Nothing Is By Chance...

On Friday night, my Mom, Ed, Brian and I were leaving the rides on the boardwalk for our walk home. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted white tents... and as I turned my head I realized they were lining the edge of the boardwalk as far as I could see.  As we got closer - we realized it was an art show with each tent housing a different artist.  I felt my heart leap - surely this would be where I would find the photo or painting of the pier where we scattered some of Gavin's ashes.

But... they were all closing up to go home.

I ran up to one of the artists and he told me they'd all be open again at 11am the next morning.  My Mom and I couldn't wait to go back.  It would be our last day there.  What are the chances that there would be an art show that we would just happen upon RIGHT before we left Ocean City for home?  I was sure it had to be a sign that I would find the perfect piece.  I had looked in stores up and down the boardwalk and even online - I hadn't found anything that really spoke to me as of yet.  It had to be "perfect" and I knew I know "the one" when I saw it.

The next morning we all got ready and headed up to walk from tent to tent.  It didn't take long until I was drawn into a particular tent.  There were incredible photographs and I just had a gut feeling that the gentleman would have one of the pier.  

As I entered the tent, my eyes immediately went to a gorgeous photo of the pier.  It took my breath away.

I knew that this was "it" - but I walked away to look at all the other artists just to be "sure."  It didn't take long for me to head back - I had to have that print.  The photographer was very nice and, as it turns out, lives not too far away from us!  When I told him I wanted a larger size than he had in stock, he gave us his number and told us to call him - he'd ship it to our home.  My Mom started chatting with the photographer and his wife and, ironically, they grew up in the same town.  As they reminisced, I told my Mom to catch up to us - that we were going to keep strolling down the boardwalk.  We walked away so happy to have found THE print.

A few minutes later, I saw my Mom coming towards us with rather frantic eyes.  When she got to me, she grabbed my arm and said, "You're not going to believe this..."

She explained that she had been talking with the photographer's wife for a little bit and before she left to catch up to us she explained to her why we were so happy to find that photograph.  The woman was very sympathetic, my Mom said - and then they went their separate ways.

As my Mom walked down the boardwalk towards us, she heard loud footsteps banging up behind her. Then - a tap, tap, tap on her shoulder.  She turned to see the photographer, with tears in his eyes, and he said, "You're not going to believe this..."

He explained that just a couple weeks before they had been on the boardwalk for an art show just like this.  A woman came into my tent and inquired about that very same photograph of the pier.  The woman picked it up and explained to me that she wanted to buy it for a friend.  Then, she proceeded to tell me the story about Gavin... your grandson. She even told me to go take a photo of the fire truck at Gillian's Wonderland Pier that was painted in honor of him.  I was so moved by the whole thing that I handed this woman the print and said - "Please, just give it to the family."

My Mom could barely relay the story through her tears.  Ed and I had to go back to talk to this man - and find out who the mystery person was that chose the exact same print for US!

When we got to him, he just shook his head.  "You don't understand," he said - "that photo is one that's been in the back of the bin.  For some reason, right before that show, I decided to put it on display." He opened up his computer to show me the mystery woman's name - and his notes that said "Take photo of fire truck at Gillians."  The woman actually works at our local pharmacy... one that we frequented quite a bit for Gavin.  They practically became family during the crisis with his corneal abrasion when he nearly lost his eye.  It felt like we were in there every other day.  She is also a reader of this blog and just the nicest person.  I just couldn't believe it.  Any of it.

I mean, really... what are the chances...

...We would happen upon the art show.

...It would be on our last day.

...That I would be drawn to his tent - and straight to the photograph.

...That just a couple weeks before someone else would be drawn to the same tent - to the same photograph - with Gavin and our family in mind.

...That the photographer would hear Gavin's story - and then meet us as we chose the same exact photograph.

It's beyond my comprehension.  Gavin was so involved in this entire experience - I know it like I know my name.

Gary Donnelly, the photographer, was once again so moved by the whole experience that he insisted on gifting us not only the large print we originally intended to buy - but the photo he will be taking of the fire truck as well.

I wish that Mr. Donnelly had a Facebook page so I could have all of you flood it with likes and comments!  He does have a website and if you click HERE you can see all of his beautiful photos of Ocean City... including the shot I fell in love with of "Gavin's pier."

All of us are still shaking our heads in disbelief.  

Truly... nothing is by chance.

Until Next Year...

Today was our last day in Ocean City.  Tomorrow morning we will do some last minute cleaning in our friend's house and get on our way home.  I will be very happy to get back home.  It's been a long week.  Physically, emotionally, mentally... in every way.  There were high highs when I was with Brian and watching him have SO much fun on the beach...

...and some low lows when I stole away to spend some alone time with Gavin under the pier.

The evening I went to the pier, the most remarkable thing happened.  I turned to walk back up the beach for home, wiping tears from my eyes - and suddenly a huge batch of bubbles flew in front of me!  Gavin LOVED bubbles.  I turned to see where they were coming from and saw two little boys... likely brothers... blowing bubbles and laughing.  I know Gavin is always with me... always around us... but that was like a clear sign in that very moment.  And on my walk back up, I found five incredibly perfect shells - I wasn't even looking for them.  It was really a beautiful moment.

I'm so happy my Mom was here with us this week.  And Brian was THRILLED to have time with her.  I think he's definitely going to go into "Granny Withdraw" when we get home!

The parts of the week that made me happiest were our trips to the boardwalk.  Each day, Brian got braver and braver and tried new rides.  I love wild rides - and Ed doesn't.  I always hoped that at least one of my children would inherit my "ride gene!"  Gavin definitely did - the wilder the ride, the better!  And Brian was my Ed... always playing it safe.  But this year there's been a shift - and every night I felt the tug and would look down to see Brian looking at me and pointing at a crazy ride.  We had so much fun.

He also had a great time by himself on some rides - including the boats, which he really loves.  Watch him in action...

I didn't want to push him to do anything he didn't want to do - even though I secretly REALLY wanted to see him ride Gavin's fire truck.  On the last day, he finally did... on his own.  And he loved it.  Check it out...

Ocean City is such a special place for us.  We have made many happy family memories here over the years.  This year was not easy - and coming back here was hard... but it was right.  Gavin would want us to continue making memories by the ocean he loved so much.  And knowing that he is now a part of that ocean... and even the boardwalk... this town means so much more than it ever did.

So... until next year, Ocean City.  The summer of 2014 we will be back with an even braver five year old, Brian, and a bright light named Hope.

I have a very special story to tell you about an incredible experience we had on the boardwalk this afternoon.  I'll save it for tomorrow.  It will be worth the wait.  If you ever thought that things happen by chance - tomorrow's post might change your mind forever.

Mama? Gavin Loved Being With Us...

While laying with Brian at bedtime tonight - a ritual since Gavin died - he said to me...

"Mama?  Gavin loved being with us.  He had so much fun with us at the beach.  It's not FAIR that he had to die and go to Heaven!" as he pounded his fist on his bed for dramatic effect.  And then, as usual, he wanted me to tell the story about what happened the day that Gavin died.  

He's right.  It's not fair.  And during this beach trip, I have gone back and forth with whether this trip feels "too soon."  But I tend to think everything is "too soon" these days.  I know that Gavin IS here with us - and so, so happy that we're here as a family in his favorite place.  I am sure that he's especially happy to watch his little brother having so much fun - especially in the ocean!  Brian stayed far away from the water until just this year!  Watching him bravely splash around with us really does make us feel better.  Even if it's just a little bit.

My brother, sister in law and my adorable niece, Isabella, are at the beach for a few days, too!

We met on the beach this morning and Brian had a great time playing with Isabella.  She and Brian are the youngest grandchildren - a year and a half apart.  Brian gets to be the "older" cousin with her and they are just adorable together.

Granny and I have quite fancy chairs on the beach!  (And thanks to Ed, our sherpa, they are schlepped across the sand and set up under shady umbrellas every day!)  You won't find me purposefully sitting out in the sun unless I venture out to play with Brian in the ocean or playing in the sand here and there.  Today I shared my "throne" with him while he ate a snack.  Playing is tough work, you know.

But breaks are short.  Because playing is also very serious business.

This afternoon, after power washing the sand out of every nook and cranny, we headed up to the boardwalk for some late afternoon fun.  Brian shocked us once again with his newfound sense of adventure by announcing he wanted to try the bumper cars!

Lucky for him, he was the only kid in the cars on his very first turn.  The ride operator - a young kid named Dante (I'll never forget this!) - was so patient and helped Brian get the hang of driving his car.  When the ride was over he, of course, wanted to go again.  This time, there were other kids who arrived to drive some of the other cars.  Brian was now an experienced driver and it was so fun to see him intentionally bump into the other cars!  But we noticed something very, very sweet.  He purposefully sought out and bumped into a car with two boys in it... and they bumped him back.  But he also purposefully avoided a car with a little girl in it... swerving out of the way, even.  

My chivalrous little boy.

Painfully Perfect...

The last few days we have been in Ocean City, New Jersey.  I feel so lucky that my sisters came down with their families this weekend to spend time with us.  We parked ourselves on the beach right near "Gavin's Pier."  Watching Brian play with the pier in the background - knowing that this is one of his brother's final resting places - was both painful... and perfect.

My nephew, David, spent HOURS building sand castles and playing games with Brian.  He set the bar high for when he leaves to go back to New Hampshire!!  (I am just too pale for hours of beach play!)  David told me later, "I was just construction - Brian was the engineer."  

As much as I was so, so happy to be with my family... I actually felt sick to my stomach thinking of Gavin by that pier and being on the beach without him.  Many times I had to choke back tears.  You just never know what to expect with grief.  Ironically... it comes in waves.  But watching my nieces and nephews play made it a little easier.  I really do have such a great family.

Saturday night we all headed to the boardwalk.

My beautiful Mother is here with us...

...and she is such a proud and doting Granny.

Brian was SO excited - he LOVES the boardwalk as much as his big brother did.

And he REALLY loved hanging out with his boy cousins who completely showered him with attention!!

Our first stop was to see Gavin's fire truck and, as expected, it was a very emotional experience.  I actually had to walk away afterward.  We should all be standing behind the fence cheering as we watch Gavin and Brian riding together.... not piling in for a memorial shot.  It was painful, yet perfect, to have everyone assemble for this photo.

Last year, Brian had me go with him into this obstacle course - and it was not easy!  Climbing ropes, sliding down small chute slides... there was no way my pregnant self was braving it this year.  So, YAY for cousins!!  They were thrilled to go with him...

...and Brian was thrilled to lead the way like a big shot!

I even went on a few rides.  The swings with my Goddaughter, Shannon, was the highlight of the night for me!!

It was a fun - and a very late! - night.  We didn't get Brian in bed until after 11pm which is unheard of!!  But he hung in there all night and had so much fun.

We went back last night for some more fun - and I noticed that Brian is getting braver and braver.  The two of us went on this crazy tugboat ride together and the entire time he giggled and exclaimed, "This is the best ride ever!"  We had to do it two times in a row!  I think Gavin must have left Brian some of his adventurous spirit.

Today, we say goodbye to my sisters and brothers in law and their families.  I am so grateful that they spent this weekend with us - it  meant so much to me.  We will be here with my Mom for a few more days... having fun, making memories and remembering Gavin.

Life is messy... and perfect... and beautiful... and painful.  One day the ocean can be calm and peaceful - the next it can be rough and choppy.  The tides can be high... or low... you just have to hold on and ride the waves.  And never forget that even when the storms hit - you're strong enough to come out on the other side.  Maybe a little tattered... maybe slightly broken... but still standing.

Life is painfully perfect.

Our Week at the Shore...Part One!

We're back!!  I can't believe that my last blog entry was Monday.  I didn't intend to not write all week...but I did intend to not push myself to do anything just because I felt I "should."  That includes writing, picture taking, going to the beach again - all of it.  Shocking, right?

So now I'm overwhelmed.  Miss Sarah is back today so I've come up to my bedroom for a little while to have some time alone while she plays with the boys downstairs.  I'm trying to figure out how to summarize our trip and share the photos and videos without boring the crap out of all of you.  Wish me luck with that.  I've set aside 36 photos and videos.  Can you handle it??  I can assure you that each one is worth it!!

First, I want to say thank you again (and again.  and again.  and then some more.) to our friends, Elayne and Geoff, for offering their beautiful home to us this week.  We felt so pampered!!  We were steps from the boardwalk (where we went every single night!) and the beach (where we did NOT go any other days this week, thank God.)

And we were so happy to have my Mom with us for this trip. 

 It was the longest she's ever spent with all three of my boys.  I was so happy that she had time to really "get to know" Gavin and Brian and see their personalities.

And let's face it...I think every daughter wants their Mommy to see them "Mommying."  She is my Mommy inspiration, so getting validation from her this week that I was doing a pretty okay job was the best feeling in the world.

At this point I don't even remember what day we did what...what days we were where...what my name is...and how to survive without night time boardwalk fun.  But there are a few things I do remember.  Here we go...

The rainy day cliffhanger.  

I had lots of great suggestions of things to do on that rainy Monday.  By the time we had a couple ideas we liked and got close to thinking about possibly planning something - BOOM - it was naptime.  For all of us.  Brian slept for four hours that day!  That meant we were VERY rested for a fun night at the boardwalk.  Up until that night, Brian was not at all interested in the rides.  I wanted him to lead...and if he never went on a ride, that was okay.  That evening we were standing inside one of the amusement areas when I felt a tug.  "Mama, I want to go on that," as he pointed up into the sky.  I didn't even look to see what it was...I just said "Ok - let's go!"  It ended up to be a "Raiders of the Lost Ark" type of obstacle course.  You can see their promotional video here.  It started with a rope ramp that Brian was too afraid to climb.  So I climbed this thing for both of us - lifting him up as I went.  Then we had to contend with a blow up slide that I was sincerely worried I wouldn't fit in.  Brian stood on the platform staring at it - refusing to get in.  

We had few options.  He had to either go down that slide...or I'd have to carry him back down that rope ladder.  Or the fire department could send up a ladder (which was sounding really good at that moment).  We let lots of kids go in front of us as we stood on that platform.  Finally he announced that he was ready - but Mommy first.  Oh boy.  What if I went down...and he wouldn't follow me?  I decided to take the chance and I bounced down (slowly).  It literally felt like I was being squeezed out of the birth canal...definitely not for the claustrophobic types! The good news?  Brian came bouncing down after me...laughing and smiling.  

And when he got to the bottom he jumped up and down and said "I did it!  I did it, Mama!!" 

He ran across the rickety rope bridge.  

He flew down the long (and very high!) slide.

And when he came out at the very end, he was SO full of himself...in the best way.

From that point...it was all over.  He had found his confidence - and he remained that way for the rest of the week.  Each day after - several times a day, actually - he'd remind me of that obstacle course and how he did it "all by himself."  He was so proud.  And so was I.  Oh, and I made it all the way through, too.  Barely!

I was so happy that he wanted to go on the cars with his brother after that.  They had a great time on these cars over the whole week!  As you'll see on the video, Gavin was THRILLED to have his personal driver back.  His smile says it all...

The boys went on the Helicopters next with Daddy.  There's nothing sweeter than seeing the Dad's cram themselves into a small ride with their little kids.

Brian announced that he wanted to go on the Helicopters by himself after that, which was such a big deal!  

The next day I successfully distracted everyone from the whole beach idea (whew!) by suggesting we go to the Cape May County Zoo.  I had heard it was a nice zoo...but I never expected it to be THIS nice!  None of us did!  It's absolutely a hidden treasure in New Jersey - and I learned that TripAdvisor named it the number 3 Zoo in the Country on their Top Ten list!!

We spent much of the day there and maybe got to see half of the zoo.  We will definitely go back again - hopefully this summer!  It was the most beautiful zoo (with lots of shade!) that I've ever been to.  The boys enjoyed the animals and their picnic lunch there!

Brian was thrilled that they had a Toucan - one of his favorite animals!

And Gavin was excited to see the Goats - especially when they walked right up to where he was!

Brian was intrigued by the pigs - and wondering why they weren't green like they are on Angry Birds games.

Ed is giving Brian a better view of the Giraffes in the Safari section of the zoo.

After we left the zoo, we went further up the road to the town of Cape May.  I had always wanted to see Cape May - and my Mom was happy to give me a tour.  Cape May is a very sentimental place to her and my Father.  My siblings and I used to gift our parents with a trip to Cape May to stay at "The Angel of the Sea" Bed and Breakfast.  It was nice to see it in person!

We also went to Sunset Beach where my Dad would enjoy a moving flag ceremony at sunset.  We had a late lunch and some ice cream at a beachside grille.

We looked out over the water - and a sunken ship - and I think we were all missing my Dad.

I had thought ahead and decided we should take two cars that day, and I'm glad we did.  After we ate, Ed took the boys back to the house for naps...and my Mom and I went to a little town called Stone Harbor to do some shopping.

When we got home, I noticed that Gavin had sprouted a rash on his arm!  Ed had said that the sheet we used to cover their rug (to shield Gavin from the dog hair) had moved and Gavin was laying there.  We thought it was from the dog hair - but when it happened again when we were out in the heat, I thought it was something else.  My body used to be covered (and I mean covered) in itchy welts like this when I'd go out in the sun.  The combination of the sun and perspiration was the culprit.  (It got me out of a lot of outdoor gym classes in school!  Woot!)  I think Gavin might be following in my footsteps - poor kid.

That evening we met up with my sister, brother in law and their triplets, Shannon, Brendan and Claire, on the boardwalk!  They had come down the day before.  

They watched the boys go on rides...and then I went on a ride with them.  A very regrettable decision that had me feeling wobbly and nauseous the rest of the night.  I went on THIS.  Never, ever again.

We watched Shannon play some virtual soccer...

...and then watched Brendan play virtual football.

Brendan was sweet to let Brian come in and help him play soccer, which was really adorable.

Brian had fun playing arcade games with Ed - or was it the other way around?  Ed LOVES arcades!!

Stay tuned for more tomorrow!  I'll be writing about redemption, tradition and homecoming.  And I'll fill you in on my current state.  I think you've been overloaded with enough today.