That's Just How It's Going to Be...

This past Friday, March 14th, was 11 months from the day Gavin died.

I didn't write about it... or even acknowledge it.  But I didn't forget.

On this blog, my page for Gavin reads like he's still alive.

I haven't updated it.  But I didn't forget about it.

My facebook page shows my current "career" as a "Happy Mom raising two boys at home."

I haven't changed it.  But I didn't forget to.

Part of me is in denial.  Eleven months??  It can't be.  Sometimes it doesn't even feel like eleven days.

Part of me is angry.  I sat down and read Gavin's page on this blog once and it broke my heart.  This little boy was robbed.  He worked so hard.  Made so much progress.  Had so much potential.  And then... gone.  So yes.  I'm angry and I'll express it by letting him stay alive on that page.  Will it confuse some people who are new to my page?  Maybe.  But I'm angry about it so I don't care.  Robbed, I tell you.

Part of me is determined.  Determined to remain the "happy Mom" I always aspired to be.  I went from raising two boys to now raising a boy and a girl.  I'll always be Gavin's Mommy... but I lost the part of my job that was raising him.  I'm not happy with my employer about that.  And when I have my "box throwing in the garage" moments, I let him know.  But He can take it. 

"A lot can happen in a year," I tell people all the time.

And that's true.  Very true.  I lost a son... gained a daughter.

But a lot can happen in TWELVE years.  It was that long ago on this very day that I met Ed.  

We fell hard for each other immediately.  We didn't want our first date to end... and in many ways, it never did. We've been tested more than most couples, that's for sure.  But I'm proud of all the fires we've extinguished... all the hot coals we've had to walk over, hand in hand.  We're still here... still handling all that life throws our way... 

I'm the positive dreamer - I always think everything will work out the way it should and we'll always be fine no matter what.

Ed's the practical planner - reining me in at times and making sure we're ready for a storm with a proper umbrella.

Basically, we balance each other out.  

On April 14th, I will turn 44.  And Gavin will have been dead one year.  And it will be one year since I somehow knew deep inside that I was pregnant - with a girl - named Hope.  I could be in denial about all three of those things.  But honestly, I am really only in denial about one.

So everything is going to stay just how it is for now.  I will still be "A happy Mom raising two boys at home" and Gavin will still be very much alive on his page and that's just how it's going to be for a while.

That's just how it's going to be... 

 (p.s. - edited to add - this post was not a message to anyone!  It was inspired only by my grief.)