Don't Quit.  When things go wrong, and they sometimes will - when the road you're traveling seems all uphill..."

I remember many, many bedside conversations...long talks outside...on the phone...where he would remind me that nothing is ever as bad as it seems.  He'd encourage me and tell me there was nothing that I couldn't overcome.  He'd help me to look outside of myself to see that I wasn't the only human suffering.  And he'd constantly - no matter what circumstance I was in - tell me that he was proud of me.  

I really think that he knew that if he just kept drilling his confidence, his positivity, his love for life into my thick skull...that one day, it would stick.  One day I would "get it" - "wake up" - "grow up" - and it would all "click."  Out of the five children he had, I think I was his challenge.  And he wasn't one to back down from a challenge.

It's hard to believe - still - that he's gone.  It was two years ago today that he died suddenly from a stroke.  

His death was so awful for me.  Losing a parent is a profoundly devastating experience.  But in some strange way, I now see his passing as a gift to me in a very small way.  Because of my relationship with him...and all that we shared...I feel like he's still with me.  I don't feel like he's at the cemetery...or floating in Heaven above the clouds.  I feel like he's been with my children and in the car with me and watching us as a family and he's definitely been to the beach with us.  I wasn't able to say "goodbye" to my Dad - and our last phone conversation was not profound.  But because of our relationship - that didn't matter.  He died and there was nothing left unsaid.  I'm so grateful for that.  I still talk to him and channel his positivity in moments when I need him the most.  Because of all of that, I feel like it almost prepared me (in some small way) for Gavin's death.  And I know - because of all my Dad taught me so patiently over the years - that I can and will get through the loss of Gavin.

My Dad wrote me many letters and cards over the years - and I kept them all.  He would almost always sign them "Keep the Faith."  It was a saying that was such a part of my Dad that it's on his tombstone. He would end our phone conversations with, "I love you, honey.  Keep the faith."

Well, I did it, Dad.  I kept the faith.  We are facing the unthinkable...and, because of all you taught me, I am still standing.  And I intend to make you proud until I see you again.  Thank you for caring for our children until we get there.

Ready or Not...

For the past several days, I've been noticing something unusual with Brian.  He developed red under eye circles that get worse as the day goes on.  

He's constantly itching his nose and his eyes.  

And he's sprouted red patches behind his knees.

I knew instantly these were the tell-tale signs of allergies... but to what?  I started thinking of all the things that were new - Halloween candy being at the top of the list.  Brian really didn't eat candy before this Halloween.  Maybe it was sugar.  Maybe it was dyes, which I also try hard to avoid.  And then I wondered if it was leaves - and mold.  I knew that our acupuncturist, Dr. Kang, would help me figure it out quickly.  So today, Brian and I headed to her office.

I'm not going to lie.  I was a nervous wreck.  We had been at Dr. Kang's office when Gavin started to act a little funny on April 10th - and we left that office and headed straight to the Emergency Room.  I probably could have benefitted from acupuncture during this whole pregnancy for a variety of reasons, but arranging appointments while Brian was in school was tricky - and I was trying to be sensitive to him.  I feared that he would be anxious going back there - so I just didn't go.  I wasn't sure how he was going to react when I told him that we had an appointment today.  But when his face lit up and he said he couldn't wait to get a lollipop...I exhaled.

Dr. Kang is a genius.  Before we even got back to a room to test him, she had it figured out.

You can read more about how she tests - and how she helped Brian with previous allergies - in THIS post.  She started with my theories:  sugar, dyes, leaves and mold... and dust.  All negative.  Then she handed Brian a jar filled with weeds.  Bingo.  He's allergic to weeds.  Unfortunately, even the Gavin wishing kind...which he uses to blow wishes to Heaven.  Oh boy.

But have no fear.  We've been there, done that with allergies.  I will be collecting weeds and placing them in a sealed glass jar.  Then I will do his back massages every night until we desensitize him.  I'm not one to jump into medication...and I know this works.  And Brian is thrilled that he'll get "tickled" every night!!

On Tuesday I had another ultrasound of Hope!  I'm currently 32 weeks (Saturday will be 33).  My Mom and sister came along to the ultrasound, which was a lot of fun.  They had never seen 3D images and were completely stunned.  Who wouldn't be??  Look at this precious little face!  If you're wondering who I think she looks like so far...I think she looks like Brian in this photo:

And I think she looks like Gavin in this view:

We shall see!  They were able to tell me that she currently weighs 4lbs, 4oz which just amazed me.  If I go to term (which is unlikely) she could weigh a little over seven pounds.

The doctor showed us her hair again on the ultrasound.  The white spiky lines above the arrow.  Watching it on the ultrasound was cool as you could see it flowing back and forth in the amniotic fluid.

This morning while folding laundry I had the TV on and two different Christmas ads came on.  It was shocking, but not for the reason you might think.  When Gavin died - and I found out I was pregnant - and was told my due date would be Christmas time - it all seemed so far away.  And I liked it that way.  I wanted this pregnancy to go slow...to drag on and on... because I love being pregnant and this will definitely be the last time.  But mostly I hated the idea of rushing away from the last day Gavin lived.  The last day I held him.  Kissed his sweet face.  Held his hand.

But it did go fast.  Just as his five and half years went fast.  And now, it's almost Christmas time...and we will meet the little sister that I know he's already prepped to join our family.  Tomorrow, Miss Sara will be here to help us put up our Christmas tree.  It's very early, I know.  But you just never know when our tiny dancer will make her arrival.  And even though I didn't want to be "here" so soon...

...I'm ready.  

Every Single Rose...

Today is my Mother's 76th birthday!

Brian played "hookey" from school and the two of us and my sister, Bean, spent the day with Granny.

In just three days, it will be the 2 year anniversary of my Father's death.  He had a massive stroke in bed the morning of my Mom's birthday - and was gone three days later.  The irony of her losing her husband on her birthday (not technically - but basically, he was gone that night) - and me losing my son on my birthday is not lost on us.

Over the years (the many, many years that they were married!), my Dad would often bring home a single rose for my Mom.  Sometimes for a reason - like her birthday - and sometimes for no reason at all.  Today she wanted to visit his gravesite and we went along.

She left him two roses... 

...one for each of them.

I asked Brian while we were still at the cemetery, "What do you think Pop's doing right now?"

He replied, "I think he's playing with Mom-Mom."  Just as we turned to each other to smile, thinking of Pop playing with my Mom's Mother... he added, "And playing catch with Gavin!"

After the cemetery, the four of us went to lunch at a restaurant that was very special to my Mom and Dad.  Granny insisted on treating, which is very rude to do on your own birthday - but its hard to argue with the matriarch.

As each birthday goes by, I hope my Mom is able to remember every single rose...every single laugh...every single happy memory of every single year she spent with my Dad.

Tomorrow morning, my Mom and sister will join me at my monthly ultrasound where we will all see beautiful, miraculous images of the Hope in my belly.  Reminding us all that even though death is  inevitable...hope, and new life are always around the corner.

Happy Birthday, Granny!!  We love you so, so much.

Slowing Down...

Yesterday I hit the 32 week mark in my pregnancy.

I also spent the evening in Labor and Delivery at the hospital.

Everything is fine.

But as I get further and further along... I am getting more and more uncomfortable.  I've mentioned before that I have an "irritable uterus."  What exactly IS an "irritable uterus?" I hear you asking.  Here are some explanations.

 Irritable Uterus feels like…

• Braxton Hicks – regular or irregular, but, in general, more than 5 an hour and they onset in a frequent/regular fashion before you are full-term (can go on regularly for 1-3 hours at a time or more)
• A constantly tight belly, which feels like one constant Braxton Hicks, may be harder/tighter when standing or walking, can last for 10 minutes to an hour or more
• Regular or irregular painful contractions that feel like “the real thing” – cause real fear that cervical change may be happening, can be accompanied by cervical pain or pressure

Given my (quite extensive and drama-filled) history, my OB like to err on the side of caution.  When the contractions or constant tightness go on for too long, even with lots of water drinking and rest on my part, he prefers that Hope gets checked on the monitor in the hospital.  This happened in Gavin's pregnancy... and in Brian's pregnancy... and I was a frequent flier in Labor and Delivery all the way to the end.

During those pregnancies I got a lot of "side eyes" from people who didn't understand what this was like.  I suppose they thought I was being melodramatic by always running to the hospital.  I would also get lectures that I was "doing too much" "not drinking enough"  "stressing too much" - you name it. But the irritability I have can be brought on by peeing...having a full bladder...going from sitting to standing...and, to add one more thing I can't control - Hope's movements.  Hope is like an acrobat in my belly and moves day and night.  What can I do?

These trips to the hospital always produce a level of anxiety in me.  I often get flashbacks to Darcy's pregnancy.  I remember deciding that maybe I was overreacting.  The second I let my guard down - she was gone. Her death was caused by a freak cord accident.  So, you can imagine my anxiety with every trip to the hospital.

I'm sure I have also been looked at strangely when I have everything ready for the baby so early in my pregnancies.  I have had Hope's equipment and co-sleeper and pack and play and car seat open and in place for a couple months.  They are all washed and set up so they can "air out."  Her nursery is 90% completed.  The newborn clothes and blankets are washed and ready.  And soon I will have my official bag packed for the hospital.  I do all this way ahead of time because I know me.  And I know that the last couple months are difficult and I won't want to - or physically be able to - do all of these things. Between the irritable uterus - an extreme case of sciatica that has me wincing every time I step down on my right foot - and exhaustion... these last weeks for me are all about survival.  (And putting up our Christmas tree which is essential before I go!)

I'm slowing down.

I also officially went on blood pressure medicine a few days ago.  Having pregnancy induced hypertension in previous pregnancies - and being over 40 put me at greater risk for having it again.  This wasn't a surprise to me - and there's not a lot I can do about it.  I'm definitely careful about what I'm eating, drinking a ton of water, getting rest and keeping my stress level down as much as possible.  I've also been getting non-stress tests in my OB's office twice a week.

I had mentioned several weeks back that my scheduled C-Section was set for Christmas Eve.  I'm not stressing about that anymore.  The likelihood of me delivering before then is probably pretty high.

Thank you to all of you who continue to join me in believing Hope born!!  There are days that I look down and STILL can't believe that we're having a baby.  It's just unbelievable.  And now she's almost here.

We are so grateful for this new life.

Until Next Season...

Today was Brian's last Tee Ball game.  He was so excited - for the game, for the party afterward and for the trophy he knew he'd receive.  But he was also a little sad to see it end.  And, to be honest, so was I.  (I've come a long way, right??)  The only thing I won't miss is the long trek from the parking lot to the field carrying a big baby belly!

On our walk to the field this morning, Brian spotted a dandelion and - as usual - had to stop.  Every time he sees one of these he says, "Hold on!  I need to make a wish for Gavin!"  then he blows all of the *wishies* off and says, "Hi Gavin!"  

I love that Brian sees (and has us see!) everything in such a new and beautiful way.

Brian did a great job on the field!!  He has progressed so much.  He still loves to stand out there waving and giving us the "thumbs up" and watching the leaves fall and counting birds...

...but he also has some serious skills!!  Clearly he gets his natural athleticism from his Mother.  (Ha!)

After the game, the kids had a pizza party and an awards ceremony!  All the kids got a trophy, which Brian was SUPER excited about.

I remember the day that I walked into the local YMCA - Gavin's death was very recent and I was desperate to find activities to keep Brian busy.  I had no idea what I was doing. I signed him up for swimming lessons and Tee Ball... walked to my car with tears in my eyes and my fingers crossed.  Both experiences turned out to be wonderful.  Just what Brian needed.  And to be honest?  Just what we didn't even KNOW we needed.  Watching Brian's pure joy and eagerness to learn got us out of our grief for short periods of time.  

We owe a special thanks to Brian's wonderful and patient coaches, Jon and Michelle Agnew.  I don't know how they did it, but they always remembered the kids names.  And they encouraged each of them along the way.  Brian really flourished because of them!! 

As we got in the car, Brian instructed us to say "Bye, Tee-Ball!  We'll miss you!"

And you know what?  We will.

Until next season!!

Brian's First Halloween...

It's true.

This is Brian's very first true Halloween.  In years past, I would choose the costumes for Gavin and Brian.  I would pose them for photos.  We would go to the neighborhood Halloween party a week or so before October 31st.  They thought that was Halloween.  Gavin never ate candy - and Brian didn't know he was missing anything.  He wasn't going to be eating candy anyway.  They were both in bed asleep before anyone would ring our doorbell.  I just thought they were too young.

But this year, things have changed.  Brian is older, has more of an opinion, learns what his friends do in school... and this year, he chose his costume.

Introducing... our HAPPY SKELETON!!!

The Halloween celebration began last weekend when our neighbor-friends, Patti and Patrick, hosted the annual neighborhood Halloween party.  Brian had a blast with his good friends, Seamus and Molly.  I think his favorite part of the party was getting to eat Cheese Curls.

Brian was so "over the top" excited that Seamus and Molly were like... "Dude - they're only cheese curls."

Then, during the week, Brian and I spent a few hours volunteering at his school to decorate for the next day's Halloween parade and party!  The entire hallway to the classrooms was decorated with hanging streamers and balloons - it was so much fun!

The Halloween Parade was adorable.  Brian and his neighbor-friend, Daniel, stuck by each other as they trick or treated around the school.

I was posted at one of the stations giving out tattoos and lollipops!

Brian was so excited that I was there...and even more excited that Daddy came from work to be there!  Lucky Daddy works about three minutes from Brian's school.

After trick or treating, the kids had a party in their classroom and made Halloween crafts.  Brian had such a great day!  But wait!  That's not all!!!

Tonight was the actual Halloween - and all of us, including Miss Sara, went trick or treating with Brian.  In costume!!

Daddy is obviously a hockey player... and Brian, Hope and I are coordinating skeletons!!

Miss Sara wins the prize for her homemade Angry Bird costume - which completely delighted Brian...

We met up with Brian's friends, Seamus and Molly, and went to only eight houses - which was more than enough for these little guys.

One of the highlights was our neighbor who HAND MAKES all of his elaborate lawn decorations.  He carves all of this out of wood and paints them.  It's really incredible.

The three of them had such a fun night.  Apologies to the neighbors for the multiple doorbell rings, knocks and "anyone home?!?!?"  It was pretty adorable from the outside!

I think Brian's favorite part was rushing home so he could give out candy to the arriving trick or treaters.  When it would slow down, he would open the door and shout to the sky, "Hello?  Any trick or treaters out there?"  He took his job very seriously!!

We made it through our first Halloween!

Hope everyone had a safe, fun night.

Unbroken Connections...

I have said this so many times, but I'm happy to say it forever.  We had the best supports in place for Gavin... for Brian... and, quite honestly, for us.  From the beginning of Gavin's life working with Gavin's first NICU nurse... to the end of his life working with very gentle PICU doctors.  But the in-between...those years with Gavin's therapists...will be etched in my mind forever.  And for the last two and a half years of his life - that bus was driven by Jessica Cratty.  Jessica was Gavin's service coordinator, which means she was in charge of his case and many of the decisions that were made.

Over the years, Jessica and I developed a great relationship.  I knew I could call her for anything... ask her anything... propose anything... she was always so receptive.  If I do say so, Gavin had the best team of therapists that ever was - and that was thanks to Jessica.  She also held my hand (that's pretty much almost literal!!!) when I was told that Brian would need speech therapy and teacher services and he'd be going to school for four days a week.  That was hard...but, once again, Jessica never steered us wrong.  She suggested a school...met me there to see it and meet the teacher, Miss Laura...and it turned out to be a wonderful experience.  She even set it up so that Brian would have familiar therapists!!  Miss Maggie, Gavin's speech therapist, was now Brian's!  And Miss Janna, Gavin's teacher, was now Brian's (for extra, one-on-one teacher services)!  

Jessica recently had a baby - her first.  Proving that you really never know what life will throw your way... her little girl that was showered and anticipated and decorated around was born...a boy!!!  They named their little son Myron to honor two special men in their family.  

Is he a beautiful baby, or what???

She even let me hold him for a while which either delighted baby Hope in my belly - or made her very jealous.  She was jumping all over the place under Myron's little feet!

Brian couldn't resist his cuteness, either, as you can see...

I've had two newborn infants in my home over the past month - Gavin's teacher, Miss Megan with her baby Maggie... and now Myron.  Both times Brian was so, so good.  He either played independently or brought over a toy or two (looks like Myron likes Darth Vader, too).  I don't think I have to worry too much about Brian once Hope arrives!

All of the people that made up "Team Leong" mean so much to me.  The therapists, the teachers, the service coordinators - everyone.  And Jessica's visit meant a lot to me.

I'm so grateful that these connections remain unbroken after Gavin's death.