When Hope Gets Bigger...

Our little Miss Hope turned four weeks old today!

She's changing so much.  Not just in size!  She's showing more personality, nursing like a champ and staying alert and awake a little more often.  Well - except during this photo session...

...and she's back.

It's really hard to imagine that there was life before Hope - but then it's also hard to imagine that we're living life without Gavin.  It's a constant tug of war in my heart.  Part of me resents that - I don't want this tug of war!!  I want the happy to be happy - and the sad to be sad.  It's confusing to have them mixed together.

But perhaps that is the greatest lesson in all of this.  That the human heart can not only handle - but actually manage - those two huge emotions at once.  And that it's okay to feel both strongly with one not overshadowing or negating the other.

This little daughter of mine came with lessons for me, as you can see!

Brian continues to amaze me with how well he's handled this HUGE life change.  He loves Hope so much.  Tonight as Hope and I laid with him going to bed for our nightly "chat," he said...

"When Hope gets bigger, I think we should all sit together so you can tell her the story about when Gavin died."

"That's a good idea," I replied.

"I want her to know all about Gavin.  I wish Gavin was here instead, Mama."

"You wish Gavin was here instead of Hope, you mean?"  I asked.

"Uh-Huh.  But I still love Hope.  You'll tell her that, right Mommy?"

"Of course I will.  But you can tell her, too!" I told him.

"I love you, Hope..." he whispered as he kissed her on the head.

I'm trying to take it easy on myself these days.  I get very little sleep during the night so I am not pushing myself to accomplish everything I normally would during the day.  Just as I expected - I have an oversupply of breastmilk.  This happened with Gavin and Brian as well.  With Gavin it didn't matter because I exclusively pumped for him.  With Brian it was a challenge because it caused him to choke and spit up and he eventually developed reflux.  I'm having the same issue with Hope now, unfortunately.  

I don't wake Ed during the night (although I'm sure he wakes when he hears her cry!) because of this issue.  (Although I really never woke him with the boys, either.)  I'm not using the pump so as not to make my body think it needs to create MORE milk.  I'm nursing more frequently so she gets smaller amounts at each feeding - and I have her sitting up to nurse.  The position is tricky - especially at night - and I've developed carpal tunnel in both hands and wrists - which happened when I nursed Brian, too.  Even if I prop her, I still need to contort my body and my hands to hold her - and hold me for her - I'm a mess!  Anyway... all that to say, I'm not stressing about getting things done... or doing things perfectly... or even imperfectly... or sometimes even at all!  Back in the day, I would have freaked if I didn't show all the Christmas photos in the right journal entry - which would obviously be ON Christmas day - not days later.  But oh well...

I took these photos of Granny with Brian and Hope on Christmas night after I posted my journal entry.  And I realized that Ed and I never took photos of each other with the kids in front of the tree!  One day I'll have a decent hair day and we'll re-create Christmas for those pictures.  Don't be surprised if they show up on Valentine's Day.  That's just how it's gonna be around here for a while.  Ha ha!

I'm so happy with how these photos turned out of my beautiful Mother with our children...

Every day, multiple times, I see people giving their thoughts about who Hope looks like the most.  Some see Brian in her - some see Gavin.  I really think she's a beautiful combination of both boys.  I don't think Gavin and Brian looked alike that much - but Hope really has features from both of them. 

Here are some photos to compare.

Gavin at one month and Hope at three weeks...

Gavin at two months.

Brian at two weeks...

He was also a little peanut!

Hope at three weeks...

What do you think?

Bathed in Love...

Ed and I couldn't be prouder of Brian.  

Let's face it - the kid has been through a lot.  His brother suddenly dies.  He has to learn what dying actually means at much too young of an age.  He stops seeing Miss Sara on a daily basis - who was at our house every weekday for over a year.  (She still is over to visit a lot - but it's definitely a big change!)  He finds out he's getting a sister.  He starts a new school.  He was schlepped to many OB visits and as my belly grew, I got a lot less "fun" during playtime.  And now - there's a new baby in the house.

That's an awful lot of changes for a four year old (five this Monday!) - but Brian has handled it all beautifully.  He's changed so much - grown up so fast over these last seven and a half months.  He has a newfound maturity...has become more independent...

and he has come out of his shell socially.  Every so often he says or does something that we would consider slightly "fresh" - but I try not to overanalyze those moments anymore.  It's possible these little incidents are completely normal, developmentally.  All kids at this age try to assert themselves and "test" out their behavior on their family.

Brian still sleeps in his big brother's bed - and every night after we read a book he still wants me to go through the day that Gavin died.  And I'm still very happy to oblige, no matter my mood, as I know that this is what he needs to process his grief.  Our goal since Gavin died has been to keep Brian's life happy and as "normal" as we can.  I hope when he grows up and understands more about life he will tell us that we did right by him.  That's all we would need to hear to die happy. 

 Last night we documented a milestone in Hope's little life.

Her first bath.

And in many ways, it was a milestone for Ed and me.  I'm so glad that we waited to give her her first bath together.  We knew it would be a bittersweet moment.

And it was.

Ed was in charge of the camera and captured every second.  The initial immersion into the bathtub was shocking and scary for her and she let out a cry...

but it didn't last long.  

As soon as I wrapped the wet, heavy receiving blanket around her - a trick I started with Gavin who needed to feel a sense of security and warmth - she transformed into a total Buddha baby.  

It was such a joy to bathe her - and to see her reaction to water.  In a way the experience was very healing for us.  Bathing her with the water - in the same tub that we bathed our boys - cleansed us in a small way of some of the sorrow we've carried.  

 We miss Gavin so much - but we would both admit that this little baby has brought a healing to our family that nothing else could.  

I was most looking forward to washing her hair.  There's something so beautiful about washing someone's hair - whether they're a baby or an adult.  It's like a loving form of service - a humble act of love.  

I remember the first time I washed Gavin's hair...

...and Brian's.

And last night was Hope's turn and she was just as zen as her brothers.  

It was hard to choke back my tears as I wrapped Hope in a fluffy towel and saw how relaxed and happy she was.  

 She really is such a sweet, sweet baby.  (There is a very special story about this big, pink princess towel!  You can read about it - and have your faith in corporate america restored - in THIS post.)  

All bathed and ready for bed.  Hope sleeps in our room, making it easier for me to breastfeed every 2-3 hours.  Every time my alarm goes off for a feeding - or she wakes up crying and hungry... every time she requires me to put on my glasses for a poopy diaper change in the wee hours of the morning... every time she needs me... I am grateful.  

You won't hear me complain.  For I know these moments are merely blips in time.  I know these moments are fleeting.  And I know all too well that these moments come to an end in one way or another.  So I surrender myself to joy and gratitude while honoring my profound pain.  And with each little act of duty I perform for my daughter - she bathes me in love in return.

One Week Old!...

What a difference a week makes.  This time last week, Ed and Brian dropped me off at the hospital... fully expecting to come pick me up in a few hours.  Instead, I found out I was in labor and had blood pressures that refused to come down despite multiple medications through my IV.  Next thing I know, my OB looked me in the eye and said, "You might want to call Ed.  Looks like you're having a baby today!"

I had such strong feelings about where I wanted to deliver.  I wanted Hope to be born at Paoli Hospital. It was where Gavin and Brian were born... where Gavin spent a month in the NICU... where we bonded with nurses who knew us... and where Gavin had his febrile seizure, which ultimately led to his death.  I really did not want to deliver at Lankenau - it was where I spent 5 1/2 days delivering Darcy. I made my wishes known just about every time I saw my OB.  Last week I ended up at Lankenau because my OB happened to be there when I called.  By last week I had decided to look at the entire hospital issue differently... just in case it didn't turn out the way I had hoped.  I decided that maybe it was in the plan to deliver both of my daughters at Lankenau... and my sons at Paoli.  Maybe in delivering Hope at Lankenau, it would help heal the part of my heart that was left broken after leaving Darcy there.

As it turns out  - I was right.  As I was wheeled down the hall for my C-Section, I gasped when I saw the room we were about to enter.  It was the same room where I had a surgical procedure that would hopefully help Darcy deliver.  Before the door even opened, I had a flashback to that day... laying on the table.  I really believe there are no coincidences.  I was meant to deliver in that hospital... in that room.  And the nursing care I received along the way - from my frequent visits to my four day stay after Hope arrived - was exceptional.  Everyone was compassionate... encouraging... and laughed at my drugged up jokes.  And the NICU nurses and doctor that cared for Hope were reassuring and supportive.  I'll never forget the four days I spent at Lankenau.  Everything happened the way it was supposed to... someone guided the entire experience, including me needing to deliver there.

The last couple days have been great and challenging and wonderful.  Hope spent a total of one full day on the bili-blanket before we were told it was okay to take it off!  As of this morning, her numbers came down considerably.  She won't need the blanket anymore at all!  Her weight came down one ounce, but it's not a concern.  She's now 5lbs, 10oz.  We'll be taking her to the pediatrician on Monday morning for another weight check.

The challenging parts have been waking her sleepy self for feedings... and a plugged duct in one of my breasts that has been pretty painful.  She will take a bottle when she's this sleepy - so I've decided to pump a bottle for her feedings for the time being.  After she finishes, I nurse her until she is "done."  It seems to be working out well.  My goal is to be sure she maintains her weight and doesn't miss feedings.  The rest will fall into place later.

Brian has continued to be the best big brother - helper - and all around angel child.  He wants to help with everything, which is so adorable.  He will sing to Hope and talk to her and he loves to ask me all kinds of questions about her and her care.  My favorite from today - as I was breastfeeding her - "Mama?  When I was a baby, did I drink milk out of those same breasts?" as he pointed to mine.

He also seems to know that it's a busy, exhausting time right now.  He'll play independently or just snuggle up in bed with me to pass the time.  Today the three of us watched "Happy Feet" from my bed. (A very odd movie, if you ask me!)  And Ed took him out to Love Bomb him with a trip to Arnold's! He really seems to be handling this transition well.  We're so proud of him!

This first week just flew by.  I can't find the words to express my gratitude for this unexpected miracle.